Okay, Chris Brown, I've had all I can stand, and I can't stand no more! (I'm waving my fist in the air for emphasis.)
You have officially had your three strikes. Even though, unlike most people, your strikes actually descended in terms of severity, they still count, and I'm done.
STRIKE ONE. [February 2009] Rihanna. Even though she's gotten progressively more promiscuous, peaked with "Umbrella," and I don't think she can hold her own in a motion picture, no woman deserves to be treated the way you treated her. And sure, not all celebrities are stand-up citizens. I get that. But your inexcusable actions were not only in the public eye, but directed towards another public figure beloved by the American people. NOT OKAY.
Somehow you seem to have laid low long enough that the Powers That Be in pop music have let you slide back into mainstream music and awards show numbers in which you pretty much just move your mouth whilst popping and locking in sync with about 20 other people dressed in white. And also throw in some acrobatics and giant LED walls, leaving us with some temporary blindness and confusion about what just happened.
Well, not me, Chris Brown, not me. Rihanna may have forgiven you--as evidenced by her collaboration with you on an overtly offensive song I'm too afraid to actually listen to--but I haven't. And I'm not really sure who else has. Besides, apparently, radio DJ's and whoever books the Grammy's.
STRIKE TWO. [March 2011] You erupted in a fit of rage on the set of Good Morning America, just because they asked you about the aforementioned Strike One, which resulted in some chair-throwing and window-shattering and shirt-removing. This is GOOD MORNING AMERICA, Chris. You were interviewed by someone with the name Robin Roberts. You weren't exactly in the hot seat.
And what did you expect? You beat up Rihanna. You can't just expect to come waltzing in there with your dumb earrings and the white pants you're not pulling off and expect us to just NOT mention it. It's the elephant in the room. If the elephant had sat on Rihanna.
Don't publicists train celebrities to respond to questions like that with rambling nothingness such as, "Y'know, uh, what happened was really unfortunate and I wish I could take it back, but uh, I just hope we can move on and live in a more positive way...and bee tee dubs my album drops on April 20."
Where was THAT, Chris Brown?
Plus, there is no place for outbursts that early in the morning. There just isn't.
STRIKE THREE. [March 2012]
First of all, the headline of this article reads: "Brown Probe Nears End."
I think there's probably an immature joke in there somewhere, I'm just not sure what it is yet.
Second of all, really, Chris Brown? You're so angry that you're a celebrity that you have to snatch innocent non-paparazzi's phones just for trying to take a picture of you?
I mean, really.
If you want to be famous, you have to deal with people looking at you all the time and knowing when you beat people up. You just do. You can't be all like "UGH I'M SO FAMOUS I WISH PEOPLE WOULD JUST FORGET ABOUT THAT TIME I BEAT UP SOMEONE ELSE FAMOUS AND NEVER TAKE PICTURES OF ME OR MAKE ME SING ANYTHING REAL BUT STILL LET ME BE ON THE RADIO AND MAKE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. UGH."
AMERICA: Why do we keep letting him do stuff? At what point can we just take a vote and excommunicate him from the pop culture community, along with Spencer Pratt and Kristen Stewart? He is the worst.
Am I alone here?
What's your vote: keep him or kick him to the curb?