I know. Just...don't look directly at it.
First of all I would like to apologize to everyone who relies on my accurate and comprehensive recaps of the greatest show starring dancing comedians ever to be on TV for missing last weeks DWTS recap.
Somehow, I'm sure you carried on, but I apologize just the same.
Apparently Gleb and Housewife went home last week. Poor Gleb. Don't let this get you down, buddy. Go forth and teach other reality show "stars" how to quick-step. I'm sure it will be 100 percent worth it.
Anyway, let's get to EPISODE 5 which is the half-way point apparently so things are getting REAL. At least that's what they insisted on telling me throughout this episode.
This week is particularly cutthroat because it features LEN'S SIDE BY SIDE CHALLENGE (challenge...challenge...)! I don't know why he gets his own challenge or if he actually came up with this idea but apparently the deal is they have to dance next to professionals.
The intro begins and all the professionals are dancing in some sort of party bus scenario and then they pan to the audience and some more dancers are doing like a strip show essentially and ALL of this is happening to a Pitbull song. I mean I'm not 100 percent sure it was a Pitbull song but it made me feel just as terrible as a Pitbull song does regardless so does it really matter?
Here come the non-professionals...D.L. is thrusting again (is he really still here?), Sean is terrible as per us' but at least he tries and Aly is doing flips because she CAN, suckas. And NOOOOOO Andy is thrusting now, why is there so much thrusting in this show? I think it's the only "move" half of the guys competing can do.
Now it's the part of the show where Len is featured in a prerecorded explanation of his SIDE BY SIDE CHALLENGE EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA. It's pretty much the trippiest thing I've ever seen and is not well executed at all but basically he's floating in front of a nondescript black backround and there are TWO of him which is necessary to explain the SIDE BY SIDE CHALLENGE. He does a hip swivel with himself and it's the worst explanation ever. Also he looks like he fell asleep in a tanning booth for like 75 years.
Someone isn't wearing pants for some reason and then it's commercial time and Penelope Cruz is still pushing the NETHPRETHO thing really hard.
Inigo Montoya goes first.
Apparently he was good last week. That's all you need to know from that episode.
He is assigned the chacha which makes him hulk out during rehearsal and become nothing more than an angry thruster (again with the thrusting), which I don't think is really going to help him.
His partner tells him this is easy and synchronized and then demonstrates and YEAH that's totally easy KATRINA. Why didn't Inigo just do that before? THANKS FOR THE TIP.
Fortunately Inigo and the guy in the other professional couple (whom they will be dancing alongside in the SIDE BY SIDE CHALLENNNGGEEE) are wearing matching fedoras so I think that will help.
Inigo's goal this week is to skate by unnoticed and just make it to next week. Way to reach for the stars, Inigo. Good thing he's going first because by the time two hours of haphazard dancing goes by I've already forgotten everyone but Zendaya anyway.
OH GOSH they are dancing to Lady Marmalade. The band's track record suggests this is going to be a trainwreck of a performance.
Everyone's dressed like strippers and Inigo is not good at high kicks. But the good news is he DID practice his thrusting so it looks less angry.
And oh em gee the songs are TWICE as long this week what is even happening? I thought the show would be shorter with less dancers, but silly me, that would actually minimize the pain of watching this atrocity and we know that's not how they roll.
Girl judge says the pelvic thrusts were a hit but he needs to work on "below the belt."
This sends everyone into a tizzy and the host isn't even paying attention and his explanation after getting caught was that he's doing another show in his head. So am I, host guy. So am I.
They say "below the belt" approximately 800 times and everyone giggles because apparently we're in 2nd grade.
JACOBY JONES, y'all.
Apparently he did a foxtrot for his son last week that people liked and OH EM GEE his baby son is the cutest ever.
He has to do the jive which he insists is the same as "The Skip" in New Orleans which infuriates his partner because it is NOT the same at all.
"I can't move my s*** like that; I am a MAN."
I just love this guy.
He likes the guy in their partner couple because he "looks like he play defensive end and he can dance" so I guess that's good.
They start in some kind of sketchy graffiti'd alleyway playing cards and I'm really getting tired of the performance art. I mean is any of this necessary? I very much don't need a setup to every dance. Like I couldn't need it any less.
The profesh dancer couple's lady is all up in the camera flicking her butt and I feel slightly violated. Jacoby looks like he's doing the bow-legged chicken dance just as well as the profesh guy, so as far as I'm concerned, 10!
He does look like he's having fun and not taking this nonsense so seriously, which I enjoy. SHOOT DANG he did the splits you guys. AND he legit JUMPED over his partner's head.
I don't know anything about dance, but that was awesome. Give him 10's and let's all go home.
Again the dance is about 36 minutes longer than it should be and I'm bored.
It finally ends and spanish judge says it was like "watching two s-TALLIONS at the height of their power fighting for dominance" or something like that. Why does everything he says have to be sexual? TONE IT DOWN, BRUNO. (Yes, I learned his name this week!)
They all tell him to point his feet and british judge basically tells girl judge to stop talking because it's like she's giving the Gettysburg Address over there but like he would even know what that is because he's BRITISH.
Len says Jacoby will never get a 9 out of him without pointing his feet but WHATEV Len, stop being a stick in the mud. HE JUMPED OVER HIS PARTNER'S HEAD AND DID THE SPLITS. Gah. If I ran this show it would be so different.
I guess they butchered their dance and were in the bottom 2 again last week so this one has to be good, but I want to know who is putting Andy Dick and D.L. Hughley ahead of Victor the adorable boxer? What is wrong with people? Do I have to start VOTING now? Ugh. As if I don't invest in this show enough already.
"Are you doing the dance right now?" -Victor "Yeah." - Partner "Oh, I thought you were just...prancing around." - Victor.
He is just great.
Turns out Victor was distracted in rehearsal because his girfriend of a year cheated on him and he found out during practice. NOOO poor sweet Victor! There, there. Come hug it out. It's ok. DANCE the pain away.
They do the waltz and start out posing amid scary mannequins and SERIOUSLY with the performance art?
I dunno, waltzes are pretty and they look the same to me so high five.
Enter saxophone solo (!!) and the dance is again far too long. Verse 2 is always the worst because you realize it's only halfway over.
Still no idea why the mannequins are there. Do you think they're just running out of ideas? I mean at least the other nonsense setups had something to do with the style of dance.
Girl Judge says there was fluidity which was good but his feet came off the floor in some of the "lifty-wiftys" which just reminds me of Dr. Who and makes me happy.
Len legit tells her to go home because there was no INTENT to lift his feet so apparently it doesn't count. Spanish judge interrupts everyone just to agree with them so I'm not sure why it was necessary.
Side note: I just realized everyone has already changed from their intro outfits. When did that happen and wasn't that a waste of some perfectly good neon bow ties?
Host guy: "We're back and I'm on my mark for a change."
Y'know, sometimes it's just better to maintain the 4th wall.
MAN she got to do flips last week and danced to "Titanium." She got 9's and I am totally googling her performance during the commercial break.
And she's at the top of the leaderboard?? Noooo, Zendaya, what happened? Man, I tell ya, you miss one week...
The girl professional tries to teach Aly how to be sexy and flip her hair and whatnot and Aly says it's nice to have a girl to teach her but Mark is a good girl too and is good at being sassy. So he's got that going for him.
Side note: It is becoming increasingly clear that I would be terrible at this. Absolutely terrible.
I think she got flustered during the dance when she was whipping her hair back & forth and it's starting to look off-beat to me but what do I know.
Really the standout nerve-grater here is that the singer is singing the wrong cadence and melody for "Misery" by Maroon 5 and it's driving me insane.
Len says her bottom is the tops, whatever that means.
Bruno gets even more hot and bothered than usual and this is what he chooses to say:
"Ohhhh missy missy I had no idea you could be SASSY and SAUCY! Whip it! Because you're worth it!" I think he's just throwing out slogans at this point.
Carrie says she thinks it's good that Aly brought out her little sex kitten and NO. Stop that. She is an Olympian, not Ke$ha. Get out of here with that.
COMING UP: Y'all I think the wasp face might come out. Kellie is making partner guy angry! And you won't like it when he's angry. (See what I did there?)
COMMERCIAL SIDE NOTE: GATSBY TRAILER OMG. Shining moment in this two hours of terribleness.
Last week Sean evidently danced like a caveman or something but WHO EVEN CARES because he ended it by kissing Catherine and I just miss them. Can we get them their own reality show already? Newlyweds Part Deux. And this time no one will ask if tuna is chicken or fish. Probably.
This week he has to do the quickstep which I already knew because he tweeted about how hard it was and that makes me slightly nervous for him.
SIDE NOTE: Are off-shoulder tops like a thing for dancers? I mean you'd think they'd just get in the way of all the grand arm gestures but I guess it's a small price to pay for 80's fashion. Come to think of it, are dancers perpetually stuck in the 80's? They wear a lot of neon and legwarmers. I'm asking.
Sean tries to copy Tristan (the profesh dancer)'s every move and decides to do so by wearing the exact outfit as him. He comes out wearing a neon pink shirt like it's a gag but we all know he had that in his closet due to the omnipresence of neon in the Bachelor. Or he stole it from his dad (LOL remember that?).
I think he did well! He looks terrified behind his perma-smile which makes me nervous because I just like him so much and want him to dance pretty.
"SHOWN! WHAT EES GOINK OWN?" proclaims Bruno. Until now, he says, Sean has been a lumberjack, but now he is a swan, which I feel is a bit of a reach but whatever.
Girl judge is all flustered and doesn't say anything of note.
British judge says last week he was a statue and this week he is a pigeon, which aren't really opposites, and is definitely worse than a swan, so I'm not sure really what his angle was with that. Neither is the audience apparently beacause everyone thinks this is HILARIOUS.
Especially Bruno who is still laughing 6 minutes later. I seriously do not get anyone on this show.
Sean says that Tristan is not only a beautiful dancer but a beautiful man and I just really want to go on a double date with Seathrine.
They get 8's and Sean's partner almost kisses his hand and I'm about to lunge at the TV on behalf of Catherine. Get that girl out here and let her beat up Meredith from the Lindsay Lohan Parent Trap (which I'm convinced is Sean's partner's true identity).
They're on a legit golf cart on the dance floor and I'm wondering how much work it was for the PAs to set that up just for this one preview moment.
They have to do a foxtrot and her partner is nervous, to which Kellie responds: "If yo-er ner-vus, 'Ahm gunna hay-uve a ner-vus break-DAY-own!"
Ugh. I'm sure she's smarter than she sounds. I mean, she HAS to be, right?
This dance, by the way, is Kellie's first BALLROOM DANCE, which I just learned is not ALL of these dances.
Her partner hulks out on her for messing up a dance move and I'm a little nervous he's going to abuse her but it's cool you guys the wasp face is back in the holster.
I think her problem is really that she set the bar too high too early. Wynnona would have never gotten the wasp face.
On to the dance! These are the only costumes that have made sense so far in context of the dance and the music. Kellie's wig is looking a little cray but she dances as well as the other girl as far as I can tell.
They do this weird wobble-back-and-forth-like-you're-made-of-plastic move and she's good and the dance is too long again.
Girl Judge can't believe it was Kellie's FIRST ballroom. Because apparently that's how all the cool kids say it. Just "ballroom."
What is NOT how the cool kids say it? "putting the 'ooo' in 'smooth'," which is what Len said.
"Thaynk yew, Le-uhn!" - Kellie
Spanish judge apparently thinks this dance was fitting of Great Gatsby and Baz Lurhman would be impressed but how dare he suggest that Kellie Pickler could come anywhere near that movie.
"Dang, y'all, that Gats-bay sure is straynge."
In the post-dance interview she actually references her wig which I feel like is against protocol for that sort of thing. Aren't you supposed to just act like it's your real hair even if everyone knows it's totally not? Anyway, she says she was afraid it was going to fly off.
Her partner does a Kellie impression which I think was pretty spot on. Apparently when he gets all wasp-y, she goes "I don't hate yew, but I hate your way-s right nay-ow."
I'll allow it.
She gets 9's. I mean honestly have they ever given out a 10 on this show?
PREVIEW: Zendaya is wearing a pretty dress and fencing DL and Andy. She stabs DL and no one's mad about it.
COMMERCIAL NOTE: Jennifer Hudson is all over my TV singing "I GOT THE POW-UH!" in yellow pants and I just can't handle it anymore. J Hud (Are all Jennifer's allowed to be called J - [first syllable]?)...I like you and all but this has got to stop. You're losing my respect one lip-synched "woo!" at a time.
Back from commercial and it's D.L. Hughley's turn.
Ugh. Last week he humped the judges' table. So unnecessary. He thrusts more than anyone else on this show, and that's saying something. But he got 7s so hooray for sympathy votes.
Basically his partner is creeped out by him and tries unsuccessfully to teach him the tango.
The dance begins with everyone behind paper creating silhouettes and while the profesh couple is dancing I'm starting to feel uncomfortable watching Cheryl & DL's silhouettes together. OH SNAP Y'ALL he ripped the paper and busted out of there like a quarterback.
What if that had failed? I'm just saying it could have. He IS the worst, after all.
In D.L.'s defense there wasn't much hope for him looking identical to a skinny European dancer guy named Sasha. (real name)
Even I can tell D.L.'s feet are not doing what they're supposed to be doing. He's just kind of stomping along and people are clapping to the song for some reason.
I stopped paying attention because I looked at Tweetbot for like one second and ended up camping out there for a minute or two, but spanish guy called it a brave attempt and girl judge said the lack of technique was evident.
Len said they just didn't look identical and D.L. asks if it was the hair that gave it away. Touche, D.L. Touche. If you can't beat 'em, make terrible jokes.
NEXT WEEK PLUG: Oh gosh. It's all Stevie Wonder songs. And he has to be there. RUN AWAY, STEVIE. JUST RUN AWAY. At least he won't have to actually watch them dance. I hope for his sake he is the one singing his songs because this band will butcher them 9 ways to Sunday, whatever that means.
DL gets 6's (sad trombone).
Aw man last week she danced to Love on Top by Beyonce and that song is my jam but OH NO this person should never be allowed to even touch Beyonce songs so I'm kind of glad I missed it.
Her partner admits he has never danced this genre before. GREAT news.
Again, her nails are dangerous. They are neon and they are about 6 inches long and I don't understand why her partner hasn't insisted that she remove them yet. They are dangerously close to his cornea.
The setup to this dance is that the royal jewels are MISSING you guys and we know that because there is a fake newspaper that tells us so. But OH NO Zendaya has them! What's going to happen?
Thank goodness this song is instrumental.
Profesh girl does all these fancy tricks to start off which I think is kind of a jerk move but whatever. Zendaya has to use the jewels as a prop for some reason, which I also think is just something unnecessary she has to keep up with during her dance. I mean doesn't she have enough to worry about without having to pass off a bangle between her and another girl and then put it on without dropping it onto the dance floor and tripping everyone up and creating a pile-up and the worst celebrity dancing accident in history? I'm just saying, it could have happened.
Anyway she does a really cool lift thingy and was awesome as usual.
We get our usual dose of crazy from Bruno: "CATCH ME IF YOU CAN! TAKE ME IF YOU DARE! THE ULTIMATE FEMME FATALE!"
Seriously can someone please taze him?
Len says it was like a lemon tart.
Next week's promo again, this time with neon letters on a SPACE backround. Was this made in powerpoint with wordart?
OH SNAP SHE GOT 10's, y'all. This is UNPRECEDENTED (so far this season).
Man, I thought we were done but Andy Dick still has to go. They really should never save him for last. People are going to start turning off their TV's. The best sketches go before Weekend Update for a reason.
Andy Dick Noooo whyyyy there are ANDY PUPPETS.
"I don't think any comedians have made it this far!"
The profesh male dancer walks in with the deepest V I've ever seen, and I live in Nashville. I mean it seriously doesn't count as wearing a shirt.
"When you think of pasa doble, you don't think of Andy Dick...but you WILL."
Sure, Andy. All those times I think about pasa doble during the day, your name will definitely come to mind.
Why must they insist on acting out scenes before every dance? Oh, p.s., male dancer is wearing a glorified Deep V.
ANDY SWINGS IN ON A ZIP LINE DRESSED LIKE ZORRO.
I have nothing to add to that.
He whips around a shiny cape a lot, that's about it.
Everyone basically just tells him it wasn't good but he's FUN.
RESULTS: D.L. Hughley and Cheryl Burke go home. (Wah wah wah...No one's surprised.)
Who was your favorite? Are you as tired of Andy Dick as I am at this point? Do you support a Sean & Catherine reality show? I'm just saying let's talk about it.