Disturbing Headline of the Day

TSA: Man had reptiles in his pants First I would just like to say: REPTILES. PLURAL.

Not just one reptile, which I think is safe to say would be plenty, but reptiles. In his pants.

Questions I would like answered:

1. Where is he going with these reptiles? Is his mission so top-secret that he feels he must attempt to hide said reptiles in his Dockers? What about pet carriers?

2. Where has this man been for the last year and a half? Has he just completely just checked out when it comes to TSA body scanners and pat downs? Did he not think that even if he opted for a pat down, the reptiles may actually be provoked by the TSA agent’s gloved hands tap, tap, tapping on their heads? Did he not consider what to do in the event that one of these iguanas (I’m picturing iguanas) went rogue and blew his cover by trying to bite the agent’s hand and/or escape the pantalones?

3. Has no one stopped to think about the poor iguanas in this situation? Seriously, they had to hide inside a heavy man’s pants (I’m also picturing a heavy man because he would obviously have more room in his pants for the iguanas) where he is inevitably sweating because he is trying to casually stroll through airport security with prehistoric creatures strapped to his legs. Which would never work.

They don’t even let you take 3.5oz of Head and Shoulders through security these days, heavy man. Iguanas? Really? (Note: If you find out that the reptiles were not, in fact, iguanas, nor was the man heavy, please don’t tell me.)

Poorly thought out; poorly executed. But I suppose it took courage to saunter up to the security line, snickering to yourself because the person next to you has no idea there are living, breathing animals in your pants. So, kudos to you, heavy man. Kudos to you.