Bieber Fever Hits Prime Time

Oh my goodness gracious, you guys. NBC just got bumped up a few spaces on my "like" list after I dropped them in at rock bottom right underneath New Lilly for canceling the Sing-Off and shortening 30 Rock.

Why, you ask? What did this network (which the article I read is quick to remind us is still 4th place) do to regain such favor?

They are airing an hour-long prime time Justin Bieber documentary on Thursday, June 21.

I know. I KNOW. It's too good to be true.

It's important to note at this point in my post that although it may seem like I am being sarcastic, I absolutely am not. If you don't believe me, I will show you a picture of me holding my copy of Never Say Never. Or better yet, you can come over and watch it with me. I dare you to continue to dislike the Biebs after you watch it. Go ahead. Try. You won't succeed. (If you have two ears and a heart, that is.)

Anyway. According to the official press release (via EW), the documentary has “unprecedented access to Justin as our cameras film not only his performances, but his every move on this global tour — giving our viewers an all access pass to his life over a 12-day period, something rarely seen on TV today.”

ALSO, a Justin-cam.

This is going to be good.

Maybe they even captured on film that thing where he ran into a plate glass door or that scuffle with a paparazzi. Okay, so May wasn't his best month. But this will totally make up for it.

Let's cut to the chase, here. I've got 10 reasons why you should watch this Bieberrific event:

+ 30 Rock, Community, Parks and Rec and The Office are not on during the summer. Assuming you too are TV-obsessed and like funny shows, (since you are here at TVA) I can also assume you are no longer tied up on Thursday nights. NO EXCUSE.

+ You can play a drinking game based on how many times Biebs says the word "swag." Extra points if he's dancing or hair-swooshing while he says it. [Alternate drinking game: bets on how many seconds long any given vocal run will be.

+ MAYBE Usher will show up. Maybe.

+ You will have something to talk to your niece about on your upcoming family vacation, which means you can avoid talking about "the face book." SCORE.

+ It's 100 percent free-er than Never Say Never on DVD. (If you don't count your cable bill.

+ You'll be hip to the lingo.

+ You'll probably get to see some pyrotechnics and scaffolding shaped like a heart. Cool, right? [Shh. Just say "right."]

+ He doesn't have that dumb haircut anymore. Well, at least not the original Dumb Haircut, which is about all you can ask.

+ You can use it for research on your grad school thesis about the social repercussions of the reincarnation of "Beatlemania." Assuming that is your thesis, of course. If it's anything else on the planet, this probably won't help you.

+ The joy of listening to the Biebs serenade you with that smooth hip hop sound and secretly wishing you could dance like him. (This one may only apply to me.)

Will you be tuning in? Why or why not? Let's discuss.

Analysis of the "Stank Face"

Stank Face, n: A unique facial expression characterized by the wrinkling of the nose, squinting of the eyes, and swinging of the head, typically displayed by someone who is listening to a very impressive, usually soulful musical performance.

The stank face can also be accompanied by phrases such as, "nasty," "sick," and "dirty." But don't be fooled. These terms actually indicate that the listener finds the song pleasing, not terrible. Confused? Don't worry. It's easy to get lost if you're a first time stank-facer.

Though the stank face has been around for decades, usually showing up on the faces of funk bass players and Eddie Murphy in Dream Girls, it began popping up in the public eye around the time we started making people audition publicly in order to entertain us. [It should be noted that I have zero basis for these factoids other than the fact that they seem kind of right to me.]

I personally am not prone to the stank face. It just doesn't come naturally to me. I'm more of a smile/bob my head/"Dang!" kind of person. My husband, however, is an expert stank-facer. But he can't whistle and I can, so I'd say point Laura.

EXAMPLE:

I discovered this in what is quite possibly my new favorite thing on the internet (at least for today): Who wore it better: Stank Face Edition. At least that's what I renamed it.

To save you the trouble of clicking over (unless you want to see both awesome examples), here is what I consider the epitome of a stank face:

Note the sheer commitment to the stank face J.Lo has. She lets it take her over: the head-swaying in full force, the frown, the fact that at first you can't quite tell if she's about to burst into tears or punch someone…it's all there.

Great form, J.Lo. Great form. Solid 10's across the board.

I hope you found this post educational as well as entertaining---edu-taining, if you will. For any further questions about the Stank Face, please refer to wikipedia or urban dictionary, as I have exhausted my information in this 400-word blog post.

1) Have you ever seen a quality stank face? If so, who? 2) If not, what American Idol contestant (any season) was most likely to get a stank face from you? I'll go first: probably Carrie Underwood.

The Ballad of Spencer Pratt (With Actual Rhymes)

I wrote a real ballad, you guys. Really. At least according to Wikipedia I did, because that's where I got the information on how to format a ballad. It rhymes and has iambic tetrameter and EVERYTHING.

So, without further ado, I present to you: The Ballad of Spencer Pratt.

Note: if you don't know who that is, you're in luck, because this ballad tells his story.

[Ahem]

The Ballad of Spencer Pratt

By Laura K. McClellan

There once was a man named Spencer Pratt, And friendly he was not. With white-blonde mane and matching 'stache, 'Twas only fame he sought.

The tails of Lauren's coat he rode, Into the spotlight gold. He creeped and slithered through the cast, As drama did unfold.

He played the villain willingly, Crafting his plan well, 'Til soon his lady had no friends. (She must have thought she smelled.)

Rumors, lies and secrets flew As Spencer shrugged and laughed, "I don't know what you're speaking of, LC is full of chaff."*

Synonymous his name became with douchery utmost; The public shuddered at the name of Speidi, 'cause they're gross.

Even Spencer's sister knew Her brother was the worst. But though the others pleaded so, To Heidi, he came first.

"What's next for Spencer?" you may ask, "Where can he go from here?" I'll tell you, listener; lean in close. You won't believe your ears.

That Spencer, filled with wit and malice, Knew just what to do. Succumbing to ol' Heidi's nag, He finally said "I do."

At first in Mexico they wed, With no one there to see, The sketch factor was obvious, So they wed again publicly.

Drama, drama everywhere! The magazines proclaimed. Speidi is official now! It will go down in flames!

Now after this, the couple fled To star on NBC, "Get me out of here," it said "I'm a celebrity!"

Speidi lasted but four days on that deserted island, But not before our hero, Pratt Was baptized by a Baldwin.

And then that one time, Speidi wrote (I use that term quite loosely) A book on how to capture fame And feature in US Weekly.

Since then the duo's ebbed and flowed, Divorce was on the table. "A fame whore," Pratt professed himself; Heidi didn't like that label.

"But wait, just wait, it's all a joke!" Sir Spencer cried aloud. "The wife needed a boost in fame; divorce sure draws a crowd."

With that the public turned their backs On Spencer and his lady, And he went down in history As King of All Things Shady.

What can we learn from Spencer Pratt, His creeper-stache and all? Don't be a jerk to everyone; Or this could be you, y'all:

*It rhymed, okay? This is my first ballad.

Question: What do you think Spencer is doing in that picture?

The One-Trick Ponies of Hip Hop

Since the dawn of the 1990's, there have been hip hop artists who shine brightly at one thing and one thing only, then slowly fade into oblivion. They're the one-trick ponies of the r&b community, usually known for one phrase or attribute which is run into the ground by mainstream radio and then goes to no-man's land to die. I don't know exactly where, but it's the same place the Spin Doctors and the people who sang the Macarena went. [Related note: I've been listening to my 90's pop Pandora station a lot lately.]

I thought I'd take some time to salute a few of these connoisseurs of catchphrases and bring them back into the spotlight once again, if only for a moment.

Lil Jon

Back in 2004, when "crunk" was still a thing and it was acceptable for rappers to carry around goblets dubbed "pimp cups," there was a show called Chapelle's Show. In one of the episodes, Chapelle played Lil Jon talking to himself on the phone in what I'd say was a pretty accurate portrayal , as the only words he said were "WHAT?" and "YEAH!" and "OH-KAY!" [The guys in my 10th grade class thought this was hilarious and took it upon themselves to carry on the joke--loudly-- for the remainder of the semester.]

With that, Lil Jon's fate was sealed.

According to Wikipedia, Lil Jon still does things, but no one will ever remember him for anything other than those three words he interjected in every song ever, yelled like someone on a manic rampage after just having escaped from an asylum. I can never tell whether Lil Jon is angry or ecstatic. Though he had notable hits including the moderately successful "Snap Yo Fingers" and "Bia Bia," Lil Jon is forever immortalized by his outbursts of those three iconic words behind more-famous people like Usher and Ludacris.

T-Pain

Oh, sweet T-Pain and your top hats. I actually kind of like this guy. But will he ever be known for anything other than That Guy Who Used A Lot Of Autotune? Probably not. Maybe The Guy From I'm On A Boat. Maybe. But mostly the autotune thing.

T-Pain brought autotune back into the spotlight after Cher tried 7 years earlier with "Believe" and totally failed (in my opinion). But don't worry Cher, the world just wasn't ready for it yet. You were just ahead of your time. Or you're just kind of old for autotuned dance music. You can choose.

T-Pain has also had some hit songs, including the touching ballad "I'm In Luv (Wit A Stripper)," but once again his reputation precedes him and he will be forever That Autotune Guy PARENTHESES No, The One With The Top Hat. But hey, at least you have a top hat collection instead of a pimp cup collection. Because you're classy like that, T-Pain. Don't ever change.

Fun Fact: I just found out his real name is Faheem Rasheed Najm. No wonder he goes by T-Pain.

Missy Elliott

Quick. What are the words to that Missy Elliott song? Y'know…that one that goes…"nick flur flippa flippa flum yet!" That one. At least that's how I sing it. (I dare you to sing it better.)

That's what Missy Elliott will be remembered for. That and being the token girl rapper. Whenever you needed a girl rapper (and Eve was busy), Missy Elliot was what you got. Am I right? It's taken about 10 years for anyone to come remotely close to being the new official Girl Rapper, but Nicki Minaj has officially filled that void, so i'd say Missy's time is over. So hang up your track suit, Missy. It's time to pass the torch.

Who's your favorite one-trick pony artist?

Design Star Recap: Lucalicious

Color. Fabric. Sass. Shoddy last-minute craftsmanship. Unnecessary dramatic host.

What could I possibly be talking about?

DESIGN STAR.

This show has everything: the Southern Living types, the unexpected manly men, the totally-expected sassy men, cat fights, bro fights, human fire-hydrants...wait, no…I heard about that last one from Stefon...I got carried away.

I got sucked into this show within one episode last summer, and I'm pretty pumped for it to be back.

What better way to fill the void in your TV schedule this summer than by watching conflicting personalities try to work together to create cohesively designed rooms within a perpetually-too-short length of time? Almost every episode includes a scene or two eerily similar to that 10th grade group project worth half your final grade, complete with power struggles and the stress of getting graded based on your slacker partner's work. But it's much more entertaining when it's not happening to you.

JUDGE/MENTOR OVERVIEW:

 

Genevieve Gorder: (green dress pictured above) formerly of Trading Spaces fame, Genevieve Gorder has come out of the woodwork with a renewed vigor and a forehead/eyebrow situation that looks like it's being stretched over a skeleton and held in place with a chip clip behind her head. Poor Genevieve. Now she always looks surprised.

Vern Yip: Also of Trading Spaces fame, Vern Yip is almost always laughing casually and stands at a whopping 4 feet, 10 inches. Look out for this shark. His no-nonsense criticism will cut you to the core. Hahaha. Just kidding. He's adorable.

Mystery Celebrity Judge: This third position is filled each week with some sort of moderately famous celebrity, not necessarily a designer. Most notable appearance from last year: Paula Deen. "That hangin' thang looks good, y'all!"

Mentor: David Bromstad. I just love this guy. I feel like I should hate him because of his chipper demeanor and obsession with bright colors, but I don't. He somehow casts a spell over you with his SGF charm and you're left wondering whether you really should reupholster that ottoman in fuchsia this weekend. He helps them with their camera challenges and calls them out when they are about as likable as a paper cut between your fingers.

Which brings us to...the season PREMIERE, where we meet all the design hopefuls, which we can only hope includes someone as terrible and crazy-eyed as last year's Omarosa--I mean Cathy.

Ahem. Moving on.

TIME FOR THE SHOW!

Overconfidence abounds in the opening montage in which people say things like "it's game time" and a guy who looks like the douchebag from any teen movie ever makes the bold statement "I'm the best designer you guys have ever seen" and someone wears lime green sunglasses.

And here are some future guest judges! Kim Kardashian's mom! Julie Chen! Daisy Fuentes! and…wait for it..VANILLA ICE. Oh yeah. This year's gonna be good.

Drama! Cussing! A middle-aged lady cries! Title Sequence!

Let's meet the designers, shall we?

Luca He hails from the STEEL city and is the "only dude in his house," on account of his wife and four female pets. He also has an earring and his hair is greased up like it's 1997.

Design Style: "Lucalicious." This guy is promising. Stellar intro quote: "I'm looking forward to being competitive."

Rachel Kate A pleasant-looking Minnesotan girl who has to leave her daughter to be on the show, which is (anyone? anyone?) the "hardest thing she's ever done in her entire life."

Design Style: Outdoorsy (shocking)

Bex Hale REAL NAME. Basically Bex is a hipster with hair like the girl from Karmin who probably thinks the 1920's are better than 2012. She not only owns an interior design business, but a "successful interior design business."

Design Style: creativity or something.

Jordan the Aussie This guy is already awesome. If nothing else, I totally trust his design sense based solely on his accent and moderately good looks. He apparently designs furniture and has a line of candles.

Design Style: "Masculine Glamor"…also he uses the phrase "razzle dazzle."

Miera The token Older Lady at 63, this Floridian Meryl-Streep-type wants to represent baby boomers. She likes the ocean.

Design Style: "Coastal Casual"

Mikel I already like this guy based on his red pants and matching pocket square. He may or may not be related to Fonzworth Bentley. He hails from NYC.

Design Style: "Vintage Chic". Stellar intro quote: "These hands are manicured but I get dirty."

PAUSE to insert a condescending quote from Luca answering a simple question about whether he does industrial or interior design: "I can do his job, your job, your job…" as he points around the circle at his competition. I get the feeling Luca was the kid at camp giving everyone swirlies on the first day but secretly cried himself to sleep in the cabin because he had no friends.

BACK TO THE DESIGNERS.

Danielle Wants everyone to know that she is not only an interior designer but OWNS HER OWN FIRM. She also has "the single mother" who passed away and wants to win this for her.

Design Style: unknown

Kris The lime sunglasses belonged to him, and he's everything you think Kris With A K on Design Star would be. Plus he kind of looks like a nerd-chic version of Ben Folds. If that's possible.

Design Style: "Client-Driven Modern Eclectic."

Stellar intro quote: "I believe I'm truly unique, extremely talented…"

Yuki Northington Has there ever been a more contradictory name? Yuki has politician hair and four children and a store. She kind of looks like a news anchor. I'm just saying.

Design Style: unknown

Britany Designer AND photographer, guys. And her photos look at LEAST as good as the ones I take on my iPhone. At least.

Design Style: Modern/Glam/Chic. She also declares that she is a bold girl because she is wearing pink.

Hilari Nope, not a typo. It's really with an "i." And IMMEDIATELY Hilari soars to first place on my list of favorites. Why? She is Angie from 30 Rock, guys. (A.K.A. Sherri Shepherd) Any moment now I'm waiting for her to say "HAYUM!" or add "IBS survivor" to the end of her bio.

So here we go, guys: Hilari is a SELF-TAUGHT designer whose life philosophy is the same as her design philosophy: "DO it and DO IT BIG." Man. I wish text could adequately capture her accent. Just…just imagine Angie Jordan.

Design Style: "Glitzy SLASH Transitional" (whatever that means)

Stanley I totally expect this guy to say he's "34 years young," but he doesn't. He will probably be best friends with Luca in about 2.5 seconds. He's the East Coast version of Luca. Metal spiked necklace, tattoos, long hair, overconfidence, this guy has it all. He's a metal sculptor, which totally qualifies him for an interior design competition.

Stellar Intro Quote: "I can build anything you can think of."

It's David Bromstad time! And you know what that means? They got rid of the unnecessary host from last year (the only thing she did was state the obvious, and we have three other people to do that) AND we get more Bromstad! Rejoicing in all the land.

We waste NO time and are already being paired up to makeover a house room by room in three days. They get matched up randomly based on the items they sent in which they thought exemplified their individual styles.

Pairs:

Luca and Danielle: Stuff is about to go down.

Bex and Kris: Hipster clash of the Titans. Who will win? Only time will tell. Bex wears what I can only assume is a viking coin on her finger while she points to paint colors and Kris tells us his item (a glass table covered in tape) is "pure brilliance." You're no fun, Kris. Why can't you be more like Bromstad?

Mikel and Britany - This could totally work. Their room might actually not be a disaster. They at least respect the rules of common courtesy from the get-go.

Hilari and Rachel - Rachel's item is a white ceramic moose head (typical) and... guys. Guys. Hilari brings….one lonely leopard print throw pillow. A LEOPARD PRINT THROW PILLOW. That's adorable. You can get those at Wal-Mart, Hilari. Maybe you should ease up on telling people from the beginning you're "self-taught." They'll find out on their own. I'm so excited Hilari is on this show. Almost as much as I hate erasing the "Y" on the end of her name every time I type it and changing it to an "i."

Stanley and Yuki - Stanley talks just like Edwin McCain, doesn't he? Edwin McCain with a metal spike choker. Anyway Yuki explains that they are both artists so this should totally work. (Foreshadowing)

Miera and Jordan - Less Impressive Meryl Streep wants basket-weave fabric but Jordan the Aussie isn't having any of it because it's too old and apparently not razzle-dazzley enough.

and it's SHOPPING TIME!

Luca tries out some couches while wearing two earrings and cowboy boots at the same time. He picks out white tufted ones. If you listen closely, you can hear his friends back home kicking him out of their band.

Bex uses the word "quirky" about 700 times and tries to convince Kris to get a giant glowing matchstick to put in the room and he actually GIVES IN. Kris, I'm beginning to think you're the worst, but Bex dares to use the word "quirky" even after New Girl's marketing team ran it into the ground, so she's giving you a run for your money.

LUMBER LIQUIDATORS PLUG explodes all over our TV screen for about five minutes while Yuki picks out two-tone flooring.

Cut to Hilari who literally says: "I would lack to have a sow-fuh, becawse it IS a dee-yun [den]. We're not gonna have seances in he-yur…I guaranTEE you people will say, 'I could chee-yull in there.'" Love it. She picks out a geometric gray couch which is actually pretty.

Side note: Yuki's hair is growing exponentially in relation to the stress Stanley is causing her.

….and BROMSTAD is back! And he's wearing a tie! And his shirt is making the cameras freak out! It's like when you try to film a computer monitor. Is it electronic? Is it glittery? We will never know.

It's Day 2 and Bex looks like she just stepped out of a Rosie the Riveter ad only with more orange stripes and onesie-ness. Hilari is wearing a blazer to look sophisticated but ruins it when she screams upon Bromstad's entrance.

Britany totally steps in and takes credit for suggesting they deepen the room's paint color when Mikel tries to say he picked it out. Rude.

DRAMA alert: Jordan and Less Impressive Meryl Streep run into a snafu when their silver crocodile skin fabric they picked out for headboards comes in hides instead of one long roll! Less Impressive Meryl Streep further ages herself by saying she hasn't sat behind a sewing machine in 30-40 years so she definitely doesn't want to sew these things together. Never fear, Aussie Jordan to the rescue! He suggests cutting them into squares and everything is AY OH KAY.

Mikel peruses fabrics to cover an ottoman because Bromstad says he doesn't see any of Mikel's ideas in the room. He finally finds a shower curtain that qualifies as a "piece of Mikel," so it will definitely work.

Scene change and Stanley makes the declaration that they're FINALLY at the steel shop. Thank God somebody finally said something. I was beginning to think there would be no welding at ALL in this episode!

Meanwhile Stanley's partner Yuki, who has already decided to paint their room both purple AND lime green, picks out a Nickelodeon-orange couch for their room. This is definitely going to turn out great.

CLIP DURING COMMERCIAL: Hilari, Kris and Yuki are trying to maneuver the Nickelodeon couch out a door and down a set of metal stairs. Yuki is understandably exasperated at this ragtag group of yahoos she has helping her because Hilari is pretty much useless and Kris, as she explains, is "kind of small." Remember when Ross, Rachel and Chandler try to move a couch up the stairs and Ross keeps yelling "PIVOT!" over and over? It's like that but less funny. But at least Kris's trainer will be proud of him, which is what he announces at the worst time possible.

Back from commercial and Hilari tries to explain to us why a tiny TV that more closely resembles a netbook monitor, placed in the middle of a large frame she constructed on the wall with molding, is actually better than no TV at all:

"I'm addicted to reality TEE-vee!"

Great job, Hilari. Really, top notch assessment skills. It looks terrible. Sometimes less is more, y'know?

Back to Kris and Bex whose room is looking shoddier by the minute. Kris thinks that putting tape on the carpet leading from the previously mentioned inspiration table to the obnoxious 3-foot-tall matchstick will make it look better, not worse. Bex puts holes in the side of a black day bed frame to backlight them and make it look like constellations, because they're all stars and she's "punny like that," but they turned out way too large and now they look like mistakes. Also the walls are painted "Passionate Plum."

Danielle/Luca's and Britany/Mikel's rooms are actually looking like pleasant, usable rooms, but unfortunately that means they don't get much face time.

Less Impressive Meryl Streep again references the olden days (1971), which she says was the last time she painted a graphic on a wall.

Bromstad appears and warns the designers that there is only ONE hour left, and Stanley's art project looks like a giant wiped his foot on the wall after attending a rave in the 80's. Seriously.

"The collage looks like something I made on a Sunday with my adopted nieces in my studio." - Stanley

Sooo…you're saying that's…bad, right? And why are you dragging your adopted nieces into this? Why do you have to mention the fact that they're adopted at all? Come on, Stan. Use your words better.

Bex uses a metaphor for thinking - "gears are turning" - which inspires her to create an art project in which she puts colorful gears on the wall...which was totally unscripted and happened exactly like that.

PREDICTIONS:

Worst: Yuki and Stanley's room. Seriously it's about 8 different shades of neon and even Stanley's adopted nieces wouldn't call that "art."

Best: Britany and Mikel's room. It has a white latticework pattern on a teal wall and I just like that.

Room that looks most like an unfortunate accident: Bex and Kris's room.

Back from commercial and [drumroll please] Daisy Fuentes is this week's guest judge because she has a line of clothing at Kohl's and I think hosts something!

Genevieve is wearing a schoolboy's sweater the color of Yuki's couch with an oxford shirt buttoned up to the top, and Vern is short as always.

Bromstad takes them through the rooms. (I'm really liking this whole lack of host thing…TANIKA, that was her name. She was the worst.)

Basically Vern wants to unsee everything in Yuki and Stanley's room and in an unexpected twist, and Genevieve actually LIKES Kris's "art project" with the tape and the matchstick. As expected, Hilari gets reamed for the whole tiny-tv thing, and the other rooms look pretty good.

The suspenseful music begins and we are officially in elimination territory.

Vern explains how it works (like every other reality show ever, guys) and Genevieve's eyebrows are frozen in a combination of anger and surprise.

Luca gets in trouble for not actually designing anything and begins his defense with, "A lot of the sole contributing I believe I did…"

It takes him about 5 minutes to say that he picked out the couches and then they like him again.

They tell Yuki and Stanley that their room sucks and again tell Hilari that her mini-TV was a total party foul.

Um, Bex has some sort of maroon silk beret perched on the side of her head that totally clashes with her orange hair. But it's quirky, you guys. So lay off her.

COMMERCIAL (and Glade tells us that buying their oil diffusers will get us more kisses and hugs)

We're back and by now I've concluded that Hilari is basically the melba toast of design. If melba toast were wearing a velour track suit.

Whilst the judges deliberate, we see all the contestants just lounging backstage and Luca declares that he feels like he's in detention, which is actually kind of accurate because this scene has somewhat of a breakfast-club vibe to it. Stanley throws us a curve ball and says that he's never really been in trouble before, which is ironic considering his metal necklace and tattoos, right? Which means we should totally not judge books by their cover. This show has layers.

JUDGMENT TIME:

Less Impressive Meryl Streep, Jordan, Mikel and Britany are all safe.

Rachel wins the great job award!

Danielle - safe.

Hilari (Angie) - safe. (YAY. I want her to go all the way.)

Luca - safe.

Kris - safe.

Bex - safe.

Stanley - safe because of his metal sculpture!

Which means unfortunately Yuki is the one going home. Closing statement: "I'm happy to go home to my great life." I wish she would have done a mic drop.

NEXT TIME…

It's the White Room Challenge! Things fall on Less Impressive Meryl Streep! Bromstad gives Aussie a pep talk! Angie thinks she should just go home! [NO!]

And…wait for it…VANILLA ICE is the guest judge! I can't wait to find out what he doesn't know about design.

Who's your favorite so far?

Disturbing Headline of the Day: Naked Man Chews Off Guy's Face

Again, the Disturbing Headline of the Day raises the bar of complete and utter outlandishness. Are you ready for this one?

Naked Man Chews Off Guy's Face

This is not part of an IMDB description of a Liam Neeson movie. No, no. This is real life.

(TIP: don't watch the video if you have a vivid imagination -- read: me --- or if you'd prefer not to be really bummed out for the guy who had to witness it and call the police. I'm regretting it right about now. Hence the lack of picture.)

What makes it even more disturbing is that we find out in the news story the Guy Whose Face Got Chewed Off was ALSO naked.

Let's just set aside the fact that this is not only disgusting but also really sad and strange, especially if you think about it too long. Let's just talk about the some of the questions and/or comments I have for Naked Man Who Chewed Off A Guy's Face, based on the headline alone (because we all know I have them).

First of all, gross.

Second of all, Naked Man, why did you have to be naked? I'd say your plan of attack would garner enough attention in and of itself without you having to shed your clothing to be noticed. And why did you attack another naked man? Did he just happen to be naked, or did you take his clothes first because you clearly misplaced yours? This begs the obvious follow-up question: is Miami secretly a nudist colony?

Third, at what point in your life did you conclude it was acceptable behavior to chew off another human being's face? That's just rude. I feel like this is among the most basic common courtesies you learn in kindergarden. Rule number one: share. Rule number two: don't eat someone's face. It's simple manners, guys.

Fourth, the Hunger Games are not a real thing. I don't know if this influenced your misguided decision or not, but I felt like it needed to be said.

Fifth, what did 2nd Naked Man ever do to you, First Naked Man? Y'know…besides…look appetizing, apparently? (I'm sorry. That was probably in bad taste. I'm having a hard time walking the line between pointing out this story's ridiculousness and simultaneously respecting its sadness.) I'm just saying, what level of hurtful behavior qualifies as worthy of this kind of revenge? No behavior, that's what. I think you need an attitude adjustment.

What questions do you have for Naked Man and/or the city of Miami?

The Paradox of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Let's talk about him for a minute. Is there any single celebrity who makes less sense as a human being? He's a walking contradiction, and yet he still manages to succeed. I'm intrigued. I want to know how he does it.

Let's take a look at the scorecard, shall we?

(With a little help from my good friend Wikipedia, of course. Fun facts, by the way: Wikipedia separates his entry into "The Rock" and "Dwayne Johnson" and gives them individual side bars. Also his credits under "Dwayne Johnson" are as follows: actor, wrestler and ---wait for it---philanthropist.)

1. Born with the name Dwayne. -1
2. Played college football. +2
3. Began his career as a successful professional wrestler and dubbed himself "The Rock." +1
4. Hosts SNL in 2000, launching his acting career. [spoiler alert: this is where it starts getting iffy.] +2
5. Appears in the Mummy movies. [neutral]
6. Cast as the lead in a Johnny Bravo film, but it is canceled during production [sad trombone]. -3
7. Appears in an episode of the Disney Channel's Corey in the House in an episode called "Never the Dwayne Shall Meet." -7
8. Plays supporting role [Agent 23] in Steve Carrell's Get Smart. +1 (I guess.)
9. Plays "The Rock Obama" on SNL. +3
10. Headlines the movie "The Tooth Fairy"…playing The Tooth Fairy. -8 billion
11. RETURNS TO WRESTLING and people still take him seriously. I just…I don't even know how to score that. -10 to wrestling, +10 to The Rock for pulling it off.

How do you play The Tooth Fairy, then turn around and be a wrestler again? Why did the other wrestlers not just beat him up on the spot, call him a pretty boy, take his lunch money and tell him to go home? What is this power he has over society that he is taken seriously in both acting AND wrestling? I want to know what he knows.

Maybe Dwayne The Rock Johnson has figured out the secret to success. Maybe he has all the answers, guys. Or maybe he's secretly a wizard and casts spells on people so that they will just let him keep doing stuff. Maybe all the executives have all been put under the imperious curse! Oh no…Dwayne The Rock Johnson is a death eater!

Wait…wait…no. That's not real. That's just Harry Potter again. Sorry guys. Sometimes I forget what's real and what's Harry Potter.

Anyway.

All that to say, Dwayne, I don't know what your angle is or how you are managing this dual persona, but I salute you. I won't watch your movies and I don't like wrestling, but I salute you.

Who's your favorite athlete-turned-actor? I call Michael Jordan in Space Jam. (SNL counts as acting.)

Top 5 Disney Channel Original Movies

First I'd just like to lay my cards on the table and say that I know it's possible this post could fall on deaf ears. We don't usually talk about stuff like this on TVA. I know it's not cool. And I know it's entirely possible that I may be the only one who relates. But I'm willing to take that risk in the hopes that I'm not.

Worst case scenario, everyone thinks I'm lame and I'll have to backpedal and say it was all a joke and I actually watch Downton Abbey exclusively. Best case scenario, I provide a safe haven for others like me and prove that we're not alone. This is an asylum anyway, is it not?

So here it is: I regularly watch shows intended for 12-year-olds. Disney Channel and Nickelodeon see more action than I'd care to admit in my house. Though lately, my aversion to change combined with the fact that they keep canceling my favorites (ahem, iCarly) and starting over with child actors who look like they crawled out of preschool and straight into the spotlight has seriously cut down on my roster.

ANYWAY. Due to this fact, I've also seen my fair share of Disney Channel Original Movies in my day.

In the name of strolling down memory lane (and getting things off my chest) I thought I'd present you with some of the best:

+ Motocrossed (2001)

Even though the main character in this movie (the girl) was the worst ever and had a chin dimple that would put Ben Affleck to shame, the middle school me thought the two leading men more than made up for her awkwardness. In case you were cooler than me and have never seen this, it tells the story of a family of motocross racers in which the oldest son gets injured and can no longer compete.

His twin sister decides to masquerade as a boy and compete in his place. Awkward moments ensue as she develops a crush on her competition, who is apparently terrible at gender recognition and is totally convinced she is actually her brother. Hoodwinks, pretty boys, heartwarming family moments...what more could you ask for?

+ High School Musical (preferably Vol. 3, but that came out in theaters) (2006-2008)

This movie ushered in a new era in which it could be considered moderately cool to sing. Nearly every TV show and movie Disney Channel has produced since then has included the main characters singing in some form or fashion. It also brought us Zac Efron (the best) and Vanessa Hudgens (the worst). How could one couple possibly have such disparate levels of awesomeness? Anyway. Basically I just love musicals and Zac Efron so this is easily in my top 5.

+ Smart House (1999)

Essentially this movie is a commentary on modern society in which our bent on technology will eventually be our undoing. Very Fahrenheit 451. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into it and it's about a house that does everything for this family and then goes on a power trip and tries to take over their lives. That's basically the same, though.

OH MY GOSH, you guys. In Wikipedia-ing this movie to find the release year, I found this GEM of information: this movie was directed by none other than the legendary LEVAR BURTON. I will let that statement stand in its awesome glory and not tarnish it by adding anything to it. I also found out that this movie is supposedly based on a short story by Ray Bradbury. So I was totally close on my analysis.

+ Even Stevens Movie (2003)

I'm just going to go ahead and say I have a deep love for Even Stevens. I'm not even remotely ashamed of that. It was and continues to be great. The plot of the movie was that the family went on what they thought was a vacation to a deserted island but actually was a reality show (a la Survivor) and all their friends back home were watching.

The producer of the show (played by Tim Meadows, guys) basically goes all Hunger Games (or Truman Show?) on them and manipulates all the external factors to test their patience and make good TV. Also Dave Coulier makes an appearance. It's funny, touching and everything Even Stevens should be.

+ Wish Upon A Star (1996)

First and foremost, it has to be mentioned that Katherine Heigl starred in this movie. Katherine Heigl. Basically it's a story of the-grass-is-always-greener in which two sisters secretly wish to be each other simultaneously, and it works. Then they have to live life as each other until they learn to love themselves or something like that.

It's very Freaky Friday. But it has Katherine Heigl in it. And the sister is totally the rebellious girl with the knife-pen (Harley's sister) that Corey tries to date in Boy Meets World. It's 90's fabulous in every way, right down to Katherine's tiny patent leather backpack.

What's your favorite DCOM? (Or...how 'bout that MacGonagall in Downton Abbey? She's pretty mean, right?)

I'm the rebel.

Could we with ink the ocean fill,

And were the skies of parchment made,

Were every stalk on earth a quill,

And every man a scribe by trade;

To write the love of God above

Would drain the ocean dry;

Nor could the scroll contain the whole,

Though stretched from sky to sky.

To understand the concept expressed in this hymn is to understand the depths of our own depravity. To speak this way of God's love requires us to understand the extent of love it would have taken to reconcile us to him, because of how far away we stood.

I want to think of God's love in such a way.

I don't, though. Because honestly, I think I'm generally pretty lovable.

What's not to love? I'm a nice person. I do my best. I don't do any of the really bad sins. I'm the stereotypical "good girl."

I play myself as the innocent victim so often. I give him the puppy dog eyes: but...all things considered...I'm doing pretty okay, right God?

But I'm not the victim. I'm the rebel. In every way.

If nothing else, I fail to see God for the majesty of who he is, and I have an extremely inflated view of my own importance and desires. That in itself is an abomination. My belittling of the most high God, the Almighty King of the universe. I make him small in my mind. I ignore him, and I care far more about my image than about his glory. I care far more about temporal things than about the eternal.

I even dare to doubt the eternal. I see only what is directly in front of my face. Because at least I know for sure this is real.

I'd rather take a world of pain and suffering than hope in a heaven that might not exist.

What is wrong with me? I have such little faith. Sometimes it's embarrassing, to be honest.

YET...

he loves us so greatly and so perfectly. It's humbling. I can't look him in the eye. All I can do is collapse onto him with my head towards the ground and weep. Just like the prodigal. God is far better than anything I could wish to deserve.

I love the sheer magnitude of God in this hymn. That we as mere human beings can never fully attest to the greatness of God and his love towards us. I'm reminded of this verse that fills me with wonder every time I read it:

Now there are also many other things that Jesus did. Were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written. [John 21:25]

We spit in his face continually, yet he waits for us to turn around. Even now, he waits for you. You personally. Not some general "you" in the sense that he wants us all. He waits for you.

It's unexplainable--unfathomable-- this love of God--as the hymn describes. It makes no sense whatsoever. Why does he love us? Why? There is no logical reason why he should love us.

I'm not really sure why he does.

I suppose simply because we are his.

I am forever inexpressibly grateful.

Snap Judgment: Fox's The Choice

Oh, Fox. Poor, sweet Fox.

I know Idol has started to gain speed as it tumbles downhill, tangled in Steven Tyler's feather hair extensions, but we thought the fact that New Girl is fantastic would be enough for you. But no. You had to push it one too far. You're starting to seem a bit desperate. You know what I'm talking about, don't you? Let's just talk about it and get it all out.

Introducing: "The Choice."

Oh yes. They went there.

Don't worry, it's nothing like The Voice except it's exactly the same in almost every way. Four celebrity judges. Spinning chairs. Lots of choosing and rejecting going on. But with romance.

Is this or is this not the worst idea of all time?

Here are some reasons why it most definitely is:

1. It's an in-studio dating show, and the year is 2012. What focus groups did they use to determine the demand for this thing? People perpetually suspended in MTV in 1996?

2. They had the gall to try to play off its entire premise as a coincidence:

Of course, The Choice has more in common with The Voice than just chairs — like that title, for instance? “The Choice seems like an obvious title because you have to make a choice,” Darnell says, then playfully adds: “I’m just now realizing it rhymes!"

Really, Liar McPantsonfire? Really? You are JUST now realizing it rhymes with "The Voice?" If you're going to create a D-List knock off of a popular show on another network, at least go big or go home. Own up to it. Don't act like Vanilla Ice explaining the difference between "Ice Ice Baby" and "Under Pressure."

No one thinks you're clever here. Especially since your justification for the name was essentially: "uh, you have to make a choice…so we called it the choice." UGH. I want to punch you in the face.

3. The button on the spinning chairs has been replaced with a lever and dubbed a "love handle." A LOVE HANDLE. The creative team deserves to be fired immediately.

This is the laziest nonsense I've ever seen. Can we just go ahead and veto this show before it even happens?

Fox: embrace the concept of "quit while you're ahead" and just fill the time with New Girl reruns instead. Like anyone would even be mad.

Would you watch this show?

A Picture is Worth 1000 Words: Nicki Minaj's Eyeballs

This is the 2nd installation of the "Picture is Worth 1000 Words" series, which I just invented because this is the 2nd one I've posted. Here's the first. 

Sorry for assaulting your eyes with this image, but it had to be done. We have to talk about this. And by "talk about it," I mean describe what could possibly be happening in this picture. Besides "advertising Pepsi." Because that's what she actually IS doing. I know, I don't get it either. I don't pretend to understand the executives at Pepsi. If they made any sense whatsoever, they would have given up a long time ago when they realized Coke is and forever will be superior, and no amount of sparkles or pink hair will distract us enough to change that.

ANYWAY. Here are my guesses as to what is happening in this photo:

1. Nicki Minaj is making eye contact with a baby and over-acting the enthusiasm.
2. Nicki Minaj is trying to hypnotize us.
3. Despite her mother's warnings, Nicki Minaj kept making this face and inevitably her eyes did, indeed, get stuck that way.
4. This is actually a statue of Nicki Minaj in Madam Tousseau's wax museum.
5. Nicki Minaj just found out she lost everything in the stock market right before going on stage and is doing a terrible job of leaving it at the door.
6. Nicki Minaj is conducting a science experiment to see if she can actually will her eyeballs to pop out of her skull on command as part of her act.
7. Nicki Minaj just caught her boyfriend in the crowd making out with a waitress and is trying not to break character.
8. The corset top Nicki Minaj is wearing is squeezing her torso so tightly that it is making her eyes bulge, not unlike one of those orangey-yellow rubber squeeze toy creatures with the red ears you'd find on the shelves at the Cracker Barrel store.
9. Her eyelashes got stuck to her face.
10. Nicki Minaj just sat on the business end of a giant stiletto being used as a stage prop.

Your turn. What do YOU think is happening in this picture?

An Adventure in High Society: Steeplechase 2012 Recap

On Saturday, I hob-nobbed with the elite. I brushed shoulders with the fabulous. Where, you ask? STEEPLECHASE, sucka. (I think my use of that phrase automatically negates my first paragraph.)

Thanks to some generous friends of ours and the husband of whom's even more generous boss (please don't make me try to figure out the correct grammar for my previous phrase), we got to traipse off to The Races...fo' free.

For those of you who did not have the pleasure of experiencing this cultured affair, I thought I would recap it for you.

I know, I know. What can I say? I give the people what they want.

Steeplechase 2k12: THE RECAP

We open to a scene teeming with people dressed in brightly colored dresses, bow ties and seersucker, backdropped by light grey skies. It pretty much just looks like tailgating at any given SEC school at this point. Only with more hats.

After parking inside the track (that's what hob-nobbers get to do, by the way), we made our way up to the hill where it seemed the VIPs were sitting. We inferred this based on the fact that there were giant white tents, and we figured "box seat" might equal "tent" at Steeplechase. That's about all we were going on.

Hiking up a hill in rain boots and a hat that obscures my vision was harder than I thought it would be, but no matter, we were officially IN. The upper-crust. The other half. We'd made it.

After we'd made it, we had no idea where to go next.

We explained this to the usher, who was clearly unamused that we had obviously never done this before and (I assume) tried very hard not to roll his eyes whilst telling us our box number was on our wristbands. Our wristbands, which we had been required to wear in order to get into the Hob-Nob Section. Our wristbands in which the box number was covered up by the sticky part of the bracelet, making it impossible to see. Our wristbands which he then said he did "not advise" taking off.

Sigh. It's hard being a first time hob-nobber.

(By the way, if you want to play a drinking game corresponding with how many times I say "hob-nob" in this post, I'd say now would be the time to start. When else am I going to get to use this word?)

After a pained struggle with Craig's bracelet to determine our booth number and the aforementioned exasperated usher directing us, we were finally in our box.

Boxes, we found out, are not boxes at all but actually rectangular grass spaces marked off with metal guardrails in which eight wooden folding chairs are placed. But they are arranged like stadium seating and we had a great view of both horses and outrageous hats, so it was a win.

I seriously considered leaning over to one of our fellow hob-nobbers and saying, "so whe-ahr does every-wahn summah?" like Phoebe when she visits Mike's parents, but I refrained. But it was pretty much like that.

Then we basically got to live the real-life version of Mary Poppins when she goes inside the chalk drawing. We heard the trumpet before each race. There was a british MC whose name I assume was Walter. Oh, and then there was this:

OH YES. YES, THAT IS A ROSE-HAT... AND/OR TOWEL. She was in the hat competition but didn't win. What a sad thing to go out and buy that monstrosity just for this occasion, enter a contest, stand in front of everyone, but still not get any glory at the one place people reward that sort of thing. Wah-wahhhh.

Back to the races.

The four of us had a point system going and picked horses for each race.

It was noted several times that never in our lives had we gone from not caring at all, to super-invested, to super-disappointed so quickly.

Pictured above: I unknowingly picked a horse with a Backstreet Boy for a jockey (naturally), but he did me no good. I lost. GET IT TOGETHER, NICK. It's like you'd never ridden a horse to win thousands of dollars before or something.

RACE RECAP:

RACE 1 Winner: Bluegrass Summer [A.K.A. the one with the least-interesting name] My Pick: Memorial Maniac. Way better name.

RACE 2 Winner: Lake Placid [Trend: Least-Interesting Names win. Probably because they spend less time picking names and more time learning how to win races.] My Pick: Snow Blizzard. This was Nick Carter's horse, and he got DEAD LAST. Awesome Name Alert: Humdinger

RACE 3 Winner: Parker's Project [Keeps with the trend.] My Pick: Via Galilei. This time I had a strategy. I picked a horse with the same owner as the one who won last year. Plus I thought that name was pretty. I still didn't win. Awesome Name Alert: Spy in the Sky

RACE 4 Winner: Quiet Flaine. I picked this horse! Mostly because I thought his name was Quiet Flame and kept him anyway when I realized it wasn't. Score 1 for breaking the trend. Worth noting: The chosen favorite, Sweet Shani (who Craig picked), didn't even finish the race. Seriously. Just gave up and started walking. You're never going to win with that attitude, Shani girl.

RACE 5 Winner: Virsito. None of us picked this horse. My Pick: Roddickton. I was going to pick En Fuego because of his awesome name, but then I found out he was gray instead of brown and I ditched him. Yep, I judged him right then and there. But you know what? En Fuego ended up not being good. Roddickton was in 1st place for about 3/4 of the race and ended up in 6th. Really, Roddickton? Really? I was severely disappointed. Awesome Name Alert: Mr. Universo

Then we left.

All in all, I'd say it was a success. We wore hats (thanks to my friend Taylor), bright colors and seersucker so we totally fit in and no one was the wiser that we brought Kroger brand pretzels.

Note: We found out later the winning horse died of an aneurism, which I was shocked and devastated to hear. But of course, we missed it, so if you were hoping to hear about that...sorry.

Have you ever been to Steeplechase (or a similarly high-class event)?

NBC, Why Are You Like This?

[Exasperated sigh]

NBC.

[Dramatic temple-rub with eyes closed]

I don't even know where to start.

First, you put Community on hiatus, which was a terrible decision in itself. Then, we rally together in an inspirational protest to defend its honor and you decide to bring it back. THEN you only sign it AND 30 Rock AND Parks and Rec for a measly 13-episodes and end them altogether?

EDIT: Between the writing and publishing of this post, it has come to my attention that "no decision has been made" about canceling these shows...but let's be honest, it doesn't look good.

What is wrong with you? Are you on drugs? Seriously. Are you? Drugs affect your ability to make sound decisions, and you are not making sound decisions ergo, DRUGS.

You literally slashed my weekly shows down by approximately 50 percent. No more Liz Lemon. No more Ron Swanson. No more Troy and Abed. What are you doing to us? What am I supposed to watch now? What else is even on NBC besides The Voice?

And if any Thursday night show needs to get a shortened final season, it's The Office. Hands down. That show is a mere shell of what it once was. And yet that unstable mess gets its full 22-episodes.

You are alienating your only loyal fan base, here. The only ones who didn't think you were the worst network on television. And now, guess what? You are. You really, really are.

I cannot believe your replacement shows feature Matthew Perry and Anne Heche. I just…I don't even know how to respond to that. I mean, I love Chandler and everything, but man. That is just bleak.

UGH. I feel like I'm disciplining a dog, here. NO. BAD NBC. BAD. GO SIT IN THE CORNER AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

Who is in charge of these decisions? The same guy that kicked Conan out? It's that guy, isn't it? I hate that guy. He sucks the joy out of everything. The odds are about 100 percent that he wears a monocle and has a maniacal laugh.

I'm just disappointed in you, NBC, that's all. I just didn't know ratings were all that mattered to you. I didn't know you cared more about the opinion of the majority (who, by the way, sees Two and a Half Men as quality television) than making great comedy and respecting fan loyalty. That's right. I'm guilt-tripping you. Because you deserve it. So whatever, I thought you were above that, but you're not. It's fine. See if we care. See if we ever come back.

Except, y'know, when SNL is on. Because it's an institution. And Will Ferrell hosted this weekend. But other than that: never coming back.

EDIT NUMBER TWO: I have also just been informed that NBC has officially cancelled The Sing-Off, which takes my hatred towards them to a whole new level. A level which makes me want to barge into their offices and start turning over desks. Don't mess with my acapella competitions.

What show would you fight the most violently to keep?

Top Three Headlines Featuring Backstreet Boy Members

You know how lately you've been sitting on your tufted window seat day after day, peering through the rain-streaked window while you hold a warm cup of coffee in both hands and ponder to yourself, "what have the Backstreet Boys been up to these last few months?" Well, ponder no more, because I have come with the answers you seek.

Now that the dust has settled on that whole misguided NKOTBSB debacle, three primary bits of news have surfaced:

1. A.J. and his wife are having a baby! Never mind what kind of questions his son will ask when he sees the pictures of his father in the late 90's (or even 2012, as evidenced by the fact that he is still keeping the whole guy-liner dream alive). This is still a joyous occasion. Babies are cute. I'll go ahead and be honest, this is the most legitimate news I've got for you. It kind of just goes downhill from here. But no matter, I'll carry on.

2. Kevin is BACK! Oh, you didn't know he left? Well, he did. And he's BACK. I guess grown-up life after BSB wasn't working out for him. [SIDE NOTE: when are they going to change their name to Backstreet Men? I think when your oldest member is 40, you need to reevaluate.]

Can we just talk about the picture that went with this article for a second?

Look at Nick. Just look at him. He's wearing a bow tie (duh, because he's the fun-loving quirky one) and shooting a douchey look at the camera. Ugh. I used to love you, Nick Carter. What have you become? You're letting an entire generation down.

Brian is clearly giving Nick the Stink-eye Stare-down, like if he brought his 15-year-old brother to a cool college party and had to keep elbowing him and saying, "DUDE. BE COOL." Which is totally what I think he's muttering in this picture.

A.J. looks unmistakably uncomfortable in a suit, despite the ironic tank top he's wearing under it. He looks like he's trying to stay perfectly still so he doesn't mess it up. Or maybe he's hoping no one sees him.

And Howie...well, Howie looks like he knows something we don't know. Actually, he could be the mastermind behind this whole thing. We'd never even know or care because it's commonly accepted that Howie is irrefutably the #5 ranking in BSB at any given moment---even without Kevin. They just keep that #4 spot empty to ensure the appropriate amount of space between Howie and the other three.

Okay, back to the news.

3. Nick is making terrible cameos on terrible T.V. shows! Apparently Nick fancies himself an actor and is trying to get back into it (you read that correctly) after "touring like crazy" (see aforementioned NKOTBSB lapse in judgment). All he could get was a cameo in the currently-on-the-air version of 90210. And he's not even believable as himself, guys. Nick: If you can't be yourself on camera, how do you expect to be someone else? I suggest pulling a J.C. and going to judge a dance competition with Lil Mama. At least then you'd have to act like you knew something about dance. Which is kind of the same, right?

I have no idea what Brian is up to lately. Probably questioning his life choices. And Howie is apparently just laying low, riding on the coattails of his former success and the charisma of his bandmates. He probably decided to invest in his 401K when he was 22 and is now just sitting back and watching the cash roll in. You go, Howie D.

Who is your favorite Backstreet Man? Or, if you yourself are a man, the one you find least terrible? (Note: *Nsync members do not count as an appropriate answer in any way, shape or form. If you try to pull that, I will have to ask you to leave and come back to me later today with a 1000-word essay on why "I Want It That Way" is the best pop song of all time.)

I'll go first:

Mine's a toss-up between Nick and A.J. Despite Nick's lack of acting skills, he will always hold a special place in my heart. And my 11-year-old self would have none of it if I said otherwise. But there's just something about A.J.'s raspy runs on every BSB song ever recorded that I kind of like the best out of all the unnecessary runs in the land. Besides Beyonce. She owns unnecessary runs. But I digress.

IT'S HERE: My New eBook Manifesto

Today is a special day. Why, you ask? Because today is the day I am publishing my very first e-book! (Ooo...ahhh...) Note: By “publishing” I mean crafting it entirely by myself and giving it away to anyone who will read it.

I’m really excited (and admittedly slightly nervous) to finally show you what I’ve been working on since January. This here is five months in the making, guys. Even though it's only 27 pages. And some of those pages have less than ten words on them. But I worked hard on it and I can’t wait to hear what you think.

One of my goals for 2012 was to publish an e-book, and this is my way of accomplishing that. A lot of bloggers and writers I respect have written manifestos--statements of belief and calls to action. Essentially, anything they think is missing in the world. [Check out these by Jeff Goins and Michael Perkins to see what I mean.]

In keeping with that vein, I came up with this idea. It’s a topic I’ve thought about a lot throughout my later years of college and on, and I hope something in it resonates with you.

Anyway, on to the downloading...

The book is absolutely free! All you have to do is subscribe to my e-mail list (either click the previous link or subscribe on the sidebar). It takes about five seconds. Once you do, you’ll receive an e-mail to confirm your subscription (please do :) ) which will also include the link to download the PDF.

Hope you enjoy!

Please feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments. I’d love to know your reaction. Y’know, unless it made you want to throw rocks at me or you think it’s the worst thing ever written. Then you can keep that to yourself.

The Best and Worst Things Japan Has Going For It Right Now

THE WORST: The Saddest Invention Ever [article here] The Situation: A Japanese roboticist invented what is essentially a moshi pillow shaped to resemble a human form, in which you can place your cell phone and it will vibrate like a heartbeat while you talk to your loved ones to "enhance your experience" and help you feel better that you're alone. I guess.

Japan. Japan. What are you doing?

I'm sure you had the best of intentions when you started this project: comfort those who are away from their loved ones. Make them feel closer to their family when they speak with them on the phone. Sure. No one's against that.

But…look at you guys. This is just depressing. No self-respecting adult would ever use this product.

I just want to give these people a real hug so they don't have to hug a ghost-shaped pillow with a phone stuck in its head.

I like how the researchers say that the seniors in test groups all hugged the pillow when using it. Like that's an indicator of success. Like anyone could hold that thing any other way. It forces you to hug it. There is literally no where else to comfortably put your hands except around its waist. It forces its sadness upon you.

If you feel like you need to hug a pillow, just hug a pillow, okay? You will be judged far less harshly for hugging a regular pillow than a neon one with an expressionless face, stumpy arms and a mechanical heartbeat.

Is this getting creepier the more I talk about it? I think it is. Let's move on.

THE BEST: Bunny Cafes [video here]

Situation: Japan apparently has cafes in which bunnies just hop around all willy-nilly so you can just scoop one up at your leisure and snuggle it during your lunch break. From what I gather, this is because no one has room for pets in their small Japanese apartments and this makes them feel better about it. (Apparently some of Japan's biggest markets are happiness and snuggles.)

Japan: Now you're speaking my language. High five on redirecting your unconventional fixation on cuddling things into something that's actually useful and cute instead of creepy.

I maintain that I would feel better about life if I got to snuggle a bunny during lunch every day. Wouldn't you?

Never mind all the health code violations this practice would surely incur in the United States. I say throw caution to the wind and let everyone hold a bunny while they eat.

It's got to be like Oprah's favorite things in there. You get a bunny! And you get a bunny! Everyone gets a bunny!

Maybe the people who are having to use the creepy ghost-cushions would feel less sad if they got to hold a bunny every once and a while.

MAYBE these two concepts should just join forces and combat long-distance sadness with bunny love instead of an "overgrown fetus" (an actual term describing that pillow in the article I read).

It could be like a cyber cafe…only with bunnies instead of outdated computers. You could talk on the phone to your boyfriend in Guam and pet a bunny at the same time to make you feel better about the fact that he's in Guam. Genius.

Who do I need to call to make that happen? This one's not even a health code violation. I'm going to be rich.

What other situations do you think bunnies would improve?

I'll go first: DMV's (as long as there were strict rules to prevent the bunnies from being harmed in moments of frustration), any time you try to print something wirelessly, and traffic jams (maybe a traveling bunny cart? I'm just spitballing here).

The Evolution of Awesome Nature Shows

Remember when you walked into 8th grade Biology and saw the TV on the cart and thought, "SCORE, this means I get 50 minutes of nap goodness!"?

Remember when those videos were just clips of cuttlefish "cuddling" while an old guy with suede elbow patches sitting in front of shelves filled with leather-bound books blabbed on about their scientific name and when they were discovered?

Rejoice, 90's children. THOSE DAYS ARE GONE.

Because for the first time ever, nature shows are awesome. Planet Earth, Life, Frozen Planet...basically anything made by the BBC. And don't try to tell me that anything else remotely competes. Disney Nature? Come on. (And generally speaking, I love all things Disney.) Even the Planet Earth version with Sigourney Weaver narrating does not measure up. David Attenborough wipes the floor with that redheaded giant.

Here are some reasons why I believe nature shows are better than ever before:

1) They ditched the interviews.

What? But your "expert" won three Nobel prizes? That's adorable. Now we have ALEC BALDWIN. Jack Donaghy taught me about narwhals the other day. No amount of 80's haircuts or bowties (ironic or otherwise) can beat that. Celebrity voiceovers for the win. (This could get dicey if we ever let the wrong people be in charge of picking the voiceover talent. But I trust the BBC. British people are smart. They won't let me down...right?)

2) High definition.

I think this was the boost nature shows needed for them to soar into awesomeness. Brilliant colors. Details. Nature's not so amazing when it's pixelated. Or when it has one of those static lines running across it every five minutes. (Remember "tracking?")

3) Time-lapse magic.

Proof that slow and steady wins the race. I think they filmed Planet Earth over the course of about 5 years. Guys sat in little camouflage lean-to's for days at a time to catch a glimpse of a bird decorating his home for the ladies. They left cameras in the same exact place for months so that we could watch a creepy fungus grow straight through an ant's head in a matter of seconds. That kind of dedication pays off.

4) Fun animal names.

Nature videos used to only cover animals you'd at least heard of. Whales. A starfish or two. Cheetahs. But now, due to the vast array of "never before captured on film" moments BBC has managed to get (see aforementioned dedication and lean-tos), we have the opportunity to discover lots of new animals with fun names. Wooly Bear Caterpillars and Snot-Nosed Monkeys are my favorite so far. (I think that is actually supposed to be "Snub-Nosed," but Attenborough has an accent and I choose to believe he's saying "snot.")

5) They have harnessed our short attention-spans.

I think they accomplish this by moving around the globe every 10 minutes or so and not focusing too long on one animal at a time. That was probably the mistake the old videos made (among many). No one wants to watch giraffes eat leaves for 30 minutes. We want to watch a Wooly Bear Caterpillar speed-wrap a cocoon in 15 seconds. We want to watch an African elephant save her baby from the mud and then hop on over to South Asia to see a monkey crack a nut with a rock. BBC gets this about us. Apparently the UK understands us better than we understand ourselves.

What's your favorite animal you've seen on a nature show? (Don't act like you never watch them.)

Five Reasons 3-D Makes Me Hate My Life for 2 Hours

I've already alluded to the fact that I am a late-adopter. I may also be a party pooper. Am I both? That's for you to decide, based on this fact:

I hate 3-D movies.

I hate that it's all the rage and may never go away. I hate that they're trying to phase out 2-D and the rest of us who like the old-fashioned motion pictures by giving us only three show times to choose from in order to see it in 2-D. But do you hear me, movie theaters? I will do it anyway. I will choose the 2-D option until you are only offering one showing at 12:05 p.m. on a Tuesday. I will never surrender.

I just don't see the point.Why are we going through so much trouble to recreate what we see every other second of the day? I see in 3D ALL THE TIME, guys. ALL the time. Do I really need to view animation in 3D? Is 2D just not good enough for me anymore? How many D's do I need to enjoy the Lorax? Who do I think I am?

Sigh. So here some of the reasons why I hate 3-D:

1. You have to wear glasses. On your face. While you're watching a movie. Or else you just can't watch it. GLASSES WEARERS, I ask you: what are you supposed to do? I can only imagine you have to choose between wearing two pairs of glasses on top of one another like a goon and not be able to see anything at all (either due to the lack of real glasses or lack of 3-D glasses). You can't win.
2. The images never QUITE come into focus for me. I think my eyes just get overloaded trying to make the images line up through magic sunglasses while simultaneously keeping up with the action on the screen. It's exhausting. Especially in live action movies. And I'm always AWARE that I'm still wearing the glasses. I never just forget I'm wearing flimsy third-rate Ray-Bans digging into the side of my head. How am I supposed to become invested in Lucy and Edmund's adventure on the Dawn Treader in a series of swashbuckling encounters when it's taking all I have just to focus on them as they dash across the screen?
3. Gimmick shots. For the most part, I feel like filmmakers have toned these down. But every time they make it seem like the audience is peering out from behind the rungs of a ladder or a bird flies by my face, I know they did it solely because the movie is in 3-D. It feels really awkward and forced--like they're saying "hey! Look! In case you didn't notice, those glasses you're all wearing enable you to perceive depth! Isn't it AMAZING? It's like it's COMING RIGHT AT YOU! It's like you're IN the movie!" Ugh.
4. You have to pay more. It takes a lot for me to justify the regular price of movies, let alone 3D. Thirteen dollars to cross my eyes for two hours while I try to distinguish shapes on a giant screen? No thanks.
5. It's quite possible I'm just a (lovable) curmudgeon like Liz Lemon.

I propose we ban it before it goes further. Just put a stop to it right now. I don't want it to reach the point where I have to pay $20 per ticket to be in a virtual reality simulator while I watch the next pixar movie. I just want regular D. Good ol' fashion flat entertainment. Is that too much to ask?

My ONLY exception to this rule is Disney re-releases. Because I will go see Lion King or Beauty & the Beast in theaters in any capacity. Worth it.

The thing about any other movie in 3D is that we don't know if it's going to be worth A) the extra money or B) wearing the aforementioned nerd goggles.

With Beauty and the Beast, there's no question. I'd watch that movie on a big screen any day, even if it was in 4-D and we had to endure the wet-dog smell of the Beast in the scene when it's raining and he's fighting Gaston on the castle roof. Because it's Beauty and the Beast. But the Squeakuel? I'm just not so sure.

You decide: Am I just a party pooper who hates everything fun? Or are you with me on this? Follow-up question: Do you like a movie any less just because you don't feel your heart in your throat when soaring above the city in the opening credits?

Is James Marsden 30 Rock Material?

James. James Marsden. Pull up a chair.

Enough time has passed where I feel like I can give you a fair assessment of your presence on 30 Rock. And I must say, I'm not entirely convinced.

I liked you in Hairspray. You make a pretty good Cyclops. And what girl didn't love 27 Dresses?

But are you quirky enough to live in the world of 30 Rock? I'm just not so sure. Look at the other people Liz Lemon has dated: Carol, a delusional people-hating pilot, Wesley, an obnoxious British guy she couldn't stand, Jon Hamm (whose character name I can't remember), the dumb yet handsome guy who lived in a metaphorical bubble, Dennis Duffey, the worst ever...and you just waltz in with your nice-guy slacker routine and your second-rate ((The standard is obviously Jack. After all, he has the piercing blue eyes of a Siberian Husky. Or a winter crystal.)) blue eyes and expect us to get on board?

I mean, you're nice enough, but where's your tragic flaw? Where are your hook hands? Where's your balloon boy reenactment?

I know, I know. None of those crazies worked out for ol' Liz Lemon. But come on, give us SOMETHING.

Plus I think you're a little too good-looking to be believable as Liz's boyfriend. Let's just be real. I mean, Tina Fey is pretty in real life. I'm not denying that. But they make so much over Liz looking sloppy and nerdy that they can't just throw in the same guy who played the prince in Enchanted as a feasible long-term option for her. (Jon Hamm of course was handsome, but in an ironic way. And he more than made up for it with his nonsense.) Also you also look significantly too young for Liz. You just do. IMDB says you're only 3 years younger, but somehow you've managed to stay perpetually 28. (Congrats on that, by the way.)

Your relationship makes very little sense and I'm still having trouble suspending my disbelief.

This is Liz Lemon we're talking about. We won't sit idly by as she dates a normal. I think this is that part of the show where the thing the main character has been longing for has to resolve and it's all wah-wah sad trombone (see: life after Jim and Pam get married), but I hate that part of the show. And I think 30 Rock is better than that. There's got to be a better way.

At least Liz is back to her pessimistic, sweatshirt-wearing self now. For the first few episodes, I was worried your presence had transformed Liz Lemon entirely into a boring happy person. Now that she's grumpy at work again I'll let you slide there.

James, I know you're new to 30 Rock. It's hard to measure up to that amount of quirk. But it CAN be done. Avery is one of my favorite characters on the entire series, and she was an add-in. Measure up to Liz's crazy like Avery measures up to Jack's. That's all I'm asking. I can't wait for Avery to come back and say more awesome things like "Ugh, is there gay juice in the champagne?"

Speaking of, where are your memorable quotes, James Marsden? ((I realize this is entirely up to the writers, but this letter is written under the inaccurate assumption that you are 100% responsible for this character.)) I can't quote a single one of your lines since you've been on the show. And that's saying something, because I quote 30 Rock almost daily.

I like you fine. I mean, I would never be tempted to punch you in the face or make you listen to Kenneth read a script out loud. But I also probably wouldn't notice if you just didn't show up the next 10 episodes (Danny, anyone?).

I don't like being wishy-washy about characters. Give me a reason to love you or a reason to hate you. That's all I'm saying. Or else we're revisiting Astronaut Mike Dexter.

Books I'm Gushing Over: "Every Bush Is Burning"

I don't usually do book reviews, usually because I'm too busy talking about groundbreaking topics like babyonce and mustache parties. But I read a book this week that I had to tell you about. It's called "Every Bush Is Burning," by Brandon Clements.

I heard about it through Knox McCoy's Awesometown interview. I had some time to kill last week and remembered there was a free excerpt available. Since most people in Awesometown are in fact awesome, I decided to check it out.

And guys. I could not stop reading it.

When I finished reading the excerpt and found out the Kindle version was only $.99 (score 1 for the poor married person), I bought it immediately. It was literally the next thing I did. And I finished it in about four days. Which is fast for me. (Don't hate.)

Sometimes I come across a book or a blog post that I almost see my own heart in. The kind of writing I absolutely love but am simultaneously totally jealous of because I wish I'd written it. This is one of those times.

Here is the description from the book's website, to give you a quick synopsis before I tell you what I loved about it:

It’s about a rough-around-the-edges guy named Jack whose life is falling apart and who, despite having awful experiences with Christianity, makes an unlikely friendship with a crazy homeless guy who claims to be Jesus. It’s a story about forgiveness, satisfaction, and the sometimes tragically painful sins of the church.

Reasons I will gush to you about how great it is:

1) First and foremost, its honesty. For me, in a world full of masks and perfectly polished shoes, anything or anyone genuine stands out. This book isn't pretty. It's not tied up in a nice, neat bow. It's a little jagged, a little off-center---much like its main character---but it has heart. It's brave. It's intended to spark conversation, not give you all the answers. It doesn't really resolve (I had a feeling it wouldn't)--but sometimes life doesn't resolve.

Even though it's fiction, it feels real--because it is real. It's life. It's full of mistakes and pain, but also joy and laughter and Taking Back Sunday references (which made the emo highschooler in me happy). Even though the details may not have actually happened, the emotions, the story, the people--they're all real in their own way. And you can sense it. I'm willing to bet you will see some of your own experience reflected in it.

2) It's a compelling story. I'm a sucker for a good story, and this one definitely fits the bill. You almost immediately get a sense of Jack's character and become invested in him (even if you hate him--which you probably will at first). There's a sense of urgency and suspense throughout the whole book that compels you to keep going, chapter after chapter. It was hard to tear away from. It's relatable, but still unpredictable.

3) It is creative. The framework of this book is unique. The entire book is written from the perspective of the main character writing a letter to another person--someone he doesn't know, sitting near him in a coffee shop. It's conversational, and you can sense kindness in his voice as he writes. He uses flash backs within his story and jerks you back to the present (where he is actually writing the letter), but it's never confusing.

4) On a personal-preference note, it dealt with traumatic issues in a manner that evoked emotion, but it wasn't so graphic I couldn't handle it. I can't watch or read scenes that are super graphic--it will stay etched on my brain for weeks and chances are I will have nightmares. Not kidding. I can't help what I dream, ok? I have an active imagination. (It's a blessing and a curse.) I felt like this book described enough to get an understanding of the painful situation and challenge me to think about it without going into too much detail. I respected that (and was thankful for it).

5) It captures what I believe to be the heart of Christianity. It strips down all the ritual, all the misconceptions, all the arguments against it, and just speaks truth. It talks redemption, unconditional love, the heartbreaking effects of sin...I think it really gets to the center of who Jesus is without sacrificing the things that are hard to hear.

If you're interested in reading the book, check out the site to read a very generous free excerpt from Brandon. You won't regret it!

What's a great book you've read lately?