Disturbing Headline OTD: Movie Ninjas


I hate hearing people text or burp or kick my seat during a movie as much as the next person, but I think assembling a task force clad head-to-toe in black spandex is taking it a little too far, wouldn't you agree?

Allow me to explain what I mean, and then you can decide.

Those crazy Brits are at it again. I know I don't understand British humor, and I definitely didn't understand the opening ceremonies this year, but I feel like I'm justified in not understanding this.

They have managed to take something that sounds awesome and make it absolutely terrifying: movie ninjas.

Apparently one London movie theater, whose owners evidently care more about being noticed than maintaining a loyal customer base...or any self-respect, agreed to let crazies in black body suits roam theaters amongst innocent patrons trying to enjoy Finding Nemo in 3D--just searching for people to silence, eclipsing any whispering mouths with their pitch-colored mitts.

Of course, that's probably not an precisely accurate description, but precisely accurate is boring, am I right?

I can see this turning into a terrifying nursery rhyme to scare children into submission in about 2.7 seconds.

"Movies are such fun fun fun, but close your mouth and hush your tongue. For in the shadows Movie Ninja lurks, waiting to pounce on little jerks."

Or something like that. It's a work in progress.

Anyway, I have several concerns.

1) Being snuck up on by lycra puppet-people would cause more of a disturbance in my book than whispering "who's that?" to the person next to you. ["I don't know either, I've been watching it the same amount of time as you," would be the response, by the way, from any self-respecting husband who's ever seen a movie with their wife. Sorry, guys.]

If it were me, I'd jump out of my chair and spill my smuggled Diet Coke all over the person next to me, surely knocking the popcorn out of their hands I'd been eyeing for 25 minutes but NOT stealing any of. That, my friends, is a scene. A sticky, buttery one. And do you know who would have to clean it up? The 20-year-old surly theater employee with the little non-electric vacuum contraption.* Which brings me to my next concern:

2) An all out gang-war between surly theater employees and wacky ninja silencers. Here the theater employees are, having worked there for WEEKS already, cleaning up unidentified sticky mess off floors, being forced to offer pizza and drink upcharges to people that are not remotely interested, wearing burgundy vests in front of all their friends...haven't they been through enough?

When in walks these crazy kids in an overgrown textbook cover from 2002, scaring patrons and trying to lightheartedly (while simultaneously creepily) keep the peace, making messes and leaving.

I think these are grounds for some stakeouts in the back parking lot. Nothing too violent, of course. Something more along the lines of West Side Story than like...the Dillon Panthers and that team with the psycho coach who hit Riggins.

3) Easy possibility for impostors to sneak in and rob and/or harm people. I feel like this is a no-brainer. How do you tell the real fun-loving movie ninjas from real-life sketchballs in bodysuits? How do I know they're really just telling me to be quiet and not trying to smother me and take my money? I think if we're going to do this, the real-live movie ninjas should have to wear identification, even though it takes away their ninja street cred. If they're going to serve society, they've got to be ok with losing some street cred.

*I have never quite understood how these work. They have no suction, right? They have no batteries or electricity to power them. HOW do they trap food and not just roll overtop of it? Explanations welcome.

What is your least favorite movie annoyance? Sub question: What would you want movie ninjas to do about it?