Design Star Recap: Lucalicious

Color. Fabric. Sass. Shoddy last-minute craftsmanship. Unnecessary dramatic host.

What could I possibly be talking about?

DESIGN STAR.

This show has everything: the Southern Living types, the unexpected manly men, the totally-expected sassy men, cat fights, bro fights, human fire-hydrants...wait, no…I heard about that last one from Stefon...I got carried away.

I got sucked into this show within one episode last summer, and I'm pretty pumped for it to be back.

What better way to fill the void in your TV schedule this summer than by watching conflicting personalities try to work together to create cohesively designed rooms within a perpetually-too-short length of time? Almost every episode includes a scene or two eerily similar to that 10th grade group project worth half your final grade, complete with power struggles and the stress of getting graded based on your slacker partner's work. But it's much more entertaining when it's not happening to you.

JUDGE/MENTOR OVERVIEW:

 

Genevieve Gorder: (green dress pictured above) formerly of Trading Spaces fame, Genevieve Gorder has come out of the woodwork with a renewed vigor and a forehead/eyebrow situation that looks like it's being stretched over a skeleton and held in place with a chip clip behind her head. Poor Genevieve. Now she always looks surprised.

Vern Yip: Also of Trading Spaces fame, Vern Yip is almost always laughing casually and stands at a whopping 4 feet, 10 inches. Look out for this shark. His no-nonsense criticism will cut you to the core. Hahaha. Just kidding. He's adorable.

Mystery Celebrity Judge: This third position is filled each week with some sort of moderately famous celebrity, not necessarily a designer. Most notable appearance from last year: Paula Deen. "That hangin' thang looks good, y'all!"

Mentor: David Bromstad. I just love this guy. I feel like I should hate him because of his chipper demeanor and obsession with bright colors, but I don't. He somehow casts a spell over you with his SGF charm and you're left wondering whether you really should reupholster that ottoman in fuchsia this weekend. He helps them with their camera challenges and calls them out when they are about as likable as a paper cut between your fingers.

Which brings us to...the season PREMIERE, where we meet all the design hopefuls, which we can only hope includes someone as terrible and crazy-eyed as last year's Omarosa--I mean Cathy.

Ahem. Moving on.

TIME FOR THE SHOW!

Overconfidence abounds in the opening montage in which people say things like "it's game time" and a guy who looks like the douchebag from any teen movie ever makes the bold statement "I'm the best designer you guys have ever seen" and someone wears lime green sunglasses.

And here are some future guest judges! Kim Kardashian's mom! Julie Chen! Daisy Fuentes! and…wait for it..VANILLA ICE. Oh yeah. This year's gonna be good.

Drama! Cussing! A middle-aged lady cries! Title Sequence!

Let's meet the designers, shall we?

Luca He hails from the STEEL city and is the "only dude in his house," on account of his wife and four female pets. He also has an earring and his hair is greased up like it's 1997.

Design Style: "Lucalicious." This guy is promising. Stellar intro quote: "I'm looking forward to being competitive."

Rachel Kate A pleasant-looking Minnesotan girl who has to leave her daughter to be on the show, which is (anyone? anyone?) the "hardest thing she's ever done in her entire life."

Design Style: Outdoorsy (shocking)

Bex Hale REAL NAME. Basically Bex is a hipster with hair like the girl from Karmin who probably thinks the 1920's are better than 2012. She not only owns an interior design business, but a "successful interior design business."

Design Style: creativity or something.

Jordan the Aussie This guy is already awesome. If nothing else, I totally trust his design sense based solely on his accent and moderately good looks. He apparently designs furniture and has a line of candles.

Design Style: "Masculine Glamor"…also he uses the phrase "razzle dazzle."

Miera The token Older Lady at 63, this Floridian Meryl-Streep-type wants to represent baby boomers. She likes the ocean.

Design Style: "Coastal Casual"

Mikel I already like this guy based on his red pants and matching pocket square. He may or may not be related to Fonzworth Bentley. He hails from NYC.

Design Style: "Vintage Chic". Stellar intro quote: "These hands are manicured but I get dirty."

PAUSE to insert a condescending quote from Luca answering a simple question about whether he does industrial or interior design: "I can do his job, your job, your job…" as he points around the circle at his competition. I get the feeling Luca was the kid at camp giving everyone swirlies on the first day but secretly cried himself to sleep in the cabin because he had no friends.

BACK TO THE DESIGNERS.

Danielle Wants everyone to know that she is not only an interior designer but OWNS HER OWN FIRM. She also has "the single mother" who passed away and wants to win this for her.

Design Style: unknown

Kris The lime sunglasses belonged to him, and he's everything you think Kris With A K on Design Star would be. Plus he kind of looks like a nerd-chic version of Ben Folds. If that's possible.

Design Style: "Client-Driven Modern Eclectic."

Stellar intro quote: "I believe I'm truly unique, extremely talented…"

Yuki Northington Has there ever been a more contradictory name? Yuki has politician hair and four children and a store. She kind of looks like a news anchor. I'm just saying.

Design Style: unknown

Britany Designer AND photographer, guys. And her photos look at LEAST as good as the ones I take on my iPhone. At least.

Design Style: Modern/Glam/Chic. She also declares that she is a bold girl because she is wearing pink.

Hilari Nope, not a typo. It's really with an "i." And IMMEDIATELY Hilari soars to first place on my list of favorites. Why? She is Angie from 30 Rock, guys. (A.K.A. Sherri Shepherd) Any moment now I'm waiting for her to say "HAYUM!" or add "IBS survivor" to the end of her bio.

So here we go, guys: Hilari is a SELF-TAUGHT designer whose life philosophy is the same as her design philosophy: "DO it and DO IT BIG." Man. I wish text could adequately capture her accent. Just…just imagine Angie Jordan.

Design Style: "Glitzy SLASH Transitional" (whatever that means)

Stanley I totally expect this guy to say he's "34 years young," but he doesn't. He will probably be best friends with Luca in about 2.5 seconds. He's the East Coast version of Luca. Metal spiked necklace, tattoos, long hair, overconfidence, this guy has it all. He's a metal sculptor, which totally qualifies him for an interior design competition.

Stellar Intro Quote: "I can build anything you can think of."

It's David Bromstad time! And you know what that means? They got rid of the unnecessary host from last year (the only thing she did was state the obvious, and we have three other people to do that) AND we get more Bromstad! Rejoicing in all the land.

We waste NO time and are already being paired up to makeover a house room by room in three days. They get matched up randomly based on the items they sent in which they thought exemplified their individual styles.

Pairs:

Luca and Danielle: Stuff is about to go down.

Bex and Kris: Hipster clash of the Titans. Who will win? Only time will tell. Bex wears what I can only assume is a viking coin on her finger while she points to paint colors and Kris tells us his item (a glass table covered in tape) is "pure brilliance." You're no fun, Kris. Why can't you be more like Bromstad?

Mikel and Britany - This could totally work. Their room might actually not be a disaster. They at least respect the rules of common courtesy from the get-go.

Hilari and Rachel - Rachel's item is a white ceramic moose head (typical) and... guys. Guys. Hilari brings….one lonely leopard print throw pillow. A LEOPARD PRINT THROW PILLOW. That's adorable. You can get those at Wal-Mart, Hilari. Maybe you should ease up on telling people from the beginning you're "self-taught." They'll find out on their own. I'm so excited Hilari is on this show. Almost as much as I hate erasing the "Y" on the end of her name every time I type it and changing it to an "i."

Stanley and Yuki - Stanley talks just like Edwin McCain, doesn't he? Edwin McCain with a metal spike choker. Anyway Yuki explains that they are both artists so this should totally work. (Foreshadowing)

Miera and Jordan - Less Impressive Meryl Streep wants basket-weave fabric but Jordan the Aussie isn't having any of it because it's too old and apparently not razzle-dazzley enough.

and it's SHOPPING TIME!

Luca tries out some couches while wearing two earrings and cowboy boots at the same time. He picks out white tufted ones. If you listen closely, you can hear his friends back home kicking him out of their band.

Bex uses the word "quirky" about 700 times and tries to convince Kris to get a giant glowing matchstick to put in the room and he actually GIVES IN. Kris, I'm beginning to think you're the worst, but Bex dares to use the word "quirky" even after New Girl's marketing team ran it into the ground, so she's giving you a run for your money.

LUMBER LIQUIDATORS PLUG explodes all over our TV screen for about five minutes while Yuki picks out two-tone flooring.

Cut to Hilari who literally says: "I would lack to have a sow-fuh, becawse it IS a dee-yun [den]. We're not gonna have seances in he-yur…I guaranTEE you people will say, 'I could chee-yull in there.'" Love it. She picks out a geometric gray couch which is actually pretty.

Side note: Yuki's hair is growing exponentially in relation to the stress Stanley is causing her.

….and BROMSTAD is back! And he's wearing a tie! And his shirt is making the cameras freak out! It's like when you try to film a computer monitor. Is it electronic? Is it glittery? We will never know.

It's Day 2 and Bex looks like she just stepped out of a Rosie the Riveter ad only with more orange stripes and onesie-ness. Hilari is wearing a blazer to look sophisticated but ruins it when she screams upon Bromstad's entrance.

Britany totally steps in and takes credit for suggesting they deepen the room's paint color when Mikel tries to say he picked it out. Rude.

DRAMA alert: Jordan and Less Impressive Meryl Streep run into a snafu when their silver crocodile skin fabric they picked out for headboards comes in hides instead of one long roll! Less Impressive Meryl Streep further ages herself by saying she hasn't sat behind a sewing machine in 30-40 years so she definitely doesn't want to sew these things together. Never fear, Aussie Jordan to the rescue! He suggests cutting them into squares and everything is AY OH KAY.

Mikel peruses fabrics to cover an ottoman because Bromstad says he doesn't see any of Mikel's ideas in the room. He finally finds a shower curtain that qualifies as a "piece of Mikel," so it will definitely work.

Scene change and Stanley makes the declaration that they're FINALLY at the steel shop. Thank God somebody finally said something. I was beginning to think there would be no welding at ALL in this episode!

Meanwhile Stanley's partner Yuki, who has already decided to paint their room both purple AND lime green, picks out a Nickelodeon-orange couch for their room. This is definitely going to turn out great.

CLIP DURING COMMERCIAL: Hilari, Kris and Yuki are trying to maneuver the Nickelodeon couch out a door and down a set of metal stairs. Yuki is understandably exasperated at this ragtag group of yahoos she has helping her because Hilari is pretty much useless and Kris, as she explains, is "kind of small." Remember when Ross, Rachel and Chandler try to move a couch up the stairs and Ross keeps yelling "PIVOT!" over and over? It's like that but less funny. But at least Kris's trainer will be proud of him, which is what he announces at the worst time possible.

Back from commercial and Hilari tries to explain to us why a tiny TV that more closely resembles a netbook monitor, placed in the middle of a large frame she constructed on the wall with molding, is actually better than no TV at all:

"I'm addicted to reality TEE-vee!"

Great job, Hilari. Really, top notch assessment skills. It looks terrible. Sometimes less is more, y'know?

Back to Kris and Bex whose room is looking shoddier by the minute. Kris thinks that putting tape on the carpet leading from the previously mentioned inspiration table to the obnoxious 3-foot-tall matchstick will make it look better, not worse. Bex puts holes in the side of a black day bed frame to backlight them and make it look like constellations, because they're all stars and she's "punny like that," but they turned out way too large and now they look like mistakes. Also the walls are painted "Passionate Plum."

Danielle/Luca's and Britany/Mikel's rooms are actually looking like pleasant, usable rooms, but unfortunately that means they don't get much face time.

Less Impressive Meryl Streep again references the olden days (1971), which she says was the last time she painted a graphic on a wall.

Bromstad appears and warns the designers that there is only ONE hour left, and Stanley's art project looks like a giant wiped his foot on the wall after attending a rave in the 80's. Seriously.

"The collage looks like something I made on a Sunday with my adopted nieces in my studio." - Stanley

Sooo…you're saying that's…bad, right? And why are you dragging your adopted nieces into this? Why do you have to mention the fact that they're adopted at all? Come on, Stan. Use your words better.

Bex uses a metaphor for thinking - "gears are turning" - which inspires her to create an art project in which she puts colorful gears on the wall...which was totally unscripted and happened exactly like that.

PREDICTIONS:

Worst: Yuki and Stanley's room. Seriously it's about 8 different shades of neon and even Stanley's adopted nieces wouldn't call that "art."

Best: Britany and Mikel's room. It has a white latticework pattern on a teal wall and I just like that.

Room that looks most like an unfortunate accident: Bex and Kris's room.

Back from commercial and [drumroll please] Daisy Fuentes is this week's guest judge because she has a line of clothing at Kohl's and I think hosts something!

Genevieve is wearing a schoolboy's sweater the color of Yuki's couch with an oxford shirt buttoned up to the top, and Vern is short as always.

Bromstad takes them through the rooms. (I'm really liking this whole lack of host thing…TANIKA, that was her name. She was the worst.)

Basically Vern wants to unsee everything in Yuki and Stanley's room and in an unexpected twist, and Genevieve actually LIKES Kris's "art project" with the tape and the matchstick. As expected, Hilari gets reamed for the whole tiny-tv thing, and the other rooms look pretty good.

The suspenseful music begins and we are officially in elimination territory.

Vern explains how it works (like every other reality show ever, guys) and Genevieve's eyebrows are frozen in a combination of anger and surprise.

Luca gets in trouble for not actually designing anything and begins his defense with, "A lot of the sole contributing I believe I did…"

It takes him about 5 minutes to say that he picked out the couches and then they like him again.

They tell Yuki and Stanley that their room sucks and again tell Hilari that her mini-TV was a total party foul.

Um, Bex has some sort of maroon silk beret perched on the side of her head that totally clashes with her orange hair. But it's quirky, you guys. So lay off her.

COMMERCIAL (and Glade tells us that buying their oil diffusers will get us more kisses and hugs)

We're back and by now I've concluded that Hilari is basically the melba toast of design. If melba toast were wearing a velour track suit.

Whilst the judges deliberate, we see all the contestants just lounging backstage and Luca declares that he feels like he's in detention, which is actually kind of accurate because this scene has somewhat of a breakfast-club vibe to it. Stanley throws us a curve ball and says that he's never really been in trouble before, which is ironic considering his metal necklace and tattoos, right? Which means we should totally not judge books by their cover. This show has layers.

JUDGMENT TIME:

Less Impressive Meryl Streep, Jordan, Mikel and Britany are all safe.

Rachel wins the great job award!

Danielle - safe.

Hilari (Angie) - safe. (YAY. I want her to go all the way.)

Luca - safe.

Kris - safe.

Bex - safe.

Stanley - safe because of his metal sculpture!

Which means unfortunately Yuki is the one going home. Closing statement: "I'm happy to go home to my great life." I wish she would have done a mic drop.

NEXT TIME…

It's the White Room Challenge! Things fall on Less Impressive Meryl Streep! Bromstad gives Aussie a pep talk! Angie thinks she should just go home! [NO!]

And…wait for it…VANILLA ICE is the guest judge! I can't wait to find out what he doesn't know about design.

Who's your favorite so far?

Top 5 Disney Channel Original Movies

First I'd just like to lay my cards on the table and say that I know it's possible this post could fall on deaf ears. We don't usually talk about stuff like this on TVA. I know it's not cool. And I know it's entirely possible that I may be the only one who relates. But I'm willing to take that risk in the hopes that I'm not.

Worst case scenario, everyone thinks I'm lame and I'll have to backpedal and say it was all a joke and I actually watch Downton Abbey exclusively. Best case scenario, I provide a safe haven for others like me and prove that we're not alone. This is an asylum anyway, is it not?

So here it is: I regularly watch shows intended for 12-year-olds. Disney Channel and Nickelodeon see more action than I'd care to admit in my house. Though lately, my aversion to change combined with the fact that they keep canceling my favorites (ahem, iCarly) and starting over with child actors who look like they crawled out of preschool and straight into the spotlight has seriously cut down on my roster.

ANYWAY. Due to this fact, I've also seen my fair share of Disney Channel Original Movies in my day.

In the name of strolling down memory lane (and getting things off my chest) I thought I'd present you with some of the best:

+ Motocrossed (2001)

Even though the main character in this movie (the girl) was the worst ever and had a chin dimple that would put Ben Affleck to shame, the middle school me thought the two leading men more than made up for her awkwardness. In case you were cooler than me and have never seen this, it tells the story of a family of motocross racers in which the oldest son gets injured and can no longer compete.

His twin sister decides to masquerade as a boy and compete in his place. Awkward moments ensue as she develops a crush on her competition, who is apparently terrible at gender recognition and is totally convinced she is actually her brother. Hoodwinks, pretty boys, heartwarming family moments...what more could you ask for?

+ High School Musical (preferably Vol. 3, but that came out in theaters) (2006-2008)

This movie ushered in a new era in which it could be considered moderately cool to sing. Nearly every TV show and movie Disney Channel has produced since then has included the main characters singing in some form or fashion. It also brought us Zac Efron (the best) and Vanessa Hudgens (the worst). How could one couple possibly have such disparate levels of awesomeness? Anyway. Basically I just love musicals and Zac Efron so this is easily in my top 5.

+ Smart House (1999)

Essentially this movie is a commentary on modern society in which our bent on technology will eventually be our undoing. Very Fahrenheit 451. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into it and it's about a house that does everything for this family and then goes on a power trip and tries to take over their lives. That's basically the same, though.

OH MY GOSH, you guys. In Wikipedia-ing this movie to find the release year, I found this GEM of information: this movie was directed by none other than the legendary LEVAR BURTON. I will let that statement stand in its awesome glory and not tarnish it by adding anything to it. I also found out that this movie is supposedly based on a short story by Ray Bradbury. So I was totally close on my analysis.

+ Even Stevens Movie (2003)

I'm just going to go ahead and say I have a deep love for Even Stevens. I'm not even remotely ashamed of that. It was and continues to be great. The plot of the movie was that the family went on what they thought was a vacation to a deserted island but actually was a reality show (a la Survivor) and all their friends back home were watching.

The producer of the show (played by Tim Meadows, guys) basically goes all Hunger Games (or Truman Show?) on them and manipulates all the external factors to test their patience and make good TV. Also Dave Coulier makes an appearance. It's funny, touching and everything Even Stevens should be.

+ Wish Upon A Star (1996)

First and foremost, it has to be mentioned that Katherine Heigl starred in this movie. Katherine Heigl. Basically it's a story of the-grass-is-always-greener in which two sisters secretly wish to be each other simultaneously, and it works. Then they have to live life as each other until they learn to love themselves or something like that.

It's very Freaky Friday. But it has Katherine Heigl in it. And the sister is totally the rebellious girl with the knife-pen (Harley's sister) that Corey tries to date in Boy Meets World. It's 90's fabulous in every way, right down to Katherine's tiny patent leather backpack.

What's your favorite DCOM? (Or...how 'bout that MacGonagall in Downton Abbey? She's pretty mean, right?)

Snap Judgment: Fox's The Choice

Oh, Fox. Poor, sweet Fox.

I know Idol has started to gain speed as it tumbles downhill, tangled in Steven Tyler's feather hair extensions, but we thought the fact that New Girl is fantastic would be enough for you. But no. You had to push it one too far. You're starting to seem a bit desperate. You know what I'm talking about, don't you? Let's just talk about it and get it all out.

Introducing: "The Choice."

Oh yes. They went there.

Don't worry, it's nothing like The Voice except it's exactly the same in almost every way. Four celebrity judges. Spinning chairs. Lots of choosing and rejecting going on. But with romance.

Is this or is this not the worst idea of all time?

Here are some reasons why it most definitely is:

1. It's an in-studio dating show, and the year is 2012. What focus groups did they use to determine the demand for this thing? People perpetually suspended in MTV in 1996?

2. They had the gall to try to play off its entire premise as a coincidence:

Of course, The Choice has more in common with The Voice than just chairs — like that title, for instance? “The Choice seems like an obvious title because you have to make a choice,” Darnell says, then playfully adds: “I’m just now realizing it rhymes!"

Really, Liar McPantsonfire? Really? You are JUST now realizing it rhymes with "The Voice?" If you're going to create a D-List knock off of a popular show on another network, at least go big or go home. Own up to it. Don't act like Vanilla Ice explaining the difference between "Ice Ice Baby" and "Under Pressure."

No one thinks you're clever here. Especially since your justification for the name was essentially: "uh, you have to make a choice…so we called it the choice." UGH. I want to punch you in the face.

3. The button on the spinning chairs has been replaced with a lever and dubbed a "love handle." A LOVE HANDLE. The creative team deserves to be fired immediately.

This is the laziest nonsense I've ever seen. Can we just go ahead and veto this show before it even happens?

Fox: embrace the concept of "quit while you're ahead" and just fill the time with New Girl reruns instead. Like anyone would even be mad.

Would you watch this show?

NBC, Why Are You Like This?

[Exasperated sigh]

NBC.

[Dramatic temple-rub with eyes closed]

I don't even know where to start.

First, you put Community on hiatus, which was a terrible decision in itself. Then, we rally together in an inspirational protest to defend its honor and you decide to bring it back. THEN you only sign it AND 30 Rock AND Parks and Rec for a measly 13-episodes and end them altogether?

EDIT: Between the writing and publishing of this post, it has come to my attention that "no decision has been made" about canceling these shows...but let's be honest, it doesn't look good.

What is wrong with you? Are you on drugs? Seriously. Are you? Drugs affect your ability to make sound decisions, and you are not making sound decisions ergo, DRUGS.

You literally slashed my weekly shows down by approximately 50 percent. No more Liz Lemon. No more Ron Swanson. No more Troy and Abed. What are you doing to us? What am I supposed to watch now? What else is even on NBC besides The Voice?

And if any Thursday night show needs to get a shortened final season, it's The Office. Hands down. That show is a mere shell of what it once was. And yet that unstable mess gets its full 22-episodes.

You are alienating your only loyal fan base, here. The only ones who didn't think you were the worst network on television. And now, guess what? You are. You really, really are.

I cannot believe your replacement shows feature Matthew Perry and Anne Heche. I just…I don't even know how to respond to that. I mean, I love Chandler and everything, but man. That is just bleak.

UGH. I feel like I'm disciplining a dog, here. NO. BAD NBC. BAD. GO SIT IN THE CORNER AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

Who is in charge of these decisions? The same guy that kicked Conan out? It's that guy, isn't it? I hate that guy. He sucks the joy out of everything. The odds are about 100 percent that he wears a monocle and has a maniacal laugh.

I'm just disappointed in you, NBC, that's all. I just didn't know ratings were all that mattered to you. I didn't know you cared more about the opinion of the majority (who, by the way, sees Two and a Half Men as quality television) than making great comedy and respecting fan loyalty. That's right. I'm guilt-tripping you. Because you deserve it. So whatever, I thought you were above that, but you're not. It's fine. See if we care. See if we ever come back.

Except, y'know, when SNL is on. Because it's an institution. And Will Ferrell hosted this weekend. But other than that: never coming back.

EDIT NUMBER TWO: I have also just been informed that NBC has officially cancelled The Sing-Off, which takes my hatred towards them to a whole new level. A level which makes me want to barge into their offices and start turning over desks. Don't mess with my acapella competitions.

What show would you fight the most violently to keep?

The Evolution of Awesome Nature Shows

Remember when you walked into 8th grade Biology and saw the TV on the cart and thought, "SCORE, this means I get 50 minutes of nap goodness!"?

Remember when those videos were just clips of cuttlefish "cuddling" while an old guy with suede elbow patches sitting in front of shelves filled with leather-bound books blabbed on about their scientific name and when they were discovered?

Rejoice, 90's children. THOSE DAYS ARE GONE.

Because for the first time ever, nature shows are awesome. Planet Earth, Life, Frozen Planet...basically anything made by the BBC. And don't try to tell me that anything else remotely competes. Disney Nature? Come on. (And generally speaking, I love all things Disney.) Even the Planet Earth version with Sigourney Weaver narrating does not measure up. David Attenborough wipes the floor with that redheaded giant.

Here are some reasons why I believe nature shows are better than ever before:

1) They ditched the interviews.

What? But your "expert" won three Nobel prizes? That's adorable. Now we have ALEC BALDWIN. Jack Donaghy taught me about narwhals the other day. No amount of 80's haircuts or bowties (ironic or otherwise) can beat that. Celebrity voiceovers for the win. (This could get dicey if we ever let the wrong people be in charge of picking the voiceover talent. But I trust the BBC. British people are smart. They won't let me down...right?)

2) High definition.

I think this was the boost nature shows needed for them to soar into awesomeness. Brilliant colors. Details. Nature's not so amazing when it's pixelated. Or when it has one of those static lines running across it every five minutes. (Remember "tracking?")

3) Time-lapse magic.

Proof that slow and steady wins the race. I think they filmed Planet Earth over the course of about 5 years. Guys sat in little camouflage lean-to's for days at a time to catch a glimpse of a bird decorating his home for the ladies. They left cameras in the same exact place for months so that we could watch a creepy fungus grow straight through an ant's head in a matter of seconds. That kind of dedication pays off.

4) Fun animal names.

Nature videos used to only cover animals you'd at least heard of. Whales. A starfish or two. Cheetahs. But now, due to the vast array of "never before captured on film" moments BBC has managed to get (see aforementioned dedication and lean-tos), we have the opportunity to discover lots of new animals with fun names. Wooly Bear Caterpillars and Snot-Nosed Monkeys are my favorite so far. (I think that is actually supposed to be "Snub-Nosed," but Attenborough has an accent and I choose to believe he's saying "snot.")

5) They have harnessed our short attention-spans.

I think they accomplish this by moving around the globe every 10 minutes or so and not focusing too long on one animal at a time. That was probably the mistake the old videos made (among many). No one wants to watch giraffes eat leaves for 30 minutes. We want to watch a Wooly Bear Caterpillar speed-wrap a cocoon in 15 seconds. We want to watch an African elephant save her baby from the mud and then hop on over to South Asia to see a monkey crack a nut with a rock. BBC gets this about us. Apparently the UK understands us better than we understand ourselves.

What's your favorite animal you've seen on a nature show? (Don't act like you never watch them.)

Is James Marsden 30 Rock Material?

James. James Marsden. Pull up a chair.

Enough time has passed where I feel like I can give you a fair assessment of your presence on 30 Rock. And I must say, I'm not entirely convinced.

I liked you in Hairspray. You make a pretty good Cyclops. And what girl didn't love 27 Dresses?

But are you quirky enough to live in the world of 30 Rock? I'm just not so sure. Look at the other people Liz Lemon has dated: Carol, a delusional people-hating pilot, Wesley, an obnoxious British guy she couldn't stand, Jon Hamm (whose character name I can't remember), the dumb yet handsome guy who lived in a metaphorical bubble, Dennis Duffey, the worst ever...and you just waltz in with your nice-guy slacker routine and your second-rate ((The standard is obviously Jack. After all, he has the piercing blue eyes of a Siberian Husky. Or a winter crystal.)) blue eyes and expect us to get on board?

I mean, you're nice enough, but where's your tragic flaw? Where are your hook hands? Where's your balloon boy reenactment?

I know, I know. None of those crazies worked out for ol' Liz Lemon. But come on, give us SOMETHING.

Plus I think you're a little too good-looking to be believable as Liz's boyfriend. Let's just be real. I mean, Tina Fey is pretty in real life. I'm not denying that. But they make so much over Liz looking sloppy and nerdy that they can't just throw in the same guy who played the prince in Enchanted as a feasible long-term option for her. (Jon Hamm of course was handsome, but in an ironic way. And he more than made up for it with his nonsense.) Also you also look significantly too young for Liz. You just do. IMDB says you're only 3 years younger, but somehow you've managed to stay perpetually 28. (Congrats on that, by the way.)

Your relationship makes very little sense and I'm still having trouble suspending my disbelief.

This is Liz Lemon we're talking about. We won't sit idly by as she dates a normal. I think this is that part of the show where the thing the main character has been longing for has to resolve and it's all wah-wah sad trombone (see: life after Jim and Pam get married), but I hate that part of the show. And I think 30 Rock is better than that. There's got to be a better way.

At least Liz is back to her pessimistic, sweatshirt-wearing self now. For the first few episodes, I was worried your presence had transformed Liz Lemon entirely into a boring happy person. Now that she's grumpy at work again I'll let you slide there.

James, I know you're new to 30 Rock. It's hard to measure up to that amount of quirk. But it CAN be done. Avery is one of my favorite characters on the entire series, and she was an add-in. Measure up to Liz's crazy like Avery measures up to Jack's. That's all I'm asking. I can't wait for Avery to come back and say more awesome things like "Ugh, is there gay juice in the champagne?"

Speaking of, where are your memorable quotes, James Marsden? ((I realize this is entirely up to the writers, but this letter is written under the inaccurate assumption that you are 100% responsible for this character.)) I can't quote a single one of your lines since you've been on the show. And that's saying something, because I quote 30 Rock almost daily.

I like you fine. I mean, I would never be tempted to punch you in the face or make you listen to Kenneth read a script out loud. But I also probably wouldn't notice if you just didn't show up the next 10 episodes (Danny, anyone?).

I don't like being wishy-washy about characters. Give me a reason to love you or a reason to hate you. That's all I'm saying. Or else we're revisiting Astronaut Mike Dexter.

Pumping the Brakes on Happy Endings

Recently it has come to my attention that not only do people not view Happy Endings as the worst show ever, they actually seem to ENJOY it. The cold opens I'd seen after Modern Family had repeatedly made me want to die a little inside, so I got all clinical about it to see if I could determine what all the fuss was about. Below are my findings:

Pre-Research Generalizations:

Casey Wilson is the worst. She has crazy eyes and no one likes her.

I'm very AWARE they're acting in the cold opens. And everyone is way too over the top.

Post-Research Generalizations:

Okay, I'll admit it. I laughed out loud a couple of times. It has more potential than I thought. I think the individual characters have their funny moments--even in pairs-- but I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of obnoxious chaos when watching the group all together. Like I somehow got invited to a dinner where I don't know anyone and everyone is talking loudly about stuff I don't get and the waitress is standing by our table like, "Um, who ordered the fish tacos?" and no one is listening.

Group Dynamic:

The group dynamic, to me, comes off like this: WEIRD NOSES, SCREAMING, OBSCURE REFERENCE, CHAOS ENSUING, CLUMSY FUMBLING, MORE WEIRD NOISES...I just want to do one of those moments like in teen movies when they're in a cafeteria and no one will stop talking and the smallest, most unexpected character stands on a chair and yells, "QUIEEEEET!" and everyone is like, whoa, and then the main character is like, thanks, and the small person is like, *beams*.

I just can't handle it. I can’t handle it in real life and I can’t handle it on T.V.

Just CALM yourselves. Take it down a notch. Not everyone can be Chandler. Some of you have to be Ross.

Character Analysis:

I feel like the guys on this show--who in my opinion are a lot funnier than the girls--are basically slightly different versions of the guys on New Girl. Dave, a.k.a. Nick, has the potential to be quite funny when he's not trying so hard. I actually like him. And Brad seems a little less spazzy than the others. A little more reasonable. He's Winston (can't help the obvious coincidence). Fairly likeable. I also noticed traces of Schmidt's voice in Max during the scavenger hunt episode.

But I don't get Max at all. I get that he's The Weird One, but there’s no quirky twist to him. He's not weird yet endearing, or weird yet hilarious. He's just plain weird. Like the kid in your middle school that stood in the corner and mumbled to himself about aliens. He doesn’t seem to add anything to the cast.

I still think Casey Wilson is the worst and opens her mouth far wider than necessary when she speaks, but at least they make fun of her character in the show. They're not trying to pass her off as super likable, so she's a little easier to take knowing that.

Alex is just a caricature of a dumb blonde. It's not even believable. Guys, she actually said "I HAVE A BRAIN IDEA." This is not the bachelor. We don't need that kind of nonsense in scripted television. We have enough of that in reality T.V.

[Also something I get enough of in real life and don't need in my TV lineup: verbal abbreviations. There is no need for "wherevs" (PENNY) or "solush" (DAVE). That's no longer cute.]

No real feelings about Jane other than the fact that I feel like she’d be mean to me if I ever met her.

So, in conclusion, a few of the characters have potential, and I can see how you could like them, but the group dynamic is so overwhelming that I still can’t officially get behind it.

Where do you stand on Happy Endings?

Marshall Eriksen: Bigfoot Hunter?

One fateful day in the winter of 2012, my husband and I discovered Finding Bigfoot (or "Bigfoot Hunters," as I will inevitably always call it, likely due to the omnipresence of House Hunters in my life.)

Immediately we were intrigued. So many questions:

-Where did they find these people?

-Since when is there such thing as the Bigfoot Field Research Organization (or BFRO, as those in the biz call it)?

-Making a guy named Bobo run through the woods from 50 yards away, and screeching in the forest at 1am counts as research?

-Will they ever convince Ranae--the token skeptic--that Bigfoot exists, or, perhaps more importantly, to get a better haircut?

Though I do think this ragtag group of underdogs makes for a pretty good team, I would suggest one additional member: Marshall Eriksen.

Why? Six reasons, easy:

+ He has the faith of a child when it comes to belief in mystical creatures (see: Nessie). I expect he would be totally on board for bigfoot research.

+ He's probably almost as tall and broad as the average bigfoot (we viewers wouldn't actually know) so he'd be great for the reenactments. At some point Bobo is going to get tired of traipsing through the woods and calling out "did it look taller than me?" He'd probably welcome having an alternate to tap in.

+ Marshall could slap-bet Ranae every couple episodes that they'll finally see a bigfoot. Sure, he'd get slapped a lot, due to the fact that these people are terrible at the one thing they've devoted their entire lives to, but who wouldn't tune in to see that?

+ Marshall also cares deeply about the environment and is from rural Minnesota, so I'm fairly certain spending the night in the woods every other day would be a delight for him. He needs a break from that city life anyway. Remember when he lamented that he is too big for New York while at Stella's house in New Jersey? The crowds, the small spaces...not a problem in the squatch country.

+ He comes from a family of quaint people who put mayonnaise in "salad," and I think it would be safe to say the witnesses in Finding Bigfoot run in similar circles. He'd connect with them instantly, making him a perfect interviewer.

+ It would be handy to have a big guy like Marshall around just in case they ever really do find a bigfoot. I don't think they have a plan in place for when (if) they actually succeed. All the computer-generated images of bigfoots (bigfeet?) in the title sequence and reenactments are pretty ferocious-looking. Do they think the bigfoot is just going to intuitively understand that this particular group of humans are simply fascinated by the not-so-gentle giant, not trying to hurt him, causing him to simply tip his metaphorical hat and be on his way? Come on, Bobes. Get real.

(Side note: Is Bobo the same person as Judah Friedlander? The voice, the flowing, mangy locks...AND novelty trucker hats. Something to think about.)

At least Marshall would stand a chance against a Bigfoot. Bobes would probably trip and fall in his attempt to run away (he doesn't look very light on his feet). Moneymaker and Cliff would probably try to reason with the thing and fail. And Ranae, in a state of shock (due to her skepticism which they only allude to 287 times per episode) would probably just pass out, or abandon any attempt at maintaining her cool demeanor and start instinctively regurgitating everything she's learned in a rampage of tree knocks and squatch calls. Then pass out.

Marshall could at least put up a good fight and give everyone else a chance to get away. And y'know, I don't think he would mind taking one for the team. He's loyal like that.

What other characters would you like to see on Finding Bigfoot?

11 Reasons Why Rachel Should Have Picked Joey

I know, I know. Blasphemy. But think about it. What do Ross and Rachel really have in common, anyway? And they didn't really date for that long over the span of the series. They just kept randomly hooking up and having babies and getting married. Other than those trivial things, no connection.

I propose that Joey would have made a lot more sense as Rachel's lobster (anyone?).

Why? I'll tell you.

[Note: If you haven't watched the entire series, there are spoilers in this post. But I use the term "spoilers" loosely because it's been almost 10 years since the series ended. So I don't really feel bad. Well, I do a little, because if this disclaimer applies to you, your life is incomplete.]

1. Neither take life too seriously (ahem, Ross).

Exhibit A: both laugh at "homo erectus" during Ross's keynote speech in Barbados.

Exhibit B: Rachel teaches Ross's son, Ben, how to prank him. Ross is not amused.

Exhibit C: Joey's entire lifestyle.

2. Ross turns into a soggy marshmallow whenever he's dating Rachel. Is it just me or does Rachel totally wear the pants in this relationship? Watching them interact when they are officially "together" is like watching a chihuahua pout and whine in order to get food from the table while you're trying to eat dinner. At first you sympathize with it because you feel bad, but then it just gets annoying and you kind of want to kick it in the face. Grow a spine, dude.

3. Joey has enough nerve to confess his love for Rachel, even when he didn't know how she would react, which Ross only contemplates about 3849 times throughout the series but pretty much never actually does. Let's do a side-by-side comparison, shall we? Joey's version: "I'm falling in love with you." Ross's version: "Uh, I just uh, wanted to see if you, y'know, wanted to maybe...start things up again?" [insert slow clap here]

4. Joey could beat Ross up.

5. Rachel could beat Ross up.

6. Joey makes more money because he's on a soap opera, and Ross just teaches unenthusiastic college students about dinosaurs (hey, a girl's gotta eat). Rachel also likes soap operas better than dinosaurs. Proven fact.

7. They were clearly better roommates than Ross & Rachel were. Ross hid messages from Rachel and was constantly jealous of any guy she dated. Joey would never do that. He's too loyal. And not very good at being stealth.

8. Ross says Rachel's name at his wedding to Emily, then leaves Rachel to go on his honeymoon alone. Really? That's just on him.

9. When Joey is secretly in love with Rachel, he holds it in out of respect for Ross. When the truth finally comes out and Rachel starts dating Joey, Ross's epic freakout reaches a point in which he pulls tater tots out of the oven without using oven mitts--even though he hadn't actually dated Rachel in six years. He's also dating Charlie at the time, who he kind of stole from Joey in the first place. Joey handles this whole situation like a pro. Point Joey.

10. Ross can't flirt.

11. If she married Joey, she wouldn't have to be Ben's other step-mom (see: Susan), nor would she have to be Ross' fourth marriage.

She would also be exempt from having to explain to the state of New York (and her child) how she had previously been married to Ross thanks to a drunken night in Vegas (though Ross tried to stay married and keep it a secret from Rachel -- again, sad), but then they had a baby together, which again we can attribute to "one drunken night," then later thought, "JAY KAY YOU GUYS!" and decided to get married again. "Guess what, Emma? Our whole family unit is basically a product of decisions made under the influence of alcohol!"

Let's be honest. At least 60 percent of my argument hinges on the fact that Ross, though hilarious, is super lame. I've never understood why Rachel held out for him. This would never work in real life.

What do you think: Joey or Ross?

Possible Career Paths for Manny from Modern Family

Manny Delgado is a man like none other. He dons a burgundy dinner jacket. He writes poetry. He drinks espresso. He's 4 feet, 11 inches of pure class.

But you can't make any money for being the embodiment of suave. As Manny gets older, he's going to want to start thinking about a career path.

Luckily, I'm here to help him out with that. Given his current interests and personality, and considering the fact that most typical work environments would probably get him beat up, here are a few of my suggestions:

-Professor of Love (Or Paleontology) First of all, Manny is a connoisseur of the ladies. They may not always appreciate his charm, but we all know he's got it. That's enough qualification right there. That, combined with the image I can't shake of Future Manny wearing a jacket with suede elbow patches, leads me to believe he'd make a perfect Professor of Love. Perhaps with an accompanying video series, which I feel like would be on VHS even though that technology would be about 25 years too old by then.

Though if no one in 2022 is in the market for such a person, either because we've all been desensitized to real feelings by the media or we only interact via the internet, I would suggest Professor of Paleontology as a backup. Mostly just because of the suede elbow patches. And the fact that Manny once had a reptile as a pet.

-Greeting card poem writer This profession allows Manny to utilize his passion for the metered word to bring joy to millions. To bring an air of sophistication back to the greeting card industry among the hordes of Awkward Family Photo birthday cards, beer-related jokes and the various array of "you're HOW old?" cards. (Which, by the way, are we STILL doing that? Really guys? Does anyone even buy those cards anymore? Someone should get fired.)

-Golf attire model Is there anyone that sports one of those knit hats with the pom-pom or a pastel-colored sweater vest better than Manny Delgado? I submit that there is not. Think of the possibilities: catalogs, websites, commercials, billboards, holograms (it's the future, guys)! Everywhere you go, it's MANNY. Just Manny.

His fame will grow so exponentially that only a first name will be required. Easter-colored golf attire will even make a comeback among professionals. Who doesn't want to see The Next Tiger Woods rock the pink-and-green plaid? And we'll have Manny to thank. And me, for suggesting it. So, you're welcome, The Next Tiger Woods. You're welcome.

-Cliche generator Do you ever wonder how cliches even get started? How do they become a thing? I have no idea, but I do know that many cliches eventually just drop out of the language gradually until no one says them anymore. Like "on the double!" (I learned that from A Christmas Story.)

I do not want the rich tapestry of the English language to unravel because no one is bothering to come up with new cliches. Enter Manny Delgado. I can think of no one better at perpetuating cliches than him, due to the nature of these gems:

"She's like a dream, wrapped in a wish, poured into jeggings."

"You're playing fast and loose with my soul."

"You have a laugh that makes science class seem like recess."

-Advice columnist I, for one, would read "Dear Manny" every week if it appeared in my paper. Boy's got some wisdom. Due to the nature of his old soul, when Manny is 22, it will seem more like he's 62. Think of all the knowledge he will have in that season of life! Oh, the things he will have seen! Who wouldn't listen to a 62-year-old's advice? Well, stubborn hoodlums, that's who. But stubborn hoodlums don't read the paper, so I think we're safe.

So Manny, you're welcome. You have a plethora of career paths to choose from thanks to yours truly. Go forth and continue your legacy wherever life may take you.

What other suggestions do you have for Manny?