Tales from a 3rd Grade Journal

This is me in approximately 3rd grade at my best friend's birthday party (obviously in December). AWW I know I know I'm cute. The complete and total awkwardness didn't set in for another couple years. Apparently I was appalled at the thought of trying on dress-up clothes without wearing a T-shirt underneath. #modesty4lyfe

I've kept journals my whole life. Looking back, it was probably a good indication that I would one day love to write.

I mean, these entries are literary masterpieces, after all. Someday someone will probably compile them into a memoir and it will sell millions of copies worldwide and those millions of lives will be touched by my experiences and everyone will go on and on about how it's a shame I wasn't appreciated in my time and I'll get all kinds of awards posthumously and the next generation will have to use their internet watch or whatever to google what "posthumous" means because the english language will probably be effectively destroyed by then.

You don't know. It could happen.

Anyway, the point is, I have journals. From about 2nd grade all the way through college, and the occasional entry now.

One of the advantages of this is that I have access to a glimpse into the mind of an average [insert age here]-year-old at the drop of a hat.

I realize this is a somewhat unique position to be in, and such potentially-enlightening insight shouldn't be hoarded or squandered, but shared, right? With great power comes great responsibility and all that.

So without further ado, I present to you, tales from a 3rd grade journal:

July 26, 1996

Dear Diry,

I'm 8 years old now and I'm going in to 3rd grade. I'm also having a g-r-reat summer! I went to spend-the-night camp at marannook. It was fun! I also went to Canada.

Laura

P.S. We also went to the Olipics.

July 27, 1996

This morning a bome went off at the Olimpic Park. 110 people got injeired and 2 people lost there lives. It

[editor's note: that "It" was actually written there. It what?? IT WHAT???]

Feb. 4, 1997

Dear Diary,

Today I used a macanical pencil. Because yesterday mommy bought some for me. (and I paid her back.) And know what? Yesterday, oh,

Sorry Gotta Go!!

Bye,

Laura F.

Why did I have to go?? What happened at school?? How did the mechanical pencil usage affect my schoolwork??

Stay tuned for answers to these and other burning questions in the next installment of "Tales from a 3rd Grade Journal." (Trust me, it's a good one.)

Only in Mississippi: Circus Elephant Shot in Drive-By

You guys, get ready to be outraged. The Ringling Brothers circus came to town in Tupelo, Mississippi and will leave changed, never to be the same.

Why? One of the stars of their show was shot in a drive-by. And she is an elephant.

She's expected to make a full recovery, but I mean honestly, what is the world coming to? I, for one, am appalled.

Sigh. Just another case of elephant-on-elephant gang violence. It's a shame that it's come to this. I thought they were cracking down on that sort of thing.

I feel like there should be some kind of buddy cop lifetime movie (that's a thing, right?) about this story where the exasperated old guy and overzealous young guy are at the end of their ropes because they've gotten nowhere in making the streets of Tupelo safer for circus elephants. Where is Danny Glover when you need him?

And isn't Mississippi totally a setting where this movie (and I suppose REAL LIFE STORY) would take place? Like, this WOULD happen in Mississippi. I'm just glad it wasn't Alabama, because let's face it, my home state doesn't have the best track record. Really dodged a bullet with this one.

What is even more shocking and appalling is the people who were interviewed for the news story.

The mayor, for instance, is interviewed to clarify that yes, the elephant DOES have a wound, and it is located between her ear and what he guesses "you would have to call the base of the neck...area."

Then, because they need more than one credible witness to do this sort of pulitzer-worthy investigative journalism, they chose to interview a convenience store clerk. At her post.

Didn't even take her outside to interview her. Just walked into a TigerMart and stuck a microphone in her face. There are cigarettes on display behind her in the shot.

Oh, Mississippi. This story could've been a journalistic masterpiece: a piece of television news that took viewers on an emotional journey chronicling the sad vicious cycle of circus-related crimes and gang violence but ending with hope for poor Carol the elephant, an innocent victim who was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Simply another byproduct of the seedy underbelly of Tupelo, Mississippi.

That's why I'm going to take it upon myself to create this lifetime movie. I mean it could totally work. Mississippi in the summertime (or what might as well be summertime). Heat rising off the sidewalk, deadend leads, policemen sitting in a rundown diner going over the evidence for the 87th time...doesn't it sound like a thing? Who do I have to call to make Carol the Elephant's story known?

Feel free to send Carol your well wishes (or pitch actor ideas for the lifetime movie) in the comments.

If she could read, I'm sure she would read my blog. She seems like the kind of cool elephant who would totally be interested in pop culture. Poor Carol. Get well soon, old girl. (I feel like it's somehow appropriate to call animals like horses & elephants "old girl.")

Beyonce and Jay-Z Go to Cuba and Apparently That's Bad

This week in Beyonce news, The Zs got a lot of flack for going to Cuba to celebrate their 5th anniversary, which evidently is a big no-no according to the State Department.

1) Who else is shocked it's been five years since they got married? I swear time goes faster for celebrities. Every time I see a rare paparazzi photo of Blue Ivy carter she's aged like 6 years.

2) Doesn't the rest of the country know who they are? They are Mr. and Mrs. Beyonce Knowles Carter, dang it, and travel sanctions do not apply to them.

If anything I would think this would help our relations with Cuba and maybe even bring democracy to the country. I don't know, Beyonce is powerful. Her most recent song is literally called "Bow Down." I'm willing to bet those girls she wrote the song for who are all thinking they're better than her but totally aren't did exactly what she said.

Plus, did you see her hair in that news clip? It screams "Y'all shut up and let me sunbathe wherever I please; I'm Beyonce effing Knowles. Also I look like an Egyptian goddess."

They are also best friends with the President of this great nation of ours and his lovely wife. Like it even matters where they go or what they do. They could moon Kim Jong Un right in the face and no one would even be mad about it.

In fact I bet we would win countries over in that very instance. Maybe half the world wouldn't even hate us anymore.

So media, State Department, I say to you: let it go. You aren't going to win this one. The worst you can possibly do is make them pay a fine anyway, and they probably won't even have bills small enough to pay it.

Jay-Z will be all like, "Uh, can you break a 10-thousand? Oh, you've never seen a 10 thousand dollar bill before? I forget only super best friends of the 'bams get to carry them. That's what I call them. The 'bams. We tight like that. We bowl in the White House. Anyway just take this 10 thousand and keep the change. Buy yourself like a banana or something." and then they go sell another billion albums, do karaoke at Sasha and Malia's slumber party and rock Blue Ivy to sleep with a song they just wrote.

I mean honestly. I'm not saying anyone is above the law, but come on. Aren't they?

On a semi-related note, what celebrity should we send in next to negotiate with North Korea? I vote anyone but Kate Gosselin.

DWTS Recap: The Wasp Face

This week I am in D.C. for my job, but I watched DWTS anyway. Just for YOU. Marvel at my dedication. …oh, and because the hotel I'm staying at doesn't have HGTV. But no matter! The point is, I watched it, okay?

I missed the first like three minutes but I'm thinking since when I turned it on people were just freestyling to that "funk's on rubber" song I didn't miss much.

Basically it's like a sock hop up in here and host lady's 80's hair is CRAY. I mean I know it's prom night theme this week but let's take down the literality a notch okay?

They pan to the audience and Yvette Nicole Brown is there! Yay! I can hear her now just clapping and saying "that's niceee!"

First up, Aly.

She's going to waltz which involves counting 1-2-3, 1-2-3 instead of 1-2-3-4 and counting music is HARD, ok guys? I judge her a little bit for never having known how to count music before but then again I went to a music school and live in Nashville so I could be a biased jerk.

Aly never went to prom because she had to work her fingers to the bone doing backflips and stuff and we're all sad about it. Her coach tries to teach her how to grope.

Before the commercial break everyone is taking staged prom photos in front of a background of silver streamers and could this show be a little more over the top, please? I'm just still a little fuzzy on what the theme is this week.

Back from commercial and there is literally a person dressed as cupid hanging from the ceiling solely to fling a fake arrow at Aly and her partner to start off the dance. Seriously let's add more unnecessary clues for the audience here, I don't think they're getting this is about LOVE and PROM.

Aly does pretty well and it's boring but she looks pretty in lavender.

British judge is NOT IMPRESSED. The crowd erupts in boos but JUST KIDDING it's April Fools you guys! Oh, British Judge. You slay me. Seriously though kill me now.

Lady Judge tells her to be in character and men judges argue with her and I'm hoping they say April Fools again, but they don't.

SIDE NOTE: Why are we being subjected to seeing old prom photos of the hosts? Like anyone even cares about them. Plus girl host looks exactly the same tonight anyway.

They talk about how you can vote 11 times which I think is just to be obnoxious (why not just 10?) and guy host says "You can vote psychically but that's not as effective."

I wish he would stop going off script.

2. Andy Dick. In the montage we find out he apparently doesn't know his own strength and might just rip her hand off when he dances. His coach chastises him for thinking too much to which his response is,

"I HAVE to think or I'm going to rip your head off!…Accidentally…" Nice save.

He yells some more and she stomps out and then it's the next day and Andy's crying again. Guys I can't tell but do you think this is going to be a recurring theme?

The dance opens with him getting a text message superimposed on the screen about being dumped for not being sexy enough which is totally the reason people usually use when they break up with someone via text.

He does some nipple pistols, a dance move I just trademarked the name for, and rips his shirt off and thrusts a lot and I'm not sure why the audience is whooing so loud but they whoo at everything so whatever.

Spanish judge yells REVENGE OF THE NERD super loud and basically just says it's bad but it was entertaining. Girl judge essentially says good job for trying and gives him a backhanded compliment by complimenting his partner and saying he did a good job keeping up. British Judge calls him a sneeze and also says he feels better having watched him, which is weird because I had the complete opposite experience.

3. Inigo Montoya. Inigo's prom was boring as EXPLETIVE so he's going to recreate his dream prom by riding in on a motorcycle which somehow seems sad to me but whatever.

He calls his partner a slut and complains about being too old for this stuff.

They dance to Another One Bites the Dust and he rips his partner's skirt off. This dance seems a little stripper-y to me due to his black wifebeater and black cargo pants and the aforementioned skirt ripping. Again the band butchers a classic, and Inigo just looks very angry the whole time. Probably because the man with the six fingers killed his father.

It literally ends in flames and I'm wondering if his partner is secretly Olivia Newton John.

Lady Judge tells him to fix his core which to me means nothing. Kind of like when Michael Scott starts talking about how that machine strengthens your whole core…your leg core…your back core…

Spanish judge starts yelling stuff about how that was no way to treat a woman and trying to be funny and I hate him.

COMMERCIAL NOTE: Charles Barkley is just as terrible in this hot dog commercial with Alec Baldwin as he was on SNL, and I assume he had several takes to get it right this time.

Back from commercial and oh em gee it's the 50th anniversary of General Hospital! [ABC PLUG] No one cares. He gets 7s.

Some people in shirts with letters on them that spell out "ROMP?" are on stage now with little to no explanation.

4. Desperate Housewife. She was in the bottom two last week so she resorts to taking pictures of her shirtless partner to put on Twitter and get people to vote for them. She says something about it looking desperate which she fails to realize is literally the name of the show she is famous from so I'm not really sure why this is an issue for her.

Her tiny sad puppy in a t-shirt stares at an iPad twice his size which is supposed to mean he's tweeting the picture for her because he has thousands of followers. Which is actually true. Poor Jiggy. He longs for freedom. You can see it in his eyes. I just want to rip that tshirt off him and release him into the wild.

Anyway they do a waltz to a Whitney Houston song and the band once again murders the song pretty savagely. Like it's so bad I can't even focus. I have no idea if the dance was good.

They show a woman in the crowd who I assume is the housewife's daughter since they look like their plastic surgeon used the same mold for their faces.

Spanish judge says it was like she was empress Josephine wafting around blah blah blah is he seriously still talking? But let's not get too carried away, it wasn't THAT good, he says, and people boo.

Gleb talks about how he "got a few marriages proposals." Aw. Poor Gleb. He tries. He does have abs though I guess so he has that going for him. But not his name. Definitely doesn't have that going for him.

They get 7's and the host makes a joke about how easy it is to use Twitter because Jiggy can do it without opposable thumbs. Someone needs to tell this guy comedy isn't for everyone.

5. Kellie Pickler. Kellie inexplicably puts a pickle in a punch bowl in the setup to her montage. I don't know what it means but I assume it was meant to be suggestive.

Kellie calls the jive a "jav" and talks a lot about her partner's wasp face. She pushes the wasp face thing really hard and then it's time to dance.

She's great of course and real talk: I kind of love her dress. She does some splits and some shimmies and unfortunately they are dancing to Footloose which now reminds me of Chase Freedom cards so thanks for that one, Chase Freedom guy who can't actually play the guitar.

"There's nothing loose about that performance! You're sharper than a Samurai sword!" - Spanish Judge. Seriously he is too excitable. He literally cannot talk without standing up.

British guy says they were flying about like a wasp at a picnic. GET IT BECAUSE THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT WASPS BEFORE? Ugh. That's not even a saying.

He crowns her prom queen and Kellie squeals and after they get their A+ they do a weird handshake about potatoes and french fries and sticking them in the fryer and I want to jump out a window.

6. Victor. Spoiler Alert: he didn't go to prom either. Except he wasn't off doing backflips or being a child star, he was a street kid and couldn't afford it. Poor Victor. I actually really like this guy. Again I am a huge fan of his coach. High five for maintaining normalcy in a studio full of yahoos.

They perform to "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" which automatically wins me over because it's just a great song. I dunno, it looks good to me but they do a lot of lifts and I remember last time British Judge was all TOO MUCH LIFTS so I guess they're in danger about that again.

Man, this Spanish judge is a total Standing-O whore. He does it like every single time.

Girl judge says Victor is a dancer now--I guess because he picked up his partner a lot. British judge was pleasantly surprised and said the lifts were good but there wasn't enough good dancing in the middle. (Told you TOO MUCH LIFTS.)

7. D.L. Hughley. He didn't go to prom either because he never graduated high school but what he DID do is charge people $25 to rent him to be their date for prom which is not sketchy at all.

He wears a metallic cape and dances terribly to James Brown. I'm thinking by now his dance style is just thrusting a lot and shuffling back and forth.

"If you're a sex machine, I'm America's Next Top Model." Ya'll, he is BRITISH. So he can't be ANTM even if he wanted to be. That's how strong that metaphor was.

He hated it but basically told him it was adorable that he tried.

Apparently D.L. has trouble moving his hips because every time he's done it in the past he has ended up paying child support, which wasn't super well received as an excuse.

COMMERCIAL NOTE: Penelope Cruz is saying "neth-pretho" all over the place and I can't handle it. Stop trying to make Nespresso happen, Cruz. It's not going to happen.

8. Jacoby Jones. He got kicked out of prom for pranks and then it gets all heavy because Katrina took his school and he's doing this dance for them.

They do a Rumba which I always kind of thought was like what dancers at Ricky Ricardo's club would do but apparently it's like overtly sexual so I was way off.

Jacoby has trouble being serious, which I appreciate, but then in the performance he totally pulls it off. He looks all dancer-y because he's not wearing a shirt and wearing black pants and they're dancing to Rihanna's sad song.

They love it and spanish guy uses the term volcano-bic which is not really a word and says "JACK-O-BEE" so you know he's really excited and everyone says it was good.

AW MAN I forgot Wynnona was here but they show her doing slow motion sexual movements up on her partner as a preview of what's to come.

Back to Jacoby and the 80's host asks him how much hurricane Katrina affected him. UGH these questions are as vague and obvious as every halftime interview ever done. "Uh so how important do you think scoring is in the next half?" GAH.

9. Wynnona Judd. Apparently her goal this week is to make the spanish judge growl and unleash her inner tigress.

SIGH. This will not end well.

OH NO. I see pole dancing. THERE IS POLE DANCING. WHYYYYYYY.

"I don't wanna look like I'm goin' in the woods." Well, Wynonna, either way I'm not really thrilled.

It's just as traumatic as you'd expect it to be and then the rest of the dance is super robotic and slow. It's kind of like she's just shifting back and forth and her partner is like dancing all around her like a mad man in comparison trying to make her look good when really he's just making her look worse by comparison.

"You're like Mount Rushmore!" says British Judge. (WHAT. Did he just call her fat?) "You look fantastic but you don't move!" Oh okay.

COMMERCIAL NOTE: Cheryl Burke (dancer on DWTS) tries on Depends for charity. I don't even…why, Cheryl, why?

Back from commercial and Wynnona talks about how amazing it is that Dorothy Hamil has managed to come sit in the audience which I mean I'm not saying her cyst isn't a big deal but can't anyone sit in an audience? I'm asking.

10. Sean Lowe. OH GOSH 2002 prom Sean has vampire hair.

His perspective is that dancing to YMCA is going to be great because everyone knows it, but I think he's forgetting that everyone also hates it. His partner says he's awkward (shocker) but he works super hard.

They interview him and he's super charming and I kind of miss him still.

OH MY GOSH YOU GUYS HE IS GIVING HIS PARTNER A ROSE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THIS IS HAPPENING.

I fear for what this dance is going to be.

There are three other people on the stage and they are all dressed like the village people.

He's not very good but bless him, he's trying. He kind of looks like a chippendale dancer on account of his overalls and wifebeater and hardhat.

But hey Catherine looks pretty!

Basically they say he has enthusiasm and isn't very good but this is his best dance yet and Spanish judge says he has shelves for Sean to come fix and acts suggestive and makes everyone uncomfortable.

Girl judge says spanish judge was the only thing missing from the routine which spanish judge of course takes as an excuse to get out from behind the desk and go after Sean.

He gets 7's which I think is probably pretty generous.

11. Zendaya. She hasn't been to prom because she is 16 so she is recreating moments from her grandma's prom because she has breast cancer which is pretty sweet.

Her nails are like 8 inches long and I'm hoping she cuts them before she gauges out her partner's eye.

They start out the dance in a fake gondola and then do a pretty dance in fake moonlight and of course it's great.

DWTS RESULTS: Wynnona Judd is eliminated. I mean ok she was terrible but she was providing half my material. Sigh.

Did anyone else endure Wynnona's pole dancing? Please tell me I wasn't alone.

A Lament About That One Time I Was An Athlete*

*term used loosely

Note: At Killer Tribes I learned it is not only important to connect with people through laughter (which I feel like I focus on a lot around here) but also to help your readers know you better. So in an attempt to do a little more of that, I am foraying into a bit of storytelling that doesn't involve making fun of celebrities but does involve making fun of myself. Please enjoy this recounting of awkward times in my life and share yours with me so I'm not out here alone.

Once upon a time I was average-ly athletic in a small town private school environment. LOLOL I know. But I was.

By the rest of the world's standards, I'm sure I wouldn't have made the cut, but for some reason they let me play softball for four years. And basketball in junior high. It could be because there was no tryout process, but I can't be certain.

To this day I'm not entirely sure why I played softball other than the fact that everyone I knew played at least one sport and I somehow felt obligated to do the same--to graduate from rec league onto the school team-- and over time I also somehow became invaluable as a sometimes-first baseman more-times-benchwarmer to my coach. But more on that later.

Anyway, softball is hard, you guys. No pun intended (even though it was totally a solid one). I think enough time has passed since my bat-swingin' days that I can properly air my grievances without anyone coming after me. So here they are.

1. Running outside in 35 degree weather.

You've been at school all day doing impossible chores like LISTENING and MATH, it's freezing outside and your throat and lungs are burning from the sharp, cold air as you heave and wheeze your way back and forth between foul poles. Most people probably didn't wheeze, I guess. But it was hard for me, okay? I was probably full from my nutritious after-school snack of cookies and Mountain Dew, you guys, so give me a break.

It was kind of like someone had taken it upon themselves to smooth out the inside of my esophagus with sandpaper.

And I did this voluntarily. Daily. For months. And like, no one even had a gun to my head or anything.

I sacrificed hours of free time (and warmth) to be gloriously average on a (perpetually losing) private school softball team in small town Alabama.

The things I do so that people won't be disappointed in me.

2. Double-headers.

Baseball fans, I ask you, what is the point of double-headers? Seriously. Give me one good reason. I genuinely want to know.

If you lose, you don't want to suffer through that over again, and if you win, don't you want to quit while you're ahead? Baseball/softball games are long enough as they are. Especially when they are away games and you have things like more math to do.

3. The fact that the combination of freezing rain and losing miserably is not enough to call a game.

Nope, the powers-that-be make you keep on playing your little hearts out until finally, just when you're praying for death to come take you, they find some mercy and call the game. And then it's 10pm and you're still two hours away from home and have to study AP History in the car while eating Burger King and guzzling Gatorade.

Why did I do this again?

I literally asked myself that AT THE TIME and still continued doing it. I even chose playing softball over community theater when they conflicted, which is really just a terrible decision all around considering my life path so far. I mean honestly.

The answer, by the way, is because I was unable to stand up to the crushing guilt and inner people-pleaser I harbored in my soul.

Even when I came to my senses my junior year and decided it wasn't worth it anymore, I was talked back into it by a coach who is one of those guys you didn't so much worry about making mad as much as you worried about disappointing them. You know those people? I hate those people.

My first year was terrible for many reasons, among them being I was the only 8th grader, I didn't know anyone, and one of the high schoolers took a pregnancy test during practice one day which made me wildly uncomfortable.

That nightmare was all it took to convince me not to play in 9th grade, but in some cruel twist of fate, my friends actually played and I watched from the bleachers. I reeled with regret. So of course when 10th grade rolled around I relented and joined up again. But it wouldn't be my life unless most of those friends realized hey, softball isn't that fun, and quit on me.

And that's how you found me declaring "NEVER AGAIN!" my junior year but totally ending up doing it again. Apparently the team "needed me." Which was total crap. That team needed me like the Internet needs a new Harlem Shake video (AM I RIGHT? Topical zing!).

By the time I reached my senior year it was like why not, you know? I was the oldest now, I had a fellow senior by my side...all in all it wasn't so bad.

Except, oh yeah, I got benched pretty hard. The pitcher took my spot at first base and I spent half the games eating trail mix and enforcing the no-singing-dumb-softball-cheers rule in the dugout. But I did get a hoodie with my name on the back... that I couldn't wear to school because hooded sweatshirts were not allowed even though crew necks (which are totally lame) were allowed. I guess they promoted gang violence or something but I mean really one look at any one of us would've dispelled any fears. (Private school problems.)

Thus concluded the meteoric rise and fall of my athletic career.

My only real accomplishment was getting the "Wildcat Award" aka the Christian award aka "you're nice to people and a total goodie goodie." But I WILL TAKE IT.

I mean, sure, I guess learned about teamwork and dedication and not giving up and whatever, but was it really worth all the running? I'm not so sure. It takes a lot for something to be worth running in my book.

Did you play sports in high school? Do you feel like it was an accurate representation of your interests/passions or something you just kind of did? Did you win any awards?

Did a mean girl trip you up at first base so that you skinned your legs up during prom season like me? Let's chat about it.

Killer Tribes (No Attendees Were Harmed In the Making of this Event)

Last weekend I went on a trip to Atlanta with a girl I met on the internet. That came out wrong.

Actually, no, that's exactly what happened.

Because last weekend my Twitter-pal-turned-real-life-pal (who you met here), Elizabeth Hyndman, and I trekked down to the ATL to hang out with some other bloggers, writers and tribe-leaders at a conference called Killer Tribes.

Despite what it may sound like, it's not like running with the bulls where you are chased by a mob of angry natives from a foreign land. I'm almost certain no one was impaled by a spear during the course of the weekend (but don't quote me on that).

No, no. This conference is for people who want to lead. Some were there to learn how to better lead businesses, some to lead fans or followers, but all of us to lead...someone. A group. Dare I say...a tribe. (I KNOW I KNOW I deserve an award for that one. Just let me know where to pick it up.)

Pictured: Jamie, Elizabeth, Sarah, me

On Friday night, I got to meet some of my Twitter friends (IT'S TOTALLY A THING YOU GUYS) and eat cake pops with mustaches on them and talk about Justin Timberlake and how Google Reader ruined all our lives...and I'm not gonna lie, it was good to be around "my" people.

We stayed in Athens with one of my best friends, Sarah, then woke up too early for my liking on a Saturday and trudged back to the ATL(ish) to mingle with people we didn't know.

Let me tell you, a room full of semi-to-severely-introverted writer-types trying to mingle is kind of a hot mess, but we did it, you guys. We really did it. And I talked to people I didn't even know from Twitter. Everyone give me a virtual high five.

Here are a few things I learned (some might be applicable to you, some almost certainly will not):

1) Sometimes when you avoid wearing your cat shirt so that you won't match your friend who also owns said cat shirt, you neglect to ask your Twitter friend what she is wearing and end up matching her instead.

2) Regret is not bringing your Evernote Moleskine to a blogger/writer conference.

3) People will pay you to ghost-tweet. Jason Boyett was part of the "How to Make a Living as a Writer" panel, which I loved. I learned a ton. He does communications-type work and part of that is ghost tweeting. I want in. Guys, you wouldn't have to hear as many tweets from me because I'd be busy tweeting for other people. It's a win/win. So if you know anyone, it's really for the betterment of society that you recommend me.

4) People will also pay you to write their stories for them. Shawn Smucker did a great job in the same panel talking about how he got started writing books for other people (and himself). I loved it. I've done some journalism in college and love interviewing people and writing their stories for them, so this is definitely something I'm going to try to pursue.

5) On an unrelated note, services I now offer include ghost-tweeting and ghost-/co-authoring. I'm only 10 percent joking.

6) Capitalize on your experiences and what is unique about you. I loved John Saddington's talk about utilizing on things you take for granted: your interests, your background, your culture. It was a whole new way to look at my situation and draw material from.

"Maximize your God-given uniqueness…do not take even the shoes you wear for granted."

For example, he used his long-time World of Warcraft fandom to create a dating website for World of Warcraft…type…people. He's an entrepreneur so he thinks differently than I do, and it was really cool to hear his perspective.

7) Ask questions to everyone you meet. Learn from them. (Crystal Paine)

8) I still love spoken word poetry. Check out Amena Brown. She was fantastic.

9) Maintain real life friends, and be careful not to let your tribe become an idol. I learned this from Kristen Howerton, who was just great. I've only read her blog for a few months now, but I like her style. She had a lot of great insight on valuing and growing a tribe but still balancing online/real life.

10) Great lists are in increments of 3, 5 or 10. I had to get to 10. So…I also learned…how to separate an egg yolk from the white using an empty water bottle (thanks, Tripp & Tyler!).

If you're a leader of a tribe in any capacity, or would like to be, you should go to this conference next year. And we can be real life friends if we're not already.

Playing Catch Up

So, guys, I have a confession to make. I didn't write a post for today.

I know, I know. I'm the worst.

But I have this whole day job thing and it's been quite busy lately and I literally didn't have time.

So tomorrow I will make it up to you by writing the best post you've ever read in your life. Or, y'know, ramblings about something I saw on the Internet. It could go either way.

But until then, please enjoy my recaps of Dancing with the Stars from the last two weeks over at Xtra Bacon if you haven't already:

Xtra Bacon's First (And Probably Last) DWTS Recap

DWTS Recap: Razzle Dazzle and Razz-a-mataz

And if you have, please enjoy some of my older posts that I still kind of like:

The Legend of Furby

Falling Apart When Your Bible Isn't

The Ballad of Spencer Pratt (With Actual Rhymes)

Five Reasons 3D Makes Me Hate My Life For 3 Hours

Dear Chris Brown: That's Enough Out of You 

Thank you for your understanding, and may your day be free of Rihanna songs.

DWTS Recap: Razzle Dazzle and Razz-a-mataz

Apparently misery loves company, because some of you actually read last week's recap of Dancing with the Stars (DWTS). So here I am again, bringing you all the news that's fit to print concerning B-list celebrities bumbling their way through dances I've never heard of. Is it just me or are the costumes exponentially worse than they were in the first episode? Glittery flight attendants, unconvincing lifeguards, and Wynnona is literally wearing the same policeman outfit as her partner. Except he's wearing a fake mustache.

I already hate this episode more than the last.

Also I'd just like to ask why this show is so unapologetically cheesy. Are they really panning past all the contestants they've already introduced while they smile and wave and wink at the camera?

Anyway, on to the dancing.

1. Inigo Montoya. (As he will henceforth be called because I can never remember his actual name which I think is similar to Inigo.) The montage essentially consists of a scene which is uncomfortable for everyone, where they talk about the need to have a penny in your butt.

SIDE NOTE: I keep thinking they're about to say Inigo is dancing with Kim Jong Un but then it's just dumb ol' Kim Johnson, which is not nearly as interesting.

He does the quickstep which I think is just synchronized running. The judges rhyme a lot and say things like "bingo ingo" and "tricky dicky" and that he messed it up because (spoiler alert) it was difficult. They argue about whether the problem was his frame or his footwork but basically they settle on it was OK but not GREAT.

Judge guy breaks in to bring the required drama and tell us that it is time for the VERY FIRST (in this season) JAZZ NUMBER and he literally uses the phrase "hi-jinks and high-drama."

This feels even more forced than the Bachelor.

Preview: Andy Dick trying to do the worm! Dorothy Hamil's body can't take it! Coaches yelling!

I see Sean's parents in the crowd and it warms my heart a bit.

2. Dorothy Hamil. Guys. Are you ready for this? I hope you're sitting down. Dorothy has a cyst. But she's brave and wants to keep going but her coach won't let her so she just has to sit there filming him dancing on an iPad but really probably checking facebook.

We get a lot of glimpses of Dorothy's bloomers and her partner looks like he came out of That Thing You Do. I dunno. It looked right to me until she almost fell sliding under his legs. So there was that. Lady judge says it was just fear not the cyst but they seemed to make a big deal about it before so I'm thinking maybe yeah it was the cyst.

She doesn't get good grades and she is clamping her partner's hands on her waist REAL hard during that post-performance interview. I'm just sayin'.

3. Jacoby Jones. He and his partner pose in a way that looks like he is sitting on her but JAY KAY you guys it's just the way they were standing and the fact that they have matching pants.

Oh snap, y'all. JAZZ time.

His partner refers to him as "Jacoby Jones"…like both names..which I feel like is a little much. Then he farts in rehearsal and she looks like she hates her life.

Little ballerinas come in and whip him into shape and the most adorable girl ever tells him she's got her eye on him and does the Barney Stinson thing.

The dance begins with a 10-foot tall woman in a trench coat…seems weird but OH NO FOILED AGAIN it's just her on Jacoby's shoulder you guys.

Their dance reminds me of Princess & the Frog, so I'm on board.

British judge says it's full of "razzle-dazzle and razz-a-mataz" which I assume is a good thing. Full disclosure, I can hardly understand a word this guy says most of the time.

Spanish guy is too excited about everything.

Perhaps my favorite part though was in Jacoby's post-dance interview when he was asked about the little dancers being hard on him:

"It felt like being trapped in a house, and they took up all the bathrooms."

….?? Is this Bad Lip Reading?

SIDE NOTE: You can vote on Facebook now? What kind of goof-around voting system nonsense is this? In my day you had to pick up a phone and call a number to vote for someone on American Idol and wait until you got through. Sigh. Remember 2001?

SIDE NOTE AGAIN: Do these people rehearse in a Peruvian compound? That building looks like an impenetrable fort.

4. Victor Victorious or something (Boxer Guy, for those of you keeping track at home). Basically Victor and Lindsay argue a lot and then they hug and make up. I'm actually kind of a huge fan of Lindsay and her ability to be a sane person in this show.

Dance opens on a wanted poster for "Vicious Victor" and "Lucky Lindsay" and I kind of want to vomit but also am left wondering how many hours their creative department spends on this crap.

The british guy calls it "scruffy" and people boo and he says "if you prick me do I not bleed?" Which I kind of enjoyed.

Spanish guy mispronounces Denzel and tells him it looks like a Zumba dance and that he needs to keep his bum underneath himselef.

Also Girl Judge impales her forehead with her bracelet.

5. Wynnona Judd. Wynnona's motivation this week, if anyone was wondering, is to…wait for it…not pee her pants. Her hair is about 8 shades of orange and her partner calls her babe a lot.

They enter on three-wheeled police segway contraptions and I'm not 100% certain she can see through sunglasses AND a hat AND her makeup. Like I'm a little concerned.

Her dance is a quickstep and it looks like it was in slow motion so I'm thinking that can't bode well.

Spanish judge talks about her boobs needing high security and British guy is not impressed.

SIDE NOTE: Do you think they make the host add all the scores in her head or do you think they multiply it for her in real-time? It seems like a waste of energy but I mean who wants to add quickly on national television?

6. Zendaya. Full disclosure I now adore Zendaya. I rediscovered the greatness of her performance last week and have since watched it about 5 times. She makes me enjoy dancing, which none of these other yahoos do.

She's basically amazing again and makes me enjoy myself for three minutes while watching this show.

Spanish judge says a star was born but I'm not really sure that this is the correct platform to be making those kind of assumptions on. Like how many famous dancers do you know and how many of them were made famous by Dancing with the Stars?

She gets 9s and I'm a huge fan.

7. Andy Dick. In his montage he says this is the first time he's experienced an exorbitant amount of stress and not drank, so I guess he has that going for him.

Unfortunately he and his partner decided to wear hashtag shirts in rehearsal. HASHTAG shirts. They say "#teamdick." I mean honestly.

His contribution to the dance was what his parter called the "demented worm" so we have that to look forward to as well.

Giant 3D mushrooms fill the stage and they do a super trippy Alice in Wonderland dance and Andy Dick channels a dinosour with a woman on his back at some point. I'm uncomfortable. She then does some sort of move where it looks like she's magnatizing Andy's butt which is weird and he crawls under her legs and looks through her skirt frame. I'm frightened.

Star Jones (or someone I assume is Star Jones) is in the audience and is just beside herself excited for Andy Dick so I guess she's like his best friend and has been rooting for him to overcome his addiction and dress up like the Mad Hatter and do the demented worm for years and it's finally happening.

The host calls it "fun-crazy" which I'm thinking can't be that good but I guess the judges liked it.

8. Sean Lowe. Okay, even Sean's skin is orange. We have a problem. I think we're going a little too far with the costumes here, guys. The montage includes Sean jumping around awkwardly, admitting to not showering and being verbally abused by his coach.

How does Catherine feel about her future husband giving fake CPR to a foreign dancer? I'm just saying, she's already had to endure watching him suck face with 24 other girls on TV.

I love Sean but he looks CRAY during this dance. Like his perma-smile and bulging eyes are a little too much for me.

Spanish judge says he has charm and charisma but it was TOO JITTERBUG, which is what I was going to say.

British judge didn't like it "at tool" and Louie Anderson is in the audience.

Is it just me or does Sean's partner look just like the mean step-mom from the Lindsay Lohan parent trap?

9. Aly Raisman. She makes a joke about quick-stepping-it-up and her partner tries to teach her how to be dramatic because I guess she was just too normal.

I don't know--it looks good to me but I am concerned that they almost bumped heads during the dance. And she definitely is hamming it up out there so high five for learning how to make faces when you dance.

The judges say it was the best quickstep of the night so apparently that's a big deal.

10. Real Housewife of Somewhere. She's wearing a glorified dance recital outfit which makes her look even older in my opinion. Her partner cries because he wants her to do well and I guess he's just sad that she's so terrible and his name is still Gleb, if anyone was wondering.

Can I just say how much I hate that these things have themes? Literally there is a beverage cart on stage. So unnecessary. WE GET IT YOU'RE A FLIGHT ATTENDANT OKAY?

She shakes a lot and then everyone makes airplane-themed puns about turbulance and bumpy rides and not taking off so all in all not looking good for Housewife.

Maybe she should have brought the dog out again. Apparently he was a better dancer than her.

Female Judge gives critique to the partner/expert dancer which I think is a little uncalled for. Poor Gleb.

11. D.L. Hughley. Apparently he got the first "4" in two years, which I think means they're playing it a little Paula-Abdul with the whole rating system.

"This went from a fun thing to Hunger Games in tights."

Sure he's being dramatic but 1) this show could use more drama and 2) it's a Hunger Games reference so I'm automatically in.

He complains and cusses a lot and the partner is not having it and they fight.

Watching the performance all I can really think about is how nervous I am for him after all that and how the girl singing messed up the words to the song and is now SCATTING.

Spanish judge calls him "my dahling" and Female Judge reminds him that he got slammed last week. He gets some 5's this week which means they told him it was great but really it was only 10% better than last week.

12. Kellie Pickler. The spray tan is not helping Kellie look any less crazy and neither is the way she says "brawd-way jay-uzz hay-unds kinduh thang."

This dance is apparently going to be ART and the judges may or may not GET it.

It opens with a lot of light sabers and Kellie is swimming with her legs while her partner carries her.

Basically she's kind of suprisingly amazing and her legs are still taller than I am and her partner is wearing no shirt. Oh, and the band butchers another song--this time Ellie Goulding.

Apparently the dance is so good that Female Judge's boobs almost pop out and host guy passive aggressively adds that it wouldn't be the first time. Female Judge also calls it "FREE-GAN" amazing, whatever that means.

Why do they keep showing Louie Anderson? I mean I know he's going to jump into a pool from a billion feet in the air but COME ON.

I am informed that next week is prom themed. Ugh.

Kellie thinks her scores are uh-MAY-zing. The End.

RESULTS:

Apparently Dorothy Hamil bowed out due to her injury so everyone else gets to stay, including Andy Dick. No justice, I tell you. None.

Who do you like best? I'm team Zendaya all the way at this point. She is the only person I've rewatched a performance for simply because I enjoyed it.

Alternatively, which part did you hate the most? I'm gonna say first, how uncomfortable Andy Dick's performance was, and second, the band.

How "Call Your Girlfriend" Would Really Go Down

Side note: It was really hard to choose which gif I wanted to use. There are a lot.

Robyn.

Sweet, sweet Robyn.

I think it's adorable. Really, I do. If the world were all cupcakes and @insta_kitten photos, this would totally work.

But sadly, it's not, and your song "Call Your Girlfriend" is the most ill-concieved plan ever put to music.

And it's not fair of you to give this advice to a man you supposedly love under the guise of knowing what girls want to hear just because you are one. He is going to take it seriously. And literally. If you haven't noticed, men don't like subtlety and nuance. You have to give it to them straight if you want to elicit any sort of response.

Fortunately, that is exactly what you did. You spelled it out for him phrase-by-phrase.

Unfortunately, it's going to go down in flames.

That poor, naive man of yours is going to listen to your advice, nod his head and go call his girlfriend to break up with her exactly like you said:

"It's time we had a talk."

"Here are some reasons why I like this other girl better than you. There, there, it's not your fault."

"But I just met somebody new. And now it's gon' be me and her. So..."

"Look, don't get upset and start second-guessing everything I've said and done. Ok, now you're upset, but look, I never meant to hurt no one. The only way your heart will mend is when you learn to love again. It won't make sense right now but I'm totally still your friend, y'know? I'm letting you down easy!"

On what planet would this girl not immediately hang up the phone, drive to his house and promptly punch this guy in the face? She'd probably demand to know what the heck he was thinking.

"Look, Robyn told me this was the best way to handle it! At least I didn't tell you how she gives me something I never even knew I missed! Or how different it is when we kiss!"

Punched again. This time in the gut.

"I thought I was [GASP] letting you down [GASP] easy...[GASP]"

I mean seriously. What ever happened to sisterhood and solidarity and all that?

Come on, Robyn. Help a girl out. Don't make a guy cheat on his girlfriend with you and then try to act all understanding of the girl's feelings.

You gave up that right when you made out with whatshisface. You don't get to be like, "aw poor girl just tell her it's not her fault and let her down easy." No. You tell him to face her like a man (NOT over the phone), tell her exactly what he did and then immediately turn around and run fast because of the aforementioned punching that will inevitably ensue.

Gah.

I'm so disappointed in Robyn's boyfriend. Like this was actually going to end well. Plus he's just going to hate Robyn for giving him that terrible advice in the first place, and then he's going to be girlfriend-less.

First he had two, now he has none.

No one wins when Robyn is involved.

What can we learn from this scenario?

1) Do not cheat on your significant others. Especially with women who wear fur coats and dance around telling you how to break up with said significant other.

2) Do not take advice from Robyn. She is woefully misinformed and clearly unable to foresee the potential for negative outcomes.

What would you do if someone broke up with you like this?

R.I.P. "Going Viral"

Since the dawn of social media, videos, images and songs have circulated around the Internet. As years passed, the speed at which these things traveled increased dramatically. Videos began accumulating hundreds of thousands of views in a matter of weeks…then days…then hours. Soon the mainstream media and the rest of society needed a term to describe the act of "being viewed by a crap ton of people in a short span of time."

Thus the term "going viral" was born.

It was a status to which all videos and other forms of media aspired. Once you "went viral," you knew you had made it (or at least your boss finally considered your social media stats as legitimate "ROI"). Though the line between being just an average video and one that has "gone viral" was never precise, there was a clear distinction between a video nearly everyone had seen and a video only a small community had viewed.

And that was fine for a while. It made sense and helped us to quantify a video's perceived success without referring to it as the aforementioned "viewed by a crap ton of people."

But over the last couple years, the number of people on the Internet has grown, and the percentage of those people who are utilizing social media skyrocketed.

Because of this, videos travel faster than ever (and fizzle out just as fast), and so many videos are viewed by so many people that more videos "go viral" now than ever.

As a result, every day of my life on CNN I see "so-and-so video goes viral."

Kid President. Harlem Shake. That video where the guy sings about what happens to Disney princesses after the movies.

It's not news if it happens every day, CNN.

And you know what? This DOES happen every day. Videos "go viral" constantly. That's just what the Internet IS now.

So I propose we retire that term altogether. It has lost all meaning because we've used it so much.

It's kind of like when someone calls everything "epic" or "amazing" and then when something really is amazing, like an elephant riding a unicycle, it doesn't mean anything anymore.

It's not a perfect metaphor, because unlike the above scenario, I don't think we can rein it in and only apply it to certain videos or memes who reach a certain standard. They all reach that standard.

So let's just get rid of it altogether and say "this video exists on the Internet." Or something. I think that's more accurate. The "and a lot of people have seen it" part is pretty much assumed, if you're talking about it.

Going viral is no longer anything special, society. It's just not. Let's let this term die with the harlem shake.

What's your favorite video on the Internet?

XB's First (And Probably Last) Dancing with the Stars Recap

 

(ABC makes their own memes now. Seriously, this image came from their website.)

By now you may know that the community here on ol' XB loves/hates us some Bachelor. (It's complicated.)

By now you probably also know that this year's Bachelor took about 5 seconds to breathe, then jumped into a glittery blazer and went to dress rehearsal for Dancing with the Stars.

Though I've only seen two full seasons, I know enough to know that in general the Bachelor/Bachelorette is pretty insufferable. This year, though, was different.

I don't know if you've noticed, but Sean is awesome. And the girl he picked is awesome, and it's just all around a love fest of awesomeness.

So I felt like I had to give him a shot on DWTS, even though I have never watched the show.

And y'all, it was pretty darn terrible.

And not terrible in the way that The Bachelor is terrible but you're still entertained most of the time. Terrible in the way that you almost fall asleep while Andy Dick is crying about dancing being difficult and how he has let people down because he was on drugs or something.

Ugh.

It's even worse because they're not even competing FOR LOVE. They're just competing. I'm not even sure what they win. (I don't think it's pride.)

So without further ado, I present the recap (I'll try to make it less boring than the actual show, which shouldn't be too difficult because hopefully this post doesn't waste two full hours of your life.):

1) Kellie Pickler. I literally did not recognize her until her background montage told me who she was. She has a Jamie Lee Curtis haircut and makeup caked on like Emily Maynard. But don't worry, her voice hasn't changed. Still the worst. Like I can't even comprehend how someone in 2013 has that strong of a southern accent. And I grew up in Alabama.

Oh, and she was good at dancing and her torso is longer than my entire body.

SIDE NOTE: I already hate these judges. They say even less real words than American Idol judges (full disclosure I have not seen this season). The British Guy just said "yum yum pig's bum, that was fun" and I want to die.

ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: This band is terrible. Mostly just the singers. Why do they hate Jessie J so much? Why don't they use tracks? Or failed American Idol contestants? Then it'd all come full circle, you guys.

2) Some Boxer Guy. I think he had a hard life and then he is a clumsy dancer and does this pose with his mouth open at the end. Boring.

CATHERINE ALERT. I was just wondering where she was and then they showed her. I miss Seatherine already. Ca-sean? Their names don't fit very well.

TOO LITERAL JOKE ALERT: "We get most of our cast when their judgement is impaired." - Host Guy.

3) Some Soap Opera Guy. He was apparently on a soap opera for 18 years. General Hospital I think they said. I don't know who he is but he literally said he "does a lot of stand-up paddleboard racing now," like that's a calculated career move, so he's got that going for him.

The judges have a heated spat when British Guy is all, "TOO MUCH LIFTS" and Female Judge and Overly Suggestive Spanish (?) Judge are all "LEAVE HIM ALONE HE'S GORGEOUS" or something.

Basically he gets to wear a wifebeater and Sean has to wear what looks like a smoking jacket made out of Dorothy's shoes so there is no justice in the world.

4) Some Real Housewives Lady (AND HER TINY DOG). The dog for some reason comes with her onto the stage and looks VERY sedated throughout the interviews. I'm wondering if he's actually animatronic. She's worried about cheating on her husband of 30 years because her partner touches her butt and she is surprisingly conservative to look the way she does.

The first part of the dance is in black and white for some reason I guess to make it classier and her partner's name is Gleb. Don't worry she passed off the dog before she started dancing. He probably needed to go crash in a crate somewhere. Or recharge his batteries.

5) D.L. Hughley. I only vaguely recognize him from like 90's comedy or something but apparently he had a hard life too and was in a gang and it was sad and he found comedy which I think is nice.

He's the only one who has perspective in this show so far. His partner tells him not to move his arms like she does because it's what ladies do, and his response is "ALL this s*** is what ladies do!"

He does a ridiculous hip-sway/gyrating thing that I wish I had a gif of (this video will have to do) and is pretty much terrible but I kind of like him because he's obviously not taking this as seriously as Andy Dick (see: crying).

BAND UPDATE: I didn't think it was possible to butcher "Apple Bottom Jeans," but by jove, this band has done it.

6) Zendaya. Y'all don't have to explain to me who Disney Channel stars are, so I knew exactly who this girl is. She actually has dance training (she's on a dance-themed Disney show) so she was actually very good and super likable. No qualms with Zendaya. Also her partner was wearing bright yellow patent leather loafers.

7) AWWW YEAH, it's Sean time, you guys. First he's charming in his interview and we get to see Catherine some more, then he classily says something like "people want to talk about my personal life a lot [cue images of "virgin bachelor" US Weekly covers] but I don't really see how it matters."

We get to see him try to learn to dance which is also charming and adorable (as expected).

Foreign partner girl tries to suggest that he "rub himself" to which Sean responds "woahhhh," which only cemented my adoration for him further.

He's actually not terrible and gets to start out his dance holding a rose to which I'm assuming his response was "pshh no problem I got the whole holding-a-rose-and-looking-handsome thing on lock" which made his confidence level skyrocket.

The judges thought he was ok at dancing but applaud his "fearless exuberance," which I feel is pretty good feedback.

DISCLAIMER: I know zero point zero about dance, so nothing I say here will have anything to do with technique, if you haven't figured that out already.

Also he danced to "power of love" which just makes my heart happy. Win and a win for ol' Sean Lowe in my book.

8) Aly Raisman. If you don't remember, she's on the U.S. Olympic gymnastic team from last year. I was a fan of hers so I was excited to see her dance.

Her voice is kind of terrible (I was unaware of this seeing as I'd only watched her do gymnastics silently and/or tweet), and her breasteses were way out of control but she did a good job I guess. She was less likeable than I'd hoped.

COMMERCIAL COMMENTARY: This Splash show looks like the worst show of all time. The fact that they can legally claim any of these jokers (except maybe Kareem Abdul-Jabar) as a celebrity without being sued for false advertising is outrageous. Let's make Louie Anderson jump into a pool from 35 feet. Sure, great, do that.  And Community is on the chopping block? I hate everything.

9) Dorothy Hamil. I knew who she was, at least, but I mean does any one really care anymore now that Sean has already gone?

She was probably good but I zoned out after it started snowing on the dance floor.

10) Wynnona Judd. Just…sigh. She talks about how her husband is named Cactus and got in an accident and everything is sad. Then she dances and it's pretty boring and basic and like I could probably do it even though I can't dance at all but everyone is nice to her because she's so sad about life.

11) Andy Dick. More tragedy…addiction, rehab, and annoying voices. He talks about how this is his big chance to start over and some kind of nonsense and then he cries because it's too hard. First episode. Also he pushes that "I've treated everyone in my life poorly because of my addictions" thing SUPER hard. Like he tries to work it in to completely unrelated scenarios like Ben did with his dad dying on the Bachelor.

Literally his partner said something like "No, Stay" and laughed and said it was like she was treating him like a dog, and he goes "Uh, no it's ok I've acted like a dog for most of my life." I mean, seriously.

Anyway I honestly can't remember a thing about his dance because I started looking at Facebook or something when he started crying and I just don't care anymore at this point because this show is super boring.

12) Jacoby Jones who is apparently a football player and you probably know better than I do.  He mumbled a whole lot during his post-dance interview as if his stature didn't make it obvious enough that he was a football player. I thought he was actually good but British Judge said it was all showy and had no real technique. I know nothing about technique so there you have it.

And this concludes the first (and most likely last) ever Xtra Bacon recap of Dancing with the Stars. I hope you enjoyed the ride. Please collect your belongings on the way out and don't forget to vote for Sean because he's the best.

If you watched the show, who was your favorite? If not, which one of these B- celebrities would you root for?

Meanwhile, In Canada: Inmates Escape Via Helicopter

This is a real news story that really happened this week.

Two inmates escaped from a maximum security prison via a hijacked helicopter in Quebec on Sunday afternoon. The helicopter literally dropped down ropes for them and then flew away.

I mean, y'all, I don't endorse escaping from prison or dumb ideas in general, but this particular dumb idea is pretty awesome.

I just kind of like that someone was ballsy enough to think, y'know what, we're not only going to escape from jail, but we're going to do it in a helicopter in broad daylight and shimmy up some ropes like it's freaking Mission: Impossible. And the other guy like high-fived him and they began using their allotted one phone call per day for months to plan this out with their non-incarcerated friends who for some unknown reason like these people enough (or owe them a large enough debt) that they are willing to take the 100% chance of going to jail as well (because let's face it, this is not ending well).

If you think about it, it's kind of like the guys who lowered the sick man into the temple from the roof for Jesus to heal, right?

No...you're right, it's not like that at all.

I also like that they got about half a day of freedom before they were apprehended and put back in jail. I mean, was it worth it? Was it worth using all your phone calls over who knows how long just to get to go eat at Chili's or whatever then get put right back in jail, when you could have been talking about like the Walking Dead or Tierra's sparkle on the phone with your mom or something? I'm just asking.

Now you're all in jail.

But you know, I guess you are forever the guys who ascended out of a prison into a helicopter and flew away while everyone just looked on dumbfounded because I mean really when does this ever happen in life? So...good on ya, mate. (If you are Australian and/or British please feel free to correct me on how people usually spell that phrase. And also please send Cadbury chocolate.)

I like to think in some alternate reality Chris Harrison was in on this (because he likes to be included). Like he went rogue and actually swiped the helicopter from the Bachelor warehouse (they must have invested in their own helicopter by now), then piloted it over a Canadian prison to help inmates escape.

Sorry all my references are Bachelor-related lately. I don't really know what else to do with all this nonsense in my head, especially now that The Bachelor isn't on anymore and Sean is now on Dancing with the Stars and I have to decide whether or not it is worth enduring to watch Sean try to dance on national television. But let's face it he'll probably be surprisingly graceful and win over the hearts of millions like he does every second he's on TV.

Back to the story.

The suspects escaped in a white Cadillac Escalade, which is another tile in the rich mosaic of their heinously conspicuous plan.

The police tracked the helicopter these guys RENTED and then hijacked, then they tracked the Escalade, and had them back in custody like six hours later after a shootout.

Just terrible planning all around, but I suppose if you're going to legit ESCAPE from prison, stealth is not really in the cards.

Can't believe this happened in Canada. Even our prisoners are lazy.

What do you think was the logic behind this plot? (Or was there any?)

Half-Court Shots

Sometimes it seems like everyone in the world is competing with one another. Every individual person is stacked up against each other. Sometimes it feels like we're pretty alone even when we're in an arena full of people. I think particularly in our country we are raised to be individuals, pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, suck it up and keep on keepin' on. There's a part of that that's really great. Our country is one of the few in which the way you grow up doesn't necessarily dictate the way the rest of your life will play out. I hope that's always the case.

But when you learn to separate yourself from others and compete for jobs, boyfriends, whatever they win on WipeOut...it's hard to feel like we're all on the same team.

Sometimes moments come along that remind us we actually are. On the same team, that is. The team being humanity and creations of the Most High God.

One event in particular exemplifies this sense of unity in a way I've rarely seen duplicated: the sunk half-court fan shot.

Half-court shots bring people together. I'm telling you.

You can have the fiercest of rivals packed into an arena together. The person on the court may be wearing colors you absolutely despise and refuse to dress your child in for fear they might rub off on him.

But the moment that ball is soaring through the air, perfectly in line with the basket, something starts to take over. You stand. Your heart flutters. Your jaw drops. You freeze for a split second and visualize it going in, as if that will help make it happen. You're...rooting for him, and you don't even know him.

Then suddenly: SWISH.

The entire crowd yells in victory with the stranger who just won tuition or pizza for life or money for his wife's hospital bills. Someone like YOU just made that near-impossible shot. It's incredible.

And for the smallest moment in time, no one is jealous.

No one hates that guy.

No one wishes they were at home watching Scrubs reruns.

Because something truly amazing just happened, and even though you had nothing to do with it, you were somehow a part of it.

So you cheer and jump and laugh and clap.

YOU GO, STRANGER GUY. YOU GO.

In that moment--you're all on the same team.

After a few minutes the excitement fades and you go back to hating your rival and complaining about the long line at the concession stand.

But for one split second, you were family.

That's why I love half-court shots.

SkyMall Highlights, March 2013 Edition

Last week, as you may have noticed, I did a lot of galavanting. Usually I don't travel much for work, but for some reason last week took me straight from New Orleans to DC back to Nashville via plane. This also means [drumroll please...] SKYMALL COMMENTARY. Aw yeah, you guys. It's that time again.

So here we go...SkyMall "Early Spring 2013" Highlights, commentated by yours truly. [Read the first edition here.]

In what universe is killing a squirrel a sign of brawn, particularly to the extent that one would display this accomplishment on the wall for all to see? Even in West Monroe, Louisiana, this would be unacceptable. Phil Robertson just kills squirrels because he's bored during a pet photoshoot with Mrs. Kay and her terriers. No one is impressed. I mean, okay, we're impressed with Phil, but even he wouldn't display a squirrel on his wall like it's something to brag about.

And this particular squirrel looks like his soul is lurking behind those resin eyes waiting for revenge. They even included the ARMS, for goodness' sake. I'm no hunter--in fact I think I would be the opposite--but in my limited experience with mounted taxidermy trophies, I have never seen half a deer sticking out of a wall. Faux dead squirrels should be no exception. It's just creepy.

For the person in your life you would do anything for...except hold an umbrella while they strap in the kids.

What time is it? I DON'T KNOW, okay, mystical clock? Why all the mind games? Who needs this kind of stress in their lives? This is like the opposite of a digital clock.

What's a bed bug thwarting sleeping cocoon, you might ask? It's that thing where your paranoid neighbor wraps himself in an impenetrable fabric sac at night so as to prevent bed bugs from sinking their little teeth into him as he sleeps. Did you know bed bugs have teeth? Well, you do now, thanks to SkyMall. I don't know about you, but I don't appreciate their scare tactics. Also weren't bed bugs a thing like three years ago? Wasn't it kind of like an anthrax type deal? I could be wrong.

What if there is a fire and you are trapped in your bed bug thwarting cocoon? What if you are struggling to get out and you fall off the bed and are unable to escape? What if in the fortunate event that a fireman comes in to save you, you have to explain to him what this monstrosity is and that you thought a bed bug attack was more likely than a fire, which is a real thing that happens? These are questions you need to ask yourself before investing in one of these glorified pillowcases. (Though high five to the copy writer who chose to use the word "thwarting" in a SkyMall catalog.)

Just…no. This whole bacon thing is really starting to grind my gears. It's like, okay, it was cute and ironic for like 4 minutes, but we're done here, y'know?

I imagine this necklace would be worn by someone in a movie like National Treasure or Eagle Eye and the necklace would serve as instructions for the protagonist and a clue to the overall plot. She may or may not be a love interest but would most definitely be dragged around against her will throughout the entire film.

Dustbuster? More like GHOSTBUSTER. (Stop it. You're too kind. Seriously I'll be here all week.]

So these shoes are for...clumsy hippies? Seriously--toe bumpers? I mean I am clumsy but not once in my life have I thought to myself, "man, I really wish these shoes had toe bumpers." Oh and also they are the ugliest things I've ever seen. And cost $80.

This is technically an ad on the back of the magazine, but I just couldn't not comment on it. First of all, is or is not that blonde girl plotting to kill the American girl singing karaoke in French because she secretly loves the dumb guy in the middle and thinks American girl is stealing him away from her? Is it a love triangle and this rando ginger is just happy to be there, blissfully unaware of the situation? And why is this girl SO ecstatic about singing French karaoke? I get the feeling she laughs like Fran Drescher or Janice from Friends. Ugh. This kind of thing is why they hate us.

Until next time…

What's the worst/best thing you've seen in SkyMall? Do you have any other observations about these items I missed?

Video Games Just Got Creepier (Starring Willem Dafoe)

As if video games weren't getting creepy enough with their too-close-to-real-life animation (see 30 Rock for a breakdown of animation creepiness), one particular game has decided to take it a step further and not only have such animation but recreate real live actors within the game, and then tout them as the stars. So instead of either a) just filming them in real life or b) just having them be voice actors, the creator of this game decided, hey, let's make this harder than we actually have to and recreate every minute detail of these actors' faces and mannerisms and have them actually star in the game.

I can just hear the pitch.

"Guys, so it's like it's a movie, but you can CONTROL it. I mean the line is totally blurred, you know? That's the GENIUS of it. What? No. No one will think it's creepy or unnecessary. It's the new frontier! Let's spend years of our lives making this happen so that we can make trailers for our video game and use the names of famous actors to get people to buy it."

It's just a new level of creepy, really. Why do we need an animated Willem Dafoe and Ellen Page in our lives? Why? If they voice acted you could still use their names. Why spend what I can only imagine was months upon months designing their faces just so the people themselves would actually be in the video games?

Do gamers care about this sort of thing? Is this an attempt to draw movie-goers in to gaming? I just don't know what the angle is here. Especially because it seems like the target audience is my age group (do teenagers even know who Willem Dafoe is?), and if we're not into video games by now, chances are we're not going to be.

The only other explanation is that they accidentally shrunk down Ellen Page and Willem Dafoe and inserted them into a video game and now they are trapped in this world and have to live the rest of their lives in whatever (apparently gritty) scenario they were dropped into.

Now that would be a movie I'd watch. Maybe.

I'm just saying who is next? This is a gateway to a new platform for celebrities. (Let's not even mention the poor video game voice-actors and avatars yet to be created that are now effectively out of a job.)

Ben Affleck? Scarlett Johanson? You KNOW James Franco is already on it. He's got like 6 minutes left in his day he needs to fill with something other than sleep, and this seems just weird enough that it'd be right up his alley.

I'm just not ready for this kind of nonsense. It's creepy and a lot of unnecessary extra steps in my opinion. But hey, I'm just a humble blogger offering unsolicited commentary on….everything. What do I know?

Do you think this is an added value to a video game or a total waste of time and energy? Who would you actually want to see shrunk down inside a video game? I actually think James Franco would feel at home there. Then maybe he'd stay there and leave us alone.

Reality Shows We Would Actually Watch

Because I am galavanting around the deep south and our nation's capital doing work-type things all week, today's post comes from my Internet-pal-turned-real-life-pal Elizabeth Hyndman. She's a great writer and regularly gives back to the community by helping us with our small talk skills on Mondays, sharing things she likes on Tuesdays, and on Fridays introducing us to the greatest videos to ever exist. She also makes me feel better about being so invested in The Bachelor knowing I'm not the only one. You should read her blog and follow her on Twitter.

...And say nice things about her in the comments because she is saving you from reading a post consisting only of a video of a little girl explaining world war 2 (pretty much my go-to feel-good video).

[the above is what we currently have on reality TV--for reference]

America. Listen. I don't know if you're aware of this, but we will now watch pretty much anything on TV.

We will watch people drive trucks across ice. We will watch rednecks do redneck things. We will watch people cook, people sing, people dance, people sew, paint, put tattoos on each other, have 19 children. And lately, we will even watch celebrities learn to high dive and regular people compete for ordinary jobs.

I would judge, but I've spent way too many hours this year watching and talking about 25 women competing for the love of one man.

So, I'm going to take the if-I-can't-beat-'em-join-'em approach and pitch a few show ideas. Hollywood, some of these are actually good. TLC, you can find my contact information on my blog (#ShamelessPlug).

1. The People of People Really, any big magazine will work, I just thought The People of People was a good working title. You combine celebrities, journalists, photographers, fashion, and the fast-pace of a weekly deadline, and you have a show. This might be my favorite show that's not on television.

2. Airport I can see this going three ways. One, it's a somewhat-scripted show about the people working at the airport. We get insight to the drama that is being a TSA employee, a pilot, a flight attendant, etc. They all see crazy stuff. It would be fascinating.

Two, you turn it into a game show. You take footage of the airport and have people play those classic people-watching games: What's Their Relationship, Man or Woman, Read Their Lips, Where's Waldo?, and so on. People win vacations if they're correct.

Third, you could just play footage of the airport. Like, an entire channel of television just switches from cameras located in the baggage claim, the gates, and the security line. I'd watch it.

3. Small Town Diner You know those old diners that everyone eats at in the movies? The kind with truckers, and regulars, and waitresses that call everyone Hon' and offer them pie? Find one of those and film it.

4. A Church I work in a church and trust me: reality. show. gold. The drama. The comedy. The cast of unusual people. The church has it all. Plus, reality shows love Christians (Duggars, Duck Dynasty, Rev Run, etc.).

5. Behind the Scenes of a Reality Show This is kind of meta, but I really want to get to know the people who work on reality shows. I mean, the camera men that follow these families around, missing their own Christmases to film other people's, hanging out with Sean in the shower, going on those whale-hunting trips. It's a dangerous job, and they deserve credit. Really, the entire reality show process is fascinating, and I'd love to see how it all works.

So, there are five pitches for you, TV executives. Just have your people call my...iPhone and we'll figure something out.

Do you have any ideas for a reality show? Which of these would you be most likely to watch?

Hot Air Balloons: Magical Joyride or Floating Death Trap of Death?

Hey guess what guys, cancel your proposal plans and your children's dreams, because hot air ballooning is no longer safe. I KNOW I KNOW.

The cutest mode of transportation to ever have been invented, and it's ruined.

You may not have heard about this because it is possibly the most depressing thing I've ever read. Nothing about hot air ballooning is supposed to be unnerving.

I mean sure, you're floating above the earth in a basket the size of a scrabble tile being suspended by only a giant balloon, but it's ADORABLE.

You are literally floating in a colorful balloon, I assume in the arms of your true love. Or just a rich guy who can afford extravagant first dates. Or the bachelor.

These things should not be allowed to literally crash and burn. They should be a metaphor for love and joy and childhood and that is it.

I mean look at this photo my friend Jess* took in Turkey:

Hot air balloons are magical and should not be associated with death.

That's why I find this story of 19 people dying in a hot air balloon crash in Egypt so cruel and ironic. NOT COOL, universe.

No one should die in a hot air balloon accident. Get comically caught in a tree? Sure. Fall out three feet above the ground before they even untie the ropes? Fine. But die? Absolutely not.

What are we supposed to tell the guy from Up? Like all of a sudden balloons aren't a reliable mode of transportation anymore? Gah.

This is a real quote from the article:

"By Tuesday afternoon, the number of dead had climbed to 19, making it the world's deadliest hot air balloon accident in at least 20 years."

World's Deadliest Hot Air Balloon Accident? Which implies there have been several other deadly hot air balloon accidents? This is an outrage.

Why is no one warning us about the dangers of hot air balloons? Why are they not emblazoned with skulls and crossbones and "enter at your own risk" and "seriously people die doing this"? They shouldn't be decorated like beach balls if they're actually floating death traps.

I'm just saying they should be more upfront about their dangers instead of projecting this air of enchantment and beauty.

Now, I've never been in a hot air balloon, but I'm thinking maybe now I never will. I'm slightly afraid of heights (more just falling from them), so it was iffy beforehand anyway.

I'll just watch the rest of you daredevils from afar. Godspeed.

Have you ever been in a hot air balloon? If not, would you now?

*Jess has a cool lifestyle/travel/fashion blog and you should follow it. :) She also obviously takes great photos.

Jennifer Lawrence for President

By now we can all agree that Jennifer Lawrence is the best person to have ever gotten famous, right?

I think it's undeniable at this point. All the Oscars did was provide her an even bigger platform to be awesome.

[I'd also like to point out, as a side note, that she is 22 and Adele is 24. I just...I don't even know what to do with that. Except rock back and forth and re-evaluate what I'm doing with my life.]

I think the thing we admire about her most is her frank honesty. She says what everyone else is thinking and would say if they felt like it was "okay" to do so. Instead they just suck it in, smile and tell everyone what designer made their dress and go practice their golf clap for the award ceremony.

At something like the Oscars, people expect you to be poised and graceful and fancy. Jennifer Lawrence, like most celebrities, is not poised and graceful and fancy in real life, so she doesn't try to be. Thats what I love.

The Oscars, to me, just looks like a bunch of celebrities--a group not usually known by their class--trying to hold it all together and pretend be classier than they actually are for one night a year. All of a sudden it's like Ben Affleck was never in Gigli and Amanda Seyfried DIDN'T play a girl who tried to predict the weather with her breasts in Mean Girls.

But I guess they're actors so they can do that. They get paid to pretend. Grammys on the other hand get Kanye interrupting Taylor Swift. I mean come on. (To be fair they tried to class it up this year by implementing a dress code, but as we all know Katy Perry saw that more as a suggestion and all was for naught.)

Anyway. What I love about Jennifer Lawrence is she shatters all of that.

She breaks the 4th wall constantly. When everyone else is trying to maintain a false sense of propriety, Jennifer is just like, "Uh guys what are we doing here. Just cut the crap and be normal."

Exhibit A:

When the press asks her what happened when she fell down, her response was essentially, "What do you mean what happened? I tried to walk up stairs in this dress. And they wax the stairs."

When they ask her if she thinks it's a good thing that she's so successful already at 22, she says "I hope so! I mean...I guess we'll see!" and then the jerk goes on to say "you're not worried that you peaked too soon?" and she says "Well NOW I am! God..."

Just the best.

I love that her frank answers to the dumb questions totally unravel them for the dumb questions they are.

She ignores the nonsense diplomatic approach celebrities usually try to employ and just answers like a normal person.

Jennifer Lawrence: the only normal person in Hollywood.

And that's why we all love her. Plus she gets to be called JLaw, which is pretty cool.

You can see more of her being awesome in this compilation of gifs and pictures from the Oscars.

What was your favorite JLaw moment?

Grocery Store Envy (Or "A Lament on Ghetto Kroger")

I pretty much hate going to the grocery store. It's the worst.

First, I drive over to what we affectionately call the "ghetto Kroger" near our house and try to navigate the parking lot without being fatally injured. It's kind of like playing Mario Kart but a lot slower and with dumber drivers. Yes, dumber drivers than Bowser and freaking Baby Peach (who let her in that game? I swear.)

After dodging three different '93 Buicks driven by people who don't understand four-way stops or how parking lots work, I finally find an open spot approximately six miles away.

It's not really six miles away, but at the grocery store, anything farther than the four rows directly in front of the store and 10 cars deep might as well be six miles away.

I inch my car in next to the tank of a pickup truck with a crooked mirror which also happens to be OVER the line (UGH) but manage to make it in.

Of course, a surly woman with three kids and an overflowing grocery cart pulls up next to my driver's side door and proceeds to open all her van doors whilst kids climb in and she unloads her groceries. I try to catch her eye and smile but actually communicate "MOVE IT LADY I'M TRYING TO DO THE THING I HATE MOST IN THE WORLD, HERE" with my mind.

She finally gets the hint after giving me the stink eye and I can go inside.

Kroger--at least our Kroger-- has this signature dingy fluorescent glow that really grinds my gears, but by now I'm used to it. They're usually out of some form of produce and/or meat I need after I've meticulously made my grocery list for the week, requiring me to think on my feet and hopefully replace it with something else on the fly, hoping I'm not forgetting anything required to prepare it. (I usually do.)

I maneuver up and down the aisles, crossing things off my list (I put them in a general order of how the store is laid out since I go there so much) until I reach the end an inevitably I have forgotten something like almond milk which they recently MOVED to the healthy section of the store which is back by the produce, which I started with. (Did I mention I don't deal well with change?)

And WHY is everyone ALWAYS in my way, no matter which way I'm going or what aisle I'm on? Either they're going too slowly or they've stopped completely or they're standing in front of the ONE thing I need and simply cannot decide on which type of granola bar to buy. But nobody is ever behind me or in front of things I DON'T need. Is this on purpose? Why can't everyone just MOVE? Ugh.

Luckily the people that check me out at Kroger are kind of the best. They do it approximately 150% faster than I would at the self-checkout and usually don't care if one of my coupons is expired by a week.

All of this wouldn't be a problem if I could shop at Publix. Shopping IS a pleasure there, after all. No really, it is.

Walking in there is like walking into a nirvana of freshly-cut meat and colorful, organized produce. The people are happy and helpful but not pushy. The floors are clean. They have a bakery that looks trustworthy. They straight up give you some of the seasoning they use on their steaks just because they don't carry it in the store.

Sigh. No one is EVER in my way at Publix.

Too bad 1) we don't have one near our house and 2) we would officially be broke if I shopped there. Unfortunately you get what you pay for, I guess. And say what you will about Kroger but they send me coupons in the mail based on what I buy and some of them are just free money coupons like "save $5 on a $50 transaction." I mean, come on.

I have also recently discovered how glorious Whole Foods is. While people ARE in my way there, they have a "Grill" and gelato and BINS of things to make your own trail mix and organic produce as far as the eye can see.

I will make fun of kale-eating hipsters until the cows come home, but one step in there and I turn into "must…eat…organic…buckwheat….pancakes…"

We walked in there the other day and they just gave me a rose. It was like I was on the Bachelor and Whole Foods CHOSE me. It CHOSE me, okay? You hear that, broke married person budget? Just let me LIVE.

Sigh. One day we will be able to afford to buy organic buckwheat pancakes and make our own trail mix. That's the dream.

Until then…stop blocking the Kroger-brand sunchips, old man. I'm low on cash...and patience.

Do you envy other grocery stores? Which is your favorite?

The Problem with Ann Perkins of Parks and Rec

So, Ann Perkins, right? You can't say her first name without her last name (thanks to Chris Traeger)...and...that's about all I've got in terms of Ann fun facts.

Do you know why that is?

Because Ann has become a complete non-character in Parks and Rec.

I'm sorry, Rashida Jones. I like you and all, but it's true.

She has no quirks. Zero. She dates around a lot I guess. Is that supposed to be her thing now? It's hardly unique. She's actually become kind of pathetic, in the way that I just feel sad for her.

Poor Ann.

Even her name is average.

Her relationship with Leslie is about 95% Leslie, so she's basically useless there. She's the odd man out at the Parks department because she only works there because Leslie pushed her into some B.S. public health PR job.

Let's just run down the list of people she has to interact with:

She's awkward around Ron because he doesn't care and she won't force herself on him like Leslie does. She's awkward around April because April hates her. She's awkward around Andy because she dated him. She's awkward around Donna because she's intimidated by her. She's awkward around Tom and Chris because she dated them, too.

I mean, come on, Ann. At least TRY to be social with people without dating them. She just stands around in scenes and acts...normal.

Normal is boring, Ann. This is Parks and Recreation. Get it together. She's kind of like a sponge. The other actors try to bounce stuff off her and she just absorbs it all sad-trombone-like and sucks the life force out of an otherwise entertaining scene.

STOP BEING SUCH A SPONGE, ANN. GAH.*

It's hard for me to see a clear-cut answer to this problem.

Whereas The Winston Problem could be fixed in a number of ways, as Knox has already addressed, I'm at a loss for The Ann Problem. Maybe it's because she's been such a non-person sidekick for so long I just don't know what else she could be?

Here's my best pitch: Ann gets a legit, long-term boyfriend who is actually entertaining and their relationship itself would become a new character. Then a) she has someone else to interact with NON-awkwardly, and b) it makes her more interesting by association. She needs someone new.

Because let's be honest, sure you can still have a BFF when you are married, but it's not the same. It's never going to be Leslie and Ann again. It's Leslie and Ben...plus sometimes Ann, the perpetual 3rd wheel.

Do you recognize The Ann Problem? How do you think we should fix it?

*Is it just me or is it really fun to yell at Ann?