Nicki Minaj vs. Mariah Carey: It's already happening.

In today's not-shocking news, Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey have already managed to have a tiff during American Idol auditions. Apparently Nicki Minaj cussed Mariah out over who knows what. The video (below) is pretty unintelligible, but it's strategically bleeped out so at least you can tell where all the REALLY bad words were said.

Honestly, I ask you, did we not all see this coming?

When you scrape the bottom of the class barrel for judges and come out with Nicki and Mariah, you've got to know what you're getting into. It was only a matter of time.`

You can't let a wild boar loose in a YMCA (which is the organizational equivalent of American Idol, right?) and expect it to behave like a teacup pig just because there are kids around. I mean, come on guys. This is Nicki Minaj we're talking about, and Mariah Carey, whose ego likely matches the size of her vocal range. She's not going to just sit there and take Nicki Minaj's particularly loud brand of sass.

As a side note-- when judges fight, it's about 100 different kinds of awkward. It's kind of like the dinner party episode of The Office where Jan and Michael can't get it together and everyone just has to watch it go down while they try in vain to cover it up and act like everything's fine. I just want to leave the room until they've had time to cool down. I feel like contestants should be allowed to do that.

All I can say is, poor Keith Urban. Poor, poor Keith Urban.

I warned you about this, Keith. I questioned your judgment (ironically, since you are going to be a judge) on this career decision as soon as I found out about it. I also found out from a reliable source (a.k.a. my friend Nick--shout out!) that he is getting paid significantly less than the other three.

WHAT IS YOUR ANGLE HERE, KEITH? Seriously. You are better than this.

You shouldn't have to be the proverbial designated driver here. You've got Seacrest for that, should it come down to it and you need a mediator. You shouldn't be forced to sit in between two women with vastly inflated senses of self arguing about whether or not a 16 year old can sing on pitch. No one should.

Now's the time when I ask you a very important question: who do you think would win in a fight between Nicki and Mariah?

I think Nicki, but probably just because she's not afraid to tear someone apart and/or sit on them with her large booty. But Mariah does have twins and a Nick Cannon to fight for.