Things I Now Have to Worry About

There has been a lot of disturbing news floating around lately. Things I did not really need to know. Frightening things. In the spirit of catharsis, thought I'd take a minute to get some of my feelings out about them. (I have many. Shocking, I know.) Exploding whales - This is a legitimate news story in which a real live person said that it might be an actual concern that some beached whales could explode. EX. PLODE. Whale guts everywhere. IMAGINE THE SMELL. Burnt whale guts. I'm just saying, I'm right to be fearful of this situation, yes? I mean, okay, I live in a land-locked state. But just the fact that this could happen in real life is enough to cause concern. I do, however, think this would do well as the next Sharknado. Send me a royalty check if you create it.

Falling INTO a potentially-explosive whale - In what scenario am I walking so close to a beached whale that I might just trip and fall in? I’ve just been informed that they may explode. I think I’ll keep my distance. But just for the sake of argument, say I do fall INTO a whale. I’m not sure what I would even do. Gag, probably. But after that. Can I scream for help? Is anyone else close enough by to help me or are they respecting the beached whale’s personal space like a sensible human being? Is there cell service inside a whale? How am I getting out of this situation? If it’s anything like the cartoons (which this scenario totally is), hopefully I’d have a little stick with a white banner tied to it I could pull out of my pocket and wave out the whale’s mouth, and someone would see it and try to pull me out 20 different ways as hilarity ensued. Anyway. Don’t go near beached whales, you guys. They might explode and/or swallow you.

Sinkholes - This is not a recent development, but ever since the Nashville flood in 2010, I have become increasingly aware of the earth’s ability to simply GIVE WAY beneath me, causing me to plummet into a crater. This is not okay. I pay good money to live on this earth, and I will not have it collapsing under my feet. It’s completely unnerving to know I could just be walking down the sidewalk and end up in a 10-foot deep ditch. Though I guess it would be better than a whale’s intestines.

Volcanic islands eating my island. (If I had an island.) - That’s right — islands can now eat other islands. So sleep well tonight, Hawaii. I just think it's a shame that I could work really hard to write the next great American novel and get rich enough to buy my own island and then another island could just come up and eat it before I even get a chance to set up my hammock. Rude.

Goblin sharks - No. Just no. Sharks are frightening enough without having to look like they came out of Tim Burton’s nightmares. And of course this happened in Florida. Can we just make them secede already? Pass around a petition? Sure, it would give us an uneven number of states, but at least we could round off the bottom right corner and be a little more symmetrical. They’re only bringing us down, America.

Test tube meat - First of all, is this not what SPAM is? Second of all, what if the genetic modification somehow goes wrong and it learns to survive on its own? What if it becomes self-aware and starts trying to contribute to society and get a driver's license and stuff? What if the scientists get drunk on power and success and clone the live-meat specimens and assign monitors to them and one goes rogue and starts killing them all like in Orphan Black? I'm just saying maybe there's a better way to use our time, SCIENCE.

Capsizing ferries - Aren’t ferries supposed to be buoyant enough to carry SEVERAL vehicles and only move at like 4 miles an hour? The fact that one capsized does not make me feel great about visiting the Statue of Liberty any time soon.

All that to say, there is a lot of ridiculous things going on around here. I'm going to choose to ignore them all and watch cat videos instead.

What's the scariest and/or craziest news you've heard lately? Are you concerned about sink holes or exploding whales?

Disclaimer: it is entirely possible that my understanding of these news stories from reading the first few paragraphs may include flawed logic or misapplied scientific theories. I would not recommend using this post as a source for your biology or econ final, but I'm also not the boss of you.