Making Fun of Hipsters Has Gone Mainstream

I have some news, you guys.

It's the latest installment of my probably-inconsequential observations about the human experience. At least for today.

I don't know if you've noticed this too, but there's a trend growing in them there hills, and it's spreading like wildfire:

Making fun of hipsters.

For a while, I think the majority of America didn't have access to hipsterdom. But it's not their fault. Until recently, the radio didn't play bands like Of Monsters and Men or Gotye or Bon Iver. Thick-rimmed glasses didn't really see the light of suburbia. But I think because hipster culture is being pushed into the spotlight (I say pushed because I imagine it is unwelcome), the masses are more and more aware of it.

I think knowing about hipster culture and subsequently mocking it is the new referencing-Facebook-in-real-life.

What I mean by that is, we used to reference Facebook in casual conversation as a way to note that we were in on The Latest Thing. This was before Facebook just let any yahoo with an email address sign up. No, no. These were the good ol' days, when Facebook was just for college students and app invites and timelines didn't exist. Remember Mini-Feeds? Remember our outrage? Sigh. If there was a Facebook Purist Party represented in this election, I would totally vote in favor of that person.

Anyway. Back in, say, 2007, we bashfully-but-secretly-cleverly threw out phrases like, "tag me!" and "wrote on my Facebook wall" both to ensure we got a copy of that picture from the party and to demonstrate the fact that we were ON FACEBOOK you guys.

Now Facebook is so engrained in our culture it's no longer clever to refer to it.

So I propose that mocking hipster culture is now serving that purpose.

It made an appearance in Taylor Swift's new song. I've seen "hipster" be a party theme multiple times via Facebook photos. It's woven throughout my news feed in the form of jokes.* It's all over Stuff Christians Like (sorry Jon. I'm not complaining, but it's true.). And you know when something has permeated Christian pop culture (it's a thing), it is officially behind the cool kid curve.

I'm not really sure what my point to this is other than to recognize that this is happening.

Though I will say that lately my definition of a hipster has gotten a little hazy. I feel like it's probably not hipster to be a cliche hipster, which now exists thanks to all the reasons I've mentioned above (Includes, but not limited to: fixed gear bicycles, holga cameras, thick-rimmed glasses, vintage clothes, ironic mustaches, vinyl records, suspenders). So what is a true hipster? Are all stylish 20-somethings in Nashville hipsters? Is my view totally skewed because I live in Nashville? I wear lots of v-necks and unnecessary scarves. Am I a hipster? This is getting super meta and existential and I think I need to get out while I can.

Have you noticed this trend? Where have you seen it play out?

*Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool. HEYO.

Go On: Community's More Relatable Cousin

You may remember my snap judgment post on Matthew Perry's new show, Go On. If not, essentially I said that it was promising and I (surprisingly) liked it so far. [Saved you approximately six whole minutes of your life, right there.].

I'd like to revisit the show to tell you that it is, in fact, great.

I'm super impressed by both NBC and Matthew Perry's ability to collaborate and produce something not only not-terrible, but quite good.

I laugh out loud, I connect to the characters, and I'm especially loving the Community-esque group dynamic.

I think it's the show's particular brand of group dynamic that makes it uniquely enjoyable.

It's neither Community nor Friends, but somehow blends the characteristics of the two in the best way.

Community is quirk-tastic, which makes for great off-the-wall humor, but it lacks the emotional, down-to-earth side Friends brought to the table. Phoebe was the quirkiest member of the Friends cast, but she was essentially "The Quirky One" in a cast of relatively-normals. With Go On, it's actually the inverse--Matthew Perry plays the every-man and the rest of the people in the group are the quirky ones.

The characters in Go On are without a doubt quirky, similar to Community, but they are rounded out with the emotional, down-to-earth side that Community lacks.

The group itself, I think, becomes the main character, more so even than Matthew Perry's character. They're family already and we're only a few weeks in. Whereas in Community the group is a family in the sense that they argue all the time and act like they don't like each other but secretly do, the Go On cast openly admits they like their weird group and help each other out--but still calling each other out when they do something particularly outrageous.

I like the balance.

They're more like a functional family (a real life functional family, not a perfect family) and Community is all kinds of dysfunctional. I think with Go On, the age gaps and shared real life tragedy grounds them all enough to care about one another instead of their own selfish motives, which I think most of the Community cast has yet to learn.

Of course, Go On is a completely different style of show than Community. It's probably not going to have a cult following and won't do an entire episode like Law & Order or within the Dreamatorium.

But I think the ensembles have a similar setup--all brought together by something outside of themselves--for Community, Spanish. For Go On, life tragedy. They didn't choose each other, and they see themselves as a family, whether functional or not.

Have you given Go On a shot yet? If so, what do you think? Another ex-Friend flop or worth investing in?

What Kate Gosselin Has Been Doing With Her Time

Kate Gosselin (remember her?) is apparently not only still getting work, but still being terrible at it.

I literally laughed out loud when I read this headline:

Kate Gosselin fired from blogging job

Not just any blogging job. A blogging job on a coupon website.

Really? Really, Kate? Blogging is something literally anyone with an internet connection and the ability to string remotely coherent sentences together can do. And yet, here you are.

I've looked into this for nearly a full 30 minutes now, and it seems that she provided tips to the couponing community over at CouponCabin.com.  And those couponers were NOT having it. Any of it. Nearly every comment I saw on her recent posts were berating her for horrible ideas or getting in arguments with other couponers.

Lesson learned: do NOT upset the couponers. They are a very organized group with a lot of passion and apparently expendable time on their hands.

I'm not really sure what CouponCabin's angle was by hiring her in the first place. She only started 11 months ago. She has been the suburban soccer-mom version of Snooki since about 2008. They had plenty of time to see her terribleness play out before this happened. Who were they hoping to win over?

Apparently there were no focus groups during the "research" phase of this marketing strategy.

I do have to hand it to the couponers for forming a virtual angry mob every time she posted, though. The only enjoyable parts of those "articles" were seeing photos of her kids grown up (they are adorable, and they shouldn't be punished for their parents' combined awfulness). Most of it was kind of like watching Lucille Bluth try to figure out how much to pay for a banana except less amusing.

One of her tips was essentially, "have a pool." It saves money on entertainment. Oh, Kate. That's adorable. Not a money-saving tip. Not even a little bit.

Well, no worries. This just frees her up to spend more time hosting cruises. Because she did that, too. Are these companies just hemorrhaging extra money or something? Why else would they let this happen?

Really though, I loved those Gosselin kids. I wish Kate would just shut up, go back to being a nurse (I think that's what she did) and take care of them.

Would you ever take a cruise if you knew Kate Gosselin was hosting it? Why or why not?

Event Planning, Shmevent Planning

So this week is the week of a conference the PR firm I work at has been planning essentially all year long. It's an annual thing, and this year I am in charge of nearly all the logistics. This basically boils down to the fact that this is totally a cop out post and I have nothing good to tell you today because I had zero time to write you something witty and/or profound. Or sassy and completely inconsequential.

Please don't be mad, okay?

I might be able to post one later this week, but until then, please enjoy this beautiful fall season.

And this video of Leslie Knope doing impressions. Have a great week!

Lindsay Lohan: Setting the Bar Lower With Each Passing Day

Alright.

Alright, alright, alright.

This has got to stop.

Literally every week of my life lately there is a new entertainment news story about some nonsense Lindsay Lohan has gotten herself into, and I am one hundred percent over it.

If she's going for shock value, she's ruined it for herself simply by the pure number of incidents she has been linked to in the past six weeks.

Let's review the ridiculous behavior we have seen permeate the internet in just that short amount of time:

1. August 28: Suspect in a burglary 
2. August 30: Ruining a priceless antique movie trailer that didn't belong to her
3. September 21: Charged with a hit & run/leaving the scene of an accident
4. September 30: Hotel "Scuffle" 
5. October 9: "Altercation" with her mother involving a $40k loan and cocaine accusations [Side note: don't you love how classless fights are always called 'altercations' to make them sound less ghetto? See: Chris Brown]

I mean, I kind of want to be impressed. I imagine it's hard to be that much of a trainwreck without trying just a little bit. But you know what? I don't think she tries at all. She just really is The Worst Ever Of All Time, and she just bumbles through life existing as such. Kind of like a drunk elephant trying to navigate a megachurch mid-service.

By now, she's clearly reached the point of no return. When someone says "Lindsay Lohan," no one on the planet is going to associate it with anything worthwhile. At least Snooki has a somewhat cute baby and an SNL weekend update parody going for her. Someone on the face of the earth might consider her a respectable human being. Lohan, not so much.

It almost makes me wish Tina Fey would just expunge Lindsay's existence from Mean Girls because she doesn't deserve it anymore. Like the NCAA does with championship titles. Just take it away from her. That movie is gold, and Lindsay is by far the weakest link in it. The movie is quite possibly the most successful thing she's done, and she is ruining it more day after day. Just recast her and refilm the whole thing. Or use photoshop. Y'know, whatever. Like anyone would even be mad.

Get out of here, Lindsay. Just…just go.

This is what's called tough love. We're kicking you out of being a person. You can come back when you learn to behave yourself even just a little tiny bit. That's all we ask. Behave yourself, like, a Lady Gaga amount. That is not a high bar. She puked on stage and regularly shows us too much of her body, and I still think she has more class than you.

So all that to say, get it together, Lindsay. We're exhausted just from reading your headlines and your statements saying you just really want to focus on your work COUGHinalifetimemovieCOUGH.

Who do you think should replace Lindsay in Mean Girls? I vote Emma Stone. Because she is the anti-Lohan. Meaning she is The Best Ever Of All Time.

SkyMall Highlights, October 2012 Edition

I've come to the conclusion that the target market of SkyMall magazine is this very specific demographic: people who have no hair, pets they want no interaction with whatsoever, and bad posture.

This bald hunchback looking for a way get out of feeding his cat is gonna get hooked UP.

SkyMall is one of the best parts about flying, am I right?

I think they just keep producing them solely for entertainment purposes and make their money on ads rather than actually selling anything. They're there in case you run out of time to go by Houston News on the way to your gate and therefore can't catch up on your celebrity gossip. That has to be how they stay afloat. Not actual sales of this nonsense. And even then they must only break even given the cost of printing and distribution.

I mean, who looks at SkyMall and is like, yes, I need to make that call as soon as I am allowed to turn back on my approved cellular device when we land? Even if you did want something you saw, you'd just go google it and probably find it on Amazon for cheaper with free shipping.

Additional question: is it a required trait that anything in Skymall must look ridiculous when worn and/or used? I submit that it most definitely is.

Anyway, in light of my recent trip to Pennsylvania and the gems I found in the current edition of the illustrious SkyMall, I thought I'd do a review of sorts, in case you don't have the privilege of flying any time in the near future.

Grow what looks like a flesh-eating fungus in your very own house--with your kids! It almost definitely won't overtake your home and family while you sleep.

Number one thing husbands and wives do not do happily together: wear posture correctors and like it. At best this would be something a husband did in order to shut up his nagging wife, and really, who wants to be that couple? Come to think of it, who wants to be the Couple with Matching Perfect Posture? We're done here.

For people who got a pet, then had a kid and forgot about the pet.

A hiccup stopper. Know what also works to stop hiccups? About 15 other methods that are not $19.99 plus shipping and handling. Changing your breathing pattern. Hanging upside down and swallowing water. Waiting like 10 minutes. All of the above are effective methods of ridding yourselves of hiccups. Sure, hanging upside down and swallowing water may make you look dumb too, but at least you didn't pay 20 bucks to do it.

All this time rural folk have thought they've been seeing real live bigfeet, but no, it was merely the misguided shenanigans of someone who had been on a plane recently and also had too much expendable income and time on his hands. Sorry, Bobo. But hey, this will save you having to do a couple reenactments.

Also if you're not purchasing this fake bigfoot to fool simple country folk, you need to reevaluate your life choices. And budgetary decisions. Because trickery is the only valid reason for purchasing this item.

Guys. Guys. You guys. Forget Rogaine. Forget Hair Club for Men. The spacepod hair growth enhancer helmet is FINALLY here. Nevermind the fact that we've already established the average helmet is a fashion faux-pas, let's add tiny lasers and throw a lowercase "i" in front of the name and just round this thing out with a whole new level of terrible.

Sometimes embracing baldness is more attractive than wearing a glorified salon hair-dryer contraption on your head, y'know?

ALSO aren't lasers used to remove hair as well? How can lasers both remove unwanted hair and grow back wanted hair? Do lasers have the power to discern which is the desired effect? Are there different types of hair-related lasers? Is this all a trick? Someone buy a spacepod hair-growing device and report back.

Thus concludes the highlights of the SkyMall magazine, October 2012 edition. Please go forth knowing these things exist in real life.* Except maybe the bigfoot. Might be worth it. It's almost halloween, right?

What's the worst thing you've ever seen in SkyMall? Would you ever consider purchasing any of the products I mentioned above?

*Or do they? New theory: SkyMall is a fraud and uses stock photos to compile the images in the catalog, knowing that no one will actually call to order one of the products displayed. Just a theory.

Nicki Minaj vs. Mariah Carey: It's already happening.

In today's not-shocking news, Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey have already managed to have a tiff during American Idol auditions. Apparently Nicki Minaj cussed Mariah out over who knows what. The video (below) is pretty unintelligible, but it's strategically bleeped out so at least you can tell where all the REALLY bad words were said.

Honestly, I ask you, did we not all see this coming?

When you scrape the bottom of the class barrel for judges and come out with Nicki and Mariah, you've got to know what you're getting into. It was only a matter of time.`

You can't let a wild boar loose in a YMCA (which is the organizational equivalent of American Idol, right?) and expect it to behave like a teacup pig just because there are kids around. I mean, come on guys. This is Nicki Minaj we're talking about, and Mariah Carey, whose ego likely matches the size of her vocal range. She's not going to just sit there and take Nicki Minaj's particularly loud brand of sass.

As a side note-- when judges fight, it's about 100 different kinds of awkward. It's kind of like the dinner party episode of The Office where Jan and Michael can't get it together and everyone just has to watch it go down while they try in vain to cover it up and act like everything's fine. I just want to leave the room until they've had time to cool down. I feel like contestants should be allowed to do that.

All I can say is, poor Keith Urban. Poor, poor Keith Urban.

I warned you about this, Keith. I questioned your judgment (ironically, since you are going to be a judge) on this career decision as soon as I found out about it. I also found out from a reliable source (a.k.a. my friend Nick--shout out!) that he is getting paid significantly less than the other three.

WHAT IS YOUR ANGLE HERE, KEITH? Seriously. You are better than this.

You shouldn't have to be the proverbial designated driver here. You've got Seacrest for that, should it come down to it and you need a mediator. You shouldn't be forced to sit in between two women with vastly inflated senses of self arguing about whether or not a 16 year old can sing on pitch. No one should.

Now's the time when I ask you a very important question: who do you think would win in a fight between Nicki and Mariah?

I think Nicki, but probably just because she's not afraid to tear someone apart and/or sit on them with her large booty. But Mariah does have twins and a Nick Cannon to fight for.

A Requiem for 30 Rock: Top 10 Favorite Moments

I am simultaneously exuberant and forlorn today, for tomorrow night marks the beginning of the end 30 Rock. On one hand, it's back! On the other...soon there will be no more Lemonisms. No more elitist one-liners from Jack. No more Kenneth...oh, the humanity!

So I thought the least I could do in light of this tragedy is compose a tribute to this glorious show by highlighting some of my favorite 30 Rock moments and/or episodes.

1) Everything Sunny All The Time Always

Easily my favorite episode. Avery and Jack's extreme patriotism, Margaret Cho as Kim Jong Il (best ever), Liz has an 90's montage scene in which she takes charge of her personal life and is thwarted by a plastic bag in a tree. So great.

Favorite Scene:

Avery: "And in food news, you've had enough to eat today. Now here with the weather, is Johnny Mountain." Kim Jong Il: "North Korea! Everything sunny all the time always! Good time! Beach party! Back to you Ayer-weep!" Avery: [clicks papers on desk and rolls eyes in exasperation]

2) "High-fivin' a million angels"

I loved this line so much I immediately named my next Facebook photo album after it. That's love, right there, right? I think it's the combination of the old-school implementation of the high five mixed with the sadness of the self-praise for your own terrible joke and/or mundane accomplishment. It's a quality Lemonism that in my opinion is underused in pop culture.

3) Donaghy Rivalries

I loved it any time Devon Banks showed up. Will Arnett is just great (except, apparently, at marriage--moment of silence please). They argue about trivial things and it brings so much joy to my heart. I love when Donaghy, usually so confident and skilled at negotiating deals and arguing, is reduced to simple comebacks. Perfectly exemplified in his confrontation with Kabletown CEO Hank Hooper's daughter, Kaylee, who is out to get his job:

Jack: You don't even like the ocean, do you? Kaylee Hooper: I hate the ocean! It's for tools! Jack: The ocean is awesome and for winners! You're for tools!

4) Liddy's birth in Canada

I'm Canadian (represent, Mandie Marie) by birth, so I like any good Canada joke (HIMYM also included). This one is chalk-full of them and Jack and Avery's refusal to accept Canadian ways of life.

There are a ton of great quotes from this episode, but if I had to choose one: Avery: "Are we not even making our own METH anymore? What is happening to this country?"

5) Kenneth's drunken speech at Grizz's wedding OR Kenneth explaining Secret Santa (toss-up)

Kenneth has endless priceless moments, but these two have to be the frontrunners. His pure innocence is displayed perfectly in his drunken speech at Grizz's wedding after being fired. If you haven't seen it, it's given in perfect drunk-speech fashion, set up as if he is going to tell off everyone now that he has the freedom and inhibition to say what he really feels, but instead he just reveals that at his core, he's the same Kenneth we all thought he was:

"You people you are my best friends, and I hope you get eeeeeverything you want in life. So kiss. my. face! I'll see you ALL in heaven!"

Another one of my favorite Kenneth moments is his attempt to explain Secret Santa: "…and then the person with the highest number gives the smallest gift to the tallest person! And if they want to switch, they cannot. UNLESS they do! Then everyone puts their head down except the murderer…wait, that's not right…"

6) Oprah

I love the direction they took Oprah's appearance in--that it's not Oprah at all but a "spunky little tween" Liz confused with Oprah during a comanapracil-induced fog. I also love that Oprah agreed to be on 30 Rock and that Tina Fey was doing about 8000 things at once when this taped (I've read Bossypants three times. Well, read it once, listened to Tina Fey read it twice.)

Favorite line: Liz: "Gotta go, I'z snittin' next to Barpo."

7) "Night Cheese"

This haunting melody, composed by none other than Elizabeth Mervalis Lemon, perfectly encapsulates her personality. It first appears when she is lounging in a "slanket" shoveling cheese into her mouth in the middle of the night, and Jack shows up at the door. She tries to pretend she was asleep, but Jack refutes: "I heard you singing. Night Cheese."

I also love this short scene because it reflects Jack and Liz's relationship so well. Extreme familiarity with no hint of sexuality whatsoever.

8) Queen of Jordan (1 & 2)

I adore these episodes of 30 Rock. If you haven't seen it, Queen of Jordan is a reality show featuring Tracy Jordan's wife, Angie's which Jack gives her, essentially to shut her up. Cast includes Angie's sassy hairdresser D'Fwan (naturally), a divorcee whose exploits her abusive past relationships for money and instigates drama, a chubby friend named Portia who secured the catchphrase, "Portia reads the papuhs!" and later, Tracy's little girl Virginia who Liz manages to offend. Oh, and briefly Angie's meth-addict nephew.

9) Dealbreakers Episode #0001

Liz Lemon filming the pilot of her talkshow "Dealbreakers." If you haven't seen this episode, stop what you're doing and go watch it. I can't even talk about it without ruining its greatness.

10) Leap Day

Once again, 30 Rock manages to make something a thing that wasn't a thing before. This elaborately-thought-out episode tells the story of Leap Day William and his tradition of trading candy for children's tears. Kenneth dresses up as Leap Day William, there's a movie starring Jim Carrey called Leap Dave Williams about Leap Day William, and everyone dresses in blue and yellow. Except Liz. Because she, like the rest of us, has never heard of Leap Day William. It is fantastic.

Sadly, (or awesomely?) I wrote almost all of this from memory. I've...seen these episodes a lot.

What's your favorite 30 Rock moment?

Vote 4 Stuff 2012: Vote or Die's less-threatening successor

Remember 2004?

Remember when TRL was still on, Michael Phelps was still up-and-coming, and P. Diddy took it upon himself to threaten the youth of America in an attempt to promote the civic duty of voting?

Well, it's not 2004 anymore, guys.

It's 2012.

And with the progression of time and culture comes the progression of worldwide political-correctness. And you can't just go around yelling "vote or die!" to impressionable teenagers and twenty-somethings and get away with it. Even if you're P.Diddy. Who, for one week in 2011, even Sean Combs was not.

Sidebar: During that week he insisted on being called "swag." Why does he keep wasting our time by making us memorize new names? We've already done triple the work for you, Sean "P.Diddy" "Puff Daddy" "Sean John" Combs, okay? I don't appreciate your presumption that we would do it again.

Anyway. Due to this warm-fuzzies standard we have now reached, American celebrities decided that perhaps they won't use violence to inspire voting, they will use sarcastic jokes and YouTube, which are, as we all know, Americans' love languages.

To top off this pendulum swing from Diddy's approach, this video is titled pretty much the opposite of "Vote or Die," which is the much less threatening "Vote 4 Stuff."

Yep. Just…stuff. Vote for it.

Bless it all. Aren't we just adorable?

Anyway, what resulted from this initiative was the video below, starring some fantastic celebrities and some awful ones, just to balance it out, y'know?

Awesome List: Ellen (irrefutable--if you challenge me on this, you will lose and probably be chased by an angry mob) Selena Gomez Joseph Gordon-Levitt Jonah Hill Zac Efron

Only-okay list: Tobey MacGuire Leo DiCaprio The Girl From Mamma-Mia

Terrible List: Sarah Silverman

Who-are-these-people-list: The spanish-speaking guy Guy with the Plaid Shirt (feel free to help me out here)

Ok, so there was only one awful celebrity. But she's terrible enough to eclipse the whole thing, am I right?

Perhaps my favorite part is Joseph Gordon-Levitt's campaign to end dubstep. That's just good advice. It's had its fun, lets let the scene kids take it back now. We're tired of carrying it, frankly, and that IE9 commercial was cool for the first month and now it's not cool anymore. Also pop stars think they can just weave it in wherever they please (ahem: Nicki Minaj) when we least expect it, and I don't appreciate that. I like to know what I'm getting into when I listen to top 40 hits.

So please enjoy this (admittedly pretty delightful) video telling you to vote for stuff.

VOTE 4 STUFF 2012, you guys.

But really, you probably should.

If YOU could vote for anything, what would it be? 

I vote public funding to invent teleportation, because I am sick of driving 6 hours to get places. Or, y'know, mandatory nap times during the work day.

Happy New Year! [a reflection on fall]

[Chattanooga, TN - 1st Anniversary Trip 2011]

Fall makes me feel like all is well in the world. Like nothing bad could happen today, because it is 65 degrees and clouds are nowhere to be seen. Even though, of course, those things are not actually true.

The sun starts to descend late in the afternoon, and the shadows it casts between the buildings tell me it's fall even if I'm looking at it from behind glass at my desk 12 floors high.

Somehow fall is nostalgic and refreshing all at the same time. I've found that many other people feel the same way.

I wonder if this is because it takes us back to the first day of school--new pencils, new teacher, a fresh start. You can be anyone you want to be. Because you, my friend, are in SIXTH grade now. Nothing that happened in fifth grade matters anymore. A whole 90 days of summer separates you from the person you were then. Plus, you get to see your friends every day again.

Fall also means the holidays are right around the corner, and I love any reason to theme something. Even celebrating with themed activities and decorations is nostalgic. Carving pumpkins for halloween, eating turkey at Thanksgiving, seeing Christmas lights up for the first time...it all reminds me of childhood and joy.

All these things make me wonder if January 1st is really the New Year at all.

I rarely feel any different on January 1 than I did on December 31. Chances are, I'm not even in Nashville, and it feels like I'm somehow removed from everyday life anyway. When I go back to Nashville, it's back to the grind. Gray skies and winter coats. Not very refreshing.

But when that first crisp day sneaks up on me--I feel different. My shoulders relax. I literally breathe it in deeply just to experience it fully. Air smells so good in the fall, am I right?

I get to break out my boots for the first time. I get to wear scarves again. I get to lounge around and watch Auburn games and eat chips and salsa on Saturdays.

But more than that, I feel renewed. Like this is a restart. A new school year. A breath of fresh air to get me through the winter.

So I maintain that The First Day of Fall is really the start of the New Year. Maybe not for the calendar, but for our souls.

Today you can make decisions to change your life, not because you begrudgingly feel like you have to because it is January 1, but because you want a do-over. Or you want a start-for-the-first-time.

So Happy New Year, everybody! Fall is here.

What's your favorite part about fall?

SNL Returns: The Highlights

Fall. Glorious fall. Crisp air, football, pumpkins, and most importantly, all our shows are back! [and there was much rejoicing]

Well, not all of them are back yet (ahem--30 Rock). But at least Saturday Night Live is!

Despite losing some heavy-hitters over the summer, I think SNL is in for a good season this year. Based on the first two episodes, I thought I'd share my top 5 favorite elements so far:

1. Jay Pharaoh's new prominence:

Admittedly, I thought he was in danger of not being asked back this season. He had a few great sketches with flawless impressions (see: Will Smith; Jay Z) in the earlier episodes last season, but they started using him less and less as the season went on. [For the record, I actually did enjoy his "attention teachers and students" sketch. Even though he laughed in pretty much the only sketch in which he was not doing an impression.]

I felt like he had a lot of potential though, and I hoped they wouldn't kick him to the curb just yet.

So when I found out he was going to take over Obama from Fred Armisen, my hope was renewed. I knew he would do a great job because he is fantastic with impressions, and let's be honest, at least he's the same ethnicity as the President (which is not to knock Fred Armisen's ability to play any ethnicity on the planet, much like Maya Rudolph).

I was right. His cold open the first episode was brilliant, and he's gotten to be in lot more sketches throughout the first two episodes than he was last season. I particularly liked the talk show sketch where he and Kenan played rappers talking about fashion. I'm excited to see where his SNL career goes.

2. Kate McKinnon.

Can we just talk about how much I love Kate McKinnon? She was in one or two sketches at the end of last season, and I thought she was great. But she has won me over already--if nothing else, her Mrs. Romney impression was hilarious. I think she could be the new Kristen Wiig-type cast member. I'd be okay with it.

3. Drunk Uncle

One of the only things more underrated than Bobby Moynihan is his character, Drunk Uncle. I don't usually see people talking about it online anywhere, but it's one of my favorite characters on SNL. It might be because I'm a millennial (or whatever they call us) and he says things like "are these peanuts free range?" making fun of our generation. But I think it is fantastic.

4. Weekend Update Thursdays

It's election year, and you know what that means…Weekend Update Thursdays! Sure, I don't follow any of the actual debates or interviews, but I do tune in to Seth Meyers on Thursday nights to see what funny things he has to say about them anyway. It's SNL in the middle of the week. You really can't go wrong. Pretty much the only good thing about election years is that SNL is even better.

5. Good musical guests.

First Frank Ocean (with John Mayer), then Mumford and Sons. They're on a roll. No complaints here. Muse is next, which I am also excited about. Maybe if they stack the lineup like this all season long, enough time will have passed so that we'll have forgotten that whole Lana Del Ray debacle. Here's hopin'.

I will say I miss Abby Elliott already. Huge bummer not having her there this season. I'm hoping my love for Kate makes up for it.

What's your favorite sketch or character so far this season?

Confessions of a Pumpkin Spice Latte Poser

I have a confession, you guys. It might just expel me from the Society of All Women Aged 18-35, but I just can't go on pretending anymore. I have to come clean.

I don't really like Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice Lattes.

There. I said it.

I like other pumpkin-flavored things--even other coffee shops' pumpkin-flavored lattes. Just not Starbucks'.

It tastes weird, guys. It has a funny aftertaste and the truth is I don't care for it at all. Whatever syrup they use doesn't taste like pumpkin. Plus it's actually orange, which kind of weirds me out.

I have tried, season after season, to like these things.

Every fall I enter with renewed enthusiasm, hoping that I'm just remembering wrong or the baristas messed it up the last couple times I tried. This time will be different, I tell myself. On its face, it should work. Espresso? Good. Pumpkin-cinnamon flavor? Good. Skim milk? Good.

But no. It's always the same.

I just sip it down bit by bit, trying to justify it and tell myself I am enjoying it, but I eventually give up halfway through and throw it away.

And I have come to the conclusion that I like the idea of Starbucks' pumpkin spice lattes much more than I actually like the latte itself.

I'm just trying desperately to fit in with the rest of women my age who are obsessed with it so I can tweet about it later, and that's no way to live, right?

So I am vowing, right here and now, no matter HOW much I am tempted to, no matter how much I want to be a part of the PSL Club, no matter how much I think things might have changed and I might like it now, I will not order another PSL from Starbucks. No more.

Because I end up wasting $4 and a perfectly good coffee experience, when I could have just stuck with the ol' faithful vanilla latte and been much happier, and not had to live with an intense feeling of buyer's remorse.

[I'm extremely susceptible to buyer's remorse, by the way. I'm so indecisive that I never know if I really made the right decision on which shirt to buy or whether I might find something else better later on. Same with trying something new at a restaurant I don't go to very often. This is why I always order the same thing, and why I should do the same at Starbucks.]

So, fellow women and everyone on social media ever, reject me if you must, but I just can't keep doing this. I love coffee, and I am ruining it for myself.

If we go to Starbucks together, I will get a vanilla latte. Or I will contemplate a pumpkin latte and you will say (because you're such a good friend), "hey, remember, you don't actually LIKE those. You just want to like them." And I will thank you for your kind reminder and go back to the vanilla latte that rarely disappoints, unless the barista is terrible at their job.

Tell the truth: do you like PSL's? Am I just crazy or are there others like me out there?

Nick Offerman Does Slam Poetry About Bacon

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSVO5VloDlc]

Does this even need a caption?

A Plea to Justin Timberlake

Justin,

Justin, Justin, Justin.

Let's be real for a second.

I feel like we as a society have let this go on long enough. We love you on SNL, we accepted your role in The Social Network, we even overlooked that movie that was exactly the same as that other movie about being friends with benefits.

But it's time to go back where you belong.

I saw the trailer for that baseball movie you're in with the girl from Enchanted and Clint Eastwood, and, I gotta say, you're really only okay.

You know it too, don't you? Deep down?

There, there. Don't cry. I hate being the one to have to confront you with this.* Really, I do. I want you to succeed. But this can't go on.

Do you realize how many things have happened since the last time you released an album?

We got a black president. Justin Bieber became a thing. Heck, TWITTER became a thing. Bed Intruder Song. Two separate summer Olympics. You know? That's a lot of stuff. More than half a decade's worth of stuff.

It's time you got back on that horse. And by the way--digital shorts, as much as we loved them, do not count.

I know it's hard because you want to be taken seriously as an actor, and you've already invested so much time in this whole thing. Everyone keeps telling you to go back to doing music, which probably makes you want to do it even less. I get it.

But you know, there's no shame in going back home. (Or in forgiveness. Mrs. Coach taught me that.)

I need some collaborations with B.o.B. or Nicki Minaj in my life. I need some surprise guest appearances on the VMA's.

You were the white boy boy-bander with street cred. The Biebs is taking that away from you. He even took your title as Most Popular Justin. Anyone who knows me at all knows I have nothing but respect for the Biebs, but are you going to just sit idly by and let this happen? Are you?

I'm just saying. Would you rather be a mediocre actor who people only put in movies because your name is Justin Timberlake, or a talented solo artist with a falsetto that puts all other falsettos to shame?

In the end, it's your choice. But I hope you choose wisely. For the betterment of society. And the future of dance.

P.S. if your next career move is to be a judge on a TV talent competition, so help me.

*on a blog you will never read

What's your vote: acting or music for JT?

Why Everyone Can't Be a Talent Show Judge

Okay, you guys, this is getting a little out of control. American Idol has been going on for a [long] while, and I understand they need to shake it up a little bit. That's fine. We did that with Kara, we did that with Ellen (yeah--remember that?), we did that with Steven Tyler, we did that with J.Lo. No more shaking it up.

We do not need this:

The worst part of this is that all other talent competitions are just throwing their hands in the air and saying, hm, why not, American Idol did it, and drawing rando names out of a hat to decide who their next judges will be.

Everyone can't be a judge on a televised talent show, okay? Otherwise no one would be actually doing their jobs.

I mean really. What is this? Is there no loyalty anymore? I want to know why none of these celebrities are staying for more than a year. [Except good ol' Randy, holdin' it down for yet another year, which I assume is only because he couldn't stand the idea of us having to stare at Enrique Iglesias' beauty mole and listen to his opinions on pitchy 18-year-olds for four months. He really does have our backs, you guys.] Just when we get used to judges and can say things like, "oh that Steven, he never says anything intelligible," they yank him out and throw in Nicki Minaj. Not okay.

And why is this all of a sudden a coveted career move? Let's talk about X Factor, for example. There was speculation for months on who the new judges would be, and one of them ended up being Britney Spears. BRITNEY freaking SPEARS.

She is arguably one of the most prominent pop culture icons of all time, and she's sitting behind a desk beside a rose-haired disney channel star watching people twirl flaming batons and whatnot. Come on. I get that she shaved her head that one time and married a guy named Federline, and she does currently make music that is iffy at best, but I still think she's better than this.

I guess, to these people, any publicity is good publicity. ((But if that were the case, Lindsay Lohan would be Queen of Earth by now.)) America sees your face week after week and then I suppose buys your terrible album or something. But isn't there a better way to make money? Like, performing music or something?

Even The Voice, which I think has had the least-awful judges out of the talent competitions currently on T.V., ((This therefore excludes The Sing-Off, which includes Ben Folds and Sarah Bareilles, who are both awesome. May it rest in peace.)) decided to play musical chairs this Spring and bring in Usher (in place of CeeLo) and Shakira (in place of Christina Aguilera) temporarily. Am I the only one noticing a very distinct pattern in the producers' choice of replacements? Just sayin'.

SIDEBAR: You will NEVER guess what CeeLo is doing while on hiatus. Never, ever, ever. Are you ready? He is working on a scripted comedy series for NBC based on his life. That is just great information. I hope that becomes a thing.

To summarize: musicians, you don't have to do this. Have some self-respect.

Keith Urban, you don't have to stand next to Nicki Minaj and try to look interested. You have a career. Really, you do. I know the industry is going a different direction, but that doesn't mean you have to listen to pretentious people try to prove their talent to you while Mariah Carey and Randy reminisce about the good ol' days. You're married to Nicole Kidman, for goodness' sake, and you have an Australian accent. You're basically winning at life. Why would you do this to yourself?

Who do you think are the best and worst choices for talent show judges on TV (current or past)?

Disturbing Headline OTD: Movie Ninjas

I hate hearing people text or burp or kick my seat during a movie as much as the next person, but I think assembling a task force clad head-to-toe in black spandex is taking it a little too far, wouldn't you agree?

Allow me to explain what I mean, and then you can decide.

Those crazy Brits are at it again. I know I don't understand British humor, and I definitely didn't understand the opening ceremonies this year, but I feel like I'm justified in not understanding this.

They have managed to take something that sounds awesome and make it absolutely terrifying: movie ninjas.

Apparently one London movie theater, whose owners evidently care more about being noticed than maintaining a loyal customer base...or any self-respect, agreed to let crazies in black body suits roam theaters amongst innocent patrons trying to enjoy Finding Nemo in 3D--just searching for people to silence, eclipsing any whispering mouths with their pitch-colored mitts.

Of course, that's probably not an precisely accurate description, but precisely accurate is boring, am I right?

I can see this turning into a terrifying nursery rhyme to scare children into submission in about 2.7 seconds.

"Movies are such fun fun fun, but close your mouth and hush your tongue. For in the shadows Movie Ninja lurks, waiting to pounce on little jerks."

Or something like that. It's a work in progress.

Anyway, I have several concerns.

1) Being snuck up on by lycra puppet-people would cause more of a disturbance in my book than whispering "who's that?" to the person next to you. ["I don't know either, I've been watching it the same amount of time as you," would be the response, by the way, from any self-respecting husband who's ever seen a movie with their wife. Sorry, guys.]

If it were me, I'd jump out of my chair and spill my smuggled Diet Coke all over the person next to me, surely knocking the popcorn out of their hands I'd been eyeing for 25 minutes but NOT stealing any of. That, my friends, is a scene. A sticky, buttery one. And do you know who would have to clean it up? The 20-year-old surly theater employee with the little non-electric vacuum contraption.* Which brings me to my next concern:

2) An all out gang-war between surly theater employees and wacky ninja silencers. Here the theater employees are, having worked there for WEEKS already, cleaning up unidentified sticky mess off floors, being forced to offer pizza and drink upcharges to people that are not remotely interested, wearing burgundy vests in front of all their friends...haven't they been through enough?

When in walks these crazy kids in an overgrown textbook cover from 2002, scaring patrons and trying to lightheartedly (while simultaneously creepily) keep the peace, making messes and leaving.

I think these are grounds for some stakeouts in the back parking lot. Nothing too violent, of course. Something more along the lines of West Side Story than like...the Dillon Panthers and that team with the psycho coach who hit Riggins.

3) Easy possibility for impostors to sneak in and rob and/or harm people. I feel like this is a no-brainer. How do you tell the real fun-loving movie ninjas from real-life sketchballs in bodysuits? How do I know they're really just telling me to be quiet and not trying to smother me and take my money? I think if we're going to do this, the real-live movie ninjas should have to wear identification, even though it takes away their ninja street cred. If they're going to serve society, they've got to be ok with losing some street cred.

*I have never quite understood how these work. They have no suction, right? They have no batteries or electricity to power them. HOW do they trap food and not just roll overtop of it? Explanations welcome.

What is your least favorite movie annoyance? Sub question: What would you want movie ninjas to do about it?

Vacay, Y'all

So right now I am at Hilton Head Island with my family on vacation.

Aww...look how relaxed we are.

Unfortunately that means this week there will be no musings on Snooki's baby or my depression surrounding the impending split of Amy Poehler and Will Arnett [insert moment of silence and/or cries of desperation here].

Somehow I'm sure you will carry on.

Until then, please enjoy this website shaming dogs publicly for their misdeeds.

Have a great week!

Bacon Is The New Black

I don't know when. I don't know how. But at some point, openly declaring one's love for bacon became cool. At least on social media. You probably can't run around saying you love bacon in real life and expect people to keep treating you as a normal human. Anyway, I was perusing "Pinterest, You Are Drunk" as a result of Tuesday's post, and I came across the tag, "Bacon is the New Black" on this photo:

And you know what? IT TOTALLY IS.

The other day on Facebook, someone claimed it was Bacon Day and posted photo that read "I (heart) Bacon." The heart was filled with an image of bacon. (UPDATE: September 3rd is, apparently, Bacon Day. Because we have that now.)

People found this image amusing and endearing, as evidenced by the number of "likes" this image had.

I think maybe it's one of those ironic things.

Like, if a larger person were to say "I love bacon," I feel like we would respond, "Um, yeah ya do. Might want to love it a little less there, big guy..." Because it's the opposite of ironic.

But if a skinny hipster or pretty girl with a sense of humor talks about how much they love (local, grass-fed) bacon, everyone chuckles and agrees wholeheartedly.

I'm not saying this is a bad thing, or even a good thing. I'm just saying it's a thing.

Maybe our society just collectively voted in bacon as the official national food of America. Bacon isn't gross enough to be publicly condemned, but bad enough for you that it's still American. It's affordable to the masses. People put it on everything, including ice cream (lookin' at you, Burger King). It's the perfect fit.

Ron Swanson may also have had something to do with this. I can't be sure, but I know how he loves his breakfast food and slabs of meat. People tend to listen to him.

FINDINGS (a.k.a. "proof"):

Below is what happens when you just search "Bacon" on pinterest.

T-shirts, fun facts about bacon, bacon flavored novelty toothpaste...it's all there. DARE I say Bacon is the new Mustache? It might be too soon to tell, but ol' Mustache better sleep with one eye open.

Even kids know it. I was reading Mandie Marie's delightful blog a while ago, where she often posts "field notes," which are basically just funny things her kiddos said when she substitute taught their class. Guess what made more than one appearance? BACON.

MORE FINDINGS (legit, you guys, they are even called field notes):

Friday Field Notes #1

Me: Can you tell me some healthy things to eat? C: Bacon. Me: Bacon is delicious, but it’s not healthy for you. C: GASP (I’m telling you, there was an audible gasp and his mouth hung wiiiiide open). Me: I know buddy. I’m sorry I had to break it to you.

Friday Field Notes #2

Me: Can you name a healthy food? E: Bacon! Me: Sorry guys, although delicious it’s not healthy. E: Is there sugar in it? Me: No, lots of fat. E: But… Me: I know buddy. I know.

Friday Field Notes # 3

Me: Tell me something awesome. A: Bacon. Me: You are not the first person to have said this.

In conclusion, Bacon really IS the new black. Try to argue with kindergarteners about it. You won't win.

Have you noticed this trend? On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you love bacon?

Snap Judgment: Go On

On one hand, I think Matthew Perry should just quit while he's still somewhat-ahead (Friends does catapult you a pretty long way, after all). It's a little bit sad to watch someone who was so successful at this one thing to flounder around aimlessly after they leave it. (I hope this doesn't happen to Emma Watson, because I love her.)

On the other hand, I just really like Chandler and want him to do well.

We gave Mr. Sunshine a chance, but it didn't hold up for me. It was kind of a depressing comedy, if that's even a thing, and I want more of a funny comedy. Decide what you're going to be and be it, y'know? So I gave up on it.

A year or two later we start seeing previews again for a new Matthew Perry show called Go On. Le sigh. Guess we have to give this thing a chance out of respect and love for the genius that was Chandler Bing.

And you know what?

It wasn't terrible. In fact, it was actually quite good. I mean, I laughed out loud several times. Several.

I felt like they did a great job of introducing characters and the premise quickly but completely, threw some emotion in and rounded it out well. I think the characters have a lot of potential.

It's got sort of a Community-type feel (at least I assume that's where it's going)--people from all different walks of life brought together by a commonality. In this case, group therapy, in Community's case, Spanish with Senor Chang.

Even though I feel like Matthew Perry will never be able to fully shake some of his Chandler-isms (perhaps that's because some of his Matthew Perry-isms became Chandler-isms), I was less aware he was Chandler-trying-not-to-be-Chandler than I was with Mr. Sunshine.

My favorite character so far is George, the older black man who has gone blind. During his first group therapy session, Matthew Perry (Ryan, I wanna say?) decides to take over when the teacher is late and have everyone compete in "March Sadness" to decide whose story is the worst. This guy gets to the championship face-off, and his arguments as to why he should advance just get better and better.

The one-liners surprised me with how witty and well-timed they were. I didn't expect to laugh, but I did. Pilots are hard to make, and I feel like Go On succeeded.

I'm excited to get to know all the characters in the therapy group. I think this might turn out to be that thing where you come for Zooey Deschanel but you stay for Max Greenfield. There might be some real gems here.

You can watch the full pilot on Hulu here.

Have you watched the pilot? Will you give it a shot?

"I Make My Own Underwear." [Things You Don't Want to Hear]

Yep, that's a guy. He made his own underwear that day. Aww.

The Pinterest revolution has brought with it myriads of terrible ideas, some almost unfathomable. (For examples, please see "Pinterest, You Are Drunk.")

I often don't understand the point of making something when it is not a) cheaper b) easier or c) saving baby seals. If I have to buy 25 ingredients to make my own soap, no thanks. I will pay Suave $1 to make it for me.

This is how I feel about this workshop on making your own underwear (via Make). Yep, underwear.

Did you know underwear can be as cheap as $3 a package if you are really on a budget? Did you also know this class costs $100 plus a $20 fee for supplies?

I don't trust myself to make a skirt, which could essentially be just elastic and fabric, let alone underwear with seams and multiple holes and different-colored trim.

Plus something about the sentence "I make my own underwear" leads me to believe that person also lives in a tree in Asheville with little to no laundry detergent or inhibitions.

Sure, in actuality it's just sewing, which is a normal hobby. But "making your own underwear" sounds somehow less sanitary than buying it. It sounds like you're fashioning it out of whatever burlap you have lying around or something.

So does this pass the test? Is it a) cheaper? No.

Is it b) easier? Resounding no.

Does it c) save baby seals? Not unless those baby seals are being taken captive by Victoria's Secret.

Plus, it makes your hygiene sound iffy at best.

In conclusion, making your own underwear sounds like a glorious waste of time. Seriously, go read a book or something if you have that much time on your hands.

No one should have enough free time that they choose to spend it on making underwear. No one.

Have you ever made your own clothes? Does making your own underwear sound as weird to you as it does to me?

EDIT: Whilst perusing Pinterest, You Are Drunk today I discovered that making underwear is actually one of the posts. I rest my case. Click here to see.

EDIT NUMERO DOS: Note how nowhere in this post (except right here) will you read the word "panty," despite the fact that the workshop title includes it. I stand by that decision. As does every self-respecting woman.