Things that don't help you if you're being arraigned.

Brought to you by my friend Noelle’s experience interning at a District Attorney’s office. 1. Not showing up.

2. Having your mother kindly explain your absence by saying “he in a chain-gang.”

3. When the judge calls you because your lawyer isn’t present, you answer “which one is this?”

4. When he replies that it is the meth-related case, you say, “not the grand theft auto?”

5. Responding to your name with “yo.”

6. Dressing like a criminal.

7. Having your family members try to get you out of it by complaining to the DA’s office receptionist.

8. Bringing your two-year-old (and/or baby) to court.

9. Requesting a new public defender. (Beggars can’t be choosers.)

10. Asking if the District Attorney’s receptionist knows who your lawyer is.


11. Talk incessantly when it is not your turn.

12. Suck your thumb.