Um...who is casting The Talk?

Let's talk about The Talk. I realize how ridiculous that sentence sounds, but I stand by it.

So I just found out this show existed. It's basically The View only sadder.

In watching a clip from the show within an article I was reading, I was overwhelmed by the mediocrity of the cast on this show. Daytime T.V. producers: this is seriously supposed to compete with Ellen? Ellen could wipe the floor with these yahoos.

When Sharon Osbourne comes off as the insightful, wise one, you know you've just slapped this thing together all willy-nilly.

This brings me to a segment I like to call "REALLY?" with Laura McClellan. [Yes, this is a total rip off of SNL. Please don't tell them.]

Really, The Talk? Really? You were created by Rosanne's Daughter. No one knows her real name [Sara Gilbert, BTW], which is why I had to click on it in Wikipedia to even realize who she was. Have we not collectively decided as a society that not only has her prime passed, but also that she is the worst? I don't even know why I think she's the worst. She just looks like she would be.

And not only is Rosanne's Daughter responsible for this monstrosity, she is also one of the cast members. Really? Who heard that pitch and was like, "YES. THIS WILL BE THE BEST SHOW EVER AND TOTALLY TRUMP THE VIEW?" Get real.

And really, Aisha Tyler? I thought you were better than this. You had a recurring role on arguably TV's most beloved sitcom. YOU WERE CHARLIE. And you will always be Charlie in my heart. Which means in my heart, you are an accomplished, sophisticated paleontologist and NOT 1/5 of a televised round-table discussion about Simon Cowell's "goods" or lack thereof (yuck). Don't resign yourself to this kind of mediocrity.

And then there's this lady:

I don't know who she even is, but she is BEARING HER TEETH AT US! DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY AT HER! JUST PLAY DEAD.

I think she's supposed to be The Funny One, but judging from the clip I saw, I think she's really just The "You Go Girl" One.

Then there's Julie Chen, who is supposed to be the "moderator." I think this means she's supposed to act serious and ask questions and have big hair. I don't know. She seems like a definite waste of space.

And really? The original cast included Leah Remini and The Girl From Hairspray (play version)? This is the most ragtag group of non-specials I've ever seen on television.

How bad do you have to be to be fired from The Talk, especially considering who got to stay [see: teeth-bearing intimidation technique above]? I mean, really.

Who wants to listen to these people talk for an hour? NO ONE, that's who. Four people, tops. I might've been able to tolerate Aisha Tyler, but we've already established that I'm disappointed in her.

GO HOME, guys. Just throw in the towel. Really.

Who do you think would make more interesting panelists on a show like this? My votes: LC from The Hills, Stefan from SNL, Beyonce, Neil Patrick Harris, Tina Fey.

Pumping the Brakes on Happy Endings

Recently it has come to my attention that not only do people not view Happy Endings as the worst show ever, they actually seem to ENJOY it. The cold opens I'd seen after Modern Family had repeatedly made me want to die a little inside, so I got all clinical about it to see if I could determine what all the fuss was about. Below are my findings:

Pre-Research Generalizations:

Casey Wilson is the worst. She has crazy eyes and no one likes her.

I'm very AWARE they're acting in the cold opens. And everyone is way too over the top.

Post-Research Generalizations:

Okay, I'll admit it. I laughed out loud a couple of times. It has more potential than I thought. I think the individual characters have their funny moments--even in pairs-- but I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of obnoxious chaos when watching the group all together. Like I somehow got invited to a dinner where I don't know anyone and everyone is talking loudly about stuff I don't get and the waitress is standing by our table like, "Um, who ordered the fish tacos?" and no one is listening.

Group Dynamic:

The group dynamic, to me, comes off like this: WEIRD NOSES, SCREAMING, OBSCURE REFERENCE, CHAOS ENSUING, CLUMSY FUMBLING, MORE WEIRD NOISES...I just want to do one of those moments like in teen movies when they're in a cafeteria and no one will stop talking and the smallest, most unexpected character stands on a chair and yells, "QUIEEEEET!" and everyone is like, whoa, and then the main character is like, thanks, and the small person is like, *beams*.

I just can't handle it. I can’t handle it in real life and I can’t handle it on T.V.

Just CALM yourselves. Take it down a notch. Not everyone can be Chandler. Some of you have to be Ross.

Character Analysis:

I feel like the guys on this show--who in my opinion are a lot funnier than the girls--are basically slightly different versions of the guys on New Girl. Dave, a.k.a. Nick, has the potential to be quite funny when he's not trying so hard. I actually like him. And Brad seems a little less spazzy than the others. A little more reasonable. He's Winston (can't help the obvious coincidence). Fairly likeable. I also noticed traces of Schmidt's voice in Max during the scavenger hunt episode.

But I don't get Max at all. I get that he's The Weird One, but there’s no quirky twist to him. He's not weird yet endearing, or weird yet hilarious. He's just plain weird. Like the kid in your middle school that stood in the corner and mumbled to himself about aliens. He doesn’t seem to add anything to the cast.

I still think Casey Wilson is the worst and opens her mouth far wider than necessary when she speaks, but at least they make fun of her character in the show. They're not trying to pass her off as super likable, so she's a little easier to take knowing that.

Alex is just a caricature of a dumb blonde. It's not even believable. Guys, she actually said "I HAVE A BRAIN IDEA." This is not the bachelor. We don't need that kind of nonsense in scripted television. We have enough of that in reality T.V.

[Also something I get enough of in real life and don't need in my TV lineup: verbal abbreviations. There is no need for "wherevs" (PENNY) or "solush" (DAVE). That's no longer cute.]

No real feelings about Jane other than the fact that I feel like she’d be mean to me if I ever met her.

So, in conclusion, a few of the characters have potential, and I can see how you could like them, but the group dynamic is so overwhelming that I still can’t officially get behind it.

Where do you stand on Happy Endings?

MILEY CUT HER FINGER YOU GUYS

[Excuse me a moment while I get all Knox McCoy on you.] Oh em gee. Guys. Are you ready for this? I don't know that you are. Take a deep breath. Clear your mind, because this is going to make it implode.

MILEY CUT HER FINGER. WITH A COOKING KNIFE. [article here]

It's okay, just try to keep breathing. Go get a paper bag if you need to. I'm not sure how that actually helps hyperventilation, but they do it in the movies so it's got to be effective.

I know what you're thinking:

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN? WHO WAS IN CHARGE OF HER FINGER AT THE TIME?

Why was she cutting her own food? Don't they know who she is? Does Billy Ray's soul patch know about this?

Why do bad things happen to mediocre people?

Don't worry though. According to the article, this unflattering picture of her suggests that she is uncomfortable, but stable:

Miley, I know it's tough to go through something like this. Especially in the public eye. But like Kelly Clarkson says, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You will rise from the ashes of this tragedy like a phoenix, with a renewed vigor for life and that same perpetual frog in your throat. And we will watch with anticipation and reverence as you continue on your path to self-discovery. Because, as you know, it's all about the climb. (See what I did there?)

Get well soon, Miley. We're all rooting for you.

My Rollercoaster Relationship with Pinterest

I've recently come to the conclusion that I have a highly dysfunctional relationship in my life.

One that started with curiosity and reverie but quickly dissolved into stone-cold silence. The kind where you both just sit at the table glaring at each other with your arms crossed during Thanksgiving until someone else asks you to pass the mashed potatoes or perform that showtune you've been working on (I don't know what kind of Thanksgivings you have).

This relationship is with Pinterest.

Due to the rollercoaster of emotions I've experienced with it over the span of just a few months, I'm harboring some bitterness towards it.

I roll my eyes and scoff every time I see that little P logo somewhere underneath an image. Pin It? YEAH RIGHT. LIKE I WOULD EVER DO ANYTHING WITH YOU EVER AGAIN.

It's bad, guys. I just want things to be the way they used to be.

So I thought I would share with you my experience. Get it all out. Perhaps then Pinterest and I can be reconciled and move on.

So here it is, my relationship with Pinterest, as described by the thoughts in my head at the time:

PHASE 1: In which Pinterest and I are introduced.

What the heck is this? Just pictures? Why is it so "addicting" and why is it so exclusive that I need an invitation? Why is it forcing me to sign up through another social network? How do I unfollow the 80 Facebook friends I am now automatically following on Pinterest? WHY WOULD I MAKE MY OWN SOAP? I DON'T UNDER---oh...this is actually quite nice.

PHASE 2: In which Pinterest and I hold hands and skip through fields of wildflowers while "Do you believe in magic?" plays in the background.

Pin, pinny pin pin. Cute. Cute Cute. Too bad I don't have my own house or crafting skills or a bank account large enough to accommodate all these cute things I'm pinning. Oh well. No matter!

DECLARATION: I WILL NOW BUY ALL MY FURNITURE AT THRIFT STORES AND MAKE IT LOOK AWESOME AND PREPARE GOURMET MEALS USING ONLY STRING CHEESE AND PILLSBURY BISCUITS!

I have also discovered that I love Harry Potter jokes. In any form.

Hm...I wish I had more pins to look at. What's this "Everything" page?

PHASE 3: In which Pinterest and I are BFF and do everything together...until I start to need some space.

Look at all the things!!

I want ALL the things.

Why are there so many of the same things?

I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO SEE ALL THE THINGS!

I am feeling overwhelmed that I will never catch up to the things I've already seen.

There are 60 pictures in my field of vision! My eyes don't know where to go first. Left? Right? Up? Down? WHY IS EVERYTHING STAGGERED? What ever happened to nice, neat rows?

SENSORY OVERLOAD. Okay, clearly I cannot handle looking at ALL the things. I will resolve to only look at my FRIENDS' things.

PHASE 4: In which I have intentionally created space between Pinterest and me and it gets kind of awkward.

I have seen all my friends' pins. Some multiple times. But the Everything page clearly gives me the early stages of a stomach ulcer. Sigh. Back to Facebook.

[Awkward Silence]

Oh yeah, I should look at Pinterest! Only two pins since last time I looked? Sigh. Refresh Facebook.

[Longer Awkward Silence]

Oh yeah…Pinterest. Well, I'm probably too far behind now anyway to catch up without revisiting the anxiety I feel looking at the Everything page. CNN it is.

PHASE 5: In which Pinterest gets clingy and I get angry.

Why am I getting 31584 e-mails saying that people I don't know are following me on Pinterest and commenting on some salsa recipe I pinned months ago?

Pinterest, just stop e-mailing me and leave me alone. I've moved on, okay? You're getting dangerously close to MySpace territory, and I can't stand to see you like that.

PHASE 6: In which I break up with Pinterest and attempt to remain acquaintances.

Pinterest, this is hard for me to say, so I'm just going to blurt it out. I turned off my e-mail notifications. I know, I know. But it had to be done. We had some good times, but I just can't do this anymore. Maybe I'll see you around. I hope one day you'll understand.

What is your relationship with Pinterest like? ("Nonexistent" and "I don't understand this post" count.)

This Just In: We're Now Outsourcing Teen Idols

Our country has produced an array of teen pop sensations over the last few decades. David Cassidy. New Kids on the Block. Britney Spears.

We were good at it. The U.S. had the tween market covered--especially in the late 90's. Sure, there were the Spice Girls and probably a couple others who came from across the pond, but I'd say most of the teen idols were from right here in the U. S. of A.

But lately what was formerly our territory is being encroached upon. We're being out-danced here, and America needs to step it up. (In no way did I intend to reference the breakdancing underdog movie "Step It Up." It just happened.)

I present to you three artists who support my theory:

Exhibit A: Justin Bieber

I have nothing but love for J.Biebs. I've seen Never Say Never approximately 5 times. Due to the fact that I own it. Knowing that about me may cause you put me in a certain category in your mind. I'm okay with it. Do what you have to do.

But regardless of how you feel about him, you can't deny that the Biebs is probably the biggest tween pop sensation on the planet right now. And in case you didn't know, Justin Bieber hails from the Great White North. Yep, the reigning prince of pop is Canadian. And that's okay. I'm Canadian, too. (That may also put me in a certain category in your mind, which I'm prepared to deal with. I've been dealing with it for the last 18 years. But that's a story for another time.)

But the top spot in teen idol-dom has traditionally been held by good ol' fashion Americans like Nick Carter and Justin Timberlake, and no one from these here United States is even coming close to competing with the Biebs. Which brings me to my next example.

Exhibit B: One Direction

It seems that One Direction has harmonized their way into our hearts at lightning speed over the last few weeks. I, for one, am sold. What's not to like? Bowties. Suspenders. Very little synchronized arm motions. It's Boy Band 2.0. New and improved. You might think these are just wholesome American kids from the midwest who came to the big city with a dream and a YouTube video. Until you hear them talk. Once you're done swooning, you realize that these are no ordinary pretty teenage boys. These are pretty teenage BRITISH boys. It's the trifecta of hearthrobbiness. American boys don't stand a chance. Point UK. [See their SNL performance here and be won over.]

Exhibit C: Carly Rae Jepsen

Carly's a little different because she's not herself a teen, but I think her fun pop music and the fact that my teenage cousins listen to her qualify her as a teen pop sensation. I found out about Carly via Twitter when Jackson Pearce tweeted videos of herself dancing in the car and singing "Call Me Maybe" on repeat (which I now do). I looked it up and downloaded it almost immediately. I later found out (shock) she got third place on Canadian Idol, therefore making her Canadian. "Call Me Maybe" is in my top 10 songs right now, but she is another example of how Americans are falling behind in this category.

I'm a fan of all the above artists. They all have a special place on my iPod. I applaud Canada and England for producing such quality talent.

But guys, are we just done contributing teen idols to pop culture? What happened to the JoBros? (Seriously, where did they go? I'm asking.) Where is our new Hannah Montana? Are we not going to commit to raising up the next generation of bubblegum pop? How will tween girls know what to cry inappropriately about? And why is Disney dropping the ball on this? Lookin' at you, Bella Thorne.

Are we just going to lie around and let other people (or YouTube) do it for us? That's not the American spirit. Well, maybe it is. But I propose a revival in the teen idol production line. If we work together, we can bring one of our own into the spotlight for their shot at two years of fame and a lifetime of public mishaps. Who wouldn't want that?

So I implore you, future teen pop stars of America, don't give up on your dream. We need you to represent us. Don't let us down.

Who's your favorite teen pop sensation? (Come on, you know you have one.)

Marshall Eriksen: Bigfoot Hunter?

One fateful day in the winter of 2012, my husband and I discovered Finding Bigfoot (or "Bigfoot Hunters," as I will inevitably always call it, likely due to the omnipresence of House Hunters in my life.)

Immediately we were intrigued. So many questions:

-Where did they find these people?

-Since when is there such thing as the Bigfoot Field Research Organization (or BFRO, as those in the biz call it)?

-Making a guy named Bobo run through the woods from 50 yards away, and screeching in the forest at 1am counts as research?

-Will they ever convince Ranae--the token skeptic--that Bigfoot exists, or, perhaps more importantly, to get a better haircut?

Though I do think this ragtag group of underdogs makes for a pretty good team, I would suggest one additional member: Marshall Eriksen.

Why? Six reasons, easy:

+ He has the faith of a child when it comes to belief in mystical creatures (see: Nessie). I expect he would be totally on board for bigfoot research.

+ He's probably almost as tall and broad as the average bigfoot (we viewers wouldn't actually know) so he'd be great for the reenactments. At some point Bobo is going to get tired of traipsing through the woods and calling out "did it look taller than me?" He'd probably welcome having an alternate to tap in.

+ Marshall could slap-bet Ranae every couple episodes that they'll finally see a bigfoot. Sure, he'd get slapped a lot, due to the fact that these people are terrible at the one thing they've devoted their entire lives to, but who wouldn't tune in to see that?

+ Marshall also cares deeply about the environment and is from rural Minnesota, so I'm fairly certain spending the night in the woods every other day would be a delight for him. He needs a break from that city life anyway. Remember when he lamented that he is too big for New York while at Stella's house in New Jersey? The crowds, the small spaces...not a problem in the squatch country.

+ He comes from a family of quaint people who put mayonnaise in "salad," and I think it would be safe to say the witnesses in Finding Bigfoot run in similar circles. He'd connect with them instantly, making him a perfect interviewer.

+ It would be handy to have a big guy like Marshall around just in case they ever really do find a bigfoot. I don't think they have a plan in place for when (if) they actually succeed. All the computer-generated images of bigfoots (bigfeet?) in the title sequence and reenactments are pretty ferocious-looking. Do they think the bigfoot is just going to intuitively understand that this particular group of humans are simply fascinated by the not-so-gentle giant, not trying to hurt him, causing him to simply tip his metaphorical hat and be on his way? Come on, Bobes. Get real.

(Side note: Is Bobo the same person as Judah Friedlander? The voice, the flowing, mangy locks...AND novelty trucker hats. Something to think about.)

At least Marshall would stand a chance against a Bigfoot. Bobes would probably trip and fall in his attempt to run away (he doesn't look very light on his feet). Moneymaker and Cliff would probably try to reason with the thing and fail. And Ranae, in a state of shock (due to her skepticism which they only allude to 287 times per episode) would probably just pass out, or abandon any attempt at maintaining her cool demeanor and start instinctively regurgitating everything she's learned in a rampage of tree knocks and squatch calls. Then pass out.

Marshall could at least put up a good fight and give everyone else a chance to get away. And y'know, I don't think he would mind taking one for the team. He's loyal like that.

What other characters would you like to see on Finding Bigfoot?

The Thing I Didn't Get About Glory

When I think of glory, I think of Roman warriors. I'm not really sure how that happened. Let's just agree to blame the movie industry. So when I hear the word "glory," I often find myself picturing a muscular man (usually with Gerard Butler's face) raising a sword in the air, wearing one of those gold leaf crowns and something that slightly resembles a kilt, shouting "FOR NARNIA!" I know I just threw out a hodgepodge of references that are probably in no way related, but that's how it is in my head.

Praise and adoration from others. Celebrated victory. Fame. Renown. All those things are wrapped up in the idea of glory.

But glory doesn't always come barreling through the crowd in a golden chariot.

Sometimes it comes in blog comments and retweets. Sometimes it comes in applause or pay raises or "love those boots!" Nothing wrong with those things on their face. I don't think you need to shut down your comment section or wear ugly boots to avoid it. But making those things your goal, or stacking them up in a nice, neat pile to admire, or feeling less valuable when they don't come...that's when it becomes detrimental.

There's something I heard at my church a few weeks ago that really convicted me of this attitude:

You can't seek God's glory and your own at the same time.

It doesn't work. In seeking God's glory we are required to die to ourselves each day. To put his plans above our own. To humble ourselves and exalt Christ. To surrender to the fact that life is not about us.

I think until that point I understood that I should seek God's glory in my life, but it didn't quite register that it also meant instead of my own. I think my sentiment was that as long as I sought his glory first and foremost, I could seek my own right behind it. As long as I didn't seek mine more than his. It's a slight difference on paper, but it's a huge difference in my heart.

We must give all of ourselves to Christ, and we should strive to exalt him first and foremost in every aspect of our lives.

I'm not going to lie, even though having a blog and pursuing writing is something I think God has blessed me with and delights in, doing something so fueled by my own creativity and individuality makes this little concept pretty difficult to retain. Any slight gain in traction or appreciation can easily set me back on a track that says it's all about me.

It's difficult to walk the line between having the freedom in the Spirit to not be required to write a "Christian" blog or "Christian" book in order to glorify God, and writing books and blogs that do nothing but promote myself. I sometimes struggle with how to still glorify God (rather than myself) even though I'm not overly talking about him.

Though I have found that when I'm making my blog traffic or my desire for people to like my writing a higher priority than my relationship with the Lord, I find that I'm more stressed and unsettled. I feel like I'm always behind what everyone else is doing. But when I flip those priorities around, I feel more at peace. Funny how that works out.

Because when it's not about me, it takes the pressure off. There's no grade or performance review. It doesn't matter if two people read my blog or if two thousand people read it. It just matters if I'm exalting Christ with my life. Which is not to say that's easy, but it's not contingent on doing everything right. And that's a relief.

It's a daily struggle for me, and one that I'm sure I'll be working on for a long time.

What parts of your life are you tempted to use for your own glory?

Things I Forgot Existed (Until Recently)

The longer I live, and the longer the Internet exists, I have come to realize there is a plethora of things I would have never remembered existed if left unprompted. Thanks to the constant stream of nostalgia the Internet provides, I never have to go very long without remembering (thanks, 90's Girl Problem!). But here are a few things I genuinely forgot existed until I either had a divine revelation or...saw it somewhere. I thought you might enjoy remembering them with me:

Palm Pilots My dad had a Palm Pilot when I was growing up. But Dad's Palm Pilot was not for playing, guys. Not like those new fangled iPhones. It was all business. None of that Draw Something nonsense (Which I rule at, by the way.). Also you had to learn an entire new alphabet in order to write on it with the stylus. That seems unnecessary, but whatever. It was a computer in your pocket.

I'd like to take this opportunity to send out condolences to the Palm Pilot family for being rendered obsolete. You had a good run, and professionals of the 90's everywhere tip their hats to you.

CD-holders for Car Visors I literally remembered these existed only when I saw one recently in a car I passed on the interstate. (I salute you, Old School Twenty-Something, for keeping the dream alive.) Remember that period of time when CD's were the primary medium but iPods hadn't permeated the market yet? When cars still had cassette players in addition to CD players? When 6-CD-Changers were a luxury and they often had to be installed in your trunk? The handy CD holder attached to the sun visor in your car and eliminated all your problems. The double-decker ones even held about 40 CD's. [insert "oooooooo" here] I definitely had one in my first car. It likely included some burned CD's (remember burning CD's?), Coheed and Cambria, Taking Back Sunday, Chasing Victory and Mae. (All artists I still listen to. Not ashamed.)

Purple Ketchup This was a thing. I repeat: this was a thing. I still don't know why. It's not like with other things that were under-appreciated at the time but later recognized for their misunderstood genius. This, as far as I can tell, is still useless.

I vaguely remember in elementary school (ish), Heinz had the bright idea to market purple ketchup to children as The New Thing. Of course, it was probably more expensive than red ketchup and tasted exactly the same, but it was PURPLE, guys. Marketing genius. All you have to do to be successful in the food industry is market it to children (aka make it colorful). Eventually parents will cave at the grocery store. Even if it's purple ketchup. Point: marketing people.

NOTE: In the above picture I just found via Google, it says it is made with real Heinz tomato ketchup. It doesn't say it is real Heinz tomato ketchup. What does the rest of it entail that they couldn't legally call it ketchup? I demand answers, 90's Heinz.

Swine Flu I know this was only a couple years ago, but I had already forgotten about it almost entirely. I remember sitting in my International Business class in which my brilliant teacher decided to open the floor for discussion on the whole thing (terrible plan) and a girl (whose accent I have only heard replicated by people trying to do a southern accent who have never been to the south) blurted out over everyone else, "HUHN-DREDS UHV PEOPLE DAH EVERY YE-UR FROM THE FLU!" As if it was the argument to end all arguments. I think she had a farm and raised chickens or something (not an exaggeration) and was apparently very passionate about the swine flu not being a big deal. This is my main memory of the Swine Flu epidemic.

As a side note, college professors: for the love of humanity, NEVER open the floor to discussion about controversial issues in class, unless it is directly relevant to the subject matter. (See: my music publishing teacher opening the floor the day after the 2008 election results.) All it gets us is four particularly outspoken people starting sentences with things like, "Well, when you REALLY look at ...." while the rest of us hate our lives for the next hour and a half.

Anyway. Remember when Swine Flu was a thing and we all thought we were going to die? I'm not gonna lie, I got slightly worried. I mean, not buy-a-hazmat-suit worried, but I washed my hands a few more times a day.

Rolling Backpacks Parents were concerned about us falling over backwards and/or developing scoliosis due to the weight of our textbooks, so Jansport and LLBean thought to themselves, "Hm, what solution can we provide that will market well to parents but completely disregard social implications for the children? I know: ROLLING BACKPACK."

Now, I never had a rolling backpack (I was far too socially elite), but they always just kind of seemed like a mark of weakness and nerddom. Did you ever see popular kids dragging their backpacks behind them, trying to make sure no one tripped over it? I don't think so. They were too busy sticking it to The Man (aka our parents) by wearing their backpack on ONE shoulder (everyone knows that was the cool way to wear it). Due to the annoying omnipresence of my conscience, I only occasionally rocked the one-shoulder and generally stuck with the wear-it-low-so-it-bounces-against-your-thighs-when-you-walk approach. Still parent-unapproved since you are supposed to wear it high on your back (nerd alert), but at least it distributed the weight evenly.

What's something you forgot existed until recently?

And more importantly: how did you wear your backpack?

Dear Chris Brown: That's Enough Out of You.

Okay, Chris Brown, I've had all I can stand, and I can't stand no more! (I'm waving my fist in the air for emphasis.)

You have officially had your three strikes. Even though, unlike most people, your strikes actually descended in terms of severity, they still count, and I'm done.

STRIKE ONE. [February 2009] Rihanna. Even though she's gotten progressively more promiscuous, peaked with "Umbrella," and I don't think she can hold her own in a motion picture, no woman deserves to be treated the way you treated her. And sure, not all celebrities are stand-up citizens. I get that. But your inexcusable actions were not only in the public eye, but directed towards another public figure beloved by the American people. NOT OKAY.

Somehow you seem to have laid low long enough that the Powers That Be in pop music have let you slide back into mainstream music and awards show numbers in which you pretty much just move your mouth whilst popping and locking in sync with about 20 other people dressed in white. And also throw in some acrobatics and giant LED walls, leaving us with some temporary blindness and confusion about what just happened.

Well, not me, Chris Brown, not me. Rihanna may have forgiven you--as evidenced by her collaboration with you on an overtly offensive song I'm too afraid to actually listen to--but I haven't. And I'm not really sure who else has. Besides, apparently, radio DJ's and whoever books the Grammy's.

STRIKE TWO. [March 2011] You erupted in a fit of rage on the set of Good Morning America, just because they asked you about the aforementioned Strike One, which resulted in some chair-throwing and window-shattering and shirt-removing. This is GOOD MORNING AMERICA, Chris. You were interviewed by someone with the name Robin Roberts. You weren't exactly in the hot seat.

And what did you expect? You beat up Rihanna. You can't just expect to come waltzing in there with your dumb earrings and the white pants you're not pulling off and expect us to just NOT mention it. It's the elephant in the room. If the elephant had sat on Rihanna.

Don't publicists train celebrities to respond to questions like that with rambling nothingness such as, "Y'know, uh, what happened was really unfortunate and I wish I could take it back, but uh, I just hope we can move on and live in a more positive way...and bee tee dubs my album drops on April 20."

Where was THAT, Chris Brown?

Plus, there is no place for outbursts that early in the morning. There just isn't.

STRIKE THREE. [March 2012] 

First of all, the headline of this article reads: "Brown Probe Nears End."

I think there's probably an immature joke in there somewhere, I'm just not sure what it is yet.

Second of all, really, Chris Brown? You're so angry that you're a celebrity that you have to snatch innocent non-paparazzi's phones just for trying to take a picture of you?

I mean, really.

If you want to be famous, you have to deal with people looking at you all the time and knowing when you beat people up. You just do. You can't be all like "UGH I'M SO FAMOUS I WISH PEOPLE WOULD JUST FORGET ABOUT THAT TIME I BEAT UP SOMEONE ELSE FAMOUS AND NEVER TAKE PICTURES OF ME OR MAKE ME SING ANYTHING REAL BUT STILL LET ME BE ON THE RADIO AND MAKE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. UGH."

AMERICA: Why do we keep letting him do stuff? At what point can we just take a vote and excommunicate him from the pop culture community, along with Spencer Pratt and Kristen Stewart? He is the worst.

Am I alone here?

What's your vote: keep him or kick him to the curb?

11 Reasons Why Rachel Should Have Picked Joey

I know, I know. Blasphemy. But think about it. What do Ross and Rachel really have in common, anyway? And they didn't really date for that long over the span of the series. They just kept randomly hooking up and having babies and getting married. Other than those trivial things, no connection.

I propose that Joey would have made a lot more sense as Rachel's lobster (anyone?).

Why? I'll tell you.

[Note: If you haven't watched the entire series, there are spoilers in this post. But I use the term "spoilers" loosely because it's been almost 10 years since the series ended. So I don't really feel bad. Well, I do a little, because if this disclaimer applies to you, your life is incomplete.]

1. Neither take life too seriously (ahem, Ross).

Exhibit A: both laugh at "homo erectus" during Ross's keynote speech in Barbados.

Exhibit B: Rachel teaches Ross's son, Ben, how to prank him. Ross is not amused.

Exhibit C: Joey's entire lifestyle.

2. Ross turns into a soggy marshmallow whenever he's dating Rachel. Is it just me or does Rachel totally wear the pants in this relationship? Watching them interact when they are officially "together" is like watching a chihuahua pout and whine in order to get food from the table while you're trying to eat dinner. At first you sympathize with it because you feel bad, but then it just gets annoying and you kind of want to kick it in the face. Grow a spine, dude.

3. Joey has enough nerve to confess his love for Rachel, even when he didn't know how she would react, which Ross only contemplates about 3849 times throughout the series but pretty much never actually does. Let's do a side-by-side comparison, shall we? Joey's version: "I'm falling in love with you." Ross's version: "Uh, I just uh, wanted to see if you, y'know, wanted to maybe...start things up again?" [insert slow clap here]

4. Joey could beat Ross up.

5. Rachel could beat Ross up.

6. Joey makes more money because he's on a soap opera, and Ross just teaches unenthusiastic college students about dinosaurs (hey, a girl's gotta eat). Rachel also likes soap operas better than dinosaurs. Proven fact.

7. They were clearly better roommates than Ross & Rachel were. Ross hid messages from Rachel and was constantly jealous of any guy she dated. Joey would never do that. He's too loyal. And not very good at being stealth.

8. Ross says Rachel's name at his wedding to Emily, then leaves Rachel to go on his honeymoon alone. Really? That's just on him.

9. When Joey is secretly in love with Rachel, he holds it in out of respect for Ross. When the truth finally comes out and Rachel starts dating Joey, Ross's epic freakout reaches a point in which he pulls tater tots out of the oven without using oven mitts--even though he hadn't actually dated Rachel in six years. He's also dating Charlie at the time, who he kind of stole from Joey in the first place. Joey handles this whole situation like a pro. Point Joey.

10. Ross can't flirt.

11. If she married Joey, she wouldn't have to be Ben's other step-mom (see: Susan), nor would she have to be Ross' fourth marriage.

She would also be exempt from having to explain to the state of New York (and her child) how she had previously been married to Ross thanks to a drunken night in Vegas (though Ross tried to stay married and keep it a secret from Rachel -- again, sad), but then they had a baby together, which again we can attribute to "one drunken night," then later thought, "JAY KAY YOU GUYS!" and decided to get married again. "Guess what, Emma? Our whole family unit is basically a product of decisions made under the influence of alcohol!"

Let's be honest. At least 60 percent of my argument hinges on the fact that Ross, though hilarious, is super lame. I've never understood why Rachel held out for him. This would never work in real life.

What do you think: Joey or Ross?

We Rent A Zoo

We've become THOSE people. Like, the crazy feed-the-birds lady in Mary Poppins kind of people. (Those are a kind of people, right?)

To explain what I mean, we'll have to go back to last year, around this time (well, actually, that's not entirely true, since spring didn't come in January last year), when we noticed a small nest beginning to form on our rain gutter.

No matter, we thought, it's not doing any harm. Plus it would require a ladder to get to, which means we put it in the "someday we might fix that but probably never" category.

But as it began to take shape, we soon realized that whenever we opened our door to leave our house or approached our house, we caught a glimpse of a robin flying away from us into a nearby tree. Every. Time. So we officially had a new roommate.

This robin, whom I lovingly named Regina, ended up laying eggs in the nest which later hatched into baby birds. Real live baby birds. In our midst.

I told this tale (complete with baby bird picture) on my tumblr blog last year, which you can read here.

The baby birds quickly (by my standards) learned to take flight and we (read: I) were left with Regina-sized holes in our hearts. I was a little sad that I didn't get to know the babies a little better or get to see their first steps or teach them how to tweet the Final Countdown, but at least it put a stop to the minor heart attacks we were having upon hearing the rapid fluttering of wings every time we approached our doorway.

This brings us to March 2012.

The snow is melting... I mean, the frost is subsiding... I mean… Whatever, the weather's gone from "sort of chilly" to "pretty darn warm" now, so the robins have returned to our townhouse complex in droves.

We recently noticed the broken porch light outside our door had been gathering some...nature... over the last year or so, but, being the unmotivated twenty-somethings we are when it comes to minor home repairs (see: ladder issue), we ignored it. (Is a porch light really any use in a townhouse complex with street lamps?)

We also never got rid of the nest above our rain gutter. I mean, we couldn't now even if we wanted to, right? So many memories... (cue montage of Regina and me becoming unlikely best friends)

In recent days, that familiar, panicked flutter has come barreling back into our lives, and so have the minor heart attacks. Only this time, the bird has made its home in the porch light on the opposite side of the door, which means it cuts directly across the doorway to escape to the tree. Which means it narrowly misses my face. Every. Single. Time.

I've tried to explain to this new bird that if she would simply fly to the tree to the left of the house instead of the right, we could live in harmony. But she wouldn't listen. (I bet Regina would have listened to me.)

The saga continues…

Today when opening my door I saw not one, but TWO robins fly away from our house. So not only do we have a new nest, but the old nest has been re-inhabited by a robin apparently too lazy to build its own nest. Or either Regina just missed us and couldn't stay away.

So now too much time has passed to evict them. I mean, there might be EGGS in there. You can't evict a mom and her babies. No one is that heartless. Plus, I've already named the new porch light bird Rosita. Whenever you name something, there's no going back.

I suppose if Regina 2.0 is, in fact, a new bird, I should give her a name too, since she's obviously here to stay. But then again, if you're just going to hijack Regina's old nest and not put forth the effort to build a third nest on our porch, I'm not sure you deserve the honor of having me name you anyway.

Sigh. So now we're the crazy people who have bird families living on our porch. We live in a townhouse complex. Do you know how many of our neighbors I've seen with bird nests on their gutters? NONE, that's how many. Probably because when they see a mound of pine straw and leaves in their porch light, they don't look at it with a mixture of disgust and laziness and keep walking, they roll up their sleeves and get that gross junk outta there. But then they don't get to witness the miracle of life either, so, it's kind of a lose-lose in my eyes.

Have you ever allowed wildlife to dwell in or outside your house? What should I name Regina 2.0 (besides Regina 2.0)?

That Awkward Moment When J.Lo and Marc Work Together

What I'm about to tell you may shock you. In light of recent events, it may seem nearly impossible. But these words are the truth.

J.Lo and Marc Anthony have a Latin talent reality show. That is currently on the air.

I'll give you a minute to absorb that.

J.Lo and Marc Anthony, whose tragic breakup I chronicled here, created their own Latin talent competition and it is currently on the air, despite the aforementioned split.

First of all, did any one else know this existed? If so, why didn't you tell me? This is the kind of thing that needs to make pop culture headlines. It's on Fox, guys. Not Telemundo (which is a fine network in its own right). But instead they just quietly slip in trailers in between New Girl previews and Ryan Seacrest's hairdo. (I assume they are under a contract to still air the show, but hoping no one will notice.)

Well, Fox, I noticed.

And I was intrigued enough to give it a chance. I had enough questions to motivate me to investigate: was I wrong about American Idol being the last straw in their relationship? Was it in fact, the pressure of working together in Q'Viva: The Chosen instead ? (HOW out of control is J.Lo's hair/presence in that homepage picture, by the way?) Are their interactions going to be painfully awkward to watch? (They were.)

So I watched an entire episode. Essentially, J.Lo, Marc Anthony, and some guy who looks vaguely familiar named Jamie King, go around to South American countries and watch people who have sent in audition tapes to see if they really have what it takes to be on the show. And they either change their lives forever or shatter their dreams. As all good reality talent shows do.

As I watched, though, I quickly became enthralled, not with J.Lo's larger-than-life hair or Marc Anthony actually having a personality, but with the people they visited.

These people were young, talented, and above all, passionate. We say we're passionate about singing or writing or helping others.

But these people were all-caps PASSIONATE.

They put all of their heart and soul into what they were doing, whether it was a dancer, or an 11-year-old guitar prodigy, or someone doing this thing called "murga," which is so hard to describe ,but Marc called it "poetry in motion," which I feel like was a fair assessment.

What stood out the most to me was a kid named Martin (pictured above with J.Lo). He was probably in his late teens, and he was really unique. He did tricks and sort of danced with a soccer ball--I guess similar to what a Harlem Globetrotter does. His skill at handling the ball was unreal. Catching it with his neck, rolling it around on his body, flinging it into the air with his feet and doing a flip before catching it with an ankle or a shoulder. Ridiculous.

When J.Lo saw him, she really liked him but didn't feel like his act was polished enough for the show. (COME ON, J.LO. COME. ON.)

Here was his response (translated of course):

It's hard, because I really wanted it. But I didn't make it. So I may be losing the greatest opportunity of my life. But I have to go on. That's what being Latin is all about. Latins dont remain lying on the floor. We pick ourselves up seven times if we fall six.

All of the people they auditioned were so proud of their culture and their countries.

There were twins who were hip-hop dancers but danced to traditional Chilean music. When J.Lo told them they were coming to the States to be on the show, they of course erupted in excitement. You know what they said? Not, "Yay! We're awesome!" They said:

"CHILE! VIVA CHILE!"

A lot of the people I saw did the same. "VIVA MEXICO!"

I thought it was beautiful.

In a way, I can't even really apply that to our culture. If we were to say "Long Live the United States!" people might dislike us more than they already do. Let's just be honest.

I think sometimes we see these countries and think to ourselves, "That's adorable. They think their country is the best ever, but it has so much poverty and corruption." (Though maybe not that bluntly.) But even though I'm sure they are well aware of the problems in their own country (as we all have), they are still proud. They love their country and the people in it. They have unity, which is something I think we could learn from.

Either way, even if we can't directly apply their passion to our own country in the same way, it was still beautiful to see and I loved getting to see different types of talent in other parts of the world.

The great thing about this show was that it never gave the impression that they felt sorry for these people for not living where we live. It never made me think for even a second that they were trying to "save" these people. They were trying to highlight their talent and show it off to the rest of the world. They were trying to celebrate Latin culture, not change it to fit American culture.

I loved that. I also have a soft spot in my heart for Spanish and Spanish-speaking countries, so I loved listening to them speak Spanish for an hour. (Side note: if anyone wants to volunteer to help me become fluent in Spanish--I am fairly conversational--out of the goodness of their heart, let me know.)

I don't know if I'll watch it again, but it really opened my eyes to the beauty of a different culture and I so admired their passion, pride and determined spirit.

Have you ever experienced another culture you found intriguing or beautiful in a different way than ours?

Freedom from Expectations (Feat. Sarah Banks)

If you've been around my blog for any amount of time, you may know by now that I love hearing people's stories. It's one of my favorite things about being a part of the Quitter movement--being connected with people I never would have known otherwise, who have big dreams so different from mine and are pursuing them with their whole heart. And I love seeing how God has woven their experiences together to make them who they are today. For the last year, my husband has been producing an EP for a local singer/songwriter and worship leader named Sarah Banks (formerly known as Sarah McCary :) ).

I didn't know Sarah very well when they started working on the album, but over the last year I've gotten the opportunity to get to know her a little better and hear the story of her journey through the highs and lows of pursuing music as a career, and how God has walked her through it.

I think we all have to deal to some degree with the pressure of what other people may or may not be thinking about us, and that, to me, was what stood out in Sarah's story. I find something so unifying and inspiring about how she has come to break free of the chains of others' opinions and trust in the unconditional love of Christ.

Her story resonated with me, and I wanted to share it with you all.

Sarah was not only willing, but excited to let me share it. It's a story of freedom and identity, and I hope something about it stirs something in you, too.

--

Though she moved around a lot growing up, Sarah spent most of her formative years in various parts of Texas. (The more I live in Nashville, the more I discover that Texans are everywhere. And they let you know it.)

At the age of 16, Sarah dove into songwriting as a way to express herself during a difficult time, both with her family and starting at a new high school. Pouring herself into her songs gave Sarah a way to connect with God and declare what he was teaching her even through her circumstances.

"It was really from a place of loneliness that God drew me to Himself and began teaching me not only more about Himself, but also how to write songs about all that I was learning," said Sarah.

After a couple years of practice, Sarah's music got into the hands of some people in the music business in Nashville, by way of her father. And to Sarah's shock, they were interested in meeting with her. Music then became a viable option for a career, even though Sarah had for years planned on attending bible college and working in the mission field.

Torn between her desire to go to bible college and pursuing her passion for music in Nashville, Sarah had a decision to make: move to Nashville and abandon her original dream, or pursue her first dream and risk disappointing a lot of people.

"I loved writing music and playing so much, but it was definitely the pressure from other people that pushed me to finally decide to move to Nashville instead of going to college," said Sarah.

Upon arriving in Nashville, fresh out of high school, Sarah felt expectations increase all the more, by way of the music industry--particularly in the area of songwriting. Heightened pressure to write a "radio hit" began to take a toll on Sarah. Taking on countless cowrite sessions yet still coming away with nothing that qualified as a "hit" made Sarah start to feel that her songs never measured up.

"From the start, I had wanted my music to be about making much of God and sharing what He was teaching me. Suddenly, I was making it all about whether my songs were good enough to be on the radio," recalled Sarah.

After realizing her focus had shifted, and having grown weary of the pressures of the music business, Sarah decided to take a step back from music--maybe temporarily, maybe forever--a huge risk after being in Nashville only a year.

"I was afraid people would see me as just another person who tried to 'make it' in music and failed. I was afraid that I was letting down all the people who did support me," said Sarah. "But even with all of the fear that it brought, I also felt so much peace. I felt like God was asking me to let go of all of those fears and make sure that I was pleasing Him in all that I was doing. It truly was a huge relief to step back and stop being so worried about meeting other people’s expectations."

After a little over a year of not pursuing music and taking time to strengthen her faith, Sarah has decided to trust God in making music again--this time for Him, and no one else.

"This time, my goal is simply to glorify God in the music I write and in everything I do with my music. I want to be most concerned with walking in humility and faithfulness and allowing God to use me in whatever way He desires."

At the beginning of this year, Sarah made the decision to jump back into writing and playing live.

Part of this new season of life is the release of her upcoming EP this spring entitled "For Your Kingdom." The EP contains 5 songs that Sarah wrote, reflecting her journey and desire to do everything unto the Lord.

If you want to hear some of her music and support the final stages of producing her EP by preordering it, please visit her Kickstarter page! Trust me, it sounds amazing, and you'll want this EP.

--

I love Sarah's story because it's such a great picture of what the world can do to us if we find our worth or identity in what people think, and how God's faithfulness can bring us back. One thing in particular that stood out to me was that fear showed up not only in pursuing music, but also in stepping away from it. It takes courage to step back and risk people thinking you "failed" in order to take care of yourself and your relationship with the Lord. I really admire Sarah for listening to that within herself and taking the risk anyway.

It's never too late to take a step back, cling to the Lord and make a change--no matter what people think. Even if you feel like you've gone too far in the wrong direction.

Have you ever felt overwhelmed with pressures from what others think? How did you handle it?

Possible Career Paths for Manny from Modern Family

Manny Delgado is a man like none other. He dons a burgundy dinner jacket. He writes poetry. He drinks espresso. He's 4 feet, 11 inches of pure class.

But you can't make any money for being the embodiment of suave. As Manny gets older, he's going to want to start thinking about a career path.

Luckily, I'm here to help him out with that. Given his current interests and personality, and considering the fact that most typical work environments would probably get him beat up, here are a few of my suggestions:

-Professor of Love (Or Paleontology) First of all, Manny is a connoisseur of the ladies. They may not always appreciate his charm, but we all know he's got it. That's enough qualification right there. That, combined with the image I can't shake of Future Manny wearing a jacket with suede elbow patches, leads me to believe he'd make a perfect Professor of Love. Perhaps with an accompanying video series, which I feel like would be on VHS even though that technology would be about 25 years too old by then.

Though if no one in 2022 is in the market for such a person, either because we've all been desensitized to real feelings by the media or we only interact via the internet, I would suggest Professor of Paleontology as a backup. Mostly just because of the suede elbow patches. And the fact that Manny once had a reptile as a pet.

-Greeting card poem writer This profession allows Manny to utilize his passion for the metered word to bring joy to millions. To bring an air of sophistication back to the greeting card industry among the hordes of Awkward Family Photo birthday cards, beer-related jokes and the various array of "you're HOW old?" cards. (Which, by the way, are we STILL doing that? Really guys? Does anyone even buy those cards anymore? Someone should get fired.)

-Golf attire model Is there anyone that sports one of those knit hats with the pom-pom or a pastel-colored sweater vest better than Manny Delgado? I submit that there is not. Think of the possibilities: catalogs, websites, commercials, billboards, holograms (it's the future, guys)! Everywhere you go, it's MANNY. Just Manny.

His fame will grow so exponentially that only a first name will be required. Easter-colored golf attire will even make a comeback among professionals. Who doesn't want to see The Next Tiger Woods rock the pink-and-green plaid? And we'll have Manny to thank. And me, for suggesting it. So, you're welcome, The Next Tiger Woods. You're welcome.

-Cliche generator Do you ever wonder how cliches even get started? How do they become a thing? I have no idea, but I do know that many cliches eventually just drop out of the language gradually until no one says them anymore. Like "on the double!" (I learned that from A Christmas Story.)

I do not want the rich tapestry of the English language to unravel because no one is bothering to come up with new cliches. Enter Manny Delgado. I can think of no one better at perpetuating cliches than him, due to the nature of these gems:

"She's like a dream, wrapped in a wish, poured into jeggings."

"You're playing fast and loose with my soul."

"You have a laugh that makes science class seem like recess."

-Advice columnist I, for one, would read "Dear Manny" every week if it appeared in my paper. Boy's got some wisdom. Due to the nature of his old soul, when Manny is 22, it will seem more like he's 62. Think of all the knowledge he will have in that season of life! Oh, the things he will have seen! Who wouldn't listen to a 62-year-old's advice? Well, stubborn hoodlums, that's who. But stubborn hoodlums don't read the paper, so I think we're safe.

So Manny, you're welcome. You have a plethora of career paths to choose from thanks to yours truly. Go forth and continue your legacy wherever life may take you.

What other suggestions do you have for Manny?

Disturbing Headline of the Day: Super Sharks

"Shark Baby Boom Underway" 

It's been a while, but Disturbing Headline of the Day is back with a vengeance.

I thought the headline itself was disturbing at first, but I'll be honest, it really only gets worse:

Yes. You read that right.

GLOBAL WARMING BREEDS SUPER SHARKS.

Apparently the warmth of the water is making sharks go insane and mate with anything that swims by, creating hybrid species of super sharks. This is real life. I repeat: this is REAL life.

Where do I even begin?

Observations and/or Concerns:

1) The news anchor refers to this period of time as "Shark Spring Break," which is just quality imagery all around. Does anyone else just picture Bruce from Finding Nemo wearing a lei and a hawaiian shirt, drinking a strawberry daiquiri and high-fiving a hammerhead whilst the lady sharks swim by and wink at them?

2) Super sharks? Really? Do we really need to add any other frightening characteristics to the resume of sharks, let alone have something called SUPER sharks just waltzing around the ocean? (Can sharks waltz? Let's be honest, super sharks can probably do anything.) I don't want to be around when we encounter one. What if the super sharks, due to their highly evolved brain capacity, are able to figure out how to survive on land and they form a gang of super sharks who try to take over the world? What if they wear bandanas and have gold teeth? Did anyone think about that? I think we'd all be regretting Shark Week right about then.

3) Speaking of Shark Week, does this mean it can't go on? I mean, if the super sharks take over the world, I'm pretty sure they'd find it offensive. Actually, we'd probably be their prisoners anyway, so it might not even matter at that point. Maybe we wouldn't even want Shark Week. And in what kind of society do Americans not want a Shark Week? One that has gone to hell due to super sharks, that's what. Of course, there's always the chance that super sharks will just stick to the rivers and the lakes that they're used to (anyone?), and Shark Week will just have the privilege of introducing a new species of hybrid sharks to put people in near-death experiences with.

4) THIS PICTURE:

"Alarming." Right there. They actually use the word "alarming," which indicates that we should be ALARMED. Why should we be alarmed, CNN? Are the super sharks indeed going to take over the world? Will the underwater ecosystem cease to exist? Will they just keep mating constantly until we have starfish-sharks hobbling around? Will the starfish-sharks be dangerous? THESE ARE QUESTIONS I NEED ANSWERS TO.

Does this slightly scare anyone else?

The Mustangs are Hot!

GUYS.

You know how, in the future, we'll be like, "Hey remember that time Manny dressed up like a plush horse and danced around with sparklers?"

THIS IS THAT TIME.

 

Happy Friday!

This Just In: They're Letting Me Write Other Places

Sometimes I feel bad that I watch so many T.V. shows. I've really cut down on the amount of mindless channel surfing [thank you, thank you], but I still have about 6-7 shows I watch regularly at any given time. Not to mention the fact that I have a queue of about 3 more that I want to catch up on and get into. I'm secretly afraid one day someone is going to respond to my abundant T.V. references with "oh yeah, T.V. I don't even own one of those. I find I don't even miss it," and make me feel like a lesser human being.

And yes, I probably should be doing something more intellectual like reading The Odyssey or contemplating what lies beyond the universe. But I'd really just rather watch Barney Stinson try to pick up a girl by pretending he's come back from the future and the fate of the world depends on it.

Unfortunately, filling my head with useless knowledge about Liz Lemon's eating habits and why Shawn and Angela just couldn't seem to work it out has never paid off in real life…until now.

Thanks to the minds of Knox McCoy and Tyler Stanton, there's finally a place for people like us: TV Asylum.

I was excited about this immediately. Finally, a place for us to share our varied and passionate opinions about fictional scenarios. A place for us to analyze and discuss the intricacies of characters. A place for us to make fun of people who go on a TV show and compete for the love of a caveman.

I found out they were looking for contributing writers and I knew I had to apply. In case you haven't noticed or you're new to my blog, I like T.V. And writing about it.

A couple days later and…[drumroll please] I am officially a contributing writer to TV Asylum!

You may remember one of my Finish Year goals is to do some guest posting. I'm totally counting this.

Check out TV Asylum here and stay tuned for some posts by me!

What's your favorite T.V. show? 

The Emotional Toll of Sarah McLachlan Commercials

For years, we as a society have been plagued with the major buzz-kill of the infamous Sarah McLachlan commercial.

You know the one. The one they slide in between a Snuggie commercial and Friends reruns and makes you want to cover your ears and sing "LALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" like you did when you were 5?

Can we all just agree this commercial accomplishes nothing but making us hate our lives for approximately a minute and a half? Never do I feel the unique combination of anger and guilt more strongly than when that fateful song begins to play:

In the aaaaaarms of the a-a-angels...

I've also never met someone who's said that commercial moved them enough to donate money. I don't even remember what charity it's for and I've seen it about 400 times. (If you are the exception to this, please let me know. I want to know what you know.)

The worst part is there are now TWO.

The second features Alyssa Milano (of...something fame...early 90's, I wanna say?) and is essentially the same commercial only without the haunting melody, and change the puppies to children.

Sarah. Alyssa. Stop making me feel like a jerk because I automatically mute the TV or change the channel any time your commercials come on. Don't look at me that way. It's like your eyes are boring into my soul saying, "WHY DO YOU HATE THE CHILDREN? WHY, LAURA? DON'T YOU SEE THIS PUPPY'S SAD EYES? THEY'RE AS BIG AS SAUCERS AND WELLING WITH TEARS AND INNOCENCE! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GIVE UP 50 CENTS A DAY TO HELP THESE SAD CHILDREN AND PUPPIES LIVE? Fine, just go drink your Starbucks in front of your Macbook and try not to think about your material abundance in the midst of such poverty. Go ahead."

You see? You see why I change the channel? I'm sorry! Okay? But bumming me out in the middle of The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe is not the way to get my money, Alyssa. And a "beautiful T-shirt" or "specially designed tote bag" is not going to win me over either. I'm not a sellout. (Throw in a commemorative coin and we'll talk.)

As a side note, what are the requirements to be the spokesperson for one of these commercials? Does it just have to be a person who has faded enough from celebrity status that they are available, but not so much that no one will recognize them? Full disclosure, I would have never been able to identify Alyssa Milano just by looking at her. The name caption is definitely necessary.

[Breaking: GUYS. I just googled Alyssa Milano to figure out what the heck she did with her life to make her famous and found out she played a character named "Nurse Mindy" in the 2011 blockbuster New Year's Eve. NURSE MINDY. I can't even add anything to that to make it more amusing. It stands alone. If you need more proof as to why that movie was the worst idea ever, please refer to my post on the Law of Diminishing Celebrity Utility.]

Anyway, here are the audition requirements I imagine are advertised for these commercials:

1) The ability to display two quarters between your thumb and index finger like a wheel of fortune model without dropping them or giving in to the temptation to rub them together like an old-timey mobster trying to decide which table to gamble on. 2) The ability to hold a very concerned facial expression for the duration of at least 1:30 straight--not many people can do that. it's a very underestimated skill. Apparently Alyssa and Sarah can do it. 3) Super dramatic acting skills, and in this case, the pets in the commercial are no exception. I have reason to believe they must all be graduates of the Guilt-trip School of Dramatic Tricks (For Pets and Other Fuzzy Animals), sponsored by PETA.

And the aforementioned C-list celebrity status, of course.

Do you hate these commercials as much as I do? It's ok, this is a safe place. No one will judge you. (Any Jesus Jukes will be promptly reprimanded.)

For the Times When You Forget Who You Are

Our 20's are weird.

There are so many different possible stages of life wrapped into that one 10-year time frame. Not just within the span of our individual lives, but across the board.

One 25-year-old has two children already, balancing work and motherhood. One 25-year-old is at bars until 2am just living the life. One 25-year-old is newly married. Another is working on her medical degree. Yet another has set off to travel the world, because, as they say, "these are the best years of our lives."

Is there any other age group that is on the whole so schizophrenic?

A theme that seems common throughout all of our 20's, though, is the struggle to find an IDENTITY.

For so long our sense of self has been shaped by our families, our high school friends, our hometowns, and maybe even our college.

Now we're on our own and we've screeched to a halt, looking around for clues as to who we actually are and wondering what we have been doing all this time. (Oh yeah, homework.)

For me, part of that experience was the realization that I had no hobbies. No passions. Nothing that I felt any more alive than usual doing. I'd caught glimpses here and there, but never really gone all-in on anything.

I trucked through high school and college, just doing my homework, playing softball (high school of course), going to church, hanging out with friends and just taking it one day at a time. Who didn't?

But I didn't pursue anything just for me. Just because I liked it. I didn't even know what I liked to do. I just wasted away free time watching T.V. or on Facebook. Then I graduated. Who wants to just go to work 9-5, come home, watch T.V. and go to bed, only to start over again the next day? I realized I didn't really have a sense of who I was outside of my day-to-day tasks and my new husband.

We all spend so much time seeking identity in so many things: Apple products, friends, jobs, riding boots, musical taste, campus groups, talents...

Those are all great things to enjoy. But what happens when we lose those things or they disappoint us? A basketball player who is paralyzed. Friends who drift apart. A CEO who loses his job. Even a college student who simply graduates.

We don't know who we are anymore.

The good news is we don't have to wonder very long. There exist some ancient words that tell us exactly who we are, day in and day out, even if we don't fully believe it.

I love this quote from Jon Acuff's blog:

As we rush off to find anyone or anything to determine our identity, the Bible sits quietly by with page after crazy page of truth about who we are.

I never really knew what it meant to "find your identity in Christ" until this past year. You're right, it does just sound like one of those Christianese nonsense terms that sounds warm and fuzzy but means nothing in practicality. Until you experience it.

I can't quite explain what it feels like other than the fact that when I know who the Bible says I am, I'm more at peace. I'm not so lost. I'm a part of a bigger story. I'm not just another warm body meandering around on the earth until I die.

So when you don't know who you are, when you feel lost and purposeless, when you can't figure out if there's a point to all this…take heart. You belong to Christ.

Know that the Lord, he is God!

It is he who made us, and we are his;

we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.

Psalm 100:3

You are His and you are so loved. You are created to be in relationship with Him, and your identity is not found in what you do, what you buy or what others think about you.

He bought you with the price of his life, therefore you are His, and no one can change that.

One of the great things about that truth is that this identity brings SAFETY and FREEDOM.

Stable ground from which you can go out into the world with confidence and take risks, because your identity no longer depends on others.

I forget who I am sometimes.

I bet you do, too. But don't worry, God's word is there to remind you. Day in and day out.

This catechism turned on the lights for me. Maybe it will do the same for you:

Heidelburg Catechism Question 1. What is thy only comfort in life and death? Answer: That I with body and soul, both in life and death, am not my own, but belong unto my faithful Saviour Jesus Christ; who, with his precious blood, has fully satisfied for all my sins, and delivered me from all the power of the devil; and so preserves me that without the will of my heavenly Father, not a hair can fall from my head; yea, that all things must be subservient to my salvation, and therefore, by his Holy Spirit, He also assures me of eternal life, and makes me sincerely willing and ready, henceforth, to live unto him.

Have you ever forgotten who you are?

Why "Don't Stop Believin'" Gets My Vote for Vice National Anthem

I think there's something missing from our nation's culture. Something glaring, which should have been addressed sooner.

We sing the same song at the opening of every sporting event, year after year: The Star-Spangled Banner. Of course we do, it's our national anthem.

But shouldn't we have a backup?

Y'know, in case the Star-Spangled Banner should find itself unable to perform? What would we do? Just stand there with our hands over our hearts shifting awkwardly for two and a half minutes?

Or just recite the Pledge of Allegiance only to end up cringing when inevitably everyone who had a worse 6th grade teacher than I did puts a pause between "one nation" and "under God," because it then sounds like you're the one who did it wrong, but really you're the only one in a 10 yard radius who did it right? Who wants to do that?

So I propose a solution. Nay, THE solution:

To nationally declare "Don't Stop Believin'" as the official Vice National Anthem. Second in command. I'm not saying replace the Star-Spangled Banner. It's earned its place and deserves respect.

But what if the track skips, or someone freezes with stage fright on the field, unable to sing? What if the Star-Spangled Banner gets banned for some unforeseen reason (stranger things have happened, right?)?

I say we need to be prepared. And what song is more beloved in the American public than Don't Stop Believin'?

Supporting arguments:

1. Everyone knows the words. At least as much as anyone knows the words of the Star-Spangled Banner, if not more. You can't live in the United States for more than 15 minutes without having heard that song any less than 30 times (I don't know how that's possible, but Don't Stop Believin' defies the space-time continuum or something). You learn the words purely through osmosis. So it's not like we'd be teaching an entire nation a new melody. Easy to phase in.
2. An inspirational moment of epic proportions before all sporting events. Picture it: we all "rise for the singing of our national anthem," putting our hands over our hearts and turning our gaze towards the gigantic American flag. We wait in silent anticipation until we finally hear that iconic, unmistakable bass line travel over the stadium speakers and into our hearts..."bum...bum bum bum...bum bum bum..." Smiles sweep across people's faces. Fist pumps fly through the air. Head nods slowly gain momentum, and we all join in: "Just a small town girlllll..." until we finally reach the triumphant ending we've all been waiting for and sing our little lungs out to the heavens above: DONNNN'T STOP! BELIEEEEEV-AN! HOLD ON TO THAT FEE-EE-EE-LAAAAN! I'd wager that the players would be so inspired by that point that the game would have 120 percent more heart than if we had just sung the Star-Spangled Banner. I think you'd be hard pressed to find many things cooler than hearing 18,000 people singing Don't Stop Believin' in unison. Correct me if I'm wrong (but I'm not).
3. The potential for the President to do an air guitar solo. I'd be okay with that. In fact, I'd encourage it. Some may view that as irreverent, but I just see it as the leader of the free world pouring his heart and soul into our Vice National Anthem out of respect for our great country. And if we collectively allow Toby Keith songs to represent our attitudes towards other countries, we should allow this.

If you agree (which you should, given my solid arguments), what are some other reasons DSB should be our Vice National Anthem? If you don't, what song do you think should wear that honor?