Not-so-obvious Ramifications of the Bieber/Gomez Split

Editor's note: After tweeting a cathartic complaint about a lack of things to write about for today's post, I received three separate suggestions to write about the recent Bieber/Gomez trip to Splitsville, USA. So I thought to myself, three people can't be wrong. So this is what I wrote about. What can I say? I give the people what they want. It's probably no secret that I adore both Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber as individuals. At least with the Biebs. Selena you may be a little surprised by, since I talk about her about 67 percent less than I talk about Justin Bieber on my blog. But really, I talk about most things 67 percent less than I talk about Justin Bieber on my blog. So maybe you are not so surprised. Moving on.

Though I wasn't super invested in their relationship, I'm bummed they couldn't make it work.

Not so much for Selena's sake. She'll bounce back and date some sophisticated actor or something because she's classy and enjoyable and now 20 years old. (Spoiler Alert: I want to be her friend.)

But ol' Biebs, I'm worried for him. He was in a long-term relationship with a girl who is awesome and scandal-free (as of the time this post was written). People reports they've been together since February 2011, and that's just the "official" beginning. They were supposedly dating "quietly" before then.

That's almost two years, you guys. In teenage years, that's like a 27-year relationship. In teenage celebrity years you might as well be that couple from Up.

I just don't know if he's ready for the responsibility of turning down mean-looking models who are only famous because they date real celebrities just yet.

I mean, there's no telling what kind of menagerie of scantily-clad jokers are going to parade themselves before him.

I don't think his trusting 18-year-old heart is going to be an asset in this situation. Next thing you know we're seeing him bounce from iffy pop star to iffy pop star, spiraling downward into a sea of tabloids. And I just don't want that for him. And I don't want his sweet grandparents who helped raise him to have to live to see that kind of nonsense from their grandson.*

The other terrifying principle in this scenario is that rumbling in the distance you're hearing--the sound of a herd of rabid teenage girls barreling towards that hoodie-wearing crooner like it's 1996 and they're a mom looking for the last Tickle Me Elmo on Christmas Eve. (That stuff got real, right?)

It was bad enough when Selena was in the picture--that sweet girl having to endure threats from obsessed, insecure 14-year-olds who in reality could do nothing but sit behind a screen and type bad words underneath YouTube videos. But now all bets are off. It's like the Hunger Games only Justin is the getting-to-not-die and instead of weapons they're using cyber bullying tactics.

I'm just saying, Kenny better be on his A-game.**

Are you worried for the Biebs' safety? Who do you think he should date next?

*For reference, please see Never Say Never. Really. Go watch it right now. You can borrow it from me, because I own it. **Yes, I know his bodyguard's name, too, okay? Did you really not see Never Say Never?