10 Questions I Have About a Pretentious Rich Guy's Diet

My friend sent me an article from Buzzfeed this week called "The 24 Most Pretentious Things Ever." Isn't Buzzfeed the greatest? I think it might be the best thing to come out of the Internet so far. It doesn't make me any less jealous of the people that get to assemble silly pictures and call them articles and themselves freelance writers but WHATEVER.

The whole list is pretty great, but one in particular gave me pause. This guy's diet:

buzzfeed pretentious eating habit

Upon reading this, I immediately began to doubt my grasp of the English language. I like to think I'm pretty okay at it, considering I enjoy writing and hate poor grammar, but this thing left me reeling.

Here are a few questions and concerns I have after reading this:

  1. What are "activated" almonds? Here I am eating dumb ol' regular almonds like a commoner when I could be eating activated almonds. They probably like boost your white blood cell count or give you the ability to fly, and I'm just sitting here chomping down on my sad, pathetic, lazy almonds. Why did no one tell me about this sooner?
  2. Where does one acquire emu meatballs? Does your town have to have a local emu farmer who has a partnership with a local butcher in order to make this happen? Do you pick out your own emu to slaughter? Are we sure emus don't have feelings? If they do can we start calling them emos instead? Can we make them listen to Hawthorne Heights and put their wallets on chains? I think I've gotten off track, here. The real question is, do they taste like chicken? And if so, isn't chicken cheaper and comes with less judgement? Moving on.
  3. I don't know about you, but anything besides red Twizzlers on the licorice scale is the worst. So I'm assuming licorice tea would also be the worst. I'm not a tea connoisseur, but I feel like there has to be a better option out there.
  4. Veggies are spelled with two g's. Obviously they don't have spelling classes in Pretentious Rich Person Chef School.
  5. What are spirulina and maca? I literally have no idea what those are, and Evernote is underlining both words with a red line, which means even IT doesn't know what those are. Get out of here with that. Good rule of thumb: if the word you're using is literally not in the dictionary, you're being too pretentious.
  6. Good on you for eating cultured vegetables, because I for one would never want to eat a vegetable that didn't know the tenets of Buddhism or had never seen a real Van Gogh.
  7. Cacao nibs are just a 100% more terrible version of chocolate.
  8. Alkalised water? Really? REALLY?
  9. Who has liver pate lying around and if you did, why would you choose to put it in your mouth when there are such things as CHEEZ-ITs?
  10. If you are sautéing kale and making fresh fish at lunch time, you need a real job.

What questions do you have about this guy's eating habits? Are there any eating trends you just don't understand?