The Stain of Former Relationships Left on Celebrity Kids

Photobucket The unfortunate thing for celebrity kids is that they usually take the last name of whoever their father is.

Wait...let me explain.

I know that's how every kid ever does it, because that's just the way it works, but I maintain it's particularly problematic for celebrities and their offspring.

Since we all know celebrity relationships aren't as....reliable as the average relationship we end up with this problem in which kids are just walking around emblazoned with the last name of some actor the mom dated in the 90's even though this is 2013 and their mom is on their third marriage by now. I mean I guess this could happen in normal relationships, too, but something about the highly-publicized nature of the relationships (past or current) makes this whole situation weird to me.

For example, Reese Witherspoon is walking around with two Phillipes trailing behind her to yoga and froyo places and movie sets. If she hadn't had kids with him, no one would remember that guy Reese Witherspoon dated because she is approximately 30 times more awesome than him. But unfortunately there they stand, reminding the public at large she was once married to the guy from I Know What You Did Last Summer.

"There's Reese Witherspoon with her Kids, Ava and Deacon Phillippe..." Really?

Normally to remedy this, I would just suggest having kids with your spouse and sticking with them, but we all know celebrities don't observe any sort of trite institutions like "marriage" in the same way we might. Consider who we're dealing with here--the bar is lowered significantly.

So I think once you reach a certain level of celebrity it might be advisable to start automatically giving the kids the last name of the mom. Or whoever they're going to be featured with on US Weekly's "Stars: They're Just Like Us!" I'm not sexist.

This is especially important when one parent is considerably more famous than the other.

I'm just saying, those kids are Witherspoons, you know? They're blonde, they're pretty, and they're A-listers (according to Suri Cruise). They don't want to be associated with Ryan Phillippe any more than Reese does. They shouldn't have to suffer for their dad's washed-up 90's fame.

Typically it's clear in most celebrity relationships who the "reacher" and who the "settler"* is in terms of famousness--especially if they have kids together. And it's not fair to label a kid with the reputation of a lame celebrity dad if the aforementioned dad is already out of the picture.

Exhibit B: J.Lo and Marc Anthony. No longer together but they have two kids. Obviously the twins should keep the last name Anthony. LOLOL jay kay. Are we really going to let those kids walk around as boring Anthonies for the rest of their lives when they have J.LO as a mom? Absolutely not. Lopezes all the way.

Exhibit C: Mariah and Nick Cannon--those kids have got to be Careys, through and through, if they want to maintain any sort of dignity. Mariah and Nick are actually still together, but it's probably just because Nick can't afford rent on a one-bedroom apartment on his own and maybe he brings her breakfast in bed or something. If Mariah ever kicks him to the curb, those kids will be Careys before you have time to say [high-pitched run at the beginning of "Fantasy"].

All this to say, I think I'm on to something here. Celebrity children shouldn't have to be walking reminders of rando B-listers. For what they put up with, they deserve more than that. It's really all about the children, you guys.

And us. It's also about us.

We don't want to have to deal with that either. We shouldn't have to wrack our brains trying to remember where they got that last name. We're too busy watching GIFs of people falling down and putting Mean Girls quotes over scenes from Les Mis to have time for that. (But seriously look at that Les Mean Girls site. It's the greatest.)

Who's your favorite celebrity kid? (And should they change their last name?)

*See How I Met Your Mother for explanation.