Kate Middleton's VERY SERIOUS Hairdresser Drama

a_3x-horizontal You guys, we need to talk about something serious.

I don’t know if you’ve heard (I hadn’t), but there are some traumatic things happening in the world of our royals. Well, okay, not our royals. We basically gave them the finger and said “deuces” about 200 years ago. But the royals about whom we decided, out of the goodness of our hearts and propensity for making a big deal out of stuff, to put the painful past of the tyrant King George behind us and adopt as our own.

Are you ready for this? Okay. Kate Middleton is having hairdresser drama.

I know. I KNOW. What did she do to deserve this?

According to this article, her hairdresser, after leaving his salon in 2011 to be her hairdresser and freelance (leaving some bad blood behind, I might add), is now working part-time at Josh Wood Atelier, which I assume is some wannabe salon where washed up royal hairdressers go to finish out their dying careers and lament their social suicide.

He has “not been able to retain his most famous client.”

The article suggests that it might trace back to the “infamous” BANGS that he styled her with. First of all, let’s just calm down a bit. Infamous? Alright. Second of all, they’re probably right. I mean, Kate, you are no Michelle Obama. And it rains in England a lot, right? You are the mother of the 3rd in line for the throne of the 2nd best country in the world,* dang it. You didn’t speak up when he said “Catherine, let’s try some BANGS. Bangs are so hot right now. Michelle Obama got bangs.” That’s on you.

SIDEBAR: I just found out via the internet that Kate is in no way in line for the throne. Y’ALL. Can we just talk about how Prince Harry got bumped to number 4 because of baby George, and THIS girl is number 6 in line (who was born the same year as me)? Let’s hope it never comes to that. (article here)

Screen Shot 2013-12-12 at 7.26.28 AM

UH NO. No ma’am.

Now the question is, who is going to be Kate’s hairdresser? Who’s on the short list for that? Can we have a reality show about it? England’s next top hairdresser? Will Princess Crazy Eyes be there in the audience hoping that somehow the first five in line for the throne drive off a cliff one day? I’m getting off track.

Can we just crowdsource Kate’s hairstyles? I know this is not America we’re talking about, but the people should have a choice in what their in-no-way-potential-ruler looks like when representing them to the world. If they do take votes, can Americans participate as a former colony for old times’ sake? That would totally make up for the whole taxation-without-representation thing right? I’m just saying, think about it, Kate.

But whatever you do, no matter how independent or rebellious or confident you feel, no matter how much you hate getting spit up in your hair (who am I kidding, you have someone to do that for you), do not get a pixie cut. They’re so 2013.

What do you think would be Princess “Crazy Eyes” Beatrice’s first act as queen? I think requiring everyone’s cell phone cases to be bedazzled would probably be pretty high up on the priority list.

*According to Ron Swanson, capitalism and free market is what makes the U.S. the best, England okay and France terrible.