JC Chasez Starts a Cult--I Mean Girl Group

Once upon a time, there was a man named JC Chasez. As an adolescent, JC was on top of the world. Spiked hair, four best friends, dream job and ladies everywhere he looked. Yes, JC was living the dream. Until one day around 2003 he woke up. His best friend had abandoned him for a solo career, and there was nothing left to do but make it on his own.

A failed solo career and a few hosting gigs later, JC Chasez is back. And not just because N*Sync might be performing at the VMA's (Remember the VMA's? Is this them trying to get us to remember the VMA's?).

JC Chasez has formed a girl group.

Unfortunately he is not part of this group, but he is the orchestrator, and it has what appears to be about 800 members.

The group is called Girl Radical, and according to their website it's inspired by the success of Japanese giant girl groups (these sound only vaguely familiar to me) and is "part flash mob, part girl group, all personality."

...

Sorry I'm back I just had to go vomit real quick. Really? PART FLASH MOB? I thought we were done with flash mobs?! Why are you doing this to us, JC? Are you trying to outdo James Franco? This really feels like a James Franco kind of move. (Heads up: you will never out-crazy James Franco.)

What makes this whole operation even more Franco-esque is the fact that, according to this article, the girls actually changed their last name to "Radical." Not necessarily legally, but it is what they are going by. Additionally the member put together a video for James Franco I mean JC Chasez' birthday thanking him for all he's done for them (NEWSFLASH: you are not Beyonce yet) and are we not getting a little bit nervous at this point?

And it's all for THIS. This is the kind of nonsense this group churns out:

First of all, they are all singing in unison, and to the regular radio track in which the vocals are STILL THERE. First rule of karaoke is you cannot sing OVER TOP of the original vocals. Second of all, look how much those people hate their lives. That is because of YOU, Girl Radical. That's on you. Third of all, that song? Really?

This is their first music video. A cover of "Just a Girl" by No Doubt. Hold onto your butts, anyone who respects the art of music, because it's a doozy:

I feel like as a woman they want me to be all "Yeah! You go! Girl Power! Spice up your life!" But I JUST CAN'T because it is SO awful.

1) The arrangement, I just…no. 2) The rapping, no even more. 3) They are terrible lip syncers. 4) Why do they look like I bought a variety pack of the same woman prototype? 5) YOU STOP DOING THIS TO GWEN STEFANI. What did she ever do to you? You are not even perpetuating what this song is about. She would be appalled. APPALLED, I say. SHE is "Girl Power!" YOU are "Please stop trying to represent women because I did not ask for this." She is awesome and you are the worst.

Additionally let me just say that this many women cannot be in a group together and remain all smiley and "these women are my BAST frands" (noted in the JC Birthday video). It will not work. It's science. Women do not just…get along…like that. Especially considering the amount of insecurity trapped within any given one of these girls. Have these people ever seen The Bachelor? This is why the guys leave The Bachelorette with all 25 of them being Bros 4 Lyfe and the girls might find one person they take Instagrams with but other than that, no. That never happens. Not even in non-hollywood life. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I'm just saying it's a thing. Groups of about 5 or less and we're done here. After that it starts splitting into cliques and it's all downhill from there.

Mark my words: this will not end well.

But hey all ol' JC would have to do is get a few other beautiful women with long hair, varying ethnicities and about 5' 9" and no one would ever notice.

So in conclusion, JC Chasez started a delusional girl group that is really more like a mini-cult.

Is this or is this not the most awful thing you've ever seen?

Thanks to Jackson Pearce for alerting me to this ridiculousness. You should follow her, by the way. She is an author and she is funny.

3 Reasons Why Ann and Chris Leaving Parks and Recreation Is a Bad Idea

You guys, it's finally starting to feel like fall, if only for a brief hour in the mornings. But you know what that means…our shows are coming back soon!

Oh, glorious day! Sweep those cobwebs out of your DVR because it's about to be full again, and you're going to have to choose between The Voice and the fifth episode of that new Andy Samberg show you're still not sure about but wanted to give a try (unless you have one of those fancy DVRs that records like 8 shows at once. On different TVs. What's it like to live in that kind of luxury?)

Anyway, with new seasons unfortunately come changes, and as much as I don't like change, I've had to embrace it a lot over the years: the loss of Michael Scott, Waverly and Santiago disappearing, Dan killing Keith…all of which left me sad and confused.

This one, while less dramatic, is still going to shake up one of my favorite shows: Rob Lowe (Chris Traeger) and Rashida Jones (Ann Perkins) are leaving Parks and Rec after 13 episodes this season.

I'm hoping this isn't a direct result of the post I wrote about the problem with Ann Perkins, but you never know. XB is the voice of the people (sorry, people).*

I'm not really sure how to feel, but my general sentiment is that I will miss Chris but not Ann.

Chris, when used in moderation, is fantastic. I have grown to really enjoy him, and I think they've fleshed his character out well without compromising it by going too deep with him.

Ann, however, is pretty much boring all the time always.** She has no quirks. She has no opinions of her own. She's just kind of a space-filler.

But here is why I think they should stay (partially for their own good):

1) It's only downhill from here for them. Does either one of them think they are going to find a steady gig as good as this one? According to one article I read, for some reason Parks and Rec decided Rashida was empirically not-boring enough that they wanted to hire her right away for the cast. I don't think she's going to get that kind of chance again. She was already kind of boring in The Office, but some of the characters in The Office are supposed to be boring so that they are normal in light of the others. I don't think this is the case with Parks & Rec. She was basically just a sounding board for Leslie when she talked about Ben. A side-kick, even. But now [spoiler alert] Leslie and Ben are married. No need for her anymore. Sooner or later people are going to realize Rashida is boring and not hire her for anything else.

And Rob Lowe? I'm kind of surprised he got a steady gig like this at all after having a lot of success in the 80's. It obviously does happen--let's call it Neil Patrick Harris-ing--but it's the exception, not the rule. (You hear me, Corey Feldman? Stay away.) I'm nervous that he won't be able to make it happen again. Plus I'll just miss him more than Ann, despite what he continued to perpetuate in society by hammering in the whole "literally" thing. (Don't get me started on the Google definition. However, I do think by doing so, Parks and Rec brought it to light and made fun of it, almost in a satirical way, which I loved.)

2) The whole baby thing coinciding with their departure is kind of a cop-out, right? Any characters that have babies on sitcoms inevitably have to deal with the consequences of trying to work a baby into the script to be realistic enough to seem like they are actually taking care of their kid without letting the baby be those characters' main storyline. I want to see Parks and Rec try to do that. Andy and April got married very early on in the series and are still high-functioning characters in the show without being lame. I think Parks and Rec could make the baby thing happen in a non-lame way. You don't get to just have a baby and leave. That's not how we raised you, Ann and Chris. And we won't allow it.

3) Meeting new characters is hard. I don't like change. I just don't. While I do trust the people casting Parks and Rec, because they have brought in some GEMS over the years (Jean Ralphio's sister? Just stop it. So perfect.), I'm nervous to see who (if anyone) they bring in. They've got to add at least one more. It will feel a little empty if they don't. But I'm really hoping they just bring in one and give Donna more of a role, because she is fantastic and underrated. Plus pretty much all the SNL actors have already had cameos, so we're running out of options here.

Who do you want to see in a recurring role on Parks & Rec? Do you support my more-Donna suggestion? How do you feel about Chris and Ann leaving?

*this is a direct plagiarism from Conan O'Brien's twitter bio. **this is a direct plagiarism from 30 Rock's "Everything Sunny All The Time Always" episode.

Confession: I'm Tired of Bruno Mars

Y'all, I have a confession: I am tired of Bruno Mars.

Yes, he's talented and whatever but I'm just over it.

It's just, he's on every radio station at all times, and I don't think I can take it anymore.

When I first heard about Bruno Mars, I liked him a lot. He was a songwriter for the stars so you know he's talented, and he's coming out from behind the scenes to make it on his own. I appreciate this approach and like that the people behind the hits are emerging to sing their songs themselves (see also: Jessie J).

First he was featured on a B.o.B. song, which I mean, can't go wrong there. I'm on board. Then "Just The Way You Are" came out and he was unavoidable. No matter. It's catchy and he can sing, plus it was an adorable song about liking a woman just the way she is and what girl doesn't want to hear that, y'know?

I really got on board during the "Grenade" season. I mean yes, I heard it until my ears bled, but it was a solid song, especially when sung acoustically on youtube. By him, that is. Not by every 18 year old with a guitar and a webcam. If I heard it today on my way home I would not change the channel.

But then came "The Lazy Song" in which he references throwing his hand down his pants and later mentioning just casually having "some really nice sex" and I was like, okay, Bruno, just because this has that generic happy ukelele accompaniment and sounds all innocent does not mean you can throw those kinds of phrases in there and still seem like a respectable musician who like, yeah, he's a pop star, but really he's a songwriter first, y'know? No. I revoke that privilege. You are now a full blown pop star, just like the rest of them.

That is when it started to derail for me.

Glee started singing every one of his songs, including "Marry Me" which is kind of adorable but you can't just be adorable and then sing about putting your hand down your pants and not expect me to be disgusted by you.

I mean just pick a lane, Bruno Mars. Am I mad at Kanye for being a douche? No, because he owns it. I'm mad at you because you try to act like this sensitive songwriter type who gets women and then churn out crap like that. Not allowed.

Then you're back with "Locked Out of Heaven" which is a fantastic song musically but also kind of sleezy in lyrical content and further adds to my iffy stance on how to feel about you. Again I say, PICK A LANE.

Then comes that song about how you should've bought your girlfriend flowers and paid more attention to her and we're supposed to sympathize with you and think you're sweet? Uh no, Bruno mars, because YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE THOSE THINGS. But you didn't, and life has consequences. You can't just sing sappy songs about it and expect her (or us) to feel sorry for you and have other girls come fall at your feet and then treat them the exact same way because I assume writing a song does not change behavior.

It's not like you finished it out with "I know I have been selfish but I learned from my experience and went to therapy and everything and now I'm totally ready to be in a mature adult relationship and do things like make budgets and cut in when we paint so my wife can use the roller because she likes it better and clean out the litter box even though I did it last time just because I know it makes her gag."

No, you did not say that, Bruno, and I'm willing to bet it's not just because it would be a terrible rhyme. I'm pretty sure you would treat the next girl the same way because you literally just got done rambling on about how some girl's sex takes you to paradise so you need to slow your roll a bit there, guy.

I'm just saying Bruno Mars is kind of like that guy in high school who makes all the girls swoon but screws them over and moves on to the next one but the new girls won't believe the ex-girlfriends because they think they're just jealous but really it's just that Bruno is kind of a douche.

I don't like wishy-washy is all I'm saying. It's "Grenade" or "Lazy Song," okay? Just pick one and I'm good. Or just cover that one Amy Winehouse song over and over because I was totally on board with that.

I will give him props for his choreographed band (present in the Amy Winehouse cover video linked above). They dance in perfect sync while playing things like bass and trombone. I'm not mad at that.

I feel like I got off track assessing his character from song lyrics, but seriously, the dude is everywhere and my ears are weary of that slightly hoarse R&B tenor of his.

How do you feel about Bruno Mars? Secretly sleezy or genuinely charming? 

P.S. I found out in researching a bit for this post that Bruno Mars' real name is Peter Gene Hernandez. And he is only three years older than me. #depressingfacts

Hear Ye, Hear Ye [An Announcement]

Hey guys. I have an announcement. It won't be a long one, don't worry. Not like when they tell you at a seminar or at church or something that they have "brief announcements" that then go on for 30 minutes. This is like an actual brief announcement. But then again, it's me, and I ramble. So godspeed.

The announcement is this: starting next week I will post just once a week here. [I know this news will rock you to your core, so I give you permission to go home early today if you need to. I'm sure your boss will understand.]

(For those of you who don't anxiously await my words in your inbox or RSS reader every week (aka probably most of you), I typically post twice, just to give you some perspective.)

I'm reassessing my goals for this site as well as my blogging, and I think this makes the most sense for me, considering how much time I'm spending doing it vs. how much tangible value I'm gaining from it. Not to say blogging isn't valuable. It is, and I very much enjoy it. I feel like I've grown a lot as a writer and I've actually made some real life friends because of it. But additionally I'm trying to do some not-as-public work (i.e. freelancing, fiction work-in-progress) on top of my day job and blogging, and I'm running out of lunch hours, free evening hours, and (newly added) 6ams to squeeze in all that I want to work on.

SO all that to say, keep checking back for weekly posts here, and I hope that in redirecting the time I'd normally spend writing a second post, I will have some other projects to share with you in the not-too-distant future. Meanwhile I will also still be contributing over at the (newly remodeled) Xtra Bacon, so be sure to subscribe to the podcast and RSS feed there as well.

SIDEBAR PLUG: If you or anyone you know is in need of a writer or editor for a project or on an ongoing basis, let me know! I'd love to see if I could help out. (Including, but not limited to: articles, bios, blog posts, website copy, editing ebooks or any of the aforementioned projects, captioning your Instagram photos for you...I'm your girl.)

Since you came all the way to my blog today and all you got was this rotten announcement, here is a gif of some bunnies in cups:

SIDEBAR comments question: What show are you most excited to see come back in the fall? Or what new show are you excited to try out? I'll go first: I've been rewatching the first season of New Girl on Netflix and I cannot wait for it to return!

We Might Be Rid of Chris Brown Forever (Ev-Ev-Ever)

Step away from the puppy, Chris Brown.

YOU GUYS. Rejoice with me.

This could be it.

You know how in the future we'll be all like, "hey remember the last time you saw Chris Brown?" and the other person will be like "Y'know, I don't! It's been so long...when was that...2013?"

THIS IS THAT TIME.

And praise the Lord for that. After much long-suffering on the public's part - watching through weekly run-ins with the boys in blue, Twitter battles, assault charges, and terrible music to boot - I think we deserve a break.

In fact I think we've deserved a break for a long time. Ever since I wrote this post in APRIL OF 2012 asking him to reign it in. Or at least stop throwing stuff.

The day might be finally glittering on the horizon, like a Hawaiian sunset of peace and joy and happiness that simultanously silences a psychotic rapper.

That's the dream.

That one day Chris Brown will just be that guy who hurt Rihanna (how dare he) and nothing more.

His tweets (via Huffington Post, not my Twitter feed, to be clear) indicate that he will probably hang up his wifebeater after his next studio album, "X," which comes out Aug. 20.

He goes on to say that this is because he is tired of being known for a "mistake" he made when he was 18.

I get it. It kind of sucks for you. But how about thinking twice before beating up a woman, okay? And think three times before doing it to a famous woman. And think four times to realize that you, too, are famous and are in a highly-publicised relationship and OF COURSE it will ruin your life.

Also it's not just the Rihanna incident. It's the endless parade of crazytown that the Rihanna incident launched. It's the chair-throwing. It's the fits of rage. It's the "altercation" after "altercation." NO. Just NO.

Plus you did that in 2009, okay? 2009 was not that long ago. Four years. So yes, you made a mistake when you were 18, but you are now only 22, ok? Also being 18 is not an excuse. Look at the world. Millions of 18 year olds NOT beating people up. Sure there are a few that probably are, but the overwhelming majority is NOT getting arrested for giving Rihanna a black eye, okay? So don't act like this is just some phase 18 year olds go through. NEWSFLASH: It's not.

While we're at it, same goes to you, Biebs. Just because I will continue to root for you and hope you turn your own personal crazytrain around does not mean I will stand for your behavior and the fact that it gets written off as you just "being 19." NO. Again, SEVERAL 19 year olds are walking around every day, NOT peeing in buckets. I'm just saying.

[RECORD SCRATCH] Update, 9:16 a.m.: I just did the math (and went to Wikipedia) and he is most definitely 24. And this most definitely happened in 2009. YOU WERE NOT EVEN 18. So on top of everything else, he's a liar. In case you were wondering.

So in conclusion, Chris Brown, it's been fun (not really), but get on up outta here. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Do you think he has a point or do you think he needs to leave us alone already? Who else do you think should throw in the towel?

Country Music: The Potluck of Genres

I wanted to come to you today with a theory I've been developing for a while. This is the product of years of extensive research (read: being alive) and studying (read: listening to music). I haven't presented it to any institutions for publication yet, but I think it's pretty well supported by empirical evidence.

Before I submit this theory to an academic journal, I thought I would make my case to you.

My theory is this: country music is the most blindly accepting of all genres.

Gone are the days in which you must be an old white guy wearing cowboy hat singing about a dead dog or whatever.

Country music's "come one, come all" attitude allows them to welcome anyone with any semblance of notoriety or a good publicist and play the crap out of them on the radio.

Did you win American Idol? Come on over. Did you win American Idol after the three original judges had left and are like 12 years old? Door's open. Been around for 30 years and still cranking out music? You make it, we'll play it. Change your name to Chris Gaines but decide maybe it wasn't the best idea after all? Welcome back. Collaborate with Nelly? Why not? Used to be in a 90's alt band and go by the name Hootie? We've got a seat for you right here. Gradually shift from singing about Tim McGraw to wearing eyeliner and putting dubstep beats in your songs? Sure.

Literally anyone or anything can be played on country music, as long as there is at least one banjo or mandolin involved (or were involved at one point but now you're Taylor Swift and you do what you effing want).

I am continually surprised at what the country genre will put up with. Exhibit A: Darius Rucker is NOT GOOD AT COUNTRY, you guys.* It's just not his thing. Why can't you guys just tell him to go home already? He had a string of hits in the late 90's. He's Hootie, for crying out loud. HE CAN HANDLE IT. Don't patronize him (ahem, BACHELORETTE). Break it to him gently and get him out of here.

I just found out that he currently has a hit with "Wagon Wheel," which is not even his song and is not even as good as the version I saw Old Crow Medicine Show perform in a random field on Saturday night with my parents (a story for another time).

Sidebar: If Country isn't careful it's going to turn into the Christian music industry, churning out 90 different versions of the same song yearly. I can say this because I know people who are in the Christian music industry and complain about the same exact thing. So it's LEGIT, y'all.

This guy could literally go around to clubs all over these United States and play all of his Hootie hits and no one would even be mad about it. So let's stop acting like Darius Rucker needs the work, okay? Just let take off the cowboy hat and walk away with some of his dignity left intact before the academy retroactively revokes his 1996 Grammy for Best New Artist.

The country music industry lets white males wearing clothes manufactured by a hunting company inexplicably rap in the middle of their songs.

They allow people to sing about recreational drug use and Jesus on the same track. While we're at it, they allowed someone to sing about Jesus taking the wheel and everyone was okay with it (This would never happen anywhere else. Probably not even in Christian music because it had like too many notes in the melody or something).

They are the only genre that permitted Kid Rock to create more music after screaming about God knows what in 1998, AND enabled him to sing a duet with Sheryl Crow, who used to kind of be like a cool alt singer/songwriter in the 90s and now she's like easy listening but she somehow STILL passes as a country artist.

On the flip side they allow artists like The Civil Wars to be played somewhere other than our Nashville indie radio station. They give Lady Antebellum an outlet and let people who can actually sing just...sing.

When you fling the doors wide open to anyone and everyone, there's bound to be a few good ones slip through, I suppose.

But come on. Kid Rock? Whose idea was that?

Do you listen to country music? Why or why not? Also--that Chris Gaines thing--weird, right?

*I legit went to see Hootie and the Blowfish play once in college (in like 2008, to be clear) and half the songs were terrible country jams and distinctively NOT "Hold My Hand" or "Let Her Cry." I was sorely disappointed.

5 Reasons Why You Should Be Watching Doctor Who

Psst...I wrote this post for you guys. Really, I did. But I also kind of wrote it for the folks at Xtra Bacon. So jump on over by clicking here or at the end of the post to read the rest!

Doctor Who. It's a thing now, whether you like it or not. So let's just talk about it. I feel like enough traction has been gained surrounding this show for me to gush about it now without being met with blank stares.

Well, you will be staring blankly, because this is the Internet, but I'll pretend you're smiling and nodding enthusiastically with every word.

Today I'm going to tell you five reasons you should be watching Dr. Who.

If you've never heard of it, or you have heard of it but don't understand what the gibberish is all about, it's a British sci-fi show about a 900-year-old alien who travels through time and space saving the day. GIVE ME A MINUTE TO EXPLAIN.

The alien--a Time Lord, to be specific--goes by the name of The Doctor. No one knows his actual name, hence "Doctor Who?"

He has a time machine called the TARDIS that looks like a blue phone booth (technically a "police box"), which can travel anywhere in time and space. Therefore he can go to Rome in 84 B.C., then an unpronounceable planet in 8000 A.D., then China in 1975 and it all works because, long story short, the TARDIS can basically do anything and is indestructible.

He also travels with a companion, almost always female, almost always pretty. He travels to random places and times, finds things that are amiss and fixes them. For the most part.

On to the reasons you should be watching it:

Click here to read the rest of this post!

5 Reasons Why You Should Be Watching Doctor Who

Doctor Who. It's a thing now, whether you like it or not. So let's just talk about it. I feel like enough traction has been gained surrounding this show for me to gush about it now without being met with blank stares.

Well, you will be staring blankly, because this is the Internet, but I'll pretend you're smiling and nodding enthusiastically with every word.

Today I'm going to tell you five reasons you should be watching Dr. Who.

If you've never heard of it, or you have heard of it but don't understand what the gibberish is all about, it's a British sci-fi show about a 900-year-old alien who travels through time and space saving the day. GIVE ME A MINUTE TO EXPLAIN.

The alien--a Time Lord, to be specific--goes by the name of The Doctor. No one knows his actual name, hence "Doctor Who?"

He has a time machine called the TARDIS that looks like a blue phone booth (technically a "police box"), which can travel anywhere in time and space. Therefore he can go to Rome in 84 B.C., then an unpronounceable planet in 8000 A.D., then China in 1975 and it all works because, long story short, the TARDIS can basically do anything and is indestructible.

He also travels with a companion, almost always female, almost always pretty. He travels to random places and times, finds things that are amiss and fixes them. For the most part.

On to the reasons you should be watching it:

1) The character of the Doctor. This is first and foremost the reason anyone connects with Dr. Who. Probably. I haven't conducted a poll.

But The Doctor -- his personality, thoughts, feelings, experiences--is what makes a British sci-fi show about aliens totally relatable. The Doctor has lived hundreds of years. He has had many friends come and go, particularly humans who don't live for 900 years and/or decide they just want to live a normal life that, y'know, DOESN'T involve almost dying at the hands of psychotic aliens on a weekly basis. And often in his attempts to save some people, he has inadvertently killed others.

Because of the power he has, he is constantly having to make terribly difficult decisions. He's the epitome of a tragic, flawed hero. He's captivating and brilliant and funny and heartbreaking all at the same time, and I adore it. And you will too.

2) Matt Smith and David Tennant. Technically this show has been on for nearly 50 years, and there have been 11 incarnations of the Doctor. This is possible because Time Lords can regenerate when they are dying, giving the writers of the show the perfect way to keep it going with new actors.

I was introduced to the show with Matt Smith, the 11th Doctor (pictured above), so Matt will always have the number one spot in my heart. He's charming and adorable, but he also carries the weight of an old man who has seen far too much in his life perfectly. He hunches a bit, wrings his hands and says old man types of things, but with a youthful spirit. Plus, that man can deliver a monologue like no one else. I adore him and he will always be my favorite Doctor.

Exhibit A: David Tennant as the Tenth Doctor

Most people I meet (on the Internet) adore David Tennant in much the same way. He is what will turn your casual interest in Dr. Who to an all-out obsession in a matter of episodes. Most people start with number 9, when the show was rebooted in 2005, but he was only okay, so David Tennant wins them over. He's also charming, but in a bit of a nerdier sense. Where Smith is more of a professor, Tennant is more of a scientist. (This description has not been validated by anyone except yours truly.) Tennant will capture your heart, and you will have to pay for a few therapy sessions when he leaves. So start saving now.

Matt leaves in December of this year, so I am collecting donations for the amount of therapy I will require then.

Both are incredible actors, and largely the reason for the widespread success of Dr. Who in my opinion.

3) Fantastic story lines. I think this is particularly the case in Matt Smith's era, but in each episode and across the season, the storyline is intriguing and usually brilliant. There's an element of mystery as you try to figure out, along with the Doctor, what is amiss and why. The "enemies" he comes across are complex--not just monsters with no capacity for reason. Except the Daleks.* They're just the worst.

Exhibit A: Dalek.

The Doctor, being generally against outright violence, is often put in a hard spot trying to amicably resolve conflict between two opposing forces.

Additionally the Doctor's own story is fascinating --things he must do and must never do, facing his past, facing his future, losing companions and friends--all a part of his grander journey. Even compelling are the stories of the historical figures and myths he interacts with. One of the show's most popular episodes focuses on Vincent Van Gogh, whose troubled character in and of himself will draw you in.

4) Recurring characters. Dr. River Song, Madame Vastra, Jenny, Strax, Captain Jack, all of his companions…these are people you cheer for when you see again. And the best part is, you probably will see them again. Even if you didn't like them very much, you'll cheer, because you're so invested in them. They are friends of the Doctor, who are few and far between, but unwaveringly loyal. They're all honorable and brave in their own way, and some give the Doctor a run for his money, which he needs every once and a while to knock him down a peg.

5) Because you will finally know what everyone is talking about on the Internet. TARDIS, "Allons-y!", "Bowties are cool," Daleks, "Hello Sweetie," random 3D glasses, "Don't Blink," Fezes, a weird wand looking thing called a sonic screwdriver…all of these phrases and pictures will make sense to you now. Sure, it will mean you're a total nerd, but don't worry, you're in good company.

In conclusion, Dr. Who will play to your whimsical side, enthrall you, make you laugh, make you cry…usually all in one episode. That is why you should be watching Dr. Who.

Oh and because Matt Smith.

All seasons beginning from 2005 are on Netflix besides the most recent one, which you can buy on iTunes. So NO EXCUSES.

Some of my favorite episodes to bookmark: Vincent and the Doctor, A Good Man Goes to War, The Lodger, The Doctor's Wife

*basically glorified R2D2-looking things with slimy octopus guys inside that have no sense of any emotion apart from hate and the will to destroy anything to keep the Daleks supreme. Oh and they talk like a YakBak that has been crushed by a steel-toed boot and just keeps repeating "EX-TER-MIN-ATE" over and over again.

If you've watched Dr. Who, which is your favorite Doctor and why? If not, when are you going to start watching it? Today right? During your lunch break?

A Letter to the Gangnam-Style Guy About His Drinking Problem

Dear Psy,

I never thought I'd be corresponding with you. In fact, I thought you'd probably be gone by now, to be honest. Your song is 2013's Macarena. Everyone knows that. It has a dance and everything. Oh…you don't know what the Macarena is? It was this half-spanish song in the 90's that had a corresponding dance where you put your hands out one by one and then on your hips and…it's not important. Basically I am surprised your song has lasted as long as it has.

I'm not knocking you. I'm impressed, really. The fact that you managed to score a pistachio endorsement deal is beyond me. But hey, this is America, the land of opportunity. Those opportunities might require you to sell out and do some things to compromise your integrity, but they're there if you want them.

I write to you today with a somber heart, in response to some unfortunate news I stumbled upon about you. Again I am impressed with your ability to even stay in the news, but sometimes no news is good news, y'know? Or that might only apply to illnesses and not Korean pop stars hoping to have a career in American mainstream culture. But I digress.

It has recently come to my attention that you have a severe drinking problem.

Your statement bore a striking resemblence to the Bagel Bites theme song, and not in a good way:

"If I'm happy, I'm drinking, if I'm sad, I'm drinking. If it's raining, I'm drinking, if it's sunny, I'm drinking."

Ok it wasn't exactly, drinking in the morning, drinking in the evening, drinking at suppertime. But close.

It may have been the language barrier. Maybe you thought you were saying something like "breathing" or maybe you didn't know "drinking" implies "drinking alcohol" and really you're just trying to stay hydrated because you're not used to the heat in California.

But it doesn't look good, Psy.

Suddenly your nonsensical music and signature dance all makes sense. You were drunk the whole time! I can't believe we didn't realize it before.

You'll have to forgive us, though. We fell for it because often, in our culture, we have trouble distinguishing between American celebrities who are drunk and those who are just performing or chose to wear that on purpose. We don't know the difference, so good on you for capitalizing on that.

Psy, it can't go on. Your drinking may be what made you famous and allowed you to wear neon green and promote similarly colored nuts, but this will not end well.

If we've learned anything from your run as a popular icon it's that your constant drinking does not lead to the best life choices.

Sure, it gives people a reason to write off your behavior like, oh, he's just drunk again! That Psy. Always with the alcohol.

But someday it will not pay off. Someday the pistachio commercials and the meme tattoos will be just a memory and you'll be left with just a lifetime supply of nuts and a hole in your heart. And maybe keyboard cat. You must've met when you did those commercials, right? Or maybe in a meme support group? Can you introduce me to keyboard cat? I'll include my number just in case.

I mean yeah, stopping drinking probably won't further your career in the American music industry, because I think we're pretty much done here. But that doesn't mean I don't care--if only the minutest amount--about your well being and ability to go on gangnam-styling into the sunset with the ability to pass a sobriety test.

So why don't we just take a deep breath, check ourselves into rehab (but not the one that Lindsay Lohan keeps going to because obviously they are not good at their jobs), and get back out there, Psy. If not for us, for pistachios. And keyboard cat.

On a scale of 1 to "Can't Stop" by Miley Cyrus, how much do you hate "Gangnam Style?" Were any of you able to decipher that he was actually just drunk?

Forgive Me For Word-Vomiting All Over You On Twitter

How I sometimes feel when I look at my Twitter feed after the Bachelorette airs

It's no secret that blogging is a means to be heard. I want people to read my writing, so I push it out there twice a week (at least), tweet about it, post on Facebook about it and hope that people like it and tell other people about it so that even more people read it.

I want people to read it so that they hopefully become fans of my writing and one day when they need a freelance writer, they will call me, or if/when I write more things, they will buy them and I can actually have a career as a writer. I mean, of course I also want people to enjoy it and maybe even make them laugh or think, but the overarching reason for blogging, in general, is to further my writing career, because it's what I love to do. So admittedly, yes, I want to be heard.

The danger of being a blogger and constantly inundating the masses with your words is that when a couple of people start listening, you start to think all your words are necessary. People need to know what you think about X. Why? Because you're funny. You're entertaining. You're insightful. Why wouldn't people want to read what you have to say?

I stand here before you (metaphorically) admitting I have gotten caught up in this. Over and over again. I tweet commentary constantly without stepping back to think if I'm actually providing something insightful or funny or if I'm just shoving in my two cents.

Soon I'm tweeting all the freaking time without really keeping track--oh this is a funny link, oh I had a clever observation, oh let me quote this person and add my opinion, let me respond to 18 people, oh and here's my blog post---and I step back at the end of the day and wonder how it's possible that I sent out so many. Then I feel embarrassed and wish I could take it all back. And possibly quit Twitter forever.

That lasts about until the next time I have a thought about a celebrity or need to promote a blog post and I'm back on the train.

I'm willing to bet I'm not the only one who does this, but I'm willing to be the only one who admits it, if necessary, just to get it out on paper--or a screen, rather--in the hopes that maybe it will stick.

It's not like I consciously think, "I AM IMPORTANT. I AM FUNNY. YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO ME." But the underlying sentiment, if I really peel it back, is that everyone needs to hear what I have to say, and they have to hear it RIGHT NOW. It cannot wait a day or an hour or five minutes.

I think it can even bleed into my personal life when I'm in groups of people, especially ones I don't know very well. [Sidebar: these are small groups. I avoid large ones. Duh.] I want you to like me and think I'm funny and insightful and all that, so I just spew attempted witticisms about things. I love it when people laugh. I regret everything I've ever said about anything and want to run and hide when they don't.

So I'm thinking I need to keep my mouth shut more. I think I need to listen to someone else's opinions and ask more questions when I'm with people. I think I need to read more than I type. I think I need to take a beat after the initial "I should tweet that" lightbulb and see if it's still worth tweeting 5 minutes later. A lot of times, it's probably not as funny or insightful or, at the least, urgent as I think it is. Maybe people don't NEED to watch that video right this second. Maybe people don't need my all-caps rants. Maybe (just maybe) people don't care about the Bachelorette as much as I do.

Overall I'm thinking I might just need to reign it in.

You might not notice because I'll probably still tweet several times a day, but perhaps if I try really hard, I can take just one of those out of your feed and let you talk instead.

Do you ever have this problem of talking too much online? Or in person?

Disturbing Headline OTD: Tuna Capsizes Boat, Drags Man Into Sea

Fish are creepy. Let's just be honest. I put them in a similar category as birds, in which they are fine from a distance--sometimes even enjoyable, depending on the variety-- but if one gets too close or, heaven forbid, TOUCHES me? That's another story entirely. Get it away from me. Immediately. Fish can also apparently be very strong, which makes them even more terrifying. I didn't even know how terrified I should be of fish until now.

Why? Because a man in Hawaii was recently DRUG INTO THE OPEN SEA by a giant tunafish.

A TUNAFISH.

I don't understand how something that comes in a tiny aluminum can with a pop top can be so horrific. I mean the one on the label looks so nice, with his glasses and everything:

Actually now that I think about it he kind of looks smug with his beret and eyebrows and all but still, NOT HORRIFYING.

Apparently tunas can grow to be like six feet long and are marked by an iron resolve to not go down easy and an affinity for dragging people into the sea.

WHO KNEW?

Well, poor 54-year-old Anthony Wichman knows. Thankfully he's alive, but can you imagine being drowned by a giant fish? Just being drug down to the depths on fishing wire by glorified cat food?

They were able to find him by his cell phone signal, because he apparently was able to call his daughter during this fiasco whilst clinging to his capsized boat and choke out the words "sinking" and "coast guard." Luckily his daughter is insightful and took this to mean "Help, I am being drug into the sea by a giant tuna fish and need you to please call the coast guard to rescue me before I die."

His friends later brought his boat in to shore and found that the tuna was STILL THERE, attached to the boat. What did I tell you? RESOLVE. Pure, unadulterated determination.

Wichman and his family told the fishermen friends to keep the tuna as a token of appreciation, but I'm thinking it was more of a "no really, you can keep it" "no, you earned it, you should keep it" "no, no, it's yours" which eventually ended in the Wichmans insisting their take it away as a "token of appreciation." I mean that fish is this man's NEMESIS. Plus it's probably willing itself to live so it can plot its revenge, and no one needs that hanging over their heads (literally, if they mount their conquests on the wall) once they've survived nearly drowning by tunafish. Hopefully they did the right thing and turned him in to a tuna packaging plant or something.

So next time you pop open a can of Starkist and you taste a slight hint of vengeance, just remember ol' Wichman and chew extra hard for him.

Has a fish ever touched you in the ocean? Did you or did you not freak out?

Tales from a 3rd Grade Journal, Vol. 4

Other kids in this photo will remain nameless for their own protection. I, however, have to claim it because apparently I was feeling like an attention hog that day.

With all that's been happening in the news lately (though I suppose I could say that every day), I thought I would take us back to a simpler time today. A time when concerns were as great as being in the right fort at recess or having a mechanical pencil.

Yes, it's time for another rousing rendition of: Tales from a 3rd Grade Journal!

If you're new around here or only read sporadically (no judgement), I have kept journals from the time I was about 6 years old until the present day. Middle and high school got the bulk of the pages, but there are some significant experiences documented in the early years as well. Here I decided to share this valuable insight for you so that you, too, may understand third graders. Or at least white girls who grew up in small-town Alabama and went to an even smaller school.

I write them exactly as they appear, [except for redacting and changing names to protect the innocent] so all spelling errors and/or hateful statements are of my 3rd grade self and therefore cannot be held against me in a court of law. Or Facebook comment threads.

You can read the other volumes here.

HERE WE GO.

Bedtime

1/30/97

Guess what? [Hermoine] said another bad thing today at school. [Fleur]'s tooth was bleeding and then was hurting and Mrs. R said "Just don't think about it." and [Hermoine] said "[Fleur], what did Mrs. R just say!?" (In a mean tone of voice too.) I think she's a meanie head. Oh, and Mrs. R doesn't do anything about hurts or pains. And one day my knee was hurting and Mrs. R. didn't do anything but say "I'm sorry." and today my side was hurting and she did the same thing.

Well, here comes another day, Bye.

Love, Laura

P.S. Today was Fri.

EDITOR'S NOTES: I have a new respect for teachers who do not moonlight as doctors. Also I included this entry solely for the depressing sign-off. Must've really been an off Friday.

Bedtime Mar. 12, 1997

Dear Diary,

Maybe I've told you but we are doing a talent show on the 28th I think, and Noelle W, Christie J and I are going to sing "Born to Be Wild." I hope it will be fun & a blast!! [insert smiley face under the exclamation points]

I blew it for our row in Vocabulary. I missed 2. We were going to each get a peice of candy but you know what.

Gotta Go! Bye!! [insert smiley face under the exclamation points] Laura P.S: Wish me luck in the talent show! (we're singing)

EDITOR'S NOTES: Come on, Laura. GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME. There was CANDY on the line. Additionally I really need to get the hang of finishing my.

[This entry is written entirely in puffy pink marker] Mar. 26, 1997

Dear Diary, I saw the Hail Bopp comet! We went into the Lynn's yard & saw it!! [do not insert smiley face under exclamation points] At about 8:49 p.m. it won't come back for another 4[pink splotch],000 years! The last time it came when the Egipsions were building their pyrimeds. [crude drawing of a pyramid aka a puffy pink triangle] Laura

EDITOR'S NOTES: I appreciate the accuracy of the time. I think you can lose the "about." Also, valiant effort at spelling Egyptians. If English made any sense whatsoever, that would be correct.

5/21/97 Dear Journal,

Today a new Wall-Mart opened. I got a black Kelly named Deidre. She's a picnic barbie [strikethrough] Kelly. I also got a new CD. Spice Girls single of wannabe & bumper to bumper. Also we saved a kitty from a tree. It was white. We even called the fire department. Their names were Kelly [redacted] & Tim [redacted]. Now [redacted from previous entry]'s been my friend for a long time now. Today we [scribbles] My friends Andrea, Noelle & Christie got in a fight. Noelle's in Katie's fort now. And we settled whether or not to do a thing at the end of the year party at my house. I'll write again & tell what it as like. We're going to Detroit on Fri.

Gotta Go, Bye, Laura

EDITOR'S NOTES: Look at my adorable small town life. We LITERALLY rescued a cat from a tree and were excited about a Wal-mart. I mean honestly. Plus, Spice Girls. Wasn't life the greatest? Y'know, except that whole vocabulary faux pas. That was embarrassing. Get your act together, 3rd grade me. This wasn't 2013 when everyone gets a trophy. You have to EARN your candy.

What's your most embarrassing and/or hilarious memory from elementary school? Did you see the Hail Bopp comet or have the Spice Girls CD single?

Puffy Paint, Exposed Bras and Beyonce: The Mrs. Carter Tour Recap

First things first, on this Tuesday morning: I SAW BEYONCE IN REAL LIFE ON SATURDAY NIGHT. I mean sure, I had to pay a hefty sum to do it and stay in my seat like 75 yards away from her but she was THERE. And it was every bit as incredible as I'd hoped.

For those of you who care very little about this experience (I don't understand you, but I accept you just the way you are), here is the quick roundup based on my predictions for the show:

BEYONCE BY THE NUMBERS: Number of outfit changes: approx. 9. (I know there were at least 8 but I think even more than that. I started to keep count but was too busy dancing to keep up.) Number of hats worn as part of her outfits: 2 (I was surprised by this. Who wears hats? Well, Beyonce does. And she was pulling. it. off.) Number of minutes we sang "to the left, to the left" before the song actually started: I predicted 3, and I'd say this was about accurate. One of the guys who got to sing this in the microphone actually screamed it in like a manic fit and I was afraid he was just going to spontaneously combust out of sheer excitement. Other lucky attendees included two angelicly-voiced children and one painfully tone-deaf girl. Number of "how y'all doin', Nashville?"s: She technically broke this up and said "Nashville," [screams] "How y'all doin?" But I think that still counts as 1 out of 2. Number of wind machines: I think 2 was accurate but it could have easily been more. UPDATE: My husband reminded me that there were at least two on the 2nd stage as well, so this brings the total up to AT LEAST four.

As you can see below, my friend Taylor and I did not skimp on the puffy paint. We were the only ones in a sea of 20,000 people wearing puffy paint shirts (Period. Not even small children were wearing these. Can you believe that? Kids today.). We were simultaneously proud and embarrassed, so I think the puffy paint did its job. Note that Taylor is 800% more artsy than me.

If you can't tell, mine says "Beyonce 4 President," and hers says "Who Run The World? BEY."

As we walked in to the venue and made our way to our seats we were impressed with the diversity of the crowd. Small children, adults, black people, white people, gay people, straight people, moms, teenagers. Basically all your kinds of people. I mean, everyone loves Beyonce, you guys.

We were also impressed how low the bar some women apparently set for the amount of clothing that counts as acceptable concert-wear was. Many women were just wearing fuchsia bras with like half of a denim jacket over top, but only buttoned once underneath the chest so as to give the necessary amount of boost. We learned that showing midriff is apparently back in, jumpers --while not convenient for bathroom-going purposes--are now all the rage, and that I apparently have a low pain tolerance because most women we saw were wearing like 6-inch heels. To a concert. Which requires standing. For hours.

The opener was named Luke James, who I chose to describe as a cross between Usher and Mr. T., due to his abs, gold jewelry, Mr. T haircut and shirt that he had ripped into a vest mid-song. I can't remember a single one of his songs, mostly because they all ran together and I had trouble picking out a chorus at all, but people seemed to like it when he warbled long notes at us (especially the high pitched ones), accompanied by nothing but some tracks and a drummer.

That was over pretty quickly and we proceeded to wait nearly an hour for Queen B to come out. But she's Beyonce and I was getting the privilege of paying an exorbitant amount of money to be in her remote vicinity so she can do what she wants. Plus maybe Blue Ivy needed a juice box or something. I don't know.

During this time it came to my attention that I am woefully out of touch with hip hop and R&B these days. Seriously the whole arena at one point erupted in cheers followed by dance moves I could never do on the first note of some song that I later found out is called like Birthday Song, sung (term used loosely) by someone I've never heard of. It was clear something was happening there that we were not a part of.

Finally she emerged and proceeded to blow our minds with her insane talent for two hours. There were huge LED screens, interlude videos that made no sense but Beyonce still looked pretty in, flying between stages via harness, dancers whose legs moved about as if independent from their bodies, basically all you could want and more.

I won't do a play-by-play because I have already written about 800 words and I'm still talking, but suffice it to say it was probably the most fun concert I've ever been to. She dances like no one I've ever seen and of course she sings amazingly. And she's someone who has so many hits that almost every song is just a dance party to a song you love.

My favorite part was probably after she flew to the other stage (closer to us) and sang "Irreplaceable", "Love on Top" and "Survivor." I mean come on. Dream team of songs. Plus we got to hold our fists in the air and pretend like we were survivors like Beyonce which I totally did because I will do whatever Beyonce asks me to do without question (hold my first in the air, put my hands up, snap, repeat after her…you name it).

Other highlights for me: "Get Me Bodied," "Crazy In Love" (though I was disappointed at the lack of Jay Z in this performance--you are married, Beyonce. This means you get to tell your husband to put his married pants on and do things he doesn't want to do and this should have been one of them.), "Run the World."

Did I leave anything out? If you were there, what was your favorite part? If not, what is your favorite concert you've ever been to? (And did you make puffy paint shirts?)

Operation: Beyonce BFF, Phase 1 [Or, "I'm going to her concert."]

Click the logo above for more Beyonce News posts. (Yes, there are more.)

Friends, Romans, readers of my blog:

Saturday I am going to see THE Sasha Fierce herself LIVE IN CONCERT at the Bridgestone Arena.

I know, I know.

It's really an honor just to be in the same building as her.

It's kind of snuck up on me a bit--which is the reason you have not heard about it incessantly in my Twitter feed--but I am super excited all the same to pretend I know parts of the Single Ladies dance and do the hand gesture with all the moms in the audience when she sings it.

Sure, the tickets were expensive and we're kind of poor, but SHUT UP DAVE RAMSEY IT'S BEYONCE OKAY?

The only downside to the whole thing was that Beyonce was our "if she comes to Nashville, we're going, no matter how broke we are" artist, so once we successfully got tickets we moved on to Justin Timberlake.

Well, guess who decides to stroll into Nashville in the SAME three month period? None other than ol' JT himself. Totally rude of him.

Since we just bought a house, we let Ramsey win one this time and had to pass. So this concert had BETTER be good. I'm missing "Cry Me A River" for this.

I'm not worried though, obviously.

I'm secretly hoping that Jay Z will shirk all of his new album responsibilities and come out and sing Crazy in Love with her and little Blue Ivy will like do the Dougie in the foreground because they just love Nashville so much but you know, whatever, it's just an idea, I haven't really thought about it that much.

Unfortunately Beyonce has now taken like an Unbreakable Vow with Pepsi or something so we may be forced to support my soft drink nemesis.

SIDEBAR RANT: No, Diet Pepsi is NOT okay, waitress. Don't even try to act like it's the same thing. When we were in Orlando last month, I ordered a Diet Coke, the waitress nodded and left, and then another waitress walked up and said "Diet Pepsi?" and I had to look around like UH who ordered that crap and then have the sinking realization was for me and then sheepishly raise my hand, drenched in shame and anger. I couldn't send it back at THIS point. What would that have sounded like? "Uh actually I ordered Diet Coke, and your co-waitress--who must, by the way, take a sick pleasure in viewing others' misfortunes--knew darn well you didn't have Coke but must have figured, 'meh, it's basically the same thing." Well, let me tell you, she is NOT qualified to make that judgement call okay? So please take this sludge away from me." …yeah, that probably would've been too intense. I ended up also ordering a water.

One of my best friends and I will be there rocking homemade puffy paint shirts (DUH) as my husband graciously refrains from trying to distance himself from us (hopefully).

Here are my predictions:

Costume changes: at least 6 Wind machines in the floor of the stage: at least 2 "How y'all doin' Nashville?"s: 3 Pepsi logos: 8 infinity-trillion Minutes we have to sing "to the left, to the left" before the song starts: 3 Girls born since 1998: A LOT

If anyone is interested in reading a recap of the show, let me know in the comments. We all know I am a seasoned concert correspondent now that I went into the bunker for you on the Biebs concert. I'm willing to be that again. Y'know. If you want.

What song would you want her to play the MOST? I think "Love on Top" will be a winner, I love "End of Time" and "Get Me Bodied," and I'm hoping for a Destiny's Child medley. Fingers crossed.

Additionally, is there anything you want me to report back on that I didn't cover in my predictions above?

An Amateur Analysis of "Man of Steel"

SIDEBAR: I wrote a (very) short story over at my dear friend Nicole's blog on Friday. Seriously, we're talking a third the length of this post. Check it out here!

Once upon a time, I wrote an amateur analysis of "Brave." I had high expectations for that movie, admittedly, but it let me down in more ways than one. So I shared my thoughts here [Summary: Approx. 500% more bears than anticipated; very little character development]. Reactions were mixed--but it was fun to hear what everyone thought. So I thought I'd go there again.

On Saturday, I finally saw Man of Steel with my husband. Monsters University or Despicable Me 2 would have both come before this movie in my queue, but since it came out first, it was only fair to see this one first. (We are woefully behind because of the whole moving thing.)

I didn't have enormous expectations because I'm not necessarily a die-hard Superman fan, but most superhero movies are at least worth seeing, so I had a general expectation that it would be enjoyable.

It wasn't The Worst Move I've Ever Seen, but I definitely thought it was lacking.

Keep in mind that I like good stories and don't go see movies for special effects or action, but overall I left feeling like it was very surface level in terms of story and character development, and I wasn't invested in it hardly at all.

Here were my main issues with it: [NOTE: calling them "issues" makes it seem like I care deeply about the making of this movie or the legacy of the Superman franchise, but in reality I just have a lot of opinions about things that don't matter.]

Oh, and SPOILER ALERT. Duh.

1. I didn't care about Superman. In order for me to enjoy a movie, I need to be invested in it. I need to know at least enough to know why that person is the way he is, what gets under his skin, how he interacts with people, etc. Clark, to me, didn't make relationships or interact with people. He had like six lines in the first hour and a half of the movie. He just stood around looking solemn and broody. Don't get me wrong, he was pretty and all, and there's nothing wrong with broody, but this role is not requiring much acting from Henry Cavill at this point. The most emotion I saw him display was when he was yelling at his dad in the truck when he was a teenager.

I'm just saying, I at least need a PERSONALITY. Even if I don't have a ton of background information, show me what you are like. EMOTE. Make me want to hang out with you. Or punch you. Just don't float somewhere in between. And I don't like perfect super heroes. Give me some flaws. Give me some mistakes. Give me some regret. I just need more human elements.

Point 1 Thor for having all of these things, and still being pretty.

2. Superman looked better with a beard. I was sorely disappointed that he didn't stay scruffy. I thought it was an exponential improvement from the stereotypical Superman appearance and would have been a welcome refresh to the whole Superman look. But I'm partial to facial hair. Wouldn't you have liked him better if he kept the beard? Is it a requirement to be clean-cut and slick back your hair if you wear a cape? I'm asking.

My new mission in life is to create the first scruffy super hero. He will wear a v-neck.

3. It could have ended like three times. I mean honestly. When Zod was STILL alive after all the others got sucked into a black hole and they fought for like another three hours? Just...we get it, okay? Enough.

4. More setup, less fighting please. I know this is a total girl move, but overall this movie lacked background. I need to know how Clark just HAPPENED upon the ship. I need to know how they just flip a switch to change the air from "human compatible" to "Krypton-person (Kryptonite??) compatible." I need to know how Giselle from Enchanted who is a JOURNALIST in this film, by the way, came up with a way to create a black hole to suck the bad guys into. I need to know how they arrived at that conclusion. Too many things in this movie seemed coincidental.

Also, things that could have been fleshed out more got totally bullet-pointed, and I was left wondering what the heck just happened. Like all of a sudden Russell Crowe reappears and Clark now has a full costume and a cape and apparently had time to shave and he can fly now and WHAT. I don't understand how he could just...fly. I know he jumped and could soar because of less gravity and all, but how does that translate to FLYING and HOVERING? I NEED MORE INFORMATION.

And thanks for telling me Zod's predisposed job at the very end. Could've used that information 45 minutes ago. I would have cared more.

5. STOP RUINING BUILDINGS THERE ARE STILL PEOPLE IN THERE! Yo. Clark. The rest of the bad guys have been sucked into a black hole and Metropolis has stopped caving in on itself. Let's take the fight outside, okay? How about let's NOT flail around amid skyscrapers and send several more crashing down. Also by the way this movie could've ended 10 minutes ago.

Basically I've concluded that Dr. Who has ruined everything else for me by creating such a complex and beloved character that I can't even deal with Superman's blah-ness anymore. [But really, was him fighting Zod not just a worse version of The Doctor's face-off with The Master? Someone help me out here.]

In conclusion, Superman should've had a beard, and I need someone to make up a backstory or two for me.

Have you seen Man of Steel? What did you think? (Males, feel free to argue that fighting > story development. I won't be offended.)

10 Questions I Have About a Pretentious Rich Guy's Diet

My friend sent me an article from Buzzfeed this week called "The 24 Most Pretentious Things Ever." Isn't Buzzfeed the greatest? I think it might be the best thing to come out of the Internet so far. It doesn't make me any less jealous of the people that get to assemble silly pictures and call them articles and themselves freelance writers but WHATEVER.

The whole list is pretty great, but one in particular gave me pause. This guy's diet:

Upon reading this, I immediately began to doubt my grasp of the English language. I like to think I'm pretty okay at it, considering I enjoy writing and hate poor grammar, but this thing left me reeling.

Here are a few questions and concerns I have after reading this:

1. What are "activated" almonds? Here I am eating dumb ol' regular almonds like a commoner when I could be eating activated almonds. They probably like boost your white blood cell count or give you the ability to fly, and I'm just sitting here chomping down on my sad, pathetic, lazy almonds. Why did no one tell me about this sooner?
2. Where does one acquire emu meatballs? Does your town have to have a local emu farmer who has a partnership with a local butcher in order to make this happen? Do you pick out your own emu to slaughter? Are we sure emus don't have feelings? If they do can we start calling them emos instead? Can we make them listen to Hawthorne Heights and put their wallets on chains? I think I've gotten off track, here. The real question is, do they taste like chicken? And if so, isn't chicken cheaper and comes with less judgement? Moving on.
3. I don't know about you, but anything besides red Twizzlers on the licorice scale is the worst. So I'm assuming licorice tea would also be the worst. I'm not a tea connoisseur, but I feel like there has to be a better option out there.
4. Veggies are spelled with two g's. Obviously they don't have spelling classes in Pretentious Rich Person Chef School.
5. What are spirulina and maca? I literally have no idea what those are, and Evernote is underlining both words with a red line, which means even IT doesn't know what those are. Get out of here with that. Good rule of thumb: if the word you're using is literally not in the dictionary, you're being too pretentious.
6. Good on you for eating cultured vegetables, because I for one would never want to eat a vegetable that didn't know the tenets of Buddhism or had never seen a real Van Gogh.
7. Cacao nibs are just a 100% more terrible version of chocolate.
8. Alkalised water? Really? REALLY?
9. Who has liver pate lying around and if you did, why would you choose to put it in your mouth when there are such things as CHEEZ-ITs?
10. If you are sautéing kale and making fresh fish at lunch time, you need a real job.

What questions do you have about this guy's eating habits? Are there any eating trends you just don't understand?

Janet Jackson Performs a Hat Trick of Questionable Decisions

As I scoured the Internet yesterday looking for something interesting to ramble on about even though no one asked me to, I found myself scraping the bottom of the barrel. It was all poorly named babies and Alec Baldwin twitter rants, and something about J.Lo accidentally complimenting an oppressive dictator. Nothing of extreme significance or intrigue. No snail invasions or weird Japanese inventions. Not even any pictures of North West.

So I called on you fine people to help me out, and you delivered with many quality suggestions. But today we are going to talk about Janet Jackson.

Or should I say, Jannat Jackson. Why would I say that, you ask?

Because ol' Jannat has married a Middle Eastern billionaire and jumped ship to Qatar. This also prompted her to convert to Islam and (wait for it) change her name to "Jannat."

First of all, if you're going to change your name, go big or go home. You can't just shift some letters around to a slightly more Arabic-looking spelling and call it a day.

SIDEBAR: Do you think she walks around and when people say, "Hey Janet!" (or "[insert Arabic word for "hey" here] Janet!") she smiles politely but corrects them with a slight air of condescension, "Actually, it's Jah-NAHT," and they smile and nod apologetically but when she walks away they roll their eyes and do that fake-gag pantomime and whisper things like "who does she think she is?" and "I always liked Michael better."?

I think they totally do. You see, other countries are not so different from us, after all.

Second of all, let's just rein it in a bit, Jan-NAHT. Let's do a little self inventory. When a man's presence in your life causes you to make drastic decisions and literally change your identity, you should take a minute to think about whether or not this is a healthy relationship. I know, I know, he's kind of pretty in a Bond-villan kind of way and has a billion dollars but SO DO YOU, Jan-NAHT. So do you. Or you did. I'm not really sure where that "Together Again" money is now.

But you coined the term "wardrobe malfunction" at the Super Bowl with Justin Timberlake! That was you! I'm just saying, you're not hurting for money, okay? So let's pump the breaks a little bit on moving across the ocean and taking on a new religion AND changing your name. If you feel like you have to be someone else for Wissam Al Mana, then dang it, he is not good enough for you, Janet.

You are even giving up your music career so that he can have a private life? Come on, Janet. That's not you. That's the David Blane look-alike talking. Don't you want to wear clothing inappropriate for your age and lip sync to autotuned lyrics in front of thousands of people? Don't you want to wear a hands-free Britney mic and writhe around with dancers who were born after your last number one single was released? I know you do. It's who you are. Let's not deny yourself that for a few measly bucks and a businessman who wears hoodies and wishes he was Eminem.

Janet, you're better than this. You're better than Jah-NAHT.

Let me be clear, though. Please don't hear me saying I want you to return to music. I really don't. But I want you to have the OPTION. Because you are Janet Freaking Jackson, ma'am. Sister to THE Michael Jackson. Get back out there and make terrible music. Because this is America, and you can.

Where were you during The Great Wardrobe Malfunction of 2004?

"I Hate The New Miley Song So Hard" - A Poem By Yours Truly

This is an original poem centered entirely around how much I loathe the new Miley Cyrus song and video (above).

[ahem]

How do I hate thee, Miley video? Let me count the ways. I hate your misleading scenes slicing off fake fingers, and "hey, Just for kicks, let's bleed pink Gak!" Oh, you don't remember Gak? That's because you were two years old. Billy Ray was still partyin' in the back.

I hate the way you shake your badonk and writhe in see-through clothes. I hate the way you lick the air like anything raunchy goes.

I hate the dancing teddy bears. I hate that you clutch others' butts. You used to be Hannah Montana. Now you just have ridiculous haircuts.

I hate your obvious drug references and invoking of God's name. I know you think he's not judging you, but I'm pretty sure this is fair game.

I hate that you chose to let people shoot smoke out of a hose held in their crotches. I hate that you can't keep your gum in your mouth and really, your face, to be honest.

I hate that you brought bread into this. What did it ever do to you? Why did you make money sandwiches and hoard piles of the slices too?

I hate the product placement for those round chapsticks. I especially hate all the tongues. I hate the creepy floating mask. I wish this had never been sung.

I hate that you idolize strip clubs. Don't you know they degrade women? I hate that you think you're a thug. Don't you dare think about putting a grill in.

I hate that this video got so many views, And of those I was at least three. I hate that I don't know what twerking is Or why you insist on making it your thing.

So count me as one of your haters. See if I even care. Because I hate this song with all my heart. ...I'm gonna go listen to "Party in the USA" again and pretend this never happened.

What is your least favorite part of this obnoxious crazy parade?

A Quarter-Century of (Almost) Profound Wisdom

I believe this is my 8th or 9th birthday, and we went to see Hercules in theaters. My mom drew popcorn and a soda on my cake in keeping with the theme, and I have a lady bug embroidered on my shirt. Just livin' the dream.

Today is my 25th birthday.

If you're astute (and have heard of such a thing), you will also note it is my "golden birthday," which means I am turning 25 on the 25th. I don't know what significance this has other than the fact that I get to make a bigger deal out of it. I love birthdays so this is good news to me.

Turning 25 seems like kind of a milestone, so I thought it warranted writing about, and it also allows me to shamelessly announce that it is my birthday.

One of the strangest things about being 25 is that I was in high school TEN YEARS AGO. TEN. Honestly? When did that happen? When I visualize my life on a timeline (does anyone else do this in their head?), I pretty much always view high school as my most recent era of life. BUT IT WASN'T. I've done four years of college AND THEN SOME. This is odd to me.

I think time goes by faster the older you get. Not that I'm "old," per se, (though please see the aforementioned high school distance), but high school felt like it went slowly. Each year was its own story and I remember minuscule things that happened on random days in a classroom.

Now I turn around and it's been another year and I'm trying to remember what I even did last weekend.

The last couple of years have not been easy, but I feel good about where I am now. I feel like I have a good sense of who I am and what I am good at. I have friends who care about me and the best husband I could ask for. I have internet friends (THEY EXIST, OK?) who like to spend valuable time pontificating about the same nonsense on TV that I do. Sometimes people actually read and like things that I write. We just bought a new house that I am so excited about. Yes, life can be considered "good," I think.

In light of this milestone, perhaps I will share with you some things I have learned in my 25 years of life (including a whopping 2.5 years of marriage) so far. Some of these did not originate from my own brain, but were taught to me by someone wiser (if it's remotely profound, that is likely the case).

1. Mayonnaise is better than Miracle Whip. It just is.
2. Plane tickets will always be more expensive than I want or expect them to be. Same is true for hotel rooms.
3. Therapy is not just for crazy people. Everyone should do it. I truly believe that.
4. Cereal is satisfying at any time of the day or night.
5. Working out is much easier with podcasts. Also, NEVER forget your headphones when you go the gym. Never. It is terrible.
6. Never turn down a free cookie.
7. I have a theory that all anyone ever wants out of life, when it comes down to it, is to feel loved and known, and the reason anyone does crazy or destructive or wonderful things hinges on that one fact. Of course, I could be wrong.
8. Marriage is hard, but totally worth it.
9. Cupcakes cover a multitude of bad days. (Related: I may use food as a coping mechanism.)
10. Sometimes experiences that are supposed to be great are actually the worst. It's ok.
11. Feeling pain and sorrow is better than feeling nothing at all. You cannot fully experience joy without also embracing pain. People will walk with you through it.
12. Turns out I actually like cream cheese.
13. Feelings are not unimportant or illegitimate. Speak them honestly. Most times, feeling "felt" is more important and satisfying than getting your way.
14. Not all coffee is created equal, but vanilla almond milk helps. (P.S. I've recently become the person who asks coffee shops if they have almond milk. I'm not proud of it.)
15. Cats are not all bad.
16. Don't eat Twix and Mountain Dew every morning during "break." Your body will not thank you. (Looking at you, high school me.)
17. Keep journals. They are entertaining and insightful later.
18. Sometimes ignorance is bliss when it comes to pregnancy and birth. I fear I know too much.
19. Being clear about expectations will save you from a multitude of tension-filled arguments. (This statement is not a guarantee that I have mastered this principle).
20. Always carry fingernail clippers, Advil and chapstick.

What have you learned in your [insert age here] years of living?

New Houses, Bunny Pictures and Bachelorette Podcasts

Hello, friends. That sounded creepy. Let me start again.

Sup, guys.

I'm just gonna move on.

So this week I have been working my little tail off after work each night to pack up all of our stuff and gradually move it over to our new house, as well as paint and get our new house ready to receive said stuff. It's all very exciting but very exhausting. My husband has been out of town on a gig this week, so I've spent a lot of quality time talking to my cat in between taking loads over. Like I said, it's all very exciting.

All this to say, I realized this morning that I had been so busy slathering paint on the walls of our guest room and packing up our pantry (a.k.a. throwing away graham crackers from 2008) that I totally whiffed on writing a post for you today.

I KNOW. The worst. Pretend I said something witty about Kimye or heartfelt about James Gandolfini, because those are really the only things that happened this week.

So in order to help you waste the same amount of time (or more) you normally would reading this blog of mine, please enjoy the following:

1) I got to fill in for Jamie on the Xtra Bacon Bachelorette Podcast Recap this week. It was a lot of fun. We lament the lack of Juan Pablo, discuss Brad's awfulness and the 40 minute Red Cross plug featuring Hootie. Click here to listen!

2) This interview Russell Brand did with MSNBC which only served to make him look fantastic and charming and make them look like buffoons.

3) This picture of a bunny wearing bunny slippers.

Have a wonderful weekend and I will be back with something real for you to read on Tuesday. Promise.

QUESTION: What do you think is the worst part about moving? Alternatively, tell me a story about the last (or worst) time you moved.