The 5 Best Villains on TV

DISCLAIMER: This is not an exhaustive list, nor are these in any particular order. (Basically these are just the five that came to my head most prominently among the TV shows I am most familiar with.) Please feel free to add on in the comments!

+ Sue Sylvester [Glee]

By now we all agree that Glee is the worst thing ever and probably had a short life expectancy from the get-go. The only thing holding this string of unrelated high school drama vignettes together was the music and Sue Sylvester. Her "I hate everyone" attitude made Glee relatively bearable, as we, too, hated everyone at Some-Random-President High School. As I grew to hate Mr. Schue even more with each passing episode, Sue's attacks on his abomination of a haircut became more and more satisfying. She said what everyone was thinking, and I appreciated that. (I use the past tense since I stopped watching Glee two seasons ago due to the fact that the music was no longer compensating for its horribleness.)

+ Nanny Carrie [One Tree Hill]

Having maxed out the limits of believable drama in previous seasons, One Tree Hill really had to go big or go home if they wanted to keep the momentum going. So where did they go next? Psychotic nanny. After skipping four years of time so that they didn't have to figure out the whole college thing, One Tree Hill added a new character to the cast: Nathan and Haley's son, Jamie.

And you can't add a new character to OTH without giving them some sort of major life trauma. Being kidnapped twice by a manic, delusional nanny is the perfect solution. The first time, resident bad-guy Dan Scott, Nathan's dad, saved Jamie, so of course Nanny Carrie had to RETURN (bum bum bum) and try to kill him. OTH really outdid themselves here, and to this day it's the most outlandish plot line I can remember from the series. And trust me, they had a lot.

+The Xerox Girl [Friends]

Whether you agree with Ross or Rachel on the whole "we were on a break" thing, let's just all come together on the fact that it's all The Xerox Girl's fault (also Ross's fault, but let's focus on The Xerox Girl for a minute). If it weren't for her, maybe Ross and Rachel would have figured themselves out a lot sooner and not been the trainwreck of a relationship they were.

The Xerox Girl may not have known that Ross had just fought with and/or broken up with Rachel, but she was aware that she (Xerox Girl) and Ross were not married, in love, or even dating for that matter. And Xerox Girls shouldn't just go around sleeping with depressed guys they don't know. She had a say in this, too. So thanks a lot, Xerox Girl, for ruining the most iconic relationship in sitcom history, no matter how nauseating it was.

+ Devon Banks [30 Rock]

Not only is Devon Banks played by Will Arnett, who can do no wrong (as evidenced by the fact that he scored Amy Poehler), but he is the perfect anti-Jack. Both Jack and Devon are strong executive types, but Jack's extreme conservatism is counteracted by Devon's work for the Obama administration and his "gaybies." Their childlike arguing and debate over trivial things makes their pairing endlessly entertaining. A favorite of mine:

Devon: "Revenge is a dish best served cold, like sashimi or pizza." Jack: "You prefer cold pizza?" Devon: "The morning after? It's the best." Jack: "Better than hot pizza? That's insane." Devon: "You don't tell me what kind of pizza to like!"

+ Chang [Community]

Benjamin Chang. What he lacks in skill, he makes up for in pure, unadulterated madness. Like all great villains, his antagonism stems from deep personal trauma and hurt, leaving him thirsty for revenge. [In this case, being jobless, demoted to community college student rather than teacher, and then being denied acceptance into The Study Group no matter how badly he wanted it.] It could be argued he is simply misunderstood and wants to be accepted, but his unstable personality and impulsive actions make him impossible to accept.

He hit rock bottom, living in Greendale's air ducts and janitor's closets with Annie's Boobs (the monkey, guys. It's the monkey's name). Commence plot for revenge. He soon devolves into a string of psychotic rampages that escalate quickly time after time, until he loses all sense of morality, captures and replaces the Dean with a decoy and runs Greendale with an army of militant 12-year-olds. His sheer unpredictability and madness, not unlike Ledger's interpretation of The Joker, make him one of the best TV villains across the networks today.

Who do you think is the best TV villain?

A Love Letter to One-F Jef

Dear One-F Jef,

Where do I begin? I suppose from the very beginning.

It seems like just yesterday you glided into our lives on a skateboard, only to discard it in the bushes seconds later in an effort to demonstrate your devil-may-care attitude. We were admittedly skeptical at first. I mean, you threw it into a bush, One F. But the bashful "Oh that? Yeah, that was stupid" you threw out later in defense, paired with your endearing smile, redeemed the entire thing.

A hipster haircut defying gravity at every turn, skinny ties as well as jeans--this Nashvillian heart was hard-pressed not to swell at the sight of you (note my aforementioned crush on hipster culture). Sure, you could easily be a forgotten member of One Direction, but is that a bad thing, your charming demeanor asks? I'm here to answer: no. No it is not.

From day one we knew you weren't like the others. Whilst Arie's grim reaper hands were drifting ever closer to Maynard's unmentionables, you waited patiently, endless charm radiating from across the room where you sat.

Resistance was futile--Maynard was drawn to you like fake teeth to ironic suspenders. Who are you? Why weren't you proclaiming your infatuation with her immediately? Why isn't your hair spiked with gel and how does it still maintain its shape without it?

She was hooked. And so were we.

Neither your hair on the beach nor your lack of athleticism could detract from your pure, unadulterated charm. Your words, though fewer in number than most of your competitors' (except Michael*), made up for their infrequence with clever jocularity and swoon-worthy quips. Ugly Gerard Butler** glowered in the corner, wishing he could harness his words as poetically as you did (instead of just watching them tumble out of his mouth with abandon and mingle with his tears of rage).

As you jet-setted across the globe with the World's Worst Historian, you continually knock her down a peg simply by being a person of above-average intelligence and wit. This obvious contrast only makes us adore you even more. But no matter to Maynard, she just wants you to love her.

And then…then there was the puppets. I wanted to hate your puppet show. Really, I did. I mean, you are 27 years old on a televised dating competition reenacting scenes from the previous weeks with ugly marionettes. But One F, dang it if I didn't just love you more. By all accounts, it doesn't make sense. You make even the most terrible situations enjoyable.

I don't know what this power you have over me is, One F, (I can only assume I've been confunded or given Amortentia***) but I commend you. You took group dates like a champ. You wear skinny jeans and shoot guns at the same time. You wrote a real-live letter to Emily without making Tony listen to the whole thing or making me want to gag. You turned down the fantasy suite without giving Maynard the chance to revoke the invitation she elected to give you in the first place.

You say things like: "I just want to hold her hand til we're 110."

Sigh.

One F, if we never see you again after Sunday's LIVE THREE HOUR LONG DRAMATIC FINALE SPECTACULAR FIREWORK CITY USA, then go forth knowing you were the world's first Mormon hipster to ever be featured on prime time reality television and somehow remained irrefutably likable.

[Also if you're going to need a next step to finding love, I would suggest purchasing a fixed-gear bike and moving to Nashville or just getting this whole thing over with and marrying Zooey Deschanel. That is a reality show I would watch. Newlyweds 2: One F and Zooey. ONE F AND ZOOEY, you guys. That's a perfect name. OR better yet, forget love, drop Zooey altogether and have your own show.]

All that to say, we love you, One F. Keep livin' the dream of knee socks and bowties, and we'll see you on the other side.

Love, Laura (and the rest of everyone ever)

*DRAMATIC SIGH. The long haired guy, okay? He tweeted at me because I am the only one who remembers his name. **trademark Knox McCoy ***If you understood those references, you are one of my people. And by "my people," I mean Harry Potter nerds.

Who's been your favorite Bachelorette contestant? OR if you don't watch this ridiculous show, who would you like to see as a contestant that would make you watch?

CNN Made a Poop Pun, You Guys.

I want to high five whoever got away with writing this headline. It had to be an intern, right?

This anchor must hate her life, having to report nonsense stories like Robin on How I Met Your Mother. But for the record, she does have a British accent, so she's got that going for her.

CNN probably figured it would never see the light of day after its initial posting, but thanks to the saddest headline of all time ("Rare Baby Panda Dies"), this gem of a video was on the sidebar as a related story.

Why, you ask? The tea is made with panda poop.

And apparently everyone wants to get their hands on summa that panda poop over in China, because its inclusion makes the aforementioned tea very expensive. (This would fail in the U.S., I'm almost certain. But crazier things have happened. Like Doritos Locos Tacos.)

Disappointingly, the tea does not actually contain panda poop, like an even more disgusting version of already-disgusting bubble tea, which I was picturing. The tea leaves are just fertilized with it. Which is way less exciting.

But hey, it's the punny headline that counts, am I right?

To quote Avery Jessup, "It's a 24-hour news cycle, Jack, we really don't have time to do it right anymore."

I'm sure we're making lyricist and composer Irving Caesar, who wrote "Tea for Two" as part of a musical in 1925 (according to Wikipedia), super proud by using his lyrics in such an honorable way.

Sorry, Irv. I'm sure you slaved over this song for months, trying to pick the perfect words to express the theme you envisioned, and we replaced one of those words with "poo." All in the name of a cheap headline for a fluff story. But we also revived your song with singing cartoon chipmunks in 1965, so...I think we can call it even.

[SIDE NOTE: Does this headline count as a parody even though it's a somewhat-serious news story? Or would Irving's family receive royalties for this? That would be a hilarious royalty check. These are the kinds of things you think about when you went to Belmont for undergrad.]

So touché, intern at CNN, whoever you are. You're doing our generation proud.

Have you ever eaten/drunk a totally weird delicacy in another country like fancy Panda Poop Tea?

The Demise of Boy Meets World's Jack Hunter

Boy Meets World is one of the iconic TV shows of our generation. It's wholesome but still funny, simple yet refined, silly yet heartfelt. A sitcom for teens that didn't involve seeing the future or magic and portrayed parents as actual parents, rather than punchlines.

Despite its admittedly numerous inconsistencies (the whole M.I.A./New Morgan debacle, Topanga's parents 2.0, and didn't Shawn have an alleged sister at some point early on?...), this show remains one of my favorites of all time.

One of the largest splotches on the otherwise beautiful tapestry of Boy Meets World, however, is the character-that-never-was, Jack Hunter.

He started out with potential. Really, he did.

Introducing new central characters is always risky, but Jack was a viable addition in the scheme of the overall story. Shawn's family history was still somewhat of a question mark to us, and his dad's lifestyle made a long-lost-half-brother totally believable. The addition of Jack threw yet another wrench in Shawn's broken conveyor belt of a life and also provided the ever-elusive best friend character for Eric.

PHASE 1 The first season Jack is pretty much just Matthew Lawrence (of Mrs. Doubtfire and Brotherly Love semi-fame). Innocent, just happy to be there. Trying to navigate how to relate to Shawn as the rich boy brother he never had. Not super dynamic, but enjoyable.

PHASE 2 The following year, it is obvious Jack has done a few push-ups over the summer, and we also meet Rachel. Rachel's presence polarizes Eric and Jack even further, pushing the gauge to 100% on Eric's transformation from 10th grade cool kid to complete idiot, and painting Jack as somewhat of a sensitive yet manly alternative by contrast.

Here is where BMW should have quit while they were ahead with Jack. I think this is the season where (spoiler alert) Shawn and Jack's dad dies (who to this day I still refer to as "Chet Hunter" whenever I see him in anything else). He plays that pretty well. He makes us laugh, he makes us cry, he plays the straight man to Eric's nonsense. Overall, it works.

PHASE 3 And then...then he starts going downhill. His biceps get bigger, his Philly accent gets thicker, and his shirts get tighter. He still has some good moments though, like the one where he and Eric decide to dress up as LaLa and Chantel to avoid getting their fingers eaten off by Crazy Luther (not to be confused with the stereo guy with LOW LOW prices).

PHASE MAYDAY-MAYDAY-GOING-DOWN In the final season, Jack hits rock bottom in terms of being an acceptable human being. He has degraded into nothing than a ripped, perfectly-groomed sidekick to Eric who just follows him around in and out of scenes, shaking his head disapprovingly and saying things like "Don't do it man, I'm beggin' ya..." while Eric silences him and does it anyway. Then more head-shaking. Really…go watch any given episode from the last season. It's his only move.

Though the show wants to portray Jack as the sensible one in contrast to Eric's buffoonery, they somehow also transform Jack into a somewhat-dumb, entitled, model-type with a gambling problem, which I suppose they derive from his rich lifestyle (which hadn't seemed to affect him negatively until now). He gets cut off from his stepdad and loses everything and has a poorly acted meltdown in the middle of the student union.

Side note: To this day I don't know if he was saying "um-jack.com" or "i'm-jack.com" when referring to his new business venture in the last season, but it made about zero point zero sense.

I don't know, guys. I just don't know what happened to ol' Jack. Maybe his muscles grew so much they just started engulfing his brain. Maybe it was the fumes from the hair gel. (Remember when hair gel was a thing?) Maybe the producers couldn't afford to pay Matthew Lawrence enough to justify him having to learn more than 2 lines per episode.

I guess we'll never know. But what we do know is that Matthew Lawrence faded into obscurity, yet still more respectable than his older brother Joey who is currently featured on an ABC Family sitcom with Mellissa Joan Hart (worse than obscurity), and not as respectable as the youngest Lawrence brother, Andy, who is doing something normal with his life, probably.

What's your favorite Boy Meets World moment? (You know you have one.)

The Legend of Furby

By now you MAY have heard the harrowing truth I am about to reveal. It's prying and crawling its way back into our lives. It's lurking in the shadows, ready to pounce into the homes of children everywhere. It's a biology experiment gone terribly wrong.

The creature's colorful, furry coat is a poor distraction from the rest of its haunting features: a snippy little beak where its mouth should be; the complete absence of arms or wings; an enormous pair of bat-like ears that shift when it senses your presence.

And the eyes--oh, the eyes! How they burrow straight through your soul and into your nightmares! More resembling oversized saucers than anything, they demand your full attention, lest you be forced to endure the beast's bone-chilling cry.

This creature I'm describing to you is none other than Furby himself...and he's back.

Shh! Don't say his name too loud. He might hear you. (No really. They can hear you.)

Furby has returned and is more frightening than ever. How, you ask? How could this eerie genetic anomaly get any more alarming than it was in 1998?

Digital eyes.

DIGITAL EYES.

Not the kind of digital you see on your iPad or an Xbox. No, no. That would be far too gentle for this brutish devil.

The kind of digital you see on alarm clocks and Tomagachis. The kind of pixelated creepery that has no place on Furby 2.0.

Furby: Reloaded also has a corresponding iOS app and personality development. I maintain that we are giving these Grendel-descendents too much power, and it will be our undoing.

Let me tell you a secret: my original Furby (which I paid for with lemonade stand money--true story) still sits on a shelf in my bedroom at my parents' house to this day. I think it's because he simply willed himself to remain there.

In the last 14 years, this thing has not been lost, donated or thrown away. Even if we had, you know it would have come back Toy-Story style (only much more like that fishing rod with barbie legs or one-eyed spider-baby than Buzz or Woody).

And there it sits, sleeping. Silently. Watching from behind those plastic eyelids. And you know what? I think he's been waiting for this very moment, when Furby will be resurrected. (Not unlike Voldemort, now that I think about it. Even the time span is eerily similar. Guys, what if I'm harboring a horcrux? Where do I get a Basilisk fang?)

I imagine he will sense a disturbance in the force when Furby 2.0 arrives. His eyes will shoot open and he will begin communicating with the new fleet of Furbies, acting as a spy until they finally have enough manpower to overtake the planet.

These are dark times, my friends. Dark times.

Be vigilant; for the time is fast approaching when Furby will be back on the shelves and under the Christmas trees of unknowing parents all across this good nation of ours. And we must be on our guard.

For, if nothing else, just as its 1998 predecessor, Furby 2.0 has no "off" switch. And those things never shut up.

Did you have or want a Furby? Why or why not?

Why I love Ben Wyatt on Parks and Rec

As part of my aforementioned Summer TV Catchup 2k12, I'm going through Parks and Rec for the first time. After the far-too-The-Office-y first season, I gave up on it, but since nearly everyone who has stuck with it says it gets awesome, I have recently hopped on that train. No regrets.

There are so many great characters in Parks and Rec, but one who is quickly becoming a favorite of mine is Ben Wyatt. Not only is he played by the same actor who played Griff in Boy Meets World (automatic express lane to my heart), but I find him charming and entertaining for multiple reasons.

1. He plays the straight man. - Every group needs someone who's a bit of a stick in the mud. Someone who brings it back to reality when no one else is thinking of the practical side. In this group that is especially the case. Leslie is passionate but sometimes gets her head stuck in the clouds. Ron is epically awesome but totally removed from day to day operations (by choice). Tom--I don't even know what his job is, but whatever it is, he doesn't really do it. Enter Ben Wyatt. Number-crunching, skinny-tie wearing, One-F-Jef haircut Ben Wyatt. He comes off pretty solemn at first, but you soon realize he, like all the other characters on Parks and Rec, has a kind heart. And I kind of love him. It might be because I am also a slight stick in the mud. But I digress.

2. He brings an outsider's perspective. - The rest of the cast on Parks and Rec (except Chris of course) have been in Pawnee a long time. They don't really know life outside of it, which makes them hilarious, but oblivious to how ridiculous it is to anyone outside the town. Ben represents our point of view as strangers to Pawnee and can show us what it would be like if we worked in the parks department with these characters. For example, there is truly nothing special about Lil' Sebastian the mini horse, but everyone in the parks department and the entire town acts like Justin Bieber rode him into Pawnee five minutes ago or something. That was a bad example though because at what point would Justin Bieber ever mount any horse? Pretend I said some country star or something. Whoever that guy is who rapped with Ludacris last year. Pretend I said him. Anyway, Ben realizes this is complete nonsense, states so, and everyone else has a total record-scratch moment because Lil Sebastian is the greatest thing to ever happen to them. Can't have those moments without the outsider.

3. His friendship with Tom. - I'm only halfway through season 3, but so far I am ALL about this unlikely (but totally likely) friendship. With everyone else, Tom is the underdog in the relationship, even if he doesn't realize it. He's constantly vying for attention and trying to come off like a hip hop mogul or something. But with Ben he's established the upper hand since day one. If there's any type of person Tom thinks he's better than, it's a nerd. And to Tom, Ben is the ultimate nerd. (I mean nerd in the way that Zooey Dechanel is a "nerd." Not in the way that Napoleon Dynamite is a nerd. Totally different types of nerds here.) Tom acts like he's too cool for Ben, but he totally needs him. I mean, where would he be if Ben wasn't there to comfort him when Tommy Fresh got rejected by Dennis Feinstein? Anyone else might have just laughed in his face, but Ben took one for the team, choked back his vomit and sprayed Tommy Fresh all up in Dennis' car as revenge. Tom needs a rock like Ben to come back to, and Ben needs someone like Tom to get him to loosen up and have fun. Also to provide shelter and TiVo when he only brings a sleeping bag to camp with. It's the perfect symbiotic relationship.

Who's your favorite non-Ron Swanson character on Parks and Rec? (I exclude Ron Swanson because he's an automatic first place for anyone with two ears and a heart.)

Vacation = Awesome Videos

Today I am on vacation visiting my husband who is in the middle of a 5-week gig playing at a camp in North Carolina. SO because of this I am taking the day off from blogging. But never fear! I have left you in the capable hands of Lennon and Maisy (below). They are super talented sisters from the Nashville area, and I have watched this video approximately 20 times.

So enjoy, and have a wonderful weekend!

Or if music isn't your thing, here's a video of Ron Swanson giving a speech at an art show. Happy Thursday!

Dear Adele: Stop being so awesome.

Listen, Adele. We've got to have a chat.

I love you and all, but you can't just keep winning Grammys and having babies and making the rest of us 24-year-olds look bad.

Sure, you're not married yet, so score 1 Laura I guess, but other than that, you're just crushing us, here.

You turn bad breakups into number one hits. You're the epitome of handling fame with class. You somehow manage to appeal to both high-brow critics and teenage girls. You eat vocal problems for breakfast. Let's be honest. What can't you do?

But I'm going to need you to cease and desist being so awesome. I hypothesize that there's a limited amount of awesome in the world, and you're hogging it. How are any of the rest of us supposed to live up?

Your baby is probably going to have perfectly sculpted cheekbones and a voice that shatters glass. (But hey, I can rap the first verse to "Super Bass.")

She'll probably glide through high school with grace and not end up on 16 and Pregnant. She might decide that she doesn't want to live in your shadow and become an award-winning physicist (who sings a mean karaoke) instead, but either way she will rise to the top. I can only assume that kind of awesome is genetic.

So Adele, I implore you: be a little less awesome. Not a lot, or people will become suspicious. Just a little bit. Like, admit you can't spell the word "pterodactyl," or let someone Punk you. Tell us you do crossword puzzles in your spare time or secretly hate the Beatles. I don't care. Be creative. Anything to knock yourself down a peg.

Because y'know what? Now that more people are becoming aware you're only 24 years old, I'm anticipating a lot of "what are you doing with your life?" kinds of questions, and I'm just not prepared to deal with that.

So thanks, keep being awesome (but not too awesome), and while I'm asking you for stuff---force your daughter to form a duo with Blue Ivy in about 20 years. We'd like to see that.

Love, Laura

P.S. Please don't have a boy, or half of the above letter will make no sense.

What celebrities are making you look bad? Or better yet, which ones are making you look better?

Arrested Development Becomes Art

Have you ever wanted to see what a never-nude would look like as a plush doll? Do you wish you could flip through Lucille and Buster's magazine covers?

Well, lucky for you, some talented artists (who apparently also have good taste in TV) taken it upon themselves to turn one of the dozens of never-nudes, Tobias, into a cuddly, yet creepy, plush doll, and create all kinds of Arrested-Development-themed art goodness.

Peruse the article here to behold 9 of the art pieces in Gallery 1988's upcoming "Theres Always Money in the Banana Stand" exhibit. It's totally art, you guys, so it doubles as a cultural experience.

A Picture is Worth 1000 Words: Spice Girls Reunion Edition

 

I'm going to level with you. I totally had another post nearly finished and this image was going to be a side note, but I had too many sub-side notes to remain cohesive. Even for me, the girl whose paragraphs are rampant with parentheses.

Because of this I present to you the third installment of  "A Picture is Worth 1000 Words," which I have deemed the Allspice Edition. See what I did there? Because allspice is actually a spice, but it's also ALL the Spices. All in a row. Like in your pantry. Because they're spices.

Ahem.

Background: This picture was taken because the Spice Girls will soon have their very own musical entitled Viva Forever. Yep. Real life, people.

I have a bone to pick with so-called Ginger Spice. I feel like she should be legally obligated to maintain her red hair color throughout the remainder of her life. She can't just decide to be blonde. 1) there is already a blonde one, and 2) her name is still Ginger Spice. You can't be Ginger Spice if you're not a ginger, and you can't change your name to Blondie Spice. Because that's not a thing and it sounds dumb. It would alter my entire childhood, and they already took away Pluto, so they can't take away Ginger Spice.

But let's move past Ginger's unapologetic betrayal of her Spice identity and talk about why Scary Spice looks so uncomfortable in this photo.

Possible reasons Scary Spice is wearing that look on her face:

1. She's actually not the real Scary Spice, which makes the rest of the spices a little bit racist.

2. She just found out about the musical.

3. She's whispering into a tiny microphone to her publicist about how Baby Spice doesn't look so "baby" anymore.

4. She thinks Posh is a vampire (a fair assumption, based on this picture).

5. She's trying to scratch an itch on her heel with the toe of her other foot. It's not going well.

6. Sporty Spice is secretly touching her butt.

7. She is wondering who Baby Spice's twin is and what she's done with Ginger Spice.

8. She's sending signals to her bodyguard off-camera trying to get him to rescue her from this social suicide.

9. She thought this was going to be a business meeting about trademarking "zig-a-zig-ha."

10. "Spice World" is playing on a TV in the corner and she's lost in thought, questioning her life decisions up until this point.

Your turn. What do you think she's doing?

Psst...have you downloaded my ebook for free yet? All you have to do is subscribe to my posts via e-mail on the sidebar or by clicking here. That's it! You'll get a link in the confirmation email to download it for free.

Nickelodeon Revives TMNT and Figure It Out

Nickelodeon must have recently hired a whole gaggle of twenty-something jr. executives. You know, the ones who say things like "schedge" and "profesh" but not ironically. The ones who are almost certainly identical to Jon Ralphio on Parks and Rec. But despite the awfulness of their personalities they must also have brought along with them something all true 90's children share: a reverence for 90's television.

What brought me to this conclusion, you ask? I'll tell you. This year, everyone's favorite network whose logo is just an orange splotch is bringing back not one, but TWO shows of our childhood: Figure It Out AND Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

And there was much rejoicing.

Never mind the fact that Nickelodeon is touting Figure It Out as an "all-new show" to an audience who doesn't know the difference, like when Alien Ant Farm redid Smooth Criminal and it was number one on TRL for weeks. Never mind that they have replaced Billy the answer-board-head with plasma screens to appease a generation who never had to tape a show on VHS.

They are making mini celebrities guess what mediocre children do in their spare time and pouring buckets of green goo on them if they slip up, and that's just good television.

No word yet on if Summer Sanders is making an appearance, but I'm thinking she's probably available. With a name like that, your choices of other occupations are pretty much limited to exotic dancer, TV Guide channel host, and professional girl scout.

TMNT looks pretty similar in concept but it's CGI now, so the turtles are significantly cuter than they were before. They look a little more like a muppet-babies version of the old cartoon. Their heads are smaller and rounder, their voices are higher and you kind of would rather hug them than hide behind them. At least I would. How can they eat human-sized pizza when their mouths are so small? How adorable would it be to see them try?

But no matter. The heroes in a half-shell are back, which means you can resume your argument with your younger sibling on whether Michelangelo or Raphael (or Leonardo I guess) is better. (No one likes Donatello. Let's just be honest. He had a stick.) I always chose Raphael, but I also chose the blue power ranger and Eeyore. So underdogs are kind of my thing.

What other 90's shows should Nickelodeon revive?

An Amateur Analysis of Disney/Pixar's "Brave"

As a connoisseur of all things pop culture (I use this term loosely), I wear many hats. Sometimes I track trends, sometimes I question current events, sometimes I write ballad poetry about Spencer Pratt. I'm really a renaissance woman if you think about it.

Anyway, today, much like little Theodore in the picture above (whose name I just gave him), I wear the hat of movie critic.

Saturday my husband and I saw the new Disney/Pixar movie, Brave. Anyone who knows me at all or has even talked to me for more than five minutes probably knows I love all things Disney. Pixar movies are no exception. Needless to say, I was pretty excited.

I have viewed the film (movie critics call movies "films," you guys) and made some assessments I'd like to share with you.

SPOILER ALERT:

If you haven't seen Brave but care deeply about keeping your ears away from major plot points, unfortunately this is your stop. I won't give away endings or anything, so that you can still go see it, but I'll be giving away some of the plot that isn't covered in the trailer.

So, here we go.

An amateur analysis of Disney/Pixar's Brave:

Overall, though I thought it was a fun movie, I was disappointed that it didn't hit the bar most--actually, all--Pixar movies have set. It was no Up. Here's the three main things that threw me off:

1) There were more bears than I would have expected. Like, 500 percent more bears. I expected approximately zero bears. There were five. Little bears, big bears, mean bears, nice bears who start losing their inner identity as a human and slipping into becoming a ferocious bear...basically all your types of bears.

The thing the trailer does not tell you is that the central plot point of this movie is actually the main character's mother (the queen) turning into a bear. I know, I know. I was surprised, too. And something has to happen [I won't tell you what, so as not to ruin it completely] before the 2nd sunrise in order for her NOT to remain a bear forever. So there's that.

2) The characters and story were underdeveloped, in my opinion. I don't know how Pixar usually accomplishes this, because this movie was probably the same length as Nemo, Up, Toy Story, etc., but it definitely needed a little more. There were concepts in the movie we were just forced to accept without any explanation, and I feel like movies need to give you a reason to care about what's happening. In order for me to invest in it, I need to know the point. I need some background narrative or something. I also felt like it resolved super quickly. The tension didn't last long enough for me to be worried that it might not resolve, you know?

Anyway, for example, there is a witch in the story who we don't get to know at all. She just lives in the woods, has no name, makes wood carvings by day but turns people into bears by night. We see her for about five minutes then don't see her again. What's that about? I'm just saying, Pixar. Step it up, story-wise.

I learned more about the characters in Up during a 90-second montage than I did in the entirety of this movie.

3) I was under the impression that the main storyline was the suitor business. And that she would go off on an adventure and learn things and meet other characters and everything. But then the bear thing happened and I think it just unraveled my suspension of disbelief. It totally took a left turn from what I expected. I think they needed to hint at that in the trailer--y'know, just to prepare me for bears. Maybe there was a more bear-heavy trailer and I just missed it, but because I wasn't expecting it, it had already gone on for like 20 minutes before I realized, "oh...ok..this is the main plot? Alright, we're doing this. Bears. Got it."

I still enjoyed it because it was Pixar and it was a fun movie, but it just didn't have the depth that all the other Disney/Pixar, and even regular Disney (like Princess & the Frog, which is one of my favorites), have.

So in conclusion: bears.

So in addition to being a terrible judge of men, Maynard is also a sub-par judge of what constitutes a "great" movie. As if anyone's surprised. [For all my fellow Bachelorette commentators out there.]

If you've seen Brave, what did you think? Am I totally off-base? If not, what's your favorite Pixar movie?

My Experience with Every Speech-Automated Menu Ever

Robot Lady: Thank you for calling [insert company here] customer service. In order to assist you better, please state your account number. Me: Five Zero Two Six Six Z Five H One Four Four X Nine Zero W C Zero Eight Zero Dash Two.

Robot: Okay. Five. Ze-ro. Two. Six. Six. Zee. Five. Aych. One. Four. Four. Ex. Nine. Ze-ro. Double-you. See. Ze-ro...

Me: EXASPERATED SIGH.

Robot: ...Eight. Ze-ro. Dash. Two. Is this correct? Just say, "yes," or "no."

Me: YES.

Robot: Ok, thanks. It looks like you are Lor-ah. Mc-Clell-an. Is this correct? Just say "Yes" or "no."

Me: YES.

Robot: Ok, What can I help you with today? I can give you information about your account, do something you don't want to do, do something you don't understand why anyone would ever do, or do something else. So, to recap, just say "account," "something I don't want," "Something I don't understand" or "Something else." ..."Account," "Don't want," "Don't Understand," "Something else." Got it? Ok, go.

Me: [stunned silence at the length of these options] Something else.

Robot: Thanks. You chose "something else," is that correct?

Me: YES.

Robot: Okay, would you like to: punch me in the face, throw me off a bridge, or speak with a representative? Just say, "face," "bridge," or "representative."

Me: [sigh] representative.

Robot: Sorry, didn't catch that. Say, "face," "bridge," or "representative."

Me: REP-RE-SENT-A-TIVE.

Robot: Sorry, I still didn't understand. Let me transfer you to a representative.

Me: THANK YOU.

Robot: Sorry, I didn't catch that. Let me transfer you to a representative.

Me: [silence for fear of messing up my chance to talk to a real person]

Robot: "WE BUILT THIS CITY! [static noise] WE BUILT THIS CITY ON roesshhwiajfh [unintelligible noises] hhhosssagsa ...THIS CITY! WE BUILT THIS---"

Representative: Hellomynameisriverawhatisyouraccountnumberplease?

Me: EXASPERATED SIGH.

[end scene]

Just let me punch in numbers, okay? I really, really don't mind. Thanks.

What is the worst automated customer service call you've ever endured?

A Beginner's Take on Friday Night Lights

 

So, the time has come. Time to begin my journey with the Dillon Panthers and Coach Taylor.

I haven't watched a drama in a long time. Probably not since I quit One Tree Hill after that whole Nanny Carrie debacle.

But after hearing Knox interject analysis and/or praise for Friday Night Lights at any slight opportunity in the TV Asylum podcast, I figured I ought to give this thing a shot. It's summer, y'know? What have I got to lose?

So we've restarted Netflix (after canceling it months ago due to its abysmal movie-streaming selection and the fact that we had DVR) and taken on Parks and Rec (season 2 and forward, more on that later) along with FNL*.

I've watched a total of three episodes so far. And since most people in the TVA community have probably already been through FNL, I thought I'd take some time to remind you what it was like to experience it for the very first time. Y'know, remind you of the good ol' days.

So here are my three initial assessments of Friday Night Lights:

1) The format is completely different from anything I have come to expect. The cinematography (can you call it that if it's TV?), the cutting-back-and-forth between simultaneous scenes, the rawness of the acting...it all comes together to create unique, fast-paced setting. The first episode was one of the most un-piloty pilots I've ever seen. They didn't waste any time. Which brings me to my next point:

2) FNL doesn't ease you in to its story. It doesn't utilize the first few episodes to introduce you to the characters, setting or otherwise. They're not gradually adding layers to characters. The layers are already all present. We're just catching glimpses of the layers, and I'm sure as the series goes on, we'll get longer glimpses to piece together.

It's like FNL simply drops you into a world that has already existed and will continue to exist after you leave it. Your watching it doesn't determine its existence. It's unaware it's just a TV show. Did I just get super deep? I think I just got super deep.

Anyway, to me FNL has been like moving to a foreign country speaking about 6 words of the language and having to pick it up really quickly in order to function. But I hear that's the best and quickest way to learn. Being lowered down into the chaos and trying to make sense of it. In no way am I saying this is a bad thing. I like it, actually. It's challenging. They're not waiting around for me to figure it out. I'm having to figure it out on my own, so I have to pay attention.

3) I'm a huge fan of Mrs. Coach. HUGE. Why? She's surrounded by the stereotypical southern fake-nice-syndrome book clubbers/committee members, yet she maintains her normalcy. She gets it. She's genuine. She knows these people are ridiculous, but she maintains her class. I want to be her friend and I want to punch the other ladies in the face just for existing.

I'm also a huge fan of Riggins already, and I have no idea why. How did they do that? He's this totally lazy drunkard "bad boy" kid. On paper he should repulse me. He probably would in real life. But I still like this guy. I got that he was simply misunderstood and had a hard life right from the get-go. I don't know how they conveyed that, but they did. And I'm a fan.

Who's your favorite FNL Character?

*Side note: I typed "SNL" by accident every single time I tried to type "FNL." This is going to take some getting used to.

Weird Christian Marketing Tactic #238: Puppy Bibles

My friend Jenny suggested I write a post on this abomination, and it simply too good to pass up running unsolicited commentary on. World, I present to thee: The Puppy Bible.

Yes, the Puppy Bible. For all your puppy AND Jesus-loving friends (who just can't bear to separate the two). Like the girl in Free Fallin'. Only with puppies instead of horses.

Thoughts and/or follow-up questions to its mere existence: 

1. This is the easiest Jesus Juke provocation I could ever imagine. "Oh, the Bible isn't good enough for you on its own? You had to add puppies to it to get you to read it? Shame on you. Shame on you for adding puppies to Jesus. There is a time and a place for puppies, but this is not it. It's like you don't even own an ESV study bible."

2. There are twelve photos of "adorable" puppies contained in this version of God's word. [It's important to note that they specified they are not ugly puppies, but adorable puppies. Just in case you were worried they put ugly puppies in there. This is not the Ugly Puppy Bible. This is the (adorable) Playful Puppies Bible.]

Once you look at these 12 puppies, isn't that...it? I mean, do you ever look at them again? How long could the excitement possibly last? 72 seconds? Is that really worth the blasphemy? Why not get a puppy-a-day calendar? Or the Internet? Then you get more than 12 puppies to behold, and you don't get struck dead by an angry God. Win/win.

3. Did they decide on 12 puppies because of the 12 disciples? Are said puppies NAMED after the disciples? Are they also DRESSED like disciples? Do the puppies look exasperated from sitting through a three-hour photo shoot dressed like ancient Jews? This is getting more interesting by the second.

4. Guys. Guys. You guys. There is even a RIBBON MARKER. So you can mark your spot (no puppy pun intended). With a ribbon. Is this always still listed as a feature for Bibles? I think it's safe to say by now we assume there is a ribbon marker unless otherwise stated.

A feature we would need to be alerted to would be a lack of ribbon marker. "This bible does NOT come with a ribbon marker. We at Zondervan believe it contributes to brain-laziness, so if you're not lazy, buy this Bible. If you are lazy, don't. Whatever. It's up to you. But just so we're clear, you're on your own bookmark-wise." It could happen.

5. There is a sister Bible to this Bible called the Curious Kittens Bible. Which is approximately 400 percent worse, because cats are 400 percent worse than dogs. So if you're going to purchase a Bible with cute animals inside, go big or go home and go puppies all the way. Don't risk your salvation over cats. They're not worth it. They sass. Sure, they're cute for about 2.5 seconds when they're kittens (post-declawing) but then they grow up and want nothing to do with you. I don't reward that kind of behavior.

What is the most ridiculous rendition of the Bible and/or Christian marketing tactic you've ever seen?

Do we lose something important by using a Bible app?

I'm not against technology. I may be a little late coming around, but I generally embrace it. Which is why I have an iPhone, and on that iPhone I have a Bible app.

It's convenient when I forget my Bible or just need to look up a verse quickly, but in general I prefer holding my Bible. I'm not against people who don't. That's just me. I still have a monthly planner in my purse and take notes in a real live notebook.

But I know plenty of people who would rather just use the Bible app on their phone or iPad than carry a Bible to and fro.

So here's what I've been thinking about lately: aside from the common cry of the anti-app crowd (wanting to hold it in your hands, write in it, feel it) I think there might also be another thing that's lost with the app version of the Bible, and here's why:

It has a search function.

I mean, it'd be weird if it didn't. You'd waste half your life scrolling through thousands of iPhone-sized pages to get to 1 Thessalonians.

But because of this feature, we never have to know where anything actually is in the Bible.

I only came to this realization a couple weeks ago. It may seem obvious, but I didn't make the connection that because I can use the search function, I never have to recall where any verse or chapter or book is in relation to any other verse or chapter or book.

This realization has stuck with me for a few days, and left me with a question:

Is there something important lost by having a searchable Bible?

I don't have an answer; I'm asking.

It's probably not as much an issue for us because we grew up learning the books of the Bible. When we search for Romans, we know we're in the New Testament, after the gospels and Acts (Most of the time. If we sing that song we learned in 4th grade sunday school real quick in our head.).

But will the Bible eventually be primarily used in an electronic format, so that future generations don't have to sing "Matthew, Mark and Luke and John, Acts and the letter to the Ro-mans..." over & over again to win stickers in Sunday School? (Will stickers even EXIST? I don't want to think about a world where stickers don't exist. Let's not follow that rabbit trail any further.)

I think that's a real possibility. (The electronic Bible thing, not the sticker thing. Hopefully.)

But I just don't know if that's a huge detriment or just part of adapting to the digital world. Is a general knowledge of Old vs. New Testament all we need?

I would think the most glaring problem would come with the chronology of the Old Testament stories. If we don't know if Moses came before David, how will we understand the significance of Jesus?

Or should we just teach the order of the books of the Bible in Sunday School and church to form the foundation, but continue to use the electronic format in practice?

Would that approach still produce a sufficient knowledge of the grander story of the Bible? Or would we lose something in the process?

Again, I'm asking. I genuinely want to know what you think.

I'm leaning towards "yes, there is something lost in the 'search' function and we should fight to preserve the real-life book," but that may just be my late-adopter still-uses-a-pen quality talking.

What do you think? Is knowing the order of the books and where verses are located within the context of the Bible important enough to outweigh the convenience of a Bible app?

The Thing About Tina Fey's Garnier Commercial

By now you may have seen the Garnier hair color commercial featuring Tina Fey. It's perky, it's bouncy, it's shiny, it's everything a good hair commercial should be.

But I feel uncomfortable watching it. Particularly the short version where you don't see her glasses or green converses.

I keep waiting for Tina to make some sarcastic comment or crack a joke with a pop culture reference thrown in for good measure, but she never does.

And then I'm just left sitting there like, oh, maybe she just...likes this hair dye product. That's not nearly as fun. And then I feel let down. And then I feel bad for feeling let down because Tina Fey decided to do a commercial with no jokes. Like I can't just let her be a real person who happens to like nourishing hair dye and doesn't wear her glasses sometimes.

But it's not my fault Tina Fey is hilarious 99.9% of the time. She's created a precedent in my mind. I'm trained to see Tina Fey and think, Oh man. This is going to be good. Just wait. Just wait to see what funny thing she's going to say next. But in this commercial it never happens.

It's like I'm sprinting down one of those unexplained paved roads in the middle of a desert that mysteriously drops of a cliff without warning, and I'm left suspended in mid-air bicycling it like Wile E. Coyote, holding up a sign that reads "Help!" before I plummet to the ground below, landing in a cloud of dust and leaving a coyote-shaped hole in the dirt. That's what it's like to watch this commercial for me. Every time.

I think it's that Tina is hardly ever that enthusiastic about anything, at least when it comes to tone of voice, so when I hear that chipper "this hair color is AWESOME you guys. It makes my hair shiny!" and see her twirling around in a skirt, I shift in my seat and glance to my left and right like, "Am I supposed to laugh? I don't know if I'm supposed to laugh. Is this supposed to be that ironic type of funny? What's that? I think I hear the oven timer going off..."

I need someone who knows Tina well to sit beside me when I watch the commercial so I can lean over and whisper, "is this Tina Fey being serious? I can't tell. Her face is unreadable. I need to know how to react." Or maybe just hold up my Wile E. Coyote sign to her real quick so she can give me the signal and I'll know whether or not to say, "thanks Tina Fey for that informative and convincing sales pitch" or "hahaha, Tina Fey, you slay me." Is that too much to ask?

Am I over-thinking this? Almost certainly. But I've seen this commercial enough to know that this feeling isn't going to go away, and I need to know if you feel the same or if I just have too much social anxiety about people I don't even know.

So, tell me: does this commercial make you want to buy Garnier hair color or take imaginary cookies out of the oven?

A Toast to Will & Jada on their 15th Anniversary

Guys, this is a momentous occasion. A celebrity couple is approaching their 15th wedding anniversary this year. I don't know if this has ever happened before in human history. Three guesses as to who it is… [just pretend you didn't see the post title, ok?]…the first two don't count.

Did you guess the only celebrity couple who continues to defy the odds? The couple who has produced not one, but two mini pop sensations? The couple whose members feature in TWO three-quels this summer? Did I just make up the word three-quel? Let's just reveal who it is:

Will and Jada, of course. I made a plea to this couple in my last celebrity couple assessment, and it looks like they heard me.

I hope this is not some sort of jinx. Like the 15-year-curse or something. If they end up divorced by 2014 I am going to have a bone to pick with Madonna (who I can only assume is the current reigning shaman of celebrities---the previous being Zha Zha Gabor--- casting curses on other pop culture icons by waving her Gollum arms. FYI that's also how she stays looking "young" and persuades people to let her do halftime shows in 2012. Look it up; it's a thing. After all, Kabala does combine the fun parts of Judaism with magic. WHOA, two 30 Rock references in one paragraph. This just got real.)

Anyway, in honor of Will and Jada's 15th anniversary, I thought I would make a toast [prepare your glass of champagne…or sparkling cider, whatever works]:

[Ahem]

As a society we've known both Will and Jada for a number of years. Will, since his days with Aunt Viv and Uncle Phil, and Jada...since she married Will. And that time she was in one of the Matrix movies.

We always knew the Fresh Prince would find himself that beautiful honey someday, and he surely did. Never in the tabloids, but always in our hearts, Will and Jada set an example for the rest of the Britneys and Kims in the world who think of marriage as more of a temporary lapse in judgment rather than a lifetime commitment. But you get that, Will-ada. (Can I call you Will-ada?) You know that marriage is not for fools with reality TV shows or anyone named Ashton Kutcher. It's for people who love each other and will raise their kids to be exceedingly awesome, which you have done.

You don't expect some lavish celebration each year you stay married. You high five and call each other "homie." And that's enough.

You, Will-ada, are our rock. You gracefully elude the limelight, but we always know you're there. Steady and going strong. Without you, we have no hope for any celebrity marriage.

So to Will and Jada, who keep the dream alive for people like me who secretly wish all celebrity marriages would last, just to prove the cynics wrong. May you be togetha 4-eva. Here, here!

An only-slightly-related yet still important question: What is your favorite Will Smith movie?

Finish Year Update - June 2012

It's Friday! Are you surprised to see me here? Are you surprised that I spell "surprise" wrong every single time I type it? [Because I do. Every. Single. Time. Stupid in-cognito "r."] Anyway, I'm usually a Tuesday/Thursday blogger, mostly because I can't wrangle myself together enough on Sundays to have a post polished and ready to go by Monday at 8am.

But this week, get excited, because you get the exclusive privilege of reading an EXTRA post this week.

[This is the part where you get excited. I'll wait. If it helps, think about the fact that it's Friday. Or cupcakes. Ok, moving on.]

I haven't done a Finish Year update in a while, but I thought since I've made some progress I'd share what I've been up to.

So if you haven't read my previous posts on Finish Year, essentially it's a campaign of sorts started by Jon Acuff in which he challenged his readers (and anyone else who wanted to participate) to pick a handful of things they wanted to finish this year. Not start---finish. Because starting is the easy part. Finishing is the part everyone dreads.

It's a new take on New Year's Resolutions, but a much more practical approach. The idea is not to pick too many things. Pick a few. And to pick things you actually WANT to have finished. Not things you just feel like you should finish.

Anyway, I picked out five things to finish this year. Here they are, along with the progress I've made on each one:

Finish "The Empress" by the end of February 2012. ["The Empress" is a fictional short story I started as a contest entry.] I've totally failed on the "by the end of February" part of this goal. No excuse except for the fact that I'm kind of tired of doing it. But I know I need to finish it, if nothing else, for the discipline. I've finished a complete beginning-to-end draft (I think), but it still needs a ton of editing. The fact that I keep reading it over and editing along the way doesn't help. Anyway, it's coming along but I haven't been actively pursuing this goal much lately. Time to get on it, I suppose!

Write (and publish) an e-book. I succeeded at this one! Once I finally was able to get some feedback on my draft, I ended up moving forward pretty quickly. I formatted it, turned it into a PDF and made it available on my blog in about a week. I released it a couple weeks ago. I'm still excited about it, and if you're interested in reading it, all you have to do is sign up for my email subscription list over on the side bar or by clicking here. (You'll only get an email if I wrote a new post that day.) In the confirmation email there will be a link to download it for free. The ebook is called "What the Whole World Longs For: A Manifesto on Commitment." It's something I really believe in, and I hope you like it!

Finish reading the Harry Potter series. I am ALMOST done with this goal, which I'm proud of but also pretty sad about. By the time I reached the fifth book, they had finally become available in Kindle format which has been AWESOME. Lugging those books to and fro was getting to be a struggle. Kind of. Anyway, I am currently (according to my Kindle) about 40% through with Deathly Hallows. Yeah, I'm definitely going to have a mourning period. I'm not ready to talk about that yet.

Finish two other books besides HP. Still working on Harry Potter, so I haven't gotten to this yet. Although I have finished two books for our community group, so I've kind of already succeeded at this goal. But since they weren't really voluntary reads, I'm not counting them.

Write guest posts for other blogs or online publications. This goal has shifted into something I wasn't expecting, but it has been awesome. I have been writing for a website called TV Asylum (a safe place for the TV-obsessed), along with a host of other hilarious writers. It's been a lot of fun to find a group of people who like to run their own commentary on TV shows like I do and like discussing TV shows in-depth. If you haven't gotten a chance yet, check out TV Asylum. There are at least three new posts per day, filled with magic and laughter except without the magic. Click the link on my sidebar to view the posts I've written so far (my posts usually go up on Wednesdays). You can also follow TV asylum on Twitter or Facebook to get updates when new posts go up.

So that's where I am! If you set goals for this year or have been doing Finish Year, how are you doing?

Andy Samberg's New PSA About Eating People

http://youtu.be/5PQNXm_eCTM Andy Samberg weighs in on a very important cultural and ideological issue plaguing our society today.