My Experience with Every Speech-Automated Menu Ever

Robot Lady: Thank you for calling [insert company here] customer service. In order to assist you better, please state your account number. Me: Five Zero Two Six Six Z Five H One Four Four X Nine Zero W C Zero Eight Zero Dash Two.

Robot: Okay. Five. Ze-ro. Two. Six. Six. Zee. Five. Aych. One. Four. Four. Ex. Nine. Ze-ro. Double-you. See. Ze-ro...


Robot: ...Eight. Ze-ro. Dash. Two. Is this correct? Just say, "yes," or "no."

Me: YES.

Robot: Ok, thanks. It looks like you are Lor-ah. Mc-Clell-an. Is this correct? Just say "Yes" or "no."

Me: YES.

Robot: Ok, What can I help you with today? I can give you information about your account, do something you don't want to do, do something you don't understand why anyone would ever do, or do something else. So, to recap, just say "account," "something I don't want," "Something I don't understand" or "Something else." ..."Account," "Don't want," "Don't Understand," "Something else." Got it? Ok, go.

Me: [stunned silence at the length of these options] Something else.

Robot: Thanks. You chose "something else," is that correct?

Me: YES.

Robot: Okay, would you like to: punch me in the face, throw me off a bridge, or speak with a representative? Just say, "face," "bridge," or "representative."

Me: [sigh] representative.

Robot: Sorry, didn't catch that. Say, "face," "bridge," or "representative."


Robot: Sorry, I still didn't understand. Let me transfer you to a representative.


Robot: Sorry, I didn't catch that. Let me transfer you to a representative.

Me: [silence for fear of messing up my chance to talk to a real person]

Robot: "WE BUILT THIS CITY! [static noise] WE BUILT THIS CITY ON roesshhwiajfh [unintelligible noises] hhhosssagsa ...THIS CITY! WE BUILT THIS---"

Representative: Hellomynameisriverawhatisyouraccountnumberplease?


[end scene]

Just let me punch in numbers, okay? I really, really don't mind. Thanks.

What is the worst automated customer service call you've ever endured?