In Memoriam: The Ringtone

I remember my first polyphonic ringtone. I got my new Nokia cell phone with the interchangeable hard case and its color screen for Christmas and could not wait to break it open, go online and chose a ringtone. Polyphonic ringtones were all the rage at the time. No longer did you have to suffer through the intolerable midi note-by-note rendition of your favorite pop song, but you could now have a bassline and a melody. Right and left hands simultaneously. Sure, it was still midi and sounded like a bad karaoke track, but it was POLYPHONIC.

No matter that we had never heard the word polyphonic before this and would never use it again after the fad faded, polyphonic was the holy grail of personalization.

Your ringtone was an extension of yourself. It announced to the world (loudly), 'here I am, and I listen to Fall Out Boy, and I think that is an acceptable representation of my taste in music and therefore personality.' Then people could judge you accordingly. Especially if your phone rang during something like graduation or church or English class (my English teacher took it upon himself to answer your phone for you if it rang. It was horrifying.).

I did not take this decision lightly.

I remember it well. We were at my grandparents' house in Calgary, Alberta (Canada, for those of you who are not Mandie Marie or one of my relatives). My parents had brought some of our presents up for us to open and the phone was one of them. I went over to my grandparents' PC and carefully selected my brand of individualism: "The Remedy" by Jason Mraz.

I'm not proud of that choice, but I'm not exactly ashamed. It definitely could have been worse.

Ringtones eventually progressed into ACTUAL CLIPS OF SONGS, which didn't really work that well because you couldn't tell if it was just music playing over the speakers of the restaurant you were at, or if your phone was ringing. We eventually tuned in to the frequencies of what it sounded like for crappy samsung speakers to be playing a 30 second clip of a pop song, so much so that we often thought we heard a phone ringing when in fact, it was just the music, or some high pitched white noise, or phantom ringing like that thing when your arm gets cut off but you can still feel it itch. I assume.

You would think the rise of smart phones would take that to the next level -- upgrading to FULL songs or like, holograms of your favorite musicians popping out of your purse and singing to you that you have an incoming call. But in light of all the other cool things smart phones can do, ringtones fell by the wayside. Who cares about updating your ringtone every six months so that yours is not painfully outdated when you can do things like the INTERNET?

I made the switch to a plain ringer before I had a smart phone, but that was because I was tired of having to pick out a ringtone. It was such a meaningful decision and I didn't care enough to put that much effort into it. (Making decisions is hard for me.)

I think another reason ringtones fell away is because people became less interested in making their phone scream their personality. I like to have a case on mine to somewhat reflect my style and differentiate it from others' phones, but with the iPhone, most people just accepted that all our phones would look the same and no one really cared because again, INTERNET. And NO BUTTONS.

Think about the last time you heard a cell phone ring. Was it anything other than that old-timey phone ring (android has this as well) or the calypso drums that come on the iPhone? Probably not. I hear the same ring as my phone on a daily basis.

So I'd like to take a moment to remember the ringtone and all it meant to my adolescence. Thank you, ringtone, for allowing me to declare to everyone who I thought I was without actually having to tell them. Thank you for allowing me to judge others within just 2-3 seconds of hearing their phone ring. Thank you for all the embarrassing and hilarious moments of cell phones blaring "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy" in churches, weddings, and English classes around the country (but mostly the South).

You had a good run, and we will all miss you. Talk to us again when you figure out that whole hologram thing. Dibs on Beyonce.

What was your most memorable ringtone?

The Rise of the Introvert

If you don't know me in real life, allow me to make a confession to you: I am an introvert. I KNOW. A writer who is an introvert. Shocking. I'd say at this point in my life I'm only about 65-70 percent introverted (high fives for progress in people skills), but that's enough to count me on your side, fellow I's. I like people. I'm social. I just like hanging out in small groups and I'm still terrible at small talk. I'm the person that says "you too" to something like "thanks for coming to my show" and then gives an awkward side hug and bails (true story). But I digress.

The point of telling you all that is to share with you a discovery. It's been happening all around me (and you), and I for one could not be happier.

Introverts are taking over the Internet.

Okay, maybe not taking over. That would require too much confrontation.

But they are rising up on a glorious wave of Wordpress blogs and Twitter feeds all around the world (or at least the corner I tweet in).

You see, the Internet allows us to pretend that we're not shy. It tricks us into thinking we're good at interacting with people we don't know. (Want a reality check? Go to a blogger/writer conference and try to mingle with one another. We're adorable, aren't we?)

What it actually does is allow us to get out our thoughts coherently and then not have to wait for a book publisher to say "yes" before anyone can read it. It gives us an opportunity to have a platform without having to literally stand on a platform and speak at people.

Look at me, right now, speaking to people I don't know from behind a computer screen. Is there honestly anything more fantastic for someone who arrived at college realizing she didn't know how to make friends and instead just watched a lot of One Tree Hill in her dorm room? No. No, there is not.

Another interesting thing I've noticed is the rise of Introvert Pride.

Exhibit A: I saw this floating around on the internet a couple of months ago. I don't think this would have been perpetuated if it weren't for the internet. We would have just read it and stuck it on our bulletin board above our desk and no one else would have ever seen it ever because that's just not how we roll. But the Internet allows us to post this for all to see and say, "THIS, WORLD. HEAR ME ROAR (please)."

Exhibit B: I've seen a few different articles on how to relate to introverts, but this one got some significant traffic because it's Donald Miller, duh.

Exhibit C: Loved this article called "The Introverted Evangelist" on how introverts can still be useful without being like HEY GUYS LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THIS GUY JESUS KAY?

One of the greatest things about the Internet is that it brings like-minded people together who wouldn't have met otherwise, namely: introverts who don't know how to meet people. And those introverts write articles for other introverts, and all the introverts rejoice.

Is anyone else thinking the word "introvert" sounds weird now?

How do you lean? Introvert, extrovert or a little of both?

Snoop Dogg (I mean...Lion) and Miley Sing About Drugs

Has Snoop Dogg lost our respect by now or are we still pretending that he's a legitimate artist? Anyone that changes their name more than once is immediately written off as self-indulgent in my book. I mean if you're changing your name once, that's a little presumptuous in and of itself, but eventually society will accept it and move on. Doing it again means you're assuming we 1) care enough about you to change it in our minds and vocabulary and 2) that we will just go along with whatever nonsense you spew out about what you want to be called. You don't get to choose what you're called. It chooses you. Or your parents choose it. Or you choose it before you get famous. But you don't get to change it after the fact. It's a rule of life.

Snoop Dogg has reached this point. First it was P.Diddy, now this. Even Charlie Sheen has decided to change his name...to his real name. Am I the only one who didn't know or care that Charlie Sheen was not his real name? Whatever, we're done with him anyway. "Winning" was funny for like five minutes but go away, Sheen. I mean, Estevez.

Anyway, all this is to say that Snoop Dogg has insisted on being called Snoop LION which somehow makes even less sense. I associate Snoop Dogg with Snoopy who is actually a dog so I guess it kind of works in my brain, but I will not accept Lion.

So he is now self-proclaimed Snoop Lion and apparently thinks he is Bob Marley reincarnate. Like, really. He does. I'm not just saying that because of the song I am about to share with you.

This particular song, "Ashtrays and Heartbreaks" (you read that right) is a new release from Snoop featuring Miley Cyrus.

You might be thinking, "What? No. WHAT? NO." Because that is exactly what my reaction was.

The combination of the name change and the colab with the troubled teen star and the name of the song is a shockingly terrible cocktail of ridiculousness.

It's like they were at an improv show and someone yelled out, "Snoop Dog! No, he's changed his name to snoop LION because he thinks it reflects his new identity as Bob Marley incarnate! Now add Miley Cyrus! Now sing about drugs! Go!"

But this is our life now, America. This is our Amanda-Bynes-Twitter-feed-saturated life.

Here is the video for the song:

The second-most annoying thing about this video is there is no straight-on shots of anyone. How am I supposed to properly assess and judge their appearances (looking at you, Miley) if I can't quite decipher what they are wearing?

But the gold-medal most annoying thing is that I ACTUALLY STARTED TO LIKE THIS SONG.

What is happening to me? What is happening to society?

I expected this song to be awful, and it wasn't half bad. I expected Miley's new single to be catchy (a la Party In The USA) and it was the worst thing I've ever listened to.

I give up.

Do you support the whole Snoop Lion thing? Or Miley Cyrus? Or Amanda Bynes, for that matter?

What do you rate this song on a scale of 1 to "Mirrors" by JT?

The State of Saturday Night Live [Podcast]

With Seth Meyers leaving to host Late Night, Fred Armisen and Bill Hader leaving and possibly even Jason Sudekis too, SNL is entering a new phase of life. Losing Kristen Wiig and Andy Samberg was hard, but now we are left with only Bobby Moynihan and the ever-present Kenan when it comes to long-time vets.

Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Are we ready for a new start or are we going to reel from their loss?

Though no one asked us, Knox, Mark and I took it upon ourselves to discuss it and provide our (non)expert opinions on the subject.

Check out the podcast here!

You can also subscribe to Xtra Bacon on iTunes to make sure you don't miss any of the upcoming shows from the network.

I'm on vacation this week with my family in Orlando, so I may not be talking at you the rest of the week (at least on my blog. We all know I can't quit tweeting.)

Follow my Twitter and Instagram for all kinds of entertainment like my entire family dancing to Men In Black and me being too excited about a Dr. Who shirt.

What's your favorite SNL skit from this season? 

Impressive People You Should Know About: Ariana Grande

The Internet is flooded with hoards of famous and semi-famous and almost-famous people nowadays. Singers, actors, dubstep dancers---all at varying levels of popularity, which you can now rate objectively and calculate into their worth thanks to youtube views and Instagram likes. Thanks, society!

With all these randos clamoring for your attention, how do you know which ones to pay attention to? Well, I'm here to help.

I do a lot of sifting through the Internet, for better or for worse, and today I'd like to share with you someone I think is worth knowing: Ariana Grande.

Who's Ariana Grande? Glad you asked. [Pretend you asked, okay?]

Ariana Grande [see how I'm using her name multiple times so you don't forget it? It's actually a name-remembering technique for those awkward mingle times at receptions and conferences. You're welcome.] is somewhat of a child star. STAY WITH ME.

It's no secret that I am well versed in the "Just for Kids" section of Netflix and iTunes movies. Before we cut cable (sigh), I watched an inordinate amount of Disney Channel and Nickelodeon for a 24-year-old grown up with no kids. I still watch Phineas and Ferb on Netflix on Saturday mornings SO SUE ME.

Anyway all that to say Ariana was (is?) on a show called Victorious on Nickelodeon, which comes from a family of actually-funny shows created by Dan Schneider (Drake & Josh, iCarly). She played a bright-red-haired ditsy girl named Kat who was actually pretty funny. All the characters went to a performing arts school so (you know where I'm going with this) there was a lot of SINGING on this show. The one time I heard her sing it was like daaaaang girl! And that was how I gradually fell into the rabbit hole of her youtube videos.

What I found out was she is fantastic.

Her voice is just...what-the-what kind of good, and it turns out she has quite the following on the youtubes, which is why you probably haven't heard of her. Does anyone actually follow people on youtube besides thirteen year olds?

Anyway, to give you basically a Cliffs Notes version of Ariana's DEAL, here are a few fun facts for you:

1) She did a duet with MIKA sampling the "Popular" song from Wicked, and it is one of the catchiest things you've ever heard. The video is pretty cute, too:

2) She can do impressions of famous singers, including Britney Spears, Katy Perry and Jessie J. Be entertained:

3) She covered Mariah Carey recently and ARE WE SURE THEY AREN'T THE SAME PERSON? I mean Mariah is rolling in the Benjamins, right? She could have paid some biologists a wheelbarrow full of money to clone some of her DNA 18 years ago because who knew she would ever settle down with a former Nickelodeon star (COINCIDENCE?) turned C-list host and have twins with him? She had to keep that voice alive. I'm just saying, it could've happened. Decide for yourself:

4) Here is her brand-new single and it's basically just Mariah again but who is really going to be mad about it?

5) Last but not least, she covered my main man Biebs and it was also delightful. Plus we're beginning to need a replacement now that the Biebs is a walking disappointment. GET IT TOGETHER, MAN.

Try to tell me you're not impressed.

Then try to refocus on work and not watch youtube videos all day. Godspeed.

What was your favorite impression? 

It's That Time Again: A Look At My Bachelorette Bracket

It's officially summer, you guys. School is out, it's 800 degrees in Tennessee, and best of all, The Bachelorette is back.

Lest you assume I'm a hopeless romantic that believes in finding EVERLASTING FAIRY TALE MAGICAL ONCE IN A LIFETIME LOVE by making out with 25 different hair-gelled men on television, let me clear the air and say how well aware I am this whole thing is outrageously ridiculous.

And that is why I love/hate it.

As I explained in this last post containing my Bachelor bracket, there is a growing group of us over at Xtra Bacon and on Twitter who like to all come together and make fun of the people competing FOR LOVE. It's not mean when they are Accountants SLASH DJ's who can't spell and purposefully put themselves in the public eye to tell a girl (along with 24 other guys) that she's the most beautiful girl in the world and there's nowhere else he'd rather be and he never thought he'd fall in love like this. I'm just saying they're fair game.

[NOTE: If you like funny things and like (or hate) the Bachelor/ette you should listen to the Xtra Bacon podcast recap "For Love" featuring my hilarious friends Knox and Jamie as you go along this season. The first two previewing the hopeful bachelors are already up and are filled with some GEMS. Check them out here and here.]

All that to say, IT IS TIME. And I am pumped.

So far we know that there will be several fist fights, one tearful muscle-bound man defending himself to the rest of the guys that he's here for the "right reasons" (whatever those are), a lot of crying from Des, an angry girlfriend from back home...it's going to be a wild ride, you guys.

So without further ado, I present to you my picks for the season. To put faces with names, check the bios here. (Unfortunately the magician is already gone. I KNOW. It was really prejudiced of her.) To play along, click here for the rules and the bracket. If you do, let me know in the comments so we can all play together and MAYBE even have a prize.

[If it isn't obvious, our printer is out of black ink.]

Breakdown of my top 3:

3. Brooks - Even though I was sorely disappointed in the pitch of his speaking voice, I thought he had potential from the get-go. Mostly because in his headshot he was wearing a denim shirt over a striped one. I also saw him on a few dates in the upcoming montage so I hope he goes this far. It's kind of a long shot, but you never know (ahem, LINDSAY).

2. Drew - He's kind of pretty, and he was in all the montages. He was in my top picks from the get-go as well simply because he seemed like a normal person. I was also sorely disappointed in his speaking voice. WHERE ARE ALL THE MEN?

1. Bryden - OK I KNOW he doesn't look that great in his photo (his hair has improved significantly) and normally I would never put him in this position. But she seemed to really like him, and given that he is relatively introverted but sweet, I think he could be a great fit for her. She's pretty extroverted and bubbly, so I think she needs someone laid back. He's a respectable military man who can string sentences together like a pro (a huge asset on this program), so I think he's got a shot. Plus I saw him on extravagant dates in the montage as well. It seems unlikely now, but you just wait. He could be the next One F Jef (sigh. I still miss him.) I just really wish his name wasn't Bryden. It grates on my nerves.

Who are your top picks? Who do you think is prettiest based on the bios (AHEM Juan Pablo)? If you're not watching, what are your summer shows?

The Subtle Downward Spiral of Will Smith

Source

Guys, I'm worried about Will Smith. His kids are ruining his life.

It's not all their fault. I mean, he's responsible for them. And his career. But listen, there was a time when Will Smith was a respected actor.

Remember when he was in Pursuit of Happyness? Remember how everyone revered him as a talented actor and not just the guy from Hitch and Men in Black? Remember how he probably thought this was just the beginning of the rest of his life?

He was wrong. I'd like to suggest that instead it was the peak of his career and since then it's been a slow, subtle downward spiral.

And it all comes back to his kids.

Jaden was IN Pursuit of Happyness. A cute, non-consequential minor role. Now, he and his sister are just scowl-faced fashion emergencies rapping about God knows what and Will has to just stand around going "that's my baby!" like he's proud or something.

Well let me tell you, he should not be proud. He should be disciplining. Because people are starting to lose confidence in him. I'm starting lose confidence in him. I'm worried I'm not taking him seriously anymore.

I'm genuinely nervous that he's falling off the radar and slipping into some kind of crazy uncle will status where he's always talking about the good ol' days when he was on Fresh Prince.

I mean seriously have you seen how many times he's rapped in public lately?

SEVERAL.

It was funny and amazing the first time when it was special because he never did it. It's not so funny and amazing when you take a mic from the house band on Letterman after you've ALREADY started rapping over your intro music and they just kind of let it happen and throw you a mic because you are STILL rapping without one.

It's just sad, Will. Kinda sad.

I'm sure it's hard when your kids are such attention-hogs (full disclosure: I learn everything I know about them from Suri's Burn Book) to not grab mics and be all "REMEMBER ME YOU GUYS I USED TO RAP" but come on Will. It's not classy and you know it.

Let's put on our big boy pants, man up and do a real movie. Not some weird M. Night Shyamalan buddy-cop-type thing with your son where you're actually the one riding HIS coattails and your name is Cypher Raige. I'm just saying, it's not cute. He should be greedily using YOUR fame to get ahead, not the other way around.

I don't think anyone has noticed his gradual drop off because of the flashy ego-parade that is his children, but I am noticing, Will, and I think you should step it up.

No more gratuitous rapping on late-night shows. No more movies co-starring with your son.

Real live grown-up movies.

You can do it, Will. We believe in you.

What's your favorite Will Smith movie?

Giant Snail Invasion [This Is Not A Drill]

My fellow Americans, I don't know how to tell you this. There's no combination of words that would make this news easier to swallow, so I'm just going to have to lay it out there. The United States of America is under attack.

By whom, you may ask?

Giant snails.

Giant, creepy, African snails are currently slithering their way across backyards in Florida (because OF COURSE it's Florida) until they have their way and eat all our oranges.

To properly convey the level of terrified you should be, allow me to share some unnerving facts about these slimy beasts.

1) These snails can grow larger than a baseball:

I MEAN WHAT THE WHAT. That thing could suck your face off.

2) They have no natural predator. According to the video, agriculturists usually try to eradicate pests with natural predators to be all PC and not tick off PETA or whatever, but nothing in the wild eats these things. Probably because they taste like hatred and unjustified revenge and mucus. So they just go on reproducing and eating all our food until we eventually die off and snails take over the continental United States and rename it Snailtopia and then China WINS. And we don't want that.

3) They can lay up to 1200 eggs PER YEAR PER SNAIL. TWELVE ZERO ZERO. This is not conducive to avoiding Snailtopia.

4) They eat "literally everything that grows." People grow. Are we a target? Well, we grow for a little while. Maybe I should revise that to "children grow." OMG are the children in danger? This thing just got real. Eradicate the snails... FOR THE CHILDREN.

Keeping all of these horrifying factoids in mind, the state of Florida has assembled a team of SNAIL HUNTERS (trademark pending, probably) to go around to people's backyards and dig up African Land Snails so that we don't become slaves of a snail race in 2054, which I appreciate, considering how much Dr. Who I've been watching lately.

I also enjoy the fact that someone will be able to put "SNAIL HUNTER" on their resume for the rest of their lives if they so choose (I totally would).

Florida is confident that they will "win the snail battle." Let's hope so. I am far too wimpy to do manual labor for snail kings.

Join with me in the fight to prevent Snailtopia. Y'know, in spirit. Because I am not going anywhere near those things.

A Lament About That One Time I Failed My Driver's Test

Guys, I know we don't really talk pain around here very often. I'd much rather ramble on about space tortillas and Ke$ha's hidden talents than spill my guts to you, because let's face it, that's more fun for everyone.

But today I'm going to go out on a limb and share a painful memory from my adolescence. I have silently lived in the shadow of its shame for far too long--even managed to conceal it from most people I know.

I will share it in the hopes that one day--maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow--but one day, it might bring some teenager hope that they are not the only one.

Because let me tell you, in my situation, I WAS THE ONLY ONE. I'm pretty sure.

This is the story of the time I failed my driver's test.

It was the day of my 16th birthday--June 25th, 2004.* My mom, ever the prepared one, had of course done her research and found that you MUST get to the DMV BEFORE they open to beat the crowd.

So, my mom and I drove to Opelika at like 8am (in the summertime, I might add) to stand outside the DMV. Of course, we were not the only ones who had come upon this same research, and we still ended up having to wait behind a few people.

The next hour or two is kind of a shameful blur in my memory, but I'll try to relate it the best I can.

I remember being extra anxious and a surly black woman being my examiner...tester...supervisor...what do they call those people?? She may not have been surly. Or black, for that matter. I was really nervous. Again, it's all a blur.

A kid in my class had come back from his driver's test earlier in the school year (passed, of course) and said that he'd almost failed the test for waiting too long to pull out onto the road. In retrospect this makes little sense (wouldn't you rather be safe than sorry?), but driver's tests are tricky business and you have to do everything JUST SO. And maybe his surly proctor had somewhere to be and took it out on him. I don't know.

Of course the moment I get behind the wheel and edge out to the end of the driveway to turn right onto the road, I see a car coming from my left and this instance immediately pops into my mind.

If you want to know anything about me, you should know that I second-guess everything and I am super indecisive. I don't do well under pressure, especially if it is a 50/50 type situation. I tend to just get flustered and convince myself it makes sense to do this one thing when in reality most normal, thinking human beings would have done the opposite. This was one of those situations.

The car was approaching at a reasonable pace but was still far enough away that I could make the turn without endangering my life, I figured. I remembered my poor classmate and how he had nearly failed his test for waiting too long.

I can't FAIL my driver's test, I thought. It's social suicide.

The car was still chugging along and I had mere seconds to make the call. It's now or never. I wait too long or I go now.

I cracked under the pressure and went for it.

Now you may be picturing some kind of Fast-and-Furious-27 style peel out, but I was driving a Montero Sport armed with nothing but a learner's permit and a growing anxiety attack. So you can do the math, there.

I creeped along, well under the speed limit of course, but not TOO slow, hands at ten and two, sitting up straight (posture totally counts), and the woman asked me to take a right at the next intersection. I switched on the turn signal at just the right time and rounded the corner, breathing a sigh of relief. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad.

The woman asked me to take another right at the next intersection. Sure, I could handle that. Again, nailed it.

The woman then asked me to pull into the parking lot we had just left. Thinking perhaps she just wanted to see my superb parking skills or that I had done everything so well that she needn't test me any longer, I pulled in.

After parking the car (beautifully, I'm sure), the woman proceeded to tell me that I had pulled out into the street too close to the approaching car (i.e. cut them off), which is considered a "dangerous action" and an immediate fail of the test.

She needn't test me any longer because I did something unforgivable, not because of how awesome I was. She might as well have put me in Azkaban.

As a 24-year-old who has been driving for an entire EIGHT years now, I probably wouldn't think twice about pulling out when I did. No one was going to die that day. Again, this is not Fast and the Furious 86.

But on a driver's test, it was apparently too risky, and I had to do the walk of shame back to my mom's car and wallow in the passenger side while she drove me home because I was too depressed to drive back home with my measley learner's permit.

Let it be known that I am fully aware of the irony of failing a driver's test because of my direct attempt to avoid the one thing I thought would make me fail my driver's test.

The worst part is they make you wait two weeks before you can re-take the test---which I did and passed with flying colors, by the way.

So you just have to explain to everyone when they run up to you going "SOO???" (or even if they just know you are now 16 years of age) that you did in fact fail your driver's test--something, at least in my mind, about .0001% of 16-year-olds do. The ultimate in humiliation. Those people then proceed to go "AWWWWWW I'm SO sorry" like you've lost a loved one or maybe just any semblance of pride, which makes it 8000% worse.

To pour salt in my already festering wound of failure at this adolescent rite of passage, that evening I went with my family to pick up my brother from summer camp, and went over to say hi to my counselor I'd had a few weeks prior. I must have mentioned it was my birthday and of course then had to explain that I'd failed my test that morning.

He promptly made fun of me and I died inside a little more. (Weren't college guys supposed to be MATURE?)

You guys, don't make fun of people who fail their driver's test. But don't make it the end of the world, either.

Just say something like "Aw, bummer. Let's go to Sonic and get milkshakes." Because who doesn't like milkshakes? Especially when they have recently suffered a catastrophic blow to their self-worth.

Have you ever failed a driver's test? If not, what was your experience like? (Oh and congratulations or whatever.)

*If anyone's keeping track at home, yes, that means my golden birthday is this year. I like chocolate and coffee and Tim Riggins.

Chris Hadfield, Space Hero

Outer space is fascinating. It's one of those concepts that sounds insane for it to even exist--like it's just this fun story to tell kids and make sweet dioramas about but not a real thing. Kind of like dinosaurs. (Those things were REAL you guys. I can't be the only one who thinks that is strange.) This is mostly because of my own self-absorbed hyper focus on what is happening in my tiny corner of one tiny continent on one tiny planet in the universe. I rarely think about space.

But it's there. Things exist outside our planet. It's hard to believe sometimes those planets and stars and various arrays of space-rocks in the photos are actually real and that people have seen them. You guys, people have WALKED on the MOON. Why are we not more impressed by this on a daily basis? We should just walk around going "YOU GUYS THERE IS AN AMERICAN FLAG ON A BALL OF ROCK FLOATING IN THE BLACK NOTHINGNESS MILLIONS OF MILES FROM OUR PLANET" like all the time.

I mean people voluntarily LEAVE our PLANET and just float around amid balls of gas and nothingness...for science! And that's really it. No other reason than just to know things. Space is awesome.

All that to say, if you haven't heard, there is a fellow out on the International Space Station right now* who has been filming the greatest youtube videos of all time. His name is Chris Hadfield. He's Canadian (what up) and is doing all sorts of fun show-and-tell videos about what it's like to live in space.

First of all WHY has no one done this before? Why has no one else wrung out a wet washcloth in space and filmed it for the rest of us to see? Why has no one showed us how to eat gross rehydrated spinach or sing David Bowie or brush your teeth in space?

Well, Chris here has stepped it up and filled that void in the human experience.

I am learning so much from this guy, including the fact that they can't use bread for sandwiches in space because of crumbs. CRUMBS. They would just float around and never fall to the ground. I mean duh, of course they wouldn't, but if I were an astronaut I totally would have just packed bread for my sandwiches like an idiot and then been like OH NO THE CRUMBS ARE EVERYWHERE and now, thanks to Chris, I know to use space tortillas. Y'know, should I ever been in that situation.

I love that scientists have to think about trivial things like crumbs when considering sending people into the great beyond where there aren't even things like oxygen to do important science things for the future of humanity.

Here are a few of my favorite videos he's done:

The one that sparked my interest in it all: what happens when you wring out a wet washcloth in space.

How To Eat Dessert in Space:

How to Sleep in Space:

(I mean come on, how adorable was that video? SPACE PAJAMAS.)

Oh and just for good measure, he also sang "Space Oddity" for our entertainment, and he is now in the running for most beloved (and most fantastically-mustached) astronaut of all time. I love the Internet. [more videos here]

So now you know way more about space than you did before. Should you ever try to take a sandwich in your backpack to space. Thanks, Chris!

Also, make sure you never go to space sad and expect to subtly shed a few tears when no one is looking. The tears just jumble up on your eyes and obstruct your vision until you wipe them off with a towel. Plus there is no crying in space exploration. Just like baseball.

What do you wish you knew about living in space? SIDE QUESTION: Have you ever been to space camp? (I have. And his dessert looked way better than that touristy freeze-dried ice cream crap they sell in the gift shop.)

*according to Twitter apparently he came back to earth last night...right after I wrote this.

Tales from a 3rd Grade Journal: Vol. 3

Workin' it on the first day of school

It's time for another exciting episode of Tales from a 3rd Grade Journal (Journal…Journal…)! The only blog series that provides you with profound insight into the mind of an eight year old in small town Alabama in the 90's. [read the past two volumes here: Vol. 1  Vol. 2]

This week's featured entries include some thrilling life milestones like puppies and hugging football players along with a rare glimpse into the heart of a bitter feud between friends. Let's dive in.

11/22/96

Dear Journal,

Not this past Sunday, but the Sunday before that we got a new puppy. We named it Molly. I'm listening to a mini boom box. It's my mom's. I spent the night with Katie last Friday. Today I hugged [redacted]. ^Also Today the football team is (well did) leave-ing to go play Pickins. Take State! [redacted] is my favorite football player and is also going to graguate from highschool. I'm going to miss him! Don't tell anybody but I don't like alot of attention when I get hurt. --> [insert page turn here]

Also don't tell about [redacted] liking [redacted]. Since I've moved, I've had a few best friends, here they are: [lots of names that I should probably redact because I'm facebook friends with them and people might get offended if their names aren't on this prestigious and exclusive list].

Emma and I have a lot of fun together. We play B.B.'s (which are Barbes.) and do a lot of stuff together. Thanksgiving is also coming up and Nany & Papa are coming. I better go now. Bye!

Love, Laura

12/13/96 almost x-mas

Dear Journal,

Today I lost [redacted]. She said that she was not my friend anymore. I said "I don't care!"

I don't like anybody in my class. (of course I'm talking about boys). [redacted] is a pain. He bugs everybody. (He's a little bit fat.)

We have a class play coming up. It's called "a visit from Santa". (the night before X-mas.)

Gotta Go!

Bye!

Love, Laura

P.S. Nerdettes alwasas stick together!

EDITOR'S NOTES: Okay in my defense, this kid was THE worst. But I still feel a little bad about writing that. It was a journal, okay? Don't judge me. It was a different time. Also it should be noted that all the words in bold here are highlighted in pink highlighter. I think it's safe to say someone gave me my own highlighter for the first time that day. I think calling my friends and myself "nerdettes" was my first attempt at self-deprecating humor. Maybe.

12/16/96

Dear Journal,

I have no worthly idea why, but [redacted] is not my friend because I'm a goofball. Uh, isn't that stupid? It doesn't make any sence. She used to be one of my Best Freinds!! Well I say Good Reddence! Ya know, I don't think she really likes me. Oh well,

Bye! Love, Laura

EDITOR'S NOTES: Y'know, 8-year-old Laura, I think you might be on to something. And again with the highlighter.

Befriend goofballs, everyone. We have feelings, too.

The Legend of Lady Gaga (And also where the heck is she?)

LOL remember when she looked this normal?

Once upon a time, there was a bright, young, up-and-coming singer named Stefani Germanotta--known to most by her stage name, Lady Gaga.

The young woman burst onto the music scene, first appearing in an episode of The Hills before taking the world by storm just a few months later.

Her first hit, "Just Dance," though ridiculous, had an addictive melody and synth composition. Resistance was, as I learned, futile.

Soon she became known for more than just her music; her outlandish outfits came to be expected and even anticipated by audiences across the globe. To us, they were watercooler fodder. To her, statements on society.

Either way, no matter how larger-than-life her persona became, most people were still on board. It's all a part of her image. It's performance art. It's a character. Whatever you wanted to call it, it was working.

Lady Gaga cranked out hit after hit off her debut album. You couldn't go anywhere without hearing "Poker Face" or "Bad Romance." Plus, this is when people still kind of liked Glee, so we heard about 900 versions of any given Gaga song.

Every now and then she would do some respected side project or performance to remind us she was actually talented--singing with Tony Bennett, acoustic piano versions of her electronic pop hits--all of which totally won me over.

I stood by Lady Gaga, despite her ever-growing antics. I defended her to my friends. Not in a "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE" kind of way, but in a "you know, she's actually pretty talented even though she's crazy" kind of way.

She won me over time & time again until I took a step back and realized her path had at some point crossed a line into being creepy and no longer just a celebrity being a celebrity.

I hold celebrities to a different standard of humanity. They are allowed to be about 150% crazier than normal human beings because their entire life relies on self-promotion and they live in the spotlight and blah blah blah. Plus most of them aren't Christians anyway so that right there gives them a different frame of reference on what counts as acceptable behavior and what doesn't. So I can't really hold them up to my own standard and judge them accordingly. I mean, I can, but I understand why they don't live their lives the way I would if I were them.

Anyway, all that to say, I have a fairly reasonable bar of expectation for celebrities before I'm going to go all "this person is a nut job" on them.

But y'all, Lady Gaga took a turn. Suddenly it wasn't just meat dresses and Kermit hats anymore. Suddenly she was like performing seances on stage and pretending to be hanged and there was always a lot of blood. I mean why so much blood, Gaga?

All this would be fine if her music had stayed up-to-par. Let's face it, we as a society are willing to overlook a whole tankload of crazy if the person still makes solid art.

But no. Lady Gaga's much-anticipated sophomore album was largely a letdown. I mean "Born this Way" is pretty catchy but we all kind of agreed it wasn't very original. "You and I" is admittedly a pretty great song, but I'd already heard her perform it, and "Edge of Glory" was fine but not fantastic. No one cared about the rest of the album.

The jukebox of semi-generic synth-pop that was Born This Way was kind of the nail in the coffin for Lady Gaga, I think. That combined with her never-ending attempts at activism.

I quote the new Golden Moon Buffet podcast (which you should totally listen to BTW) when I say, "People don't like it when people try to do more than one thing."

It's true. If you're a singer, don't try to start a nonprofit. If you're a singer, don't try to act in movies about Facebook. The public will not thank you for it.

The only person who can get away with stuff like that is Beyonce and that is because she is great. I would add J.Lo to the list but she's very mediocre at music AND acting so I'm not really even sure how she's as famous as she is.

The question I pose to you now is, WHERE has Lady Gaga gone? I haven't read anything about her in months, and we definitely haven't heard a new single in a while.

I don't peg her as the type of person to give up. It's highly possible that she could be hibernating in a human-sized cocoon waiting for the right moment to do some sort of like David Blaine emergence and burst into her new single and she's like totally naked except for a mic headset (because isn't that the only thing she hasn't done yet?) and covered in goop and she's like gotten some zoologist to breed a real live phoenix and it swoops down and bursts into flames and then no one's even there to see it because no one cares about her anymore.

I'm just speculating, here.

Thus concludes the meteoric rise & fall of Lady Gaga.

Where do you think she is? Do you want her to come back or stay in the cocoon?

Ke$ha's Songwriting Method Defies Physics

Yesterday whilst perusing the Internet, I was minding my own business when I noticed an article titled "How Ke$ha Writes Songs."

Naturally I had to click on it. Does she use word magnets? Draw words out of a hat? Rip pages out of transcripts from shamed public figures and books by Chelsea Handler? I had to know.

What I found, I never expected. Even from Ke$ha.

It was an interview with Conan in which she kindly explains she uses her breasts to play the piano.

Let's just forget for a minute how purposefully provocative this is and focus on how completely illogical it is.

One cannot use their breasts to play the piano. Period. At best you can produce some dissonant nonsense, but even then you're risking head injury. She suggested that she could come up with chord progressions doing this, which makes me question her knowledge of what a chord progression actually is.

To play a chord progression one must use multiple fingers spaced out between multiple keys, then move them up and down the piano. THIS IS STRICTLY IMPOSSIBLE USING BREASTS.

I'm okay with your party songs, your trashy image and even your inconceivably short dress emblazoned with tons of small Conan faces if you still crank out catchy hits like "Die Young," ma'am, but I am not okay with a complete disregard for the realm of possibility within physical science.

The interview stumbles on like a drunk elephant and becomes just like three minutes of Ke$ha trying to explain her songs because they are METAPHORS and EUPHEMISMS as if 1) any of us didn't know that and 2) any of them are hard to figure out.

She takes careful time to explain to us about how "Grow a Pear" is not about growing fruit and how the song about her car is not ONLY about her car but also about her unmentionables. Her songs have LAYERS you guys.

Oh, and some song she has about dinosaurs is actually about how she likes old guys. I haven't heard the song but I'm guessing it's probably obvious.

Ugh. If it weren't for the fact that I literally listened to "Die Young" on the way to work yesterday and still thoroughly enjoyed it, I would vote we excommunicate her from being a person.

What's your favorite guilty pleasure song right now? It's okay if it's Ke$ha. Really. We're all friends here.

DWTS Recap: Farting the Salsa

Aaaaand we're back!

Again, apologies for missing last week but I think my brain and emotional well-being fairs better if I take a break every now and then. Plus I did my first podcast last week, which I think should totally make up for it.

This week is LATIN WEEK you guys. I can't tell you how I know that other than the fact that they repeated it about 17 times per minute.

That means this episode is going to be a very special kind of terrible.

I'm immediately validated in my assumption because this week features GRAMMY AWARD WINNING LATIN SUPERSTAR….Juanes, I want to say? I mean honestly what was Ricky Martin doing besides caring for twins? I'm asking.

They remind us again it's LATIN NIGHT.

Everyone descends the staircase to the cheesy intro music and I really wish I knew who composed this song so I could give them a swift kick in the pants. It truly is the worst. It was probably the band leader they make us thank every week for being terrible.

Inigo Montoya is still here, Aly looks like a peacock, Bruno is dancing FAR too much to this music over at the judge's table as per us', Jacoby shimmies a lot, and Zendaya throws up her trademark gang symbol because she's so hard. I did find out (definitely NOT by stumbling upon her Twitter page) that she does that symbol as a Z for Zendaya so DON'T WORRY GUYS she's not a Blood or anything. She's just good at branding.

"Tonight our contestants are going to do a LATIN dance performed by a LATIN song by LATIN grammy award winner Juanes and did I mention that it's LATIN night?"

YES, host guy, AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU DID.

Adding another layer to this cluster of awful that is this episode is the fact that there are TWO rounds. If you get the best grade in the first round you get immunity this week and don't have to dance the second round, which is [wait for it] a DANCE-OFF.

Y'all this is really happening. I hope it's just like Step Up. Or what I assume Step Up is like because I never saw it.

JACOBY JONES.

Here we get to be reminded just how badly the band butchered Stevie Wonder songs last week even though Stevie Wonder was ACTUALLY THERE. I mean honestly did he have to sit through this nonsense? He CAN hear, you know.

Anyway, according to Jacoby's partner, this week it is ESPECIALLY important to be good because only ONE couple gets immunity. As opposed to every other week when 14 people get immunity? Sigh. Just dance, Katrina. No one wants to hear you say things.

Katrina ignores my advice and throws out the non-word SNAPADOODLE and I really wish she would just stop talking.

Jacoby tries to do a lift and Katrina is all, "Grab my legs, Jacoby, not my arms. [grabs her arms] My legs. [grabs a different part of her arms] MY LEGS."

Sigh. Football players, AM I RIGHT?

She kicks him in a face a lot, he makes a joke with poor comedic timing, and he takes a day off to recover from both [DUN DUN DUN]. Will they still learn the FOUR dances they have to do this week? Let's find out.

They fake playing Latin-themed percussion for a minute (because it's LATIN WEEK you guys) they do a lot of spins and at the end it looks like he caught her head with his crotch as she slid under but OH IT WAS ON PURPOSE. I literally gasped, so I guess it worked?

The audience seems to be OVERJOYED at the pure magnificence displayed before them.

Len: "Was that an earthquake or did you just rock this place?"

Sigh. Who gives him these lines?

He says it was good but TOO MUCH LIFTS for his taste.

Mama Jones gets ANGRY in the audience and does the Barney Stinson watching-you motion.

"SOMETHING FIESTA SOMETHING SOMETHING" Bruno goes on and on and thrusts a lot an he is wearing a blue suit and people are screaming and I'm just super overwhelmed. It's sensory overload here.

"I loved it." - Bruno. Shocking.

Girl Judge: "It's like you could FART the salsa. It's like, man, that guy FARTS salsa."

And she looks around like "RIGHT? AM I RIGHT?" and everyone's just like "ew, Carrie. Ew."

The host literally says "Really?" Am I the only one picturing like Pace salsa coming out of someone's butt? I'm done here.

Girl host is totally appalled and says that ladies are NOT supposed to say that word but let's face it, fart jokes are funny across the board.

"My grandma says if you keep in it, you gon' die, so I let it out."- Jacoby

His partner looks MORTIFIED. What is even happening on this show anymore? Is this still on TV?

Girl host says talking about such things is NOT good for "all of us back here" which I assume to mean…hosts? It reflects badly on them? Are their reputations REALLY on the line here? They are hosting DWTS and ol Tom over there goes rogue every 15 minutes so I really don't think she has any grounds to be upset at a little fart talk at this point.

He gets 9s and the host reminds us it's LATIN NIGHT again but also adds "or what we like to call Carrie Ann-over-sharing-night" which makes me actually like him for once.

INIGO MONTOYA is apparently doing a Nacho Libre salsa, whatever that is.

Back from commercial and some people named Emma and Sasha are dancing for no reason I guess to give Juanes something to do because he is singing his little heart out up there.

YOU GUYS. There are currently animated flames coming out of Inigo's head. ANIMATED FLAMES.

Seriously if this show had any dignity left, it is now in the pooper.

OMG they are showing scenes from his General Hospital days and it is the most 90's fabulous thing I have ever seen.

In rehearsal Inigo's partner is wearing a flowy dress with a bikini top underneath, paired with legwarmers. I mean honestly get it together, KIM.

Inigo informs us that since the Rumba is very romantic and sexy he should be good at it because he's been doing that for the last 18 years (on a soap).

Y'ALL they dance to Maria, Maria by Marc Anthony. Way to earn your 9-cent royalty, Marc Anthony. Keep milking that one hit for all it's worth.

Inigo rocks a fedora and the singer is all "played by Car-los San-tan-aaaaa" …NOT. Why didn't the singer replace the name of the band member? "played by Pa-uuuul Fendermannnnn" totally works. Or he could just say "played by aCarlosSantanaImpersonatorrrrrr…." I'm just saying. It wasn't accurate.

The dance is far too long and boring but the song does take me back to 1999 so that's helping.

THE KID FROM SHAKE IT UP IS HERE TO WATCH ZENDAYA. Sorry not sorry that I knew that.

Is it just me or does Inigo's partner remind you of a skinner, more provocative Renee Zelwegger? Is that how you spell Zelwegger? Why does she have such a weird last name? I'm getting off track.

Anyway Bruno is all "They say that hips don't lie! In your case, I weeesh they deeed!"

ZING.

Man, he's standing again. He stands up whether he likes the dance or not. Apparently Inigo didn't move his hips enough and is THINKING too much.

People boo and the host is all "Heh, did you guys take BOOING LESSONS before you got here?" and everyone thought this was HILARIOUS and I want to jump out a window.

Tomorrow night the dancer who lost her foot in the Boston Marathon bombing is coming by and DWTS hopes to be "part of her recovery" and I just want to tell her to stay as far away as possible because DWTS will ruin any good thing she has going for her in her life because they are the WORST.

Inigo says his character on General Hospital would've given him an 8 which is great news considering what a dance aficionado "Jax" is.

Scores: 7,8,7

Bruno dropped his paddle when he was saying his score and host guy is like "Bruno lost his paddle, joining the MARBLES he lost in Season 1." [insert dramatic eye-roll here]

Seriously just stay with the script, TOM.

SIDE NOTE: is anyone else super creeped out by how intense Juanes is?? He's like a Latin Uncle Jesse only more intimidating.

I guess he is just entertaining people during commercial breaks because the profesh dancers are the only ones dancing while he performs.

Meanwhile a GOLF CART drives by in the background carrying Zendaya and some other dancers and WHY is everything in this show so painfully unnecessary??

Kellie & Derek next.

Apparently they got 10's last week and Len said it was the best dance he's seen on season 16 and all I can think about is the fact that we have let this go on for SIXTEEN SEASONS without shutting it down.

In the interview, Kellie is literally wearing a shirt that has "ALABAMA" emblazoned across the chest and says that "gitting a tee-un from lee-un" was so great last week.

This week she has three concerts (REALLY KELLIE? COMMIT, OKAY?) so Derek has to go on the road with her which makes me laugh. Did they like bunk up in the tour bus and eat cereal together and did he come to her shows and stuff? I need to know what this experience was like.

"We're gonna be dancin' zawmbies Monday naght." - Kellie

OH NO THEY DIDN'T. THEY ARE DANCING TO "SHAKE YOUR BON BON."

They really should rename this episode "Throwback to the late 90's Latin Explosion" night.

They hip swivel and thrust a lot and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable AGAIN. I should probably just start a drinking game or something for every time I feel uncomfortable but 1) I don't like alcohol and 2) I'm pretty sure I'd be too drunk to take notes after like the third dance.

It turns into some kind of interpretive dance for a quick minute and then they do a super impressive ending, not gonna lie.

Streamers fall from the ceiling when their dance ends which I think shows a little favoritism on the producers' part. I mean come on where were Jacoby's streamers?

LOLOL Carrie literally has to say "Kellie…Kellie…focus" before she starts talking. Basically she says that Kellie lacks the emotional connection.

Len says it was a "mix of bootie, bounce and bongos." SERIOUSLY with the lines. Who is writing this nonsense? Len thought it was BRILLIANT so apparently Carrie is being kind of a hard-ass tonight and everyone hates her because she is the only one saying anything negative so far.

"You shook MY bon bons!" - Bruno

[insert shot of alcohol here]

Girl hosts asks Kellie if they actually did feel like zombies tonight and Kellie starts to say something but Derek totally hijacks the interview and is all like "WE HAD FUN [to audience] DID Y'ALL HAVE FUN???" like he's trying to cover up her answer because they actually are zombies and she was about to blow their cover or something.

Grades: 9,10,10.

Derek is ashamed about going shirtless in front of his grandparents but shouldn't we all just live each day as if our grandparents are watching? EH, DWTS?? Let's tone down the questionable behavior.

OH NO ANDY IS WEARING A PINEAPPLE ON HIS HEAD AND IS EMERGING FROM UNDER A TABLE.

This can't be good.

Andy Dick.

Andy is wearing a bright yellow vest.

Bruno called their performance last week a "personality-driven SHAMBLE of a samba," which I'm thinking can't be good.

"Sharna and I are in the pack of scraggly coyotes…" - Andy

I just…Does anyone even know what he's talking about anymore?

Sharna: You gotta get a LITTLE bit sexual baby, it's a Rumba. Andy: Ok, don't get mad if you fall in love with me!

Things I've learned so far this episode 1) Rumbas are supposed to be romantic and sexy and 2) Andy Dick is neither.

EWW he is kissing and fondling her leg.

[insert shot here]

People are still clapping to a non-clappable song. THIS IS NOT A THING, you guys.

Ew Andy is beckoning her like he's a serial killer.

There are SMALL CHILDREN in the front row. Why are we letting them watch this??

Len says it wasn't erotic enough and I'm wondering what planet he is on. Maybe he went to get Starbucks during the dance because they take so freaking long.

Bruno wishes he could forget it but they appreciate how much he TRIED (wah-wahhhh). This is becoming a theme.

Carrie says he has dead arms.

"I'm moving like a dancer…in LIFE" - Andy "[awkward eye shifting] Errr…I love you Andy…" - host girl

Grades: 5,6,6

Everyone goes "AWWW" and makes it 500 percent worse and Andy takes it upon himself to say that "gives him the ol' sour face." UGH. MOVING ON.

In this random setup we have the three professionals dressed as a mariachi band and Zendaya, Sean and Aly are sitting at a nearby table trying to look like they don't want to die.

Sean's not really succeeding.

Back from commercial and UGH make this Juanes guy stop singing and bring back Stevie freaking Wonder.

Emma needs to TONE IT DOWN. She is STILL in dancing character just walking up to Juanes and waiting for the real people who matter to start talking.

Aly Raisman.

Aly is wearing blue eyeshadow and I hate it.

Mark's pants have leopard print pockets which are never explained and Aly hurts his neck. He has trouble moving and they show him at the doctor (OH NOOOO).

But don't worry guys he doesn't sacrifice style in the most dire of situations, as evidenced by his wearing of a fedora at the doctor's office. The doctor says it will be a MIRACLE if he performs (FORESHADOWING Y'ALL).

They show Aly and Mark at Mark's apartment. STRANGER DANGER, ALY! You are 18!

"I hate the feeling of you out there with someone else." - Mark

Um, is something going on here we need to be aware of? I'm asking.

Aly has to dance with dumb ol' Henry in the mean time but don't worry Mark is THERE you guys.

The dance starts off with Aly behind a legit fruitstand called "Raisman's Fruit Fiesta" I mean HONESTLY how much time and effort is being spent on these sets??

I used to like Aly but now all I see is a bunch of bouncing and mouth-opening and over-the-top facial expressions and a lot of fringe.

Y'all that looks like real fruit in the fruit stand. Did they waste that just for this?

People are going CRAY over this dance and I'm not really sure why. I guess they fell for the ol' fringe and bouncing routine.

"You SPICE UP MY LIFE!" - Bruno

WHOA WHOA WHOA was that a Spice Girls reference? I like him a trillionth of a percent more now.

NOPE he's still talking and saying things like "tutti fruiti tropical delicious blah blah blah hyperbole blah blah blah" and humping the table.

[insert another shot here]

Carrie loves it and she starts dancing AT Len which sets off Bruno and it's pandemonium at the judges' table while they both terrorize Len who, surprisingly, is becoming the most sane person at the table just by observing regular social norms.

Len analogizes it to a Tequila Sunrise and I'm done here.

In the post-dance interview Aly says something about HAVING FUN because that's what people always say. I hate post-anything interviews.

Grades: 10,9,10

Sean Lowe.

Peta is upset AND bummed about last week.

SIDE NOTE: Noooo sweet Victor went home! SERIOUSLY somebody voted in Andy Dick over Victor the precious boxer? I don't understand anything about life anymore.

"I have to pretend I'm in love, and that's a struggle because I don't have romantic feelings for Peta."

AHHH is anyone else having nostalgic flashbacks at Sean's use of the term "romantic feelings?" I miss the Bachelor. It is better than this show. And that is saying something.

YAY CATHERINE TIME!

Catherine comes in to help Sean be romantic and sexy or something but I JUST LOVE THEM OMG.

"I feel like I shouldn't be watching this." - Peta

Okay so go away and let Catherine dance instead. Like anyone would even be mad.

Catherine gets embarrassed at the sexy dance because she is the greatest.

Tom reminds us that tonight we are graced with the presence of a "leading all-Spanish-language Rock Superstar" which is NOT A THING.

OMG they are dancing to "Hero" by Enrique Iglesias. So great. The only Latin music America has was released in that three year period and then it died so that's all they have to pull from.

He actually does really well and I'm SUPER proud. Like more proud than I should be. Let's get Catherine in there every week. She mouths "that was beautiful" at the end and I still want to be her friend.

Carrie was impressed and apparently takes notes in a moleskine and I'm noticing Len has some kind of peasant spiral-bound nonsense. Seriously ABC spring for some quality notebooks. Don't make them bring their own from home.

Len says he was wooden and his hands were FLAPPING away and everyone boos again and he says he is not going to speak anymore because he is offended by a booing woman but no one's mad about it.

Bruno calls it "a vision in gray…fifty shades of SHOWN."

[insert shot here]

He adds that sometimes Sean sticks his butt out and it looks like he's going to the toilet. (He's not wrong.)

It's Catherine's birthday and Sean gets 8's and all is well with the world.

ZENDAYA TIME.

She's supposed to do the pasa doble which we learned from previous episodes is like super hard or something.

Mark says it's all about intensity which is what he does best and Zendaya says he probably eats breakfast intensely.

AGAIN WITH THE NAILS, ZENDAYA. Get those things under control. It's dangerous.

She starts with castanets and I just found out I can't spell castanets.

He was right, it's super intense, but the dance is awesome because duh it's Zendaya.

"Darling you look like an angel; you dance like a fury." True Bruno nonsense, ladies and gentlemen.

He adds to keep her CHEEN UP and so does Len.

Tom asks us to give it up for the band but I refuse because they suck at life.

Zendaya gets 9's and girl host asks Mark about being intense eating breakfast and he replies some nonsense about doing the best you can taking out the garbage and loving dancing.

Zendaya says "you know what I mean?" a lot and I'm pretty sure they're stalling right now because they usually rush the heck out of these post-dance interviews.

Everyone has now danced and it's time to reveal the winner of ROUND 1.

But wait! It's a TIE! [an audible gasp is NOT heard in the audience]

Apparently they have a "rulebook" [its existence is yet to be verified] which makes Kellie & Derek win immunity.

Aw man, now they make us listen to Juanes while people change clothes. I'm fast forwarding because I refuse to sit through this when I have the technology not to.

Now it's time for the DANCE OFF CHALLENGE (Challenge…Challenge…)! Don't worry there's even an animation to tell us that.

Andy's coach says it's the first time he'll get picked first (because he's the worst and people will want to challenge him) which I think is hateful.

Everyone reminds us 800 times that the Rumba is the dance of LOVE but I thought they were pretty much all dances of love.

"I JUST WANNA WIN, DAMMIT." - Jacoby.

Man I just love that guy.

Aly and Mark get to pick who they want to dance with and of course they pick Andy and Sharna because duh, who wouldn't?

Andy and Sharna take about 19 minutes to pick the ChaCha and basically get played off because they don't pick fast enough and this is live television.

COMMERCIAL NOTE: I'm watching this on Hulu but there is a commercial staring former DWTS contestant ….HOUSEWIFE…lady….and she's talking about "I cahn't believe it's not butt-tah." It takes a lot to be a step backwards from DWTS but I'd say she's achieved it.

Back from commercial and we are informed that this challenge gets you EXTRA JUDGES POINTS!!!

…wait…don't people vote for this show? So like everything is made up and the points don't matter, just like Whose Line is it Anyway? This is pure nonsense.

"HERE HAVE THREE EXTRA JUDGE'S POINTS!" -Host "What can I do with Judge's points?" - Dancer "NOTHING!" "So…." "[SMILES BLANKLY]" "[SIGH]"

YAY they dance to Karmin! OH WAIT this means it will be ruined. I hate everything.

Aly does her mouth expressions and bounces a lot again. Right now Mark should regret teaching her how to be animated.

Andy and Sharna dance to the same song only they dance at a pace about 900 times slower so of course Aly wins the challenge.

Len liked Andy's PLUCK for cheering on Aly while she was dancing. Never a good sign.

Bruno says "SOMEBODY was technically better" and Carrie says "I love you for never giving up."

Seriously this patronizing of Andy Dick has gotten way out of control. I wish he would stop acting like a sad wounded raccoon so that they would actually say something real to him.

NEW PADDLES YOU GUYS. These have NAMES.

Aly gets three judge's points which means nothing and we move on to zendaya who is wearing Chuck Taylors. I don't know if that's allowed but I approve.

They pick Jacoby & Karina because these points matter zero point zero percent and they know it.

They do the jive and Zendaya is precious and awesome as usual and Jacoby is good and does the splits and jumps over his partners head again. So now we know what his go-to moves are.

Presently Jacoby and Val are doing a splits-off.

"EET TWAS LIKE WATCHING TWO CHAMPIONS REALLY." - Bruno

He says he likes the kicks & flicks so I guess that was good.

"I applaud you for picking Jacoby because that made it a REAL battle."

Come on Carrie, that's just insensitive. Sean is RIGHT THERE.

Zendaya wins the three nonsense points and no one is surprised.

This leaves Inigo and Sean to do the Rumba which they have both already done tonight.

Why are they pushing the Rumba so hard tonight? GAH.

Of course it's a One Republic song and I think Sean has actually found his dance. Y'know, besides the butt-sticking-out thing. It's pretty much the same dance as before but high five for recycling.

Inigo DOES have the hip swivels going on so that may win it for him. Also WHY is his partner never wearing anything?

Apparently while they were dancing Carrie was filling out paperwork or something and she says she had BUSINESS to take care of which is probably her signing on for another show because this one is making her die inside.

"EET TWAS LIKE WATCHING BATTLE OF THE HAHNKS" - Bruno

Host girl: "What did you think about this challenge?" Inigo's partner: "IT WAS CRAY-ZY."

Was it? Was it really? I feel like that is a bit of an exaggeration, but then again, so is everything on this show.

Inigo: "It was fun; we actually had a dance-off kind of!"

Good because that's LITERALLY WHAT IT WAS CALLED.

YEAH BRUNO voting for Sean! Oh well the other two voted for Inigo so he wins the invisible wonder points.

LOLOL this recap of the dances is ridiculous. It's like,

BAM JACOBY BAM INIGO [insert that circusy song here] Andy Dick

It feels like time stops when he dances and everything is more painful.

Final thoughts: I don't think Aly is as good as they think she is. And YAY SEAN.

RESULTS: Andy Dick got kicked off and cried a lot and everyone felt bad for him but at some point you just have to be able to dance, okay?

Why Taylor Kitsch Would Never Be Allowed in Saudi Arabia

Oh, Middle East. You never cease to amaze us with your level of crazy. Some guys apparently strolled over from the fancy pants United Arab Emirates for some festival all glowing with handsomeness and some authorities like radioed over their walkie talkies CHHHH we got a Code Gosling over here, repeat, Code Gosling over CHHHH and they all convened around these guys and escorted them straight out the country because their handsomeness was a menace to society.

According to the article, the men were deemed "too handsome" because apparently Saudi women would just not be able to control themselves and would fall for these men and the entire structure of their social society would collapse because of it. Naturally, they had to go.

First of all I would be indignant if I were a Saudi man standing nearby.

"What am I, chopped liver? I'M RIGHT HERE. I mean seriously, those guys? My beard is twice the beard their beards will ever be. Just look at me. I radiate handsomeness and no one is kicking ME out of the country. I can't believe I bought a new tunic for this. I'm going home to eat my feelings in baklava."

Second of all, are other countries going to start adopting this policy?

If the U.S. does we are in deep trouble. Tim Riggins should probably sleep with one eye open. I'm just saying, Taylor Kitsch, no one wants you to go back to Canada. Really. A straw poll survey of my Twitter feed suggests you have a 100 percent approval rating in this country.

I also like how these authorities determined what an objective level of attractiveness is that would warrant being kicked out of the country (What is the line? Do clothes factor in?). I suppose your goal in Saudi Arabia would be to assume a high level of attractiveness without being SO attractive that you call attention to yourself. So like, um, Nick from New Girl or something I guess.

I also like that rather than letting these guys fly under the radar as in-cognito Handsomes, they drew even more attention to them by forcibly removing them from the country. If the women didn't notice them before, they sure did after policemen started escorting them out.

Man. It's hard to be pretty in Saudi Arabia. Who knew?

Pretty people everywhere, let this be a warning to you. Either tone it down or stay the heck out of Saudi.

I mean honestly what would they even do if like David Beckham or Justin Bieber strolled in? I honestly don't even think the Biebs is very attractive, but assuming Saudi Arabian women and girls have any access to media whatsoever and know who he is, there would surely be a riot, right? I mean there are riots in first world countries over that guy.

If handsome nobodys are banned, I suppose handsome somebodys are EXTRA banned.

Poor U.A.E. handsome guys. They just wanted to enjoy the festival and eat a funnel cake or something. Guess you gotta ugly it up if you want to party at the Jenadrivah Heritage & Cultural Festival.

If this were a law in the U.S., who do you think would be escorted out first? (I suppose truthfully this would only apply to foreigners, but let's pretend it applies to handsome people across the board.)

My Podcast Debut (And It's About FRIENDS, You Guys)

In case you missed it on Friday, I had my podcast debut last week!

The nice people over at Xtra Bacon let me come on their podcast and talk about a potential FRIENDS reunion. (I KNOW I KNOW it's not happening but...just...be cool, okay??)

It was so much fun to record. I love talking to other people who care an inordinate amount about TV like I do. Hopefully I will get to do another one sometime soon.

In this episode, we discuss who should play Emma, immortal monkeys, and how Ross is kind of the worst.

Click here to listen!

And if you want to subscribe to Xtra Bacon (which you totally should because they have lots of other great podcasts), just search "Xtra Bacon" on iTunes.

If you like it, please say nice things about it either on this page or on Twitter (mention @xbpod) or on Xtra Bacon's site so that 1) my self-esteem will not plummet and 2) they won't regret having me on.

Hope you enjoy!

Tales from a 3rd (and 5th) Grade Journal - Vol. 2

This is the picture that should have accompanied my last post. I am wearing a hat from Marannook camp and at the Olympics. Cheering for Canada. Please don't shun me. I love America.

It's time for another exciting installment of…Tales from a 3rd Grade Journal*!

When we last left our protagonist, she had to go suddenly after telling us a riveting anecdote about getting to use mechanical pencils. What happened next? Let's find out.

Feb., Wednesday 5, 1997

Dear Diary,

I'm sorry I had to go last time. But anyway, [redacted]'s at it again. She wanted to be in our rock club. She said two things--- 1. she said she had no friends and 2. she said she saw us playing and stuff so she asked if she could be in our fort. I asked her how she figured out and she said number two. Well, I've got Allison for a babysitter tonight. Nothing really interesting.

We also took Molly to the groomer. She was nothing like the (Broomer) Groomer in Rugrats.

Oh, here's the bad news. I HAD A BAD DAY. 1st I got my name with a check. Then, I had to bathe with shampoo and COLD water.

I guess that's all I wanted to say, Bye!!

Love, Laura

EDITOR'S NOTES: It should be noted that any time I write two exclamation points, there is also a smiley face created with the two dots as eyes.

Man, 3rd grade me was kind of a jerk. JUST LET HER BE IN THE FORT, 3RD GRADE LAURA. Gah. But good for you for saving time by writing what she said first, then referring back to number two. What an innovative way to write.

One more random entry for the road:

Date not listed (COME ON.)

Dear Diary,

I'm in 5th grade now & I'm much more mature than those other times I've wrote.

Me & Elizabeth and Annemarie & Christie are doing a play if we find one we want from Mrs. Powers. It's gonna be good.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Man, so confident. It's like that one summer gave me the relief my anguished 3rd & 4th grade soul needed and I emerged a new woman.

May your day be filled with the confidence of a new 5th grader.

*some names omitted to protect the innocent

Reese's In Pieces Campaign - A Call to Action

I had another post scheduled for today, but sometimes when something tragic happens you have to put everything else aside--yes, even 3rd grade journal entries--to engage in discussions about it. To try to make sense of it all and work through it with others. This is one of those times.

Usually this little blog of mine takes a humorous tone. Usually I highlight the absurdity of weird news stories or criticize celebrities for their insanity (which they totally deserve).

But not today.

No, today is about something serious.

Sunday I found out that Reese Witherspoon had been arrested for interfering with her husband's DUI arrest.

^ Real live mugshot. Of Reese Witherspoon.

I know. Not only is it shocking, but it is disheartening.

This is not the Reese we know and love. This is not the Reese who accepted the 2011 MTV Generation Award*, proclaiming that it is possible to make it in hollywood as a "good girl." This is not the Reese who starred in Sweet Home Alabama and Legally Blonde and other more serious movies I haven't seen because I don't watch serious movies.

This is a warning sign. A cry for help.

Clearly Reese is going through something, and it is in times like these we must stand behind our most respected celebrities and offer our support.

Think about those poor mini-Phillipes and the shame they must feel.

And to top it all off, she was a brunette in her mugshot.

I mean, I'm not dissing brunettes or anything--I obviously am one myself--but for Reese to go brunette I think is a reflection of something darker in her life. Something is wrong, here.

So I'd like to call on you, dear blog readers, to come together with me and raise awareness for the plight of Reese Witherspoon.

Let's get Reese back in good graces. Let's help her shake this unfortunate incident and put her back on her feet. Everyone makes mistakes, and we cannot let this one sully her good name.

This is why today I am launching the Reese's in Pieces campaign.

Reese's in Pieces will not only have an awesomely punny name, but also be a catalyst for the revitalization of her career and restoration of her public reputation. Together, we can help Reese return to being the woman society fell in love with so long ago. We can help Reese put those pieces back together. (See what I did there?)

To donate your time or money to the Reese's in Pieces campaign, please call 1-800-N-PIECES** or e-mail Reese directly with notes of encouragement or chastisement (if you have her e-mail address, please let me know).

Please leave your condolences and/or words of encouragement in the comments and I will be sure to get them to someone who may know someone who may know Reese Witherspoon.

*I would just like to register a complaint that I had to watch a mini documentary masquerading as a Dr. Pepper commercial about Pitbull's rise to fame before watching this video. It was terrible. Then the video didn't even work.

**Please do not try to call this number, as it is 100 percent made up by yours truly.

A Letter of Concern for the Biebs ("A Bieber-vention")

Dearest J.Biebs,

Hey, buddy. How's it going? Not so good, huh? Yeah...I've heard some things. Everybody has. I know, I know. You didn't mean for it to go this far. One small slip here, one there, and suddenly you're spiraling into a pit of Lohan-brand shame.

I know this is not who you want to be, and as a loyal Belieber (but not one who will be privy to your delinquent nonsense), I am here to help.

This is an intervention.

I see you out there on that ledge, and I am shimmying my way out the window onto the platform with you in an attempt to talk you down. This, of course, is a metaphor, because there's no way in any scenario across all of time and space I'd be climbing onto a ledge unless it was four feet or less off the ground. That's just dumb.

But we're not here to talk about my potentially dumb decisions. We're here to talk about yours.

Accusations of battery, pot usage, not paying your bodyguards, shirtless Instagram photos, some nonsense about Anne Frank--you've got a streak going here, you know. And Justin, that's not how you were raised.

You know it too, don't you? You try to ignore it because your sweet grandparents don't even use Twitter, but we all know they must be draped in shame.

There, there. It's okay. We're going to take a step back, look at your life, and make some changes…together. Okay?

It's time for some tough love. I only do this because I know you can handle it. Here we go.

First of all, what are you even doing anymore? Society is not your own personal version of The Real World, okay? Do you even know what The Real World is? No, of course you don't, because you were born in 1994.

You can't get on a jumbotron at your concerts and be all like, "BELIEVE" and "NEVER SAY NEVER" and essentially declare "I AM A RESPECTABLE ROLE MODEL" and then turn around and get high and/or spit on your neighbor.

Where is Kenny during all this nonsense? Isn't he supposed to be following you around everywhere and protecting you from blunders like this?

Wait a second, are you DISOBEYING Kenny? How dare you. That man is a saint.

Look, I know being a teenage heartthrob is stressful. We've all been there. But if you need to blow off some steam, how about a nice game of bocce ball or…heaven forbid, reading a BOOK.

Hm? Oh, umm, they're kind of like the Internet but the words are assembled into paragraphs and chapters and then printed on compacted tree pulp and bound together into this thing you can carry around with you.

Anyway, I'm just saying maybe you can get a hobby that doesn't involve illegal substances. I know you're a legal adult now and everything and your mom feels like she has to let you do your own thing and all, but I don't, and I am technically your elder, young man, so listen to me.

Don't follow the path of so many teenage stars before you. People like me have stood behind you for far too long for you to make us look like fools now, okay? Think about US. Think about when people at work are like "hey your boy Bieber looks like he's doing pot and going off the deep end." Think about how that makes us FEEL, Justin. I'll tell you: ashamed. Ashamed that we ever defended you to our peers when they laughed at us for respecting you. Ashamed for endorsing you when you're turning out to be just like the rest of them.

You're making me look bad. The only thing worse than a 24-year-old who openly declares fandom for Justin Bieber is a 24-year-old who openly declares fandom for a pot-smoking, paparazzi-attacking Justin Bieber.

So please, Justin, think of us and make better decisions.

I know you can do it. Don't make me call your grandparents.

Love, Laura

Feel free to post your criticisms and/or encouragements to the Biebs during this…er…transitional time in his life in the comments. It's probably not an official intervention with only one letter anyway. Together we can make a change.

DWTS Recap: Below the Belt

I know. Just...don't look directly at it.

First of all I would like to apologize to everyone who relies on my accurate and comprehensive recaps of the greatest show starring dancing comedians ever to be on TV for missing last weeks DWTS recap.

Somehow, I'm sure you carried on, but I apologize just the same.

Apparently Gleb and Housewife went home last week. Poor Gleb. Don't let this get you down, buddy. Go forth and teach other reality show "stars" how to quick-step. I'm sure it will be 100 percent worth it.

Anyway, let's get to EPISODE 5 which is the half-way point apparently so things are getting REAL. At least that's what they insisted on telling me throughout this episode.

This week is particularly cutthroat because it features LEN'S SIDE BY SIDE CHALLENGE (challenge...challenge...)! I don't know why he gets his own challenge or if he actually came up with this idea but apparently the deal is they have to dance next to professionals.

The intro begins and all the professionals are dancing in some sort of party bus scenario and then they pan to the audience and some more dancers are doing like a strip show essentially and ALL of this is happening to a Pitbull song. I mean I'm not 100 percent sure it was a Pitbull song but it made me feel just as terrible as a Pitbull song does regardless so does it really matter?

Here come the non-professionals...D.L. is thrusting again (is he really still here?), Sean is terrible as per us' but at least he tries and Aly is doing flips because she CAN, suckas. And NOOOOOO Andy is thrusting now, why is there so much thrusting in this show? I think it's the only "move" half of the guys competing can do.

Now it's the part of the show where Len is featured in a prerecorded explanation of his SIDE BY SIDE CHALLENGE EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA. It's pretty much the trippiest thing I've ever seen and is not well executed at all but basically he's floating in front of a nondescript black backround and there are TWO of him which is necessary to explain the SIDE BY SIDE CHALLENGE. He does a hip swivel with himself and it's the worst explanation ever. Also he looks like he fell asleep in a tanning booth for like 75 years.

Someone isn't wearing pants for some reason and then it's commercial time and Penelope Cruz is still pushing the NETHPRETHO thing really hard.

Inigo Montoya goes first.

Apparently he was good last week. That's all you need to know from that episode.

He is assigned the chacha which makes him hulk out during rehearsal and become nothing more than an angry thruster (again with the thrusting), which I don't think is really going to help him.

His partner tells him this is easy and synchronized and then demonstrates and YEAH that's totally easy KATRINA. Why didn't Inigo just do that before? THANKS FOR THE TIP.

Fortunately Inigo and the guy in the other professional couple (whom they will be dancing alongside in the SIDE BY SIDE CHALLENNNGGEEE) are wearing matching fedoras so I think that will help.

Inigo's goal this week is to skate by unnoticed and just make it to next week. Way to reach for the stars, Inigo. Good thing he's going first because by the time two hours of haphazard dancing goes by I've already forgotten everyone but Zendaya anyway.

OH GOSH they are dancing to Lady Marmalade. The band's track record suggests this is going to be a trainwreck of a performance.

Everyone's dressed like strippers and Inigo is not good at high kicks. But the good news is he DID practice his thrusting so it looks less angry.

And oh em gee the songs are TWICE as long this week what is even happening? I thought the show would be shorter with less dancers, but silly me, that would actually minimize the pain of watching this atrocity and we know that's not how they roll.

Girl judge says the pelvic thrusts were a hit but he needs to work on "below the belt."

This sends everyone into a tizzy and the host isn't even paying attention and his explanation after getting caught was that he's doing another show in his head. So am I, host guy. So am I.

They say "below the belt" approximately 800 times and everyone giggles because apparently we're in 2nd grade.

JACOBY JONES, y'all.

Apparently he did a foxtrot for his son last week that people liked and OH EM GEE his baby son is the cutest ever.

He has to do the jive which he insists is the same as "The Skip" in New Orleans which infuriates his partner because it is NOT the same at all.

"I can't move my s*** like that; I am a MAN."

I just love this guy.

He likes the guy in their partner couple because he "looks like he play defensive end and he can dance" so I guess that's good.

They start in some kind of sketchy graffiti'd alleyway playing cards and I'm really getting tired of the performance art. I mean is any of this necessary? I very much don't need a setup to every dance. Like I couldn't need it any less.

The profesh dancer couple's lady is all up in the camera flicking her butt and I feel slightly violated. Jacoby looks like he's doing the bow-legged chicken dance just as well as the profesh guy, so as far as I'm concerned, 10!

He does look like he's having fun and not taking this nonsense so seriously, which I enjoy. SHOOT DANG he did the splits you guys. AND he legit JUMPED over his partner's head.

I don't know anything about dance, but that was awesome. Give him 10's and let's all go home.

Again the dance is about 36 minutes longer than it should be and I'm bored.

It finally ends and spanish judge says it was like "watching two s-TALLIONS at the height of their power fighting for dominance" or something like that. Why does everything he says have to be sexual? TONE IT DOWN, BRUNO. (Yes, I learned his name this week!)

They all tell him to point his feet and british judge basically tells girl judge to stop talking because it's like she's giving the Gettysburg Address over there but like he would even know what that is because he's BRITISH.

Len says Jacoby will never get a 9 out of him without pointing his feet but WHATEV Len, stop being a stick in the mud. HE JUMPED OVER HIS PARTNER'S HEAD AND DID THE SPLITS. Gah. If I ran this show it would be so different.

Victor

I guess they butchered their dance and were in the bottom 2 again last week so this one has to be good, but I want to know who is putting Andy Dick and D.L. Hughley ahead of Victor the adorable boxer? What is wrong with people? Do I have to start VOTING now? Ugh. As if I don't invest in this show enough already.

Rehearsal Excerpt:

"Are you doing the dance right now?" -Victor "Yeah." - Partner "Oh, I thought you were just...prancing around." - Victor.

He is just great.

Turns out Victor was distracted in rehearsal because his girfriend of a year cheated on him and he found out during practice. NOOO poor sweet Victor! There, there. Come hug it out. It's ok. DANCE the pain away.

They do the waltz and start out posing amid scary mannequins and SERIOUSLY with the performance art?

I dunno, waltzes are pretty and they look the same to me so high five.

Enter saxophone solo (!!) and the dance is again far too long. Verse 2 is always the worst because you realize it's only halfway over.

Still no idea why the mannequins are there. Do you think they're just running out of ideas? I mean at least the other nonsense setups had something to do with the style of dance.

Girl Judge says there was fluidity which was good but his feet came off the floor in some of the "lifty-wiftys" which just reminds me of Dr. Who and makes me happy.

Len legit tells her to go home because there was no INTENT to lift his feet so apparently it doesn't count. Spanish judge interrupts everyone just to agree with them so I'm not sure why it was necessary.

Side note: I just realized everyone has already changed from their intro outfits. When did that happen and wasn't that a waste of some perfectly good neon bow ties?

Host guy: "We're back and I'm on my mark for a change."

Y'know, sometimes it's just better to maintain the 4th wall.

Aly Raisman.

MAN she got to do flips last week and danced to "Titanium." She got 9's and I am totally googling her performance during the commercial break.

And she's at the top of the leaderboard?? Noooo, Zendaya, what happened? Man, I tell ya, you miss one week...

The girl professional tries to teach Aly how to be sexy and flip her hair and whatnot and Aly says it's nice to have a girl to teach her but Mark is a good girl too and is good at being sassy. So he's got that going for him.

Side note: It is becoming increasingly clear that I would be terrible at this. Absolutely terrible.

I think she got flustered during the dance when she was whipping her hair back & forth and it's starting to look off-beat to me but what do I know.

Really the standout nerve-grater here is that the singer is singing the wrong cadence and melody for "Misery" by Maroon 5 and it's driving me insane.

Len says her bottom is the tops, whatever that means.

Bruno gets even more hot and bothered than usual and this is what he chooses to say:

"Ohhhh missy missy I had no idea you could be SASSY and SAUCY! Whip it! Because you're worth it!" I think he's just throwing out slogans at this point.

Carrie says she thinks it's good that Aly brought out her little sex kitten and NO. Stop that. She is an Olympian, not Ke$ha. Get out of here with that.

COMING UP: Y'all I think the wasp face might come out. Kellie is making partner guy angry! And you won't like it when he's angry. (See what I did there?)

COMMERCIAL SIDE NOTE: GATSBY TRAILER OMG. Shining moment in this two hours of terribleness.

Sean Lowe

Last week Sean evidently danced like a caveman or something but WHO EVEN CARES because he ended it by kissing Catherine and I just miss them. Can we get them their own reality show already? Newlyweds Part Deux. And this time no one will ask if tuna is chicken or fish. Probably.

This week he has to do the quickstep which I already knew because he tweeted about how hard it was and that makes me slightly nervous for him.

SIDE NOTE: Are off-shoulder tops like a thing for dancers? I mean you'd think they'd just get in the way of all the grand arm gestures but I guess it's a small price to pay for 80's fashion. Come to think of it, are dancers perpetually stuck in the 80's? They wear a lot of neon and legwarmers. I'm asking.

Sean tries to copy Tristan (the profesh dancer)'s every move and decides to do so by wearing the exact outfit as him. He comes out wearing a neon pink shirt like it's a gag but we all know he had that in his closet due to the omnipresence of neon in the Bachelor. Or he stole it from his dad (LOL remember that?).

I think he did well! He looks terrified behind his perma-smile which makes me nervous because I just like him so much and want him to dance pretty.

"SHOWN! WHAT EES GOINK OWN?" proclaims Bruno. Until now, he says, Sean has been a lumberjack, but now he is a swan, which I feel is a bit of a reach but whatever.

Girl judge is all flustered and doesn't say anything of note.

British judge says last week he was a statue and this week he is a pigeon, which aren't really opposites, and is definitely worse than a swan, so I'm not sure really what his angle was with that. Neither is the audience apparently beacause everyone thinks this is HILARIOUS.

Especially Bruno who is still laughing 6 minutes later. I seriously do not get anyone on this show.

Sean says that Tristan is not only a beautiful dancer but a beautiful man and I just really want to go on a double date with Seathrine.

They get 8's and Sean's partner almost kisses his hand and I'm about to lunge at the TV on behalf of Catherine. Get that girl out here and let her beat up Meredith from the Lindsay Lohan Parent Trap (which I'm convinced is Sean's partner's true identity).

Kellie Pickler

They're on a legit golf cart on the dance floor and I'm wondering how much work it was for the PAs to set that up just for this one preview moment.

They have to do a foxtrot and her partner is nervous, to which Kellie responds: "If yo-er ner-vus, 'Ahm gunna hay-uve a ner-vus break-DAY-own!"

Ugh. I'm sure she's smarter than she sounds. I mean, she HAS to be, right?

This dance, by the way, is Kellie's first BALLROOM DANCE, which I just learned is not ALL of these dances.

Her partner hulks out on her for messing up a dance move and I'm a little nervous he's going to abuse her but it's cool you guys the wasp face is back in the holster.

I think her problem is really that she set the bar too high too early. Wynnona would have never gotten the wasp face.

On to the dance! These are the only costumes that have made sense so far in context of the dance and the music. Kellie's wig is looking a little cray but she dances as well as the other girl as far as I can tell.

They do this weird wobble-back-and-forth-like-you're-made-of-plastic move and she's good and the dance is too long again.

Girl Judge can't believe it was Kellie's FIRST ballroom. Because apparently that's how all the cool kids say it. Just "ballroom."

What is NOT how the cool kids say it? "putting the 'ooo' in 'smooth'," which is what Len said.

"Thaynk yew, Le-uhn!" - Kellie

Ugh.

Spanish judge apparently thinks this dance was fitting of Great Gatsby and Baz Lurhman would be impressed but how dare he suggest that Kellie Pickler could come anywhere near that movie.

"Dang, y'all, that Gats-bay sure is straynge."

In the post-dance interview she actually references her wig which I feel like is against protocol for that sort of thing. Aren't you supposed to just act like it's your real hair even if everyone knows it's totally not? Anyway, she says she was afraid it was going to fly off.

Her partner does a Kellie impression which I think was pretty spot on. Apparently when he gets all wasp-y, she goes "I don't hate yew, but I hate your way-s right nay-ow."

I'll allow it.

She gets 9's. I mean honestly have they ever given out a 10 on this show?

PREVIEW: Zendaya is wearing a pretty dress and fencing DL and Andy. She stabs DL and no one's mad about it.

COMMERCIAL NOTE: Jennifer Hudson is all over my TV singing "I GOT THE POW-UH!" in yellow pants and I just can't handle it anymore. J Hud (Are all Jennifer's allowed to be called J - [first syllable]?)...I like you and all but this has got to stop. You're losing my respect one lip-synched "woo!" at a time.

Back from commercial and it's D.L. Hughley's turn.

Ugh. Last week he humped the judges' table. So unnecessary. He thrusts more than anyone else on this show, and that's saying something. But he got 7s so hooray for sympathy votes.

Basically his partner is creeped out by him and tries unsuccessfully to teach him the tango.

The dance begins with everyone behind paper creating silhouettes and while the profesh couple is dancing I'm starting to feel uncomfortable watching Cheryl & DL's silhouettes together. OH SNAP Y'ALL he ripped the paper and busted out of there like a quarterback.

What if that had failed? I'm just saying it could have. He IS the worst, after all.

In D.L.'s defense there wasn't much hope for him looking identical to a skinny European dancer guy named Sasha. (real name)

Even I can tell D.L.'s feet are not doing what they're supposed to be doing. He's just kind of stomping along and people are clapping to the song for some reason.

I stopped paying attention because I looked at Tweetbot for like one second and ended up camping out there for a minute or two, but spanish guy called it a brave attempt and girl judge said the lack of technique was evident.

Len said they just didn't look identical and D.L. asks if it was the hair that gave it away. Touche, D.L. Touche. If you can't beat 'em, make terrible jokes.

NEXT WEEK PLUG: Oh gosh. It's all Stevie Wonder songs. And he has to be there. RUN AWAY, STEVIE. JUST RUN AWAY. At least he won't have to actually watch them dance. I hope for his sake he is the one singing his songs because this band will butcher them 9 ways to Sunday, whatever that means.

DL gets 6's (sad trombone).

ZENDAYA TIME!

Aw man last week she danced to Love on Top by Beyonce and that song is my jam but OH NO this person should never be allowed to even touch Beyonce songs so I'm kind of glad I missed it.

Her partner admits he has never danced this genre before. GREAT news.

Again, her nails are dangerous. They are neon and they are about 6 inches long and I don't understand why her partner hasn't insisted that she remove them yet. They are dangerously close to his cornea.

The setup to this dance is that the royal jewels are MISSING you guys and we know that because there is a fake newspaper that tells us so. But OH NO Zendaya has them! What's going to happen?

Thank goodness this song is instrumental.

Profesh girl does all these fancy tricks to start off which I think is kind of a jerk move but whatever. Zendaya has to use the jewels as a prop for some reason, which I also think is just something unnecessary she has to keep up with during her dance. I mean doesn't she have enough to worry about without having to pass off a bangle between her and another girl and then put it on without dropping it onto the dance floor and tripping everyone up and creating a pile-up and the worst celebrity dancing accident in history? I'm just saying, it could have happened.

Anyway she does a really cool lift thingy and was awesome as usual.

We get our usual dose of crazy from Bruno: "CATCH ME IF YOU CAN! TAKE ME IF YOU DARE! THE ULTIMATE FEMME FATALE!"

Seriously can someone please taze him?

Len says it was like a lemon tart.

Next week's promo again, this time with neon letters on a SPACE backround. Was this made in powerpoint with wordart?

OH SNAP SHE GOT 10's, y'all. This is UNPRECEDENTED (so far this season).

Man, I thought we were done but Andy Dick still has to go. They really should never save him for last. People are going to start turning off their TV's. The best sketches go before Weekend Update for a reason.

Andy Dick Noooo whyyyy there are ANDY PUPPETS.

"I don't think any comedians have made it this far!"

Shocking.

The profesh male dancer walks in with the deepest V I've ever seen, and I live in Nashville. I mean it seriously doesn't count as wearing a shirt.

"When you think of pasa doble, you don't think of Andy Dick...but you WILL."

Sure, Andy. All those times I think about pasa doble during the day, your name will definitely come to mind.

Why must they insist on acting out scenes before every dance? Oh, p.s., male dancer is wearing a glorified Deep V.

ANDY SWINGS IN ON A ZIP LINE DRESSED LIKE ZORRO.

I have nothing to add to that.

He whips around a shiny cape a lot, that's about it.

Everyone basically just tells him it wasn't good but he's FUN.

RESULTS: D.L. Hughley and Cheryl Burke go home. (Wah wah wah...No one's surprised.)

Who was your favorite? Are you as tired of Andy Dick as I am at this point? Do you support a Sean & Catherine reality show? I'm just saying let's talk about it.