will.i.am serenades Martians because he can

In case you haven't heard, will.i.am wrote a song about space and broadcast it on Mars and then broadcast it back to Earth. Yep, that happened.

Why? Because this is America, dang it. And we don't just premiere autotuned PSA's to inspire kids to be scientists. We premiere autotuned PSA's to inspire kids to be scientists...on MARS.

So, your move, China. (Or whoever our rival is at this point. I feel like it's China.)

Ha, just kidding. That's adorable. It's not like you even HAVE a mohawk guy to press "play."

Watch the video to see NASA nerds (I mean that in the endearing way) sway awkwardly while they listen to will.i.am at Space Command (which is what I choose to call the NASA control room). In their defense, it's like watching someone watch a movie or listen to a recording of themselves. It's not really a fair situation.

Who do you think should be the first to perform on Mars? We're thinking big here, people.

Snap Judgment: The Mindy Project

Photobucket I really like Mindy Kaling. I didn't know it until recently, but I do. Sure, she was pretty funny in The Office as Kelly and got major street cred when I found out she was a writer, but other than that I didn't know much about her.

A couple weeks ago I read her book "Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)" (after the library finally relinquished a copy on Kindle) and found her very endearing. She has that self-deprecating witty sense of humor all SNL/NBC comedians have in common, of course, but she's also very relatable for me.

The things she wonders about are the same kinds of things I wonder about. Mainly about how those experiences that are supposed to be all breezy and cool and sexy for beautiful, grown up women would actually play out in real life.

For example, she questions the safety of one-night stands. Not emotional safety-- physical safety. You're seriously going to let a man you've known four hours into your HOUSE? What if he's a serial killer? What if he steals your stuff? What if he doesn't kill you or steal your stuff that night but makes a mental note of your most expensive possessions and comes back later?

It's those kind of buzzkill thoughts that Mindy and I have in common. Actually, that's exactly the word. We are both total buzzkills. Practical to a fault.

Anyway, due to my newfound affinity for Mindy, I decided to give the pilot of her new show, The Mindy Project, a shot and report back to you.

Rating: Good, not amazing. Solid B+

I feel like you have to take all pilots with a grain of salt. It's really hard to introduce a bunch of characters and have a plot and give an overall "this is what this show is going to be like for the next five years" in 21 minutes. I get that.

So, that said, I thought it was good. It had some great moments, and I still found Mindy endearing, so while it didn't suck me in necessarily story-wise, I think it definitely has potential. The appearances from Bill Hader and Ed Helms also didn't hurt.

The premise is Mindy is an OB/GYN: single, 31, on a quest for love and life-improvement. Part Liz Lemon, part Sex and the City (probably…I haven't actually seen that show), part…something with doctors. Other characters include a married best friend, a goofaround hookup buddy British coworker, a jerk coworker she can't stand, and some cute receptionist girls.

Favorite line of the pilot:

Upon getting out of a consultation with a pregnant woman who has no insurance, doesn't speak english and has to use her son to translate, Mindy questions her staff on why they would send her that patient:

Vaguely Foreign Pretty Receptionist: "I thought she might be rich with oil money."

Mindy: "Well, she wasn't. She was poor, with nothing money."

Honorable Mention:

Young Naive Receptionist: "What do you think she should wear, Dr. Costalano? She didn't grow up in this country!"

Mindy: "Actually, I did grow up in this country, Betsy, thank you.."

I really like Mindy's character. Even though she's got her heads in the clouds a bit [a lot] in terms of romance, her genuine moments and sass are charming and really well-placed comedically. Especially when she is annoyed. Which is a lot.

She shares similar qualities with Mindy in real life (at least according to her book), which I also enjoy because I like her sense of humor and the fact that she references her battle with being perpetually chubby and growing up the child of immigrant professionals from India. I also enjoy that she is not Kelly Kapoor in any way except for looking exactly like her.

In summary, I love Mindy Kaling and will definitely be giving this show a chance. It seems enjoyable and possibly great. Not off-the-wall hilarious like 30 Rock or Community (at least not yet), but relatable and still witty.

If you want to check out the pilot, you can view it on Hulu here. Definitely worth watching if you have 21 minutes to kill and you like NBC comedies and New Girl and such.

Are you planning on giving any new shows a shot this fall?

John Mayer + Katy Perry: The Relationship No One Knew About

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Y'know, I like to think of myself of somewhat of a pop culture connoisseur. Okay, maybe connoisseur is too strong of a word (considering, as my computer just pointed out, I don't even know how to spell it). But I keep up with things. I generally know who's having babies and who threw their hat into the ring this week to be considered for an American Idol judge.

But this somehow slipped under my nose, and like all amateurs who claim to be experts, I blame someone else. That someone is the media.

When two mega celebrities--one coming off a highly publicized divorce and 3D film and the other coming off a new album and two years in woodland solitude--decide to date, or at least be seen together, which is the celebrity equivalent, we have a right to know, okay?

So my point in all this is to tell you that John Mayer and Katy Perry have not only been dating, but have already broken up. Apparently this had been going on for months and no one bothered to tell me.

Why was this not on the cover of US Weekly so that I could at least catch a glimpse while I wait 45 minutes for the lady in front of me to pay for her groceries with a check?

Sure, some unknown somebody gets us all riled up that Maynard cheated on One F Jef (apparently they both deny it and I believe them because I like to believe believe One F is incapable of lying) and it's plastered all over that glossy glorified tabloid the next day. But an unfortunate-looking-yet-super-popular songwriter and a girl who wears cupcake bras as clothing start making out in public and no one thinks this is important enough to make sweeping declarations about?

I'm appalled.

Y'know, I would expect this from more reputable sources who don't want to "jump to conclusions" and are worried about "libel," but not from you, celebrity gossip magazines. You have a reputation to uphold. You have to be the one making wild assumptions and throwing them out there as fact, citing only "a source" as reference. That's your job, guys. If you're not doing it, who is?

And now it's over. And I totally missed it. It came and went with nary a word about the blue-haired diva and her homeless-looking crooner.

What made this FINALLY grace the digital pages of EW's Popwatch and therefore brought it to my attention? John Mayer's "break-over" haircut.

A haircut.

Sigh. Get your priorities straight, EW. In the hierarchy of celebrity news, chart-topping pop stars dating each other far exceeds haircuts.

Unless it's Justin Bieber. Then all bets are off.

What should John Mayer and Katy Perry's celebrity couple name have been? 

P.S. Chris Pratt (Andy from Parks and Rec but really Bright Abbott from Everwood) and Anna Ferris also had a baby. Did you even know they were together, let alone pregnant? Neither did I. THE BALL IS OVER THERE, MAGAZINES. Go pick it up, please, and try not to drop it again.

Inflatable Bike Helmet: the only thing uglier than a regular bike helmet.

Coming soon to a Sky Mall near you... Introducing: the HOVDING.

What's a Hovding, you ask?

Well, my friends, it's a new bike helmet that now only looks terrible if you actually have a bicycle accident! Otherwise it just looks like you might go skiing later, which is totally plausible as a relaxing activity you might partake in after a long bike ride.

You see, Hovding is basically a puffy collar which conveniently conceals an airbag for your head.

 

And only does it have a name that sounds like a fun New Zealand woodland creature, but it comes with many STYLISH covers you can change out to match your every fashion whim (that you totally care about whilst riding a bike).

Has a mean group of popular kids ever pointed and laughed at you as they passed by in a red sportscar while you bicycled along wearing your sensible bike helmet?

Not anymore!

This revolutionary device protects you from brain damage AND fashion faux-pas.

I know what you're thinking--why did no one think of this sooner?

Those Swedes, they do more than just woo Julie Taylor.*

Apparently wearing a bike helmet is now a law in Sweden, and these guys were SO PUT OUT by the mere suggestion that they be caught dead in one of those monstrosities that they invented a more suitable alternative. Passion for fashion makes people go the distance, you guys. (By the way, I'm picturing Sven from HIMYM the entire time I'm reading this article.)

So they set out to revolutionize bicycle fashion, one mean-looking European girl at a time. (see accompanying photo)

The Hovding can apparently sense when your bicycle is flailing out of control and immediately inflates around your head in ONE TENTH OF A SECOND. So good luck if you hit the pavement in one hundredth of a second. You're just out of luck, I suppose.

Never mind the fact that if you just jerk the handlebars suddenly or are a bicyclist in training, your cranium will likely be enveloped in an inflatable polar bear claw and you'll have to ride home like that in an airbag of shame only serving to call unavoidable attention to your failure.

But for us steady-handed cyclists, this neck brace-chic solution is a no-brainer. You might have to wear a ski jacket while biking in order for it to blend in, but it's a step in the right direction, am I right?

I think this might actually be a not-so-subtle attempt at rewarding people for safe bicycle driving. If you drive safely, no bear claw. If you don't, bear claw.

The Hovdig also contains its own black box (LIKE AN AIRPLANE YOU GUYS) so I guess people can review your tumble down Ol' Deathwish Hill over and over again if they want. Oh and also so the Swedes can figure out how to make this thing more useful in the future.

Sure, it's likely to end up in whatever warehouse in Kansas all those segways are collecting dust in, but it's nice to know people are trying.

Maybe one day, we as a society will just man up and decide that bike helmets are just a thing we have to wear so we don't die. Then this nonsense would not be remotely necessary. I'm not sure when or how this association started, perhaps at the conception of the bike helmet, but bike helmets were established as innately uncool.

Until we decide bike helmets are acceptable to be seen in, we are stuck with $600 inflatable polar bear claw neck braces. And that's just no way to live.

[SIDE NOTE: this article uses the phrase "invisible bike helmet," which sounds way better than the contraption I stumbled upon instead.]

Have you ever evaded wearing a bike helmet for fear of being uncool? Or is this solely a 90s-kid problem?

 

*I can now make Friday Night Lights references because I am halfway through season 2 on Netflix. Clear eyes, full hearts...!

Will The Office Spin-Off Be "Joey" 2.0?

As a community of TV-lovers, I feel we have to talk about this. If we don’t, I’m not sure we can call this site a place for the TV-obsessed anymore. It’s a very important issue in the world of television, and it needs to be discussed, round-table style.

Unfortunately we don’t have a round table, so basically I’m just going to talk at you and you can respond in the comments with your thoughts. Close enough.

Cast members and writers are jumping ship right and left at this point as The Office continues to limp towards the finish line while we anxiously await the moment we can start an inspirational slow-clap from the sidelines.

Part of this last-leg-of-the-journey is the news that there is going to be a spin-off of The Office called The Farm, which will follow Dwight’s family as they run their beet farm.

I think it’s a gutsy move. The Office is one of the most popular shows of our generation. Nearly everyone you know has seen at least a few episodes or knows enough to get the jokes.

How will people react to a spin-off?

Spin-offs by nature are risky. You’re taking a successful element of a very popular show, breaking it off and planting it somewhere else in the hopes that it can grow in a new environment into something uniquely beautiful. I’m not an expert on TV history, but I think this has only worked hardly ever. See: Joey

Can Dwight hold up as a character without his banter with Jim or fight for leadership? Will we have the ability to let new characters (Dwight’s until-now-unmentioned family members) into our hearts?

On one hand I think it has a lot of potential for success, because it’s enough of a departure in environment that it won’t just be The Office: College Years. That episode when Pam and Jim stayed at the beet farm WAS pretty great, after all.

Disappointingly, however, Mose isn’t a main character, and he’s the only Schrute family member we’re familiar with outside of Dwight. Can we relate with just one person we know? Or is that actually an asset because we have no preconceived notions?

Let’s do a comparison to a similarly popular sit-com spin off, Joey.

The thing about Joey was that it it was essentially a continuation of Joey’s life from Friends. He moved, but that was about it. He was still pursuing acting and still doing the same idiot things.

The Farm is a completely different aspect of Dwight’s already-established life. It’s more of a backstory than a new chapter. If the spin-off followed Dwight’s journey as he uprooted and moved to Connecticut and started his own paper company–that would be a flop. But we already know about the beet farm and are intrigued to know more about it, and it’s a total 180 from an office environment.

Also, Friends was very dependent on the ensemble cast. Their characters were developed based off their interactions with one another. One can’t really stand alone, as evidenced by Joey. I never saw Joey, because I wasn’t into Friends yet at the time, but I can’t even imagine him carrying an entire TV show on his own.

With The Office, though it is an ensemble cast of sorts, they have individual personalities and quirks independent of one another. They don’t require one another to be who they are. They aren’t as tight-knit as a group. Which makes sense–they’re coworkers, not necessarily friends (pun very much intended).

I think The Farm has a lot of potential. I think it will be weird at first, as all new relationships are, but I think we might grow to embrace it once we get past the fact that it’s not The Office. It allows a lot of opportunity for different types of story lines, without giving up the same vein of comedy we know and love…quirky characters, off-the-wall situations, but still relatable.

If you’re interested in seeing the breakdown of the characters that will be on The Farm, click here.

What do you think? Is this destined to follow Joey right off a cliff, or do you think it will survive?

98 Degrees Reunited, and No One Was Impressed

The kind of nonsense we as the American public endure on a daily basis is just staggering. Octomom commercials, Mustafina's ever-pouty-yet-somehow-crazy-eyes,* two 30-second commercials preceding a one-minute long insignificant video, Kathy Lee Gifford's mere existance…the list goes on.

But this---this has to immediately jump to the top of that list.

If you haven't already heard, 98 Degrees reunited and performed on the Today show.

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I don't think anyone knows why.

My theory is that because they canceled The Sing Off, Nick Lachey needed something to do. How much do you think he paid each of the other three just to be part of yet another vehicle for his mediocre success? Let's face it, is there really any other logical reason this happened?

Let's review the tape, shall we?

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

 

Wow. First of all, how unenthusiastic is Jeff? Or is it Drew? I can never tell them apart. They all look like Lacheys to me except the one that's obviously not a Lachey. [Is non-Lachey's mic even on? I can barely hear his talk-rap in the bridge, and that is a travesty. Also is he related to Louis C.K.? I'm asking.]

Also, how pitchy is Jeff-Drew? Seriously, why are we doing this? Are they really starting over? Why are they doing the same choreography as they did in 1998?

Aren't these people dads by now? If you're a dad, you're no longer allowed to perform in a boy band. You're just not. I think that should be the rule of thumb. Have some self-respect. Wear a tie, you hoodlum.

To the three non-Nick-Lacheys, I ask: was this tiny blip of publicity this got worth the loss of dignity? Come on, guys. I mean LOOK at how bored these kids are. Just look at their sad faces.

FREEZE FRAME. 

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Let's analyze these folks who found themselves at this renaissance of 90's pop that was only-okay.

Everyone is painfully uninterested, except that 25-year-old girl who somehow knows the words to the song they are performing, which I have now realized is "Invisible Man." Even I wouldn't have remembered that song, and I'm pretty up on my 90's boy band lyrics.

Purple Tank Top is feigning interest. Striped Tank Top apparently finds Purple Tank Top more interesting than 98 Degrees.

Lady In Red looks like she's trying to figure out where she knows those boys from.

Sassafras McGee in the front is sassing her friend about how this song was her jam in 6th grade...or taking a duck-face Instagram photo or something.

Lady Taking A Picture seems to think this is worth her time and that her grandchildren will appreciate that photo, but they won't. If you're weren't born before 1991 you won't appreciate that photo. And seeing as kids who were born in 2000 are now in 6th grade, I'm assuming that is not the case for LTAP.

Lady In The White Shirt is bobbing her head contently but internally wondering when she's allowed to leave.

Her companion, Man In The White Shirt has a camera round his arm, but notice how he is NOT using it on 98 Degrees. Not even one little bit. He obviously doesn't want to waste his valuable memory card space. Which is deletable. That's how much he cares.

And last but not least, Blonde Kid. The center of this artful display of human misery. That poor, poor blond 13-year-old boy. Perhaps he was drug there by that one girl in that entire crowd who knew ahead of time this was happening and waited in line just so she could prove to the world she knows the words to the world's most obscure boy band song.

I'm sorry, blonde kid. Really, I am. I'm 24 and a girl and team BSB and all, but i had no part in this. Please don't blame all of us.

 

What band do you wish would reunite (practical or not)?

 

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How Tracy Morgan Fixed A Show About Fish Tanks

So, if you didn't know, there's this show called Tanked. In keeping with the true reality show motto of let's-just-tape-everything, it lives among cohorts like Cake Boss and that fail of a show Unpoppables about people who made things out of balloons (spoiler alert: everything still looks like a 4th grade birthday party), following around guys that make fancy fish tanks for a living.

The guys aren't very charismatic and the interviews and banter sound painfully scripted, but they do turn out some pretty impressive things.

Even so, it's guys making fish tanks, so it was still pretty boring.

UNTIL NOW.

Enter Tracy Morgan and his disproportionate level of excitement upon meeting these fish tank maker guys.

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This video shows Tracy displaying the most energy I've ever seen him display in any setting. It's so ridiculous, it has to be real. I don't know why Tracy Morgan is so hyped about his future fish tank, but watching what is apparently his lifelong dream coming true before our very eyes sounds pretty good to me.

Plus we get to spend valuable moments of our lives trying to guess the age difference between his fiancé and his son (who REALLY is named Tracy Jr., which is just great news). My guess is 8 years.

It gets even better, you guys, because Neil freaking Patrick Harris is in this season as well. They are building a replica of a Houdini escape tank for him, which is perfect due to NPH's quirky yet endearing magic skills. Really, can that guy do anything even slightly less than awesome? I submit that he cannot.

Turns out the only thing this show needed to make it worth watching was celebrities with too much expendable income and a love for small aquatic creatures.

Nevermind the fact that they'll probably have to hire a new staff person for their abodes whose job description will read only "keeper of fish." Better to be the keeper of fish in Tracy Morgan's house than head butler at some unknown rich guy's house, am I right?

What's your favorite lifestyle reality show (i.e. River Monsters, Ace of Cakes, Duck Dynasty, etc.)?

Don't Trust the B with Zack Morris and Frankie Muniz?

Photobucket Full disclosure, I haven't seen Don't Trust the B---- in Apt. 23.

The previews alone make me want to curl up into the fetal position and cry little bit. I couldn't handle that girl in Gilmore Girls as one of Rory's new sketchball college friends and I can't handle her in this. And James Van Der Beek--a B list celebrity at best--plays HIMSELF. In a primetime series. And the title not only rhymes, but features a word that has to be censored every time someone says it or types it. Really?

Anyway.

Apparently this season on Don't Trust the B, Mark-Paul Gosselaar ((Did anyone else know Gosselaar was spelled with two A's? Does it make anyone else want to pronounce it like a pirate would? Mark-Paul Gossel- ARGH. Just me?))  and Frankie Muniz are both making appearances...ALSO playing themselves. I don't know if they're just really trying to work the nostalgia angle on our generation to draw us in or what, but it sounds an idea just terrible enough to be hilarious.

Is it even legal to put Zack Morris and Dawson Leery in the same TV show? Can the network even handle that much 90's teenage angst at one time?

Of course, if it was really Zack and Dawson, you know Dawson would be the one over-thinking everything, whining about how hard life is living on a dock and dreaming of being a film director while Zack just leans up against stuff telling him to lighten up and go out with him to the Max to get his mind off things.

Y'know, that's a series I would watch. Who do I have to talk to to make Zack & Dawson a thing?

And then there's Frankie Muniz. When was the last time you heard anything about him? Is he still 12 years old? Survey says yes. But according to Wikipedia he's also been busy making a "R-rated teen sex comedy" that went straight to DVD. So he's got that going for him.

In the episode, James Van Der Beek tries to assemble a Dawson's Creek Reunion and runs into the other two 90's teen stars along the way. Also Busy Phillips shows up. This is SO meta, you guys.

[Real talk: I only learned what that phrase meant because of TV Asylum. I don't feel comfortable using it in real life conversations, but I feel pretty good about my use of it just now. We're all friends here, right?]

This plot line has intrigued me enough that I might just have to give this potential trainwreck a chance.

Have any of you seen Don't Trust the B? Is it worth giving up 30 minutes of time I could be using to watch Season 2 of FNL?

How the Spice Girls are Winning at Life

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My musical theater director in the grand total of three performances I was in during middle school used to say, "what I lack in pitch, I make up for in VOL-UME!"

I kind of feel like that's exactly what the UK's approach was in the opening and closing ceremonies.

They tried really, really hard. And clearly their people are proud of their country's books and farming or something. (I would have just let them reenact scenes from Harry Potter for three hours straight, but hey, that's me.)

Both ceremonies were clearly very elaborate, but I feel like they were just a hodgepodge of remotely-British things and glowing octopi. To be fair, this is the third time London has hosted the Olympics, so perhaps it was just hard to come up with a third idea.

But I digress.

The real thing I want to talk about is the fact that after planning this thing for years, the best culmination of British culture, star power and public interest they could muster was a Spice Girls Reunion.

And no one was even mad about it.

Sure, half the Olympians watching don't even KNOW the words to Scary Spice's pseudo-rap in Wannabe due to the fact that they were born after 1994 (appalling), but I like that the UK considered them beloved enough across the board to make their performance the big finale. Because the truth is, if the Spice Girls weren't reuniting Sunday night, would any of us have watched the closing ceremonies? The answer is no. No we would not.

Everything else was basically a Super Bowl halftime show, and you know it.

And y'know what, I say power to the Spice Girls. They were awesome for about 2.5 years, faded into pop culture history and just waited for the rest of the world to call THEM. They didn't have to beg to be back in the spotlight like the Backstreet Boys do every two years (I love them, but it's true). They went about their lives until the OLYMPICS called and asked them to be the main event. Doing. It. Right.

I'd be okay with being a Spice Girl right about now. Some might be ashamed to have that legacy, but not me.

Know why? They have been successful, productive members of society and got to join together to perform at the Olympics, basically just for the fun of it (and probably the millions of dollars they were paid). Who wouldn't want to reprise one of the best guilty-pleasure hits of all time on top of cars, looking as naturally-aged as ever, bringing joy to the entire world? No one, that's who.

Here is what the life of a former Spice Girl looks like:

Geri Halliwell (Ginger Spice) - maintains solid success in music in the UK, writes autobiographies (which I have now decided I must read) Emma Bunton (Baby Spice) - can now tout the title "singer/songwriter," also maintains solid success in the UK Mel B (Scary Spice) - also maintains solid musical success, has her own style reality show, is a judge on the X Factor Australia, and HAD A BABY WITH EDDIE MURPHY. I'm not sure how I missed that. Mel C (Sporty Spice) - holds the third position for MOST UK NUMBER ONE's by a female artist. This is real life. Victoria Beckham (Posh Spice) - wife to David Beckham. Oh and has a fashion line or something, but mostly wife to David Beckham and mother of beautiful children. (winning either way)

So basically it rules to be a Spice Girl, and no one knew it until now.

Congratulations, Spices. You are what is right with the world. Thanks for not doing drugs and ruining my childhood.

What was your favorite part of the opening or closing ceremonies?

What I Have In Common With a Fictional Neurotic Teenager

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Holden Caulfield is crazy. Let's be honest. He's as crazy as his name is awesome.

But many things about his character resonated with me, and I really enjoyed reading Catcher in the Rye.

I've been on a mini-quest to read some books considered "classics" by most but that I've never read. I really enjoy reading fiction, as evidenced by last Thursday's post, and I figured there had to be something to these books to make them so popular and revered so widely as great stories.

So I just finished The Catcher in the Rye. (I almost always leave off the "The" when I talk about it. I feel like I should at least once call it by its official name. Do ol' J.D. Salinger justice.)

Anyway, I really enjoyed it. On its face it doesn't really have a point, I suppose. It doesn't really have your typical beginning, middle and end. I mean, it does in a sense, but it's much more subtle and you can't really figure out why Holden is telling you all this.

You're also stuck inside Holden's head, which doesn't really allow for much of a level-headed, unbiased perspective. It's a bit of a rambling recap of the escapade that was his last 48 hours, but I very much enjoyed it.

Primarily because I loved Holden as a character and could identify with a lot of his characteristics.

So here are the things I loved and identified with most about this kid:

1) His rejection of all things "phony." Holden takes this idea to the extreme--to the point where he has little tolerance for anyone he comes into contact with. He lacks any sort of grace for people he sees as "phony" (which is most people). But I do appreciate that he wants people to be genuine and is fed up with all the pretense. I also like that he admits that some of it is necessary to life and, he hates the fact that he subscribes to the same thing himself.

For example, when observing the fact that he says "Glad to have met ya" to someone he was not, in fact, glad to have met at all, he succumbs, "if you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though."

I totally identify with him on this anti-phony sentiment. Of course, I don't take it to the level that he does, but I am drawn to what I see as genuine and put off by what I feel is fake. And I, too, see the necessity for the little phony-isms here and there, even though I see the ridiculousness of it just like he does.

2) His understanding that not everything is black and white. This was one of my absolute favorite quotes in the book, and it's in the first 10 pages:

And yet I still act sometimes like I was only about twelve. Everybody says that, especially my father. It's partly true, too, but it isn't all true. People always think something's all true.

I love that. I, too, hate feeling like I am misrepresented--that one of my characteristics overshadowed the rest and someone I don't know very well might assume that's how I am all the time. I know that's also something to concern myself less with, but it still happens.

I get the feeling that's what Holden was saying in that sentence. Nothing is 100 percent one way or the other. It's almost always a blend, and we have to be careful to make generalizations.

3) His desire to protect the innocent. Holden knows that life isn't pretty. He knows things aren't what they should be and that bad things happen. But he still strives to protect those that don't know it yet. Deep down, I think even he doesn't really want to grow up too fast.

One of my favorite parts of the book is when he writes a letter to his little sister Phoebe to meet him during her lunch break from school, and he goes to her school to deliver it. He sits down on the staircase, then says:

But while I was sitting down, I saw something that drove me crazy. Somebody'd written 'F*** you' on the wall. It drove me damn near crazy. I thought how Phoebe and all the other little kids would see it, and how they'd wonder what the hell it meant, and then finally some dirty kid would tell them - all cockeyed, naturally - what it meant, and how they'd all think about it maybe even worry about it for a couple of days. I kept wanting to kill whoever wrote it.

He rubs the phrase off the wall. Then after delivering the letter, he continues:

I went down by a different staircase, and I saw another 'F*** you' on the wall.I tried to rub it off with my hand again, but this one scratched on, with a knife or something. It wouldn't come off. It's hopeless, anyway. Even if you had a million years to do it, uou couldn't rub out even half the "F*** you" signs in the world. It's impossible.

Finally, when he is seeking solace later in a quiet spot in the museum, he sees another one written in red crayon on the wall and laments:

That's the whole trouble. You can't ever find a place that's nice and peaceful, because there isn't any. You may think there is, but once you get there, when you're not looking, somebody will sneak up and write "F*** you" right under your nose.Try it sometime. I think, even, if I ever die, and they stick me in a cemetary, and I have a tombstone and all, it'll say "Holden Caulfield" on it, and then what year I was born and what year I died, then right under that it'll say "F*** you." I'm positive, in fact.

[Censoring my own. :)]

I love that he wants to protect the world from its own badness, but he can't. He realizes it's impossible, but he still tries. I love that nobility. Especially in a 17-year-old.

If you want an enjoyable, quick read that you can still learn from, I highly recommend Catcher in the Rye.

What's your favorite character in a classic novel? (Or, if you've read "Catcher," what's your favorite or least favorite thing about Holden?)

How LOST Is Kind Of Like Jane Eyre

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If you've somehow made your way over to TV Asylum just to peer at us from behind the glass like a zoo and observe us TV-obsessed folk in our natural habitat, this post might make you angry. Because I assume if you're the type of person who thinks TV is a waste of time and making us all dumber and whatnot, you're probably also the kind of person that is going to reject the comparison I'm about to make.

TV shows have become functionally similar to books.

There, I said it. Literature majors (if you're out there), take a moment to shake with rage, then come back. Or don't. Y'know, whatever. Go read a book. That's cool too.

Anyway, the way I mean this is not in the fact that they are necessarily as educational or contain the same ability to make one more cultured by indulging in it, but in the way we now treat them in our culture.

I say "now," because it wasn't always this way.

Before DVR, before TV-on-DVD, before we had any way to watch TV shows after they aired besides literally taping them or hoping for syndication re-runs, you watched the shows you watched, and when they were over, they were over. If you missed it, you just never got on board that train and made your peace with it (I assume. I was born in 1988 so I don't have a lot of experience in this era.)

But the dawn of recordable, replay-able TV series has introduced a culture shift.

TV shows can be considered almost works of art, much like books, passed along from one person to another. They can develop a reputation--even become "classics" that everyone should see.

It's no longer "did you watch Friday Night Lights?" it's "have you watched Friday Night Lights?" And if the answer is "no," the response can (and will) be, "you HAVE to watch it." Much in the same way we would recommend a book: "have you read Catcher in the Rye? You have to read it."

We've collected a proverbial library of TV shows via Netflix and DVD's. We have a plethora of TV shows that have already come and gone, yet we still have access to them. We can peruse the shelf and say, "Hm, everyone says Arrested Development was good. I think I'll give that a shot."

TV shows that are currently on the air only make up a portion of what we are viewing as a culture. I just caught up on past seasons of Parks and Rec and am currently traveling through Friday Night Lights, and those shows have been our priorities all summer. Not So You Think You Can Dance? or…what else is on during the summer, again?

It may be somewhat of a detriment to shows currently on the air, in that less shows will get attention simply because they are on TV, but I think this gives great shows much more longevity and challenges TV shows to be greater.

I love this about TV. For one, I feel like it makes us more of a community. We're inviting people to watch shows we thought were amazing so that we can all be a part of the same group and talk about it. Maybe that's just the TVA inside of me talking, but I think it can apply outside of this safe-haven, too.

What TV show do you consider a "classic" (regardless of its age)?

Missing Out on Mars and Mohawks

Fellow Americans, I have a bone to pick with you, and it has to do with outer space. WHY did no one tell me we were landing a rover on Mars Monday night?

Was the 7th interview about Missy Franklin's contact with the Biebs so important that NBC couldn't be bothered to tell us we were PARACHUTING a vehicle-sized science-mobile onto a foreign planet and the whole thing was going to be televised? I mean, anyone who knows me even remotely well would know that I never oppose talking about the Biebs. But really? This is history, here guys.

Shame on you, Bob Costas. I don't know why, but I blame you. Or Ryan Seacrest. He was too busy telling us that everyone in the world uses Facebook a lot and still uses it a lot during the Olympics, like it was some testament to the human ability to use technology, to be bothered by something that actually was a testament to the human ability to use technology. Sigh.

So yesterday morning whilst making my rounds on the Twittersphere and CNN, I learned that we (I say "we" like a collective "we," because the Olympics are happening and we're all part of the same team if we live in the same country, right?) not only successfully landed a hunk of high-tech machinery on Mars, but that one of the people responsible is...awesome.

Introducing: Mohawk Guy (y'know, unless you've read the news in the last 24 hours. If so, please just humor me.)

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See, baby boomers? 20-something handsome hipsters CAN be productive members of society. You thought it couldn't be done. You thought stars emblazoned in the side of someone's head were reserved for hoodlums and Dennis Rodman. But you were wrong, because this young man has changed all that. (I call him a young man because I feel like that's what people with no confidence in our generation would call him.)

With the help of a single dollop of hair gel and an eccentric barber, Bobak Ferdowski is making science cool, one mohawk at a time.

Sure, he probably got made fun of in elementary school/middle school for liking science, but WHERE ARE YOU NOW, bullies? Not on TV slash all over Twitter slash starring in your own meme-cycle, that's for sure. These are the kinds of accolades you want in 2012. We can't all be Hey Girl or Gersberms, but he has reached that pinnacle.

You go, mohawk guy. You go.

Let it be known that this is one of my favorite things about pop culture in America: we are exploring Mars with a sophisticated, cutting-edge machine, and we managed to pull an Internet sensation out of it.

Never mind the fact that some older less-mohawky guys likely did just as much work on this project. They don't have cool hair or a tumblr page or rugged good looks, so PUH. Give us Bobak.

After they took away Pluto AND the space shuttle program, this is the least NASA could have done for us. It's nice to know there is still something for us to hope in.

Maybe mohawk guy will inspire a whole new generation of astronauts and/or aerospace scientists and they will reinstate the shuttle program AND bring back Pluto because they remember a time when Pluto was a planet.

One can only dream.

Godspeed, Mohawk Guy. May you discover awesome things and, when the time comes, choose cooler people than Lance Bass to try to launch into space.

Where were you when we landed Curiosity on Mars? I was asleep. No thanks to Seacrest.

Why Fiction Captures Me

Photobucket Last year I started reading. Like, really reading.

I made it my goal to finish two books that year. Yep, two. But I had gotten really good at starting books and never finishing them, so the very important distinction of this goal was to finish two books, not just read two books.

In retrospect I think a lot of my inability to finish books was at least partially due to the fact that they were almost always nonfiction books. Typically Christian nonfiction, to be specific.

I'm not in any way opposed to nonfiction, nor do I think it is less important to read than fiction, but for me it's a lot easier to quit a book 2/3 of the way through if I've already gotten the gist of the subject or it's wrapped up into chapters that can more or less stand alone. They often lack the suspense or intrigue carrying me into the next chapter that I get from fiction.

I also feel like I already get an earful of people talking their opinions and/or expertise at me in real life all day long, especially online. Twitter, blogs, CNN, Facebook, you name it.* So it's nice to take a break from it and use my imagination instead, particularly in the middle of my daily 8-hour staring contest with my iMac.

In light of all this, I've decided a big part of balancing the signal-to-noise ratio in my life is reading fiction.

I like to read stories with beginnings, middles, and ends. I like to get to know characters. I like to have fun when I read. I like to be entertained but also maybe learn something at the same time.

I also think there's something special about someone who can write compelling fiction.

It takes a special kind of knack. To write fiction, you have to create something out of nothing and make people believe in it. You have to suck people into a world that only exists in your head using just words on a page, one by one. That takes skill.

Right now I'm reading The Catcher in the Rye. I've never read it before. In fact, I've never read most "classic" novels. I read Pride and Predjudice as my first book in my reading revival, but other than that I haven't really read any since high school, and those I was forced to read.

Anyway, I'm loving Catcher in the Rye already. It sucked me in from the first sentence. I've sped through almost half the book already in just a couple days. Not all fiction is this great of course, but this is what I love about it. It's skillful yet entertaining, and I still feel like I'm learning about what it was like in that time period as well as how to reveal profound truth through storytelling.

I'm not saying that nonfiction writers are less talented than fiction writers. Not at all. Nonfiction has its place, of course. There are a lot of people out there who are much smarter than me who I'm thankful are gracious enough to share their knowledge and experience with others.

But give me Harry Potter or give me death.

*I admit this is largely my own fault for reading this stuff. I'm actually trying to cut back thanks to this article I read telling me all about how the internet is altering our sense of being and leading to anxiety issues, which is totally plausible to me. Michael Hyatt has a great podcast on how to protect yourself from the negatives of the internet without becoming Amish, if you're interested.

Do you prefer fiction or nonfiction? Why?

The Voice's New Achilles' Heel

It has come to my attention that The Voice is adding another celebrity judge. Well, not so much a judge as much as Christina Aguilera's little helper. Because I'm pretty sure all four original judges are still there. I know, it doesn't really make any sense, but hey, NBC is known to make some sketch decisions lately. So according to EW, the role of Christina's Little Helper will be played by Billie Joe Armstrong. Yep, that's right, of Green Day fame.

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No. Just...no.

I don't even watch The Voice, and I can't stand idly by and let this pass as an acceptable decision. (Though thanks to one of NBC's aforementioned sketch decision of canceling The Sing Off and American Idol's mediocrity I may end up watching it this year.)

Here are three very good reasons why this is a terrible idea:

1) This career move ruins any shred of punk-rock he had left. I'm not going to sit around and say Billie Joe Armstrong is the edgiest rockstar that ever lived, because he's not. There is a Broadway musical based on his songs. But he has been a part of a popular punk rock band since like 1990, and I feel like that gives you some sort of street cred (or whatever the equivalent of street cred is in the punk-rock scene).

But being a part of The Voice? Sure, Adam Levine can pull it off and still be a rock star because a) he is fantastic and b) he never even remotely tried to be the rebellious, political, all-black-wearing frontman. He does ADHD commercials and sings like a dream and hangs out with Wiz Khalafia. Billie Joe I'm not so sure can come out on the other side of this. Even the die-hard Green Day fans (I assume they exist) will probably bail on him at this point. Let's just be honest.

2) His voice is the worst, and this show revolves around one thing and one thing only: voices. Why do we want him teaching others to emulate his? His voice is like...a teenager who got really, really upset about the fact that he has to clean his room and inexplicably decided to throw on a nose plug and drone dejectedly into a microphone about it. "Moy shaaa-doh's only won that woalks besoid me..." No. Put that nonsense away. You are literally 40 years old. Stop whining.

3) He is about as versatile as a whisk. A whisk does one thing and one thing only. You can't pick up pasta with it. You can't use it as a utensil. You can only whisk things because it is a whisk. That is what Billie Joe is like. He can play three power chords and sing songs that are only slight variations on his other songs. Seriously, go listen to any given Green Day song. Same thing over and over again. He can only Billie Joe things because he is Billie Joe. And not everyone wants to be Billie Joe. In fact, I would wager that no one wants to be Billie Joe. Why are we even doing this?

For a person with a name that is so close to mirroring awesomeness (Billy Joel and Lance and/or Stretch and/or Neil Armstrong come to mind...), you would think he'd be better at life.

Who's your favorite judge on The Voice?

The Rise and Fall of Avril Lavigne

Photobucket Avril Lavigne.

She's irrefutably well-known in pop culture, yet somehow remains simultaneously off-the-radar. Though the term "one-hit-wonder" would seem a misnomer for this Canadian songstress due to her roster of chart-toppers, it also seems eerily accurate in light of her ability to reemerge approximately every three years, flooding the Top 40 airwaves with one tune only to immediately crumble back into obscurity until her next album launch. And no matter what, pop music seems to open its doors to welcome her back in every single time, if for only a moment.

Her atypical journey is one worth sharing, and luckily I am here to tell it (because I'm fairly certain no one else is).

ERA I: Complicated.

I'll admit it, I contemplated wearing a tie with a t-shirt more than once. I went to her concert. I wore a black belt with grommets in it. I weighed in on the controversy about whether or not Avril could call herself a "punk." (That was when being "punk" was a thing.) Oh, you didn't hear about that controversy? Probably because you weren't scene. Or in 9th grade at the time. Not my best moments. But I digress.

What I thought she did was bring punk-style and rock into the mainstream and represent the female singers of the world who didn't want to be Britney Spears (a.k.a. me in 9th grade). What she actually did was write a super catchy pop song and popularize heavy eyeliner and allow girls to say the word "dude."

Either way, Avril was on top. She wore Vans. She played guitar (moderately). She said "damn." Yep, Avril was the would-be rebel that somehow still managed to brush elbows with Carson on TRL.

ERA II: Sophomore Plateau

After the Complicated era, Avril put out a sophomore album entitled "Under My Skin," which to most people was probably considered a relative bust. It got some moderate airplay, but didn't live up to her debut album. But not to me.

My best friend and I totally rocked that album back and forth to the lake that summer, and I may or may not have played "My Happy Ending" (anyone?) at a talent competition which I think was put on by the Boys & Girls' club, and therefore let's just say I was the only one playing pop music. But some girls told me I sounded just like Avril, so take that for what you will.

ERA III: Girlfriend

This was the peak of my disappointment in ol' Avril. Not only had she gone from the thoughtful (albeit overdramatic) lyrics on her second album to "hey hey you you I don't like your girlfriend...think you need a new one," but in my opinion she had abandoned her edgy guitar-playing persona completely in a last-ditch effort to stay relevant in 2007.

Spoiler alert: it worked.

Sure, "Girlfriend" still had a bit of the devil-may-care attitude Avril had become known for, but with more of a Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls type of way rather than Lindsay Lohan in Freaky Friday kind of way.

Around this time, Avril went blonder-than-blonde and started wearing a lot more pink.

It should also be noted that at some point she married and divorced the lead singer of Sum 41, which I can only assume was an attempt to get back to her roots gone terribly wrong. After all, he too was a Canadian pop-punk one-hit-wonder. The realization that she was no longer the edgy tie-wearing mall crasher she used to be probably made him walk. That had to be it, right?

She did, however, release "Keep Holding On," during this era, which could actually be considered a legitimate song. So she had that going for her.

ERA IV: What the Hell/Self Promotion

I think at this point, knowing she had been out-cooled by Hayley Williams in every way and without any hope of going back, Avril decided to go big or go home in the pop music market.

Luckily, so had I, and "What the Hell" rekindled my affinity for Avril Lavigne. Not to the same extent of course--I didn't buy her album or anything, but I also didn't change the station when when this song came on the radio.

She also utilized her resurgence in pop culture to manufacture a fragrance as well as a clothing line, which she promoted every three seconds in the music video for "What The Hell." Smart, Avril. Cross-promotion. I see what you did there.

ERA V: Slow news day.

This brings us to 2012 in which Avril has done nothing of note, EXCEPT being photographed by the paparazzi in this un-newsworthy abomination of a photo which inspired this entire blog post.

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Oh Avril. You've come too far to have your beach escapades be the only thing you have going for you in the world of pop culture news.

But good for you for fighting to keep the whole trucker-hat thing alive. There aren't enough people on that effort.

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Who's your favorite one-hit-wonder?

When Octomoms Make Commercials

Once upon a time, I was minding my own business, watching Justin Bieber in concert on Fuse (no one's shocked), when a commercial the likes of which have never been seen graced my Vizio screen. It begins with someone we are all well acquainted with, staring straight into the camera and tentatively stating "I think it's on," while pretending to adjust it.

Do you want to know who this person is?

In 800 million years you will never guess. Unless you have seen the title of this post. Then you might guess.

Are you ready for this?

It's OCTOMOM. The one and only Nadya Suleman. In a commercial.

Just wait. It gets better.

Octomom proceeds to introduce herself ("you may know me as Octomom," she quips...no one knows you as anything else, Octo.) and sympathize with us that she knows how difficult it can be to take care of a lot of kids, especially when unexpected things happen that you have to pay for. (SIGH. SO TRUE, OCTOMOM, SO TRUE.)

But guys, don't even worry for a second. Why? Are you sitting down?

Because now there is OCTOLOAN.COM.

Yep. That is a real live thing. Not only does Octomom endorse a loan company, but it is named after her.

To prove it, I will post the commercial below, which, by the way, has a losing record of 127 dislikes and 6 likes on YouTube, and also has comments disabled. Again, no one's shocked.

So without further ado, I present to you, Octoloan.com:

As I usually do, I have several questions and/or concerns about this commercial (only a few of which I have outlined below).

1. Really? Octomom? That's who this group thinks is a good person to emulate?

Yes, people will see Octomom, empathize with her and say, "Yes, Octomom, my life is hard! You really understand me!" and then ask for a loan from this previously unknown source named after Octomom. It's brilliant! Brilliant, I say! [perhaps even insert a maniacal laugh here, which would be appropriate considering this whole endeavor is clearly a sinister plot to torture the American TV-watching public.]

Octomom is not even famous anymore. Her 15 minutes were up as soon as those babies turned one week old. Get someone else and rename your loan service. How hard is it to just name it something like "Bad-Decision-Loan.com" and leave it at that?

2. The fine print says that Octomom has never utilized these services and is solely serving as a spokesperson. Even though she literally says "Take it from someone who's been there." I'm not sure what their angle is. Who are they marketing to? This commercial ran on Fuse, which is a music channel. During a Justin Bieber concert. Do they think other fellow septomoms and sextomoms are just sitting around watching Justin Bieber? No. They are chasing multiple children around the house because they realize they have multiple children running around the house. They aren't making commercials about loan services with terrible names, either.

This commercial makes Ken Nugent look credible.

3. The voice. Oh, the voice. It kind of sounds like Janice from Friends if she had grown up in the midwest and gotten lip injections in an attempt to look like Angelina Jolie. Again I ask, why do you want Octomom to be your spokesperson? By virtue of the name itself, said person has to speak. Which involves voices.

Do you see where I'm going with this, random lawyers with terrible marketing strategies? Do you see how ridiculous this is? Yes...that feeling starting to well up inside you is called regret. Embrace it, cry about it for a minute, then shut this down. No good can come from it.

What's your least favorite commercial?

The Living Room of Every Sitcom Ever

 

Some people say variety is the spice of life. They like to change it up, try new things, experiment.

Set designers for family-oriented sitcoms are clearly not those people.

Whether due to pure laziness or merely relentless resourcefulness, I do not know, but the sitcom has one classic living room setup which varies only slightly--if at all-- from show to show.

Family Matters, Growing Pains, Full House, Kenan and Kel, Boy Meets World...even newer Disney shows like Good Luck Charlie are keeping the sitcom layout alive.

To show you what I mean, allow me to take you on a mental tour of the sitcom living room. Visualize it with me.

Our journey begins at the left side of the set.

To your far left, you will first see the front door. Opening to the fake outside world and usually featuring a fancy window, this door has consistently let in unwanted characters, nosy neighbors and police officers returning rebellious children episode after episode. An optional addition to the front door is a platform which lets down into the living room itself (see: Full House). It's not a requirement, but it has been known to make an appearance more than once.

As we turn our gaze slightly to the right, you will soon notice a staircase. Most often the lower steps are set facing the audience, then the upper steps curve to the right as they ascend, sometimes creating a hallway overlooking the living room. The staircase is perhaps the feature which displays the most variation in design, but is always in the same spot relative to the door.

Moving right along, in the center of the room you will see a couch facing you. It may be bright blue, it may be plaid, it may be floral. It is, however, never leather (that is too high-class to be relatable). This couch is often where characters watch TV, have sentimental chats whilst gentle string music plays, sit awkwardly with boyfriends while the father asks questions, you name it. If it happens in the living room, chances are it will take place on or around this couch. (There's also usually a table behind the couch with vases and lamps and books and whatnot.)

Finally as we make our way to the far right of the living room you will notice a door to the kitchen. But not just any door, oh no. A swinging door. Always. Every time. I have yet to see a sitcom in this style with a real door and/or no door at all to the kitchen.

Much like the platform, a pass-through is also optional on the wall separating the kitchen and the living room. This allows characters in the living room to easily interact with characters in the kitchen, for example, when a clumsy character has been sent to prepare food and needs to assure the gathering in the living room that everything is fine, when, in fact, it is not fine. Or when someone needs to spy on a conversation they aren't supposed to hear which is taking place in the living room. I have seen this most often in Disney Channel or Nickelodeon sit-coms.

NOTE: The Cosby Show also follows this formula, except in the mirror image. It's the paradox of the sitcom universe, varying from the formula yet keeping it exactly the same.

 

This concludes our imaginary tour of 90s sitcom living rooms. I hope you enjoyed your experience. Please be sure to take your belongings with you on the way out.

What's your favorite family sitcom?

A Eulogy for the Flash Mob

Photobucket Grab a box of Kleenex and get comfortable you guys, because you're about to be moved.

The first time I became acquainted with the flash mob was probably about five or six years ago on YouTube. Back when "going viral" actually meant something and we appreciated an honest day's work.

I remember it like it was yesterday...

Actually, no. No I don't. I vaguely remember seeing a YouTube video set in a library with some musical theater kids bursting into some disney song or something.

But nevertheless, like the rest of America, I was infatuated.

The choreography I'd surely never be able to execute, the collaboration of hundreds of people for a common goal of DANCE, the looks on the unknowing spectators' faces when one person starts dancing alone and suddenly seemingly-ordinary passers-by join in, revealing they were in on the joke ALL ALONG... where's bad?

The flash mob grew in popularity with rapid determination, never discriminating between who could participate. Any man, woman or child who had the ability to construct even the loosest definition of jazz hands with rhythm exceeding that of a chimpanzee was invited.

It was everywhere. In shopping malls, in university common rooms, theme parks--basically anywhere there is a large gathering of people.

Soon the flash mob became not just a three-minute dose of joy for disgruntled patrons of the Gap, but a vehicle for marriage proposals and…um...probably other things, but mostly marriage proposals. It was the perfect way to get your friends involved and surprise your bride-to-be simultaneously.

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. What started as a celebration of human happiness everyone was secretly scribbling onto their bucket lists spiraled into it's-no-longer-cool-if-everyone's-doing-it-ville, much like Facebook or listening to Gotye. Exclamations of "Oh! A flash mob!" accompanied with extended viewership became "Oh...a flash mob" and a bee line towards the Sunglass Hut.

Sadly, this happens to all things innovative and cool. Eventually they are run into the ground by everyone on the planet. And that's not the flash mob's fault. It brought joy to many, it starred in its very own TV show hosted by Howie Mandel, it united many a betrothed couple, but all good things must come to an end. It's time to say goodbye.

So farewell, flash mob. You were good to us, and we will remember you fondly, but it's time to bury you. [cue that sad trumpet march they play at funerals]

You were a good trend--much better than planking or the Macarena. May you live in infamy.

Have you ever been a part of a flash mob? Let's share our stories to honor its memory.

On the Massacre in Aurora, Colorado

I realize you may have read twelve blog posts or articles about the tragedy in Colorado by now. I also realize it might be somewhat cheesy to address something that so many others are already doing. I won't be telling you anything you don't know. It might be pointless. But I feel compelled to write a response to what has happened, and also I can't write something funny when my heart feels this heavy. I'm angry.

I'm angry at James Holmes. Like, livid-angry.

I don't know why this tragedy above all others is hitting me so hard. It makes me want to sob and scream at the same time.

I think it might be because it happened during something so ordinary.

When I think about the fact that all these 71 people wanted to do was watch the new Batman movie like everyone else in the country and they ended up losing their lives, my heart gets caught in my throat. They went to a movie and never came back.

All because some psychotic maniac thought it was his decision whether they lived or died.

How dare you, James. Who do you think you are?

How dare you think that just because you have some nonsense to prove, or were hurt by other people, or just see reality as fiction, that you have any sort of claim on anyone else's life.

Not only did you steal 12 lives, but you ruined at least 59 more, not to mention their family and friends.

Every time they see a Batman poster or the DVD in Target, they'll remember this day. It will probably take them years to even feel remotely comfortable walking in a theater again. They will have to go to therapy, both physical and emotional. They will be frightened. They will feel anxious. You have scarred them for life. You have left an irrevocable, deep bruise on their soul that may never heal.

And your stupid photo. Every time I see it I want to punch that damn arrogant smirk right off your idiot face. You stare at us from that photo like you're proud of yourself. I look in your eyes and this indignant burning sensation wells up in my stomach. How. Dare. You.

I can't even think of a word bad enough to call you, and I don't usually say those kinds of words at all. But you deserve it. You deserve much, much more than that.

There are some things that, in terms of consequences, are unforgivable. I hope your fate matches the gravity and pure evil of the horror you have committed. I believe that God can and will forgive you if you ask for it, but I also believe that God gives the government the authority to punish this kind of heinous crime, and I hope it does.

Despite all this, I believe God is good. I believe he is the source of all comfort and walks with us through the darkest of times, because he has for me and he has for my friends. I can't imagine what this feels like to walk through, whether a family member or friend of a victim, or a victim themselves.

But this world is not our home. Take heart, for Christ has overcome death. Even the darkness is not dark to God (Ps. 139).

He is our only hope and joy in a world that presses in on all sides and crushes our souls. Thank God for his unending grace. Thank God that he is sovereign and cares about our individual hearts. Thank God that he made a way for us to be reconciled to him so we can be delivered from the wretchedness that surrounds us on this earth. But thank God also that there is still love. There is still life and happiness and friendship. There is still community, and we walk through these times hand in hand with the common bond of suffering.

Psalm 46 says,

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea…"

In a lot of ways, when we look at the world, it feels like the earth has given way and the mountains are being moved into the heart of the sea. But we will not fear, for our God is greater.

Canada is beating us at money.

Ohhhh snap, y'all. We thought the day would never come. We thought the U.S. of A. would be number one in everything all the time always. But we were wrong, my friends, because this here is the year of the Canadians (see: Carly Rae Jepsen). Why? Because the average Canadian is now richer than the average American.

I don't know how they calculate it with the exchange rate and all, and I'm not really going to investigate. You can take that up with Time magazine (someone probably already has). But it's happening, you guys. While we're busy arguing over whose fault it is we're all fat, Canadians are secretly just plugging away making more money than us, Toonies and all.

It's actually important to note Ms. Jepsen in this post because now that I think about it, she's probably the main reason this is possible. She's making bank on the catchiest song ever heard by the human race because she actually co-wrote it.

The article's main point is that the average income in Canada is now higher than the average income in the states. I'm going to assume (incorrectly) that Carly's income is included in these figures, hiking up the average. ERGO she is to blame.

So, how do we come back from this?

It's not going to be easy, but I think if we work together we can do it. We can once again beat Canada in everything. Here's how:

1) Stop outsourcing pop stars. I wrote a post about this a few months ago (clearly no one in the American government reads my blog), so I won't spent much time on this. But JBiebs, Jepsen, Drake, One Direction (British, but Canada is basically the UK right?)…we've got to start manufacturing our own here, guys. We used to be a country of production. We used to make things, including pretty people who could sing and dance. But we've dropped the ball. We're spending too much time making youtube videos and not enough time training up future hit-factories. I elect Usher to lead this committee, since he's clearly very good at manufacturing pop stars. This time, go American though, Raymond, or you've let them win.

2) Let Canadian television borrow Ryan Seacrest for a while (for pay). He's good at his job and everything, but we could do without him for a couple years. "THIS…is Ca-NA-dian Idol!" Can we force him to do this against his will? Now I just want to see it happen.

3) Form a human fence across the Canadian border and demand five dollars from anyone going into America. This also creates jobs so, win/win. Link Number 3,294 (Night Shift) in the Canadian Border Fence would be a job title in this scenario. It would totally work.

I can't be expected to come up with all the ideas, okay? I'm no economist. I'm just a commentator no one asked to hear from. My job is to strike up conversations about the issues. But personally, I think there's something there with Human Fence.

What do you think we should do to fix this imbalance?