Apparently Chris Brown and Rihanna are causing QUITE the stir via Instagram lately. And as everyone knows, an Instagram is worth 1,000 words. Or at least a few misguided assumptions. Or beat poetry. As if Chris Brown wasn't the worst already (rivaled only by America's favorite trainwreck Lindsay Lohan), this is his latest escapade:
First, he lands himself in a Twitter feud (something I'm still only 1 percent convinced is a legitimate term) with some comedian lady and is just SO offended by the whole thing that he straight up quits Twitter altogether.
He then makes his return to social media with A VENGEANCE.
How, you ask? By posting controversial pictures of him and Rihanna on Instagram…together.
SCANDAL. INTRIGUE. ICK-FACTOR.
Everything a good publicity stunt needs.
In case you might feel uncomfortable seeing Rihanna wearing underwear paired with an oversized camo jacket while Chris Brown smokes nonchalantly in the foreground, I present you with an artist rendering of the most recent photo (by yours truly):
The "we don't care what nunna y'all think!" look on their faces says it all, doesn't it?
(Full disclosure, if it provides any context for you, I watch Disney movies almost exclusively and the actual image didn't scar me for life. So you can probably handle it. But this is a family blog, right? Can't take any chances.)
I want to know who is TAKING these pictures. These are no myspace mirror shots, my friend. These are full-frame, planned, two-person shots with nary an arm jetting out of the frame in sight.
First of all, gross.
Second of all, would that not be the most awkward experience on the planet?
"Um, yeah, so just…look seductively at the iPhone…yup, that's fine I guess…and Chris, well, just…yep, that's douchey enough. Just keep doin' what you're doin'. Hold that pose…"
My hope is that this is all just performance art and everything that has happened with these two since approximately 2008 has all been a joke. All part of the master plan.
I don't think Chris is capable of that kind of strategic thinking, but Rihanna has to know what she's doing, right? Why else would she be putting up with this nonsense?
I think we've waited a respectable amount of time before sending in the professionals, but it's time to get Oprah in there and talk some sense into these yahoos. You know she's got opinions, right? Let her loose.
If she's busy, call Ellen. She always asks the hard questions. Maybe they'd all dance together to Crazy In Love and have a moment of clarity about where their lives are headed. Maybe they'd play a game where they had to carry balloons between their chin and their chest. I don't know; I'm not the expert mediator slash child-star-maker here. I can't do all the work.
Oh, and by the way, in the name of closure, Chris has restored his Twitter account. Which makes the hiatus about 36 seconds long. So if you were upset that you might not ever get the chance to feud with him publicly in 140-character-long arguments, never fear. That hope has been renewed.
If you could tell Rihanna (or Chris Brown) anything in light of this situation, what would it be? Who do you think would make a better mediator: Oprah or Ellen?