This is an original poem centered entirely around how much I loathe the new Miley Cyrus song and video (above).
How do I hate thee, Miley video? Let me count the ways. I hate your misleading scenes slicing off fake fingers, and "hey, Just for kicks, let's bleed pink Gak!" Oh, you don't remember Gak? That's because you were two years old. Billy Ray was still partyin' in the back.
I hate the way you shake your badonk and writhe in see-through clothes. I hate the way you lick the air like anything raunchy goes.
I hate the dancing teddy bears. I hate that you clutch others' butts. You used to be Hannah Montana. Now you just have ridiculous haircuts.
I hate your obvious drug references and invoking of God's name. I know you think he's not judging you, but I'm pretty sure this is fair game.
I hate that you chose to let people shoot smoke out of a hose held in their crotches. I hate that you can't keep your gum in your mouth and really, your face, to be honest.
I hate that you brought bread into this. What did it ever do to you? Why did you make money sandwiches and hoard piles of the slices too?
I hate the product placement for those round chapsticks. I especially hate all the tongues. I hate the creepy floating mask. I wish this had never been sung.
I hate that you idolize strip clubs. Don't you know they degrade women? I hate that you think you're a thug. Don't you dare think about putting a grill in.
I hate that this video got so many views, And of those I was at least three. I hate that I don't know what twerking is Or why you insist on making it your thing.
So count me as one of your haters. See if I even care. Because I hate this song with all my heart. ...I'm gonna go listen to "Party in the USA" again and pretend this never happened.
What is your least favorite part of this obnoxious crazy parade?