This week I am in D.C. for my job, but I watched DWTS anyway. Just for YOU. Marvel at my dedication. …oh, and because the hotel I'm staying at doesn't have HGTV. But no matter! The point is, I watched it, okay?
I missed the first like three minutes but I'm thinking since when I turned it on people were just freestyling to that "funk's on rubber" song I didn't miss much.
Basically it's like a sock hop up in here and host lady's 80's hair is CRAY. I mean I know it's prom night theme this week but let's take down the literality a notch okay?
They pan to the audience and Yvette Nicole Brown is there! Yay! I can hear her now just clapping and saying "that's niceee!"
First up, Aly.
She's going to waltz which involves counting 1-2-3, 1-2-3 instead of 1-2-3-4 and counting music is HARD, ok guys? I judge her a little bit for never having known how to count music before but then again I went to a music school and live in Nashville so I could be a biased jerk.
Aly never went to prom because she had to work her fingers to the bone doing backflips and stuff and we're all sad about it. Her coach tries to teach her how to grope.
Before the commercial break everyone is taking staged prom photos in front of a background of silver streamers and could this show be a little more over the top, please? I'm just still a little fuzzy on what the theme is this week.
Back from commercial and there is literally a person dressed as cupid hanging from the ceiling solely to fling a fake arrow at Aly and her partner to start off the dance. Seriously let's add more unnecessary clues for the audience here, I don't think they're getting this is about LOVE and PROM.
Aly does pretty well and it's boring but she looks pretty in lavender.
British judge is NOT IMPRESSED. The crowd erupts in boos but JUST KIDDING it's April Fools you guys! Oh, British Judge. You slay me. Seriously though kill me now.
Lady Judge tells her to be in character and men judges argue with her and I'm hoping they say April Fools again, but they don't.
SIDE NOTE: Why are we being subjected to seeing old prom photos of the hosts? Like anyone even cares about them. Plus girl host looks exactly the same tonight anyway.
They talk about how you can vote 11 times which I think is just to be obnoxious (why not just 10?) and guy host says "You can vote psychically but that's not as effective."
I wish he would stop going off script.
2. Andy Dick. In the montage we find out he apparently doesn't know his own strength and might just rip her hand off when he dances. His coach chastises him for thinking too much to which his response is,
"I HAVE to think or I'm going to rip your head off!…Accidentally…" Nice save.
He yells some more and she stomps out and then it's the next day and Andy's crying again. Guys I can't tell but do you think this is going to be a recurring theme?
The dance opens with him getting a text message superimposed on the screen about being dumped for not being sexy enough which is totally the reason people usually use when they break up with someone via text.
He does some nipple pistols, a dance move I just trademarked the name for, and rips his shirt off and thrusts a lot and I'm not sure why the audience is whooing so loud but they whoo at everything so whatever.
Spanish judge yells REVENGE OF THE NERD super loud and basically just says it's bad but it was entertaining. Girl judge essentially says good job for trying and gives him a backhanded compliment by complimenting his partner and saying he did a good job keeping up. British Judge calls him a sneeze and also says he feels better having watched him, which is weird because I had the complete opposite experience.
3. Inigo Montoya. Inigo's prom was boring as EXPLETIVE so he's going to recreate his dream prom by riding in on a motorcycle which somehow seems sad to me but whatever.
He calls his partner a slut and complains about being too old for this stuff.
They dance to Another One Bites the Dust and he rips his partner's skirt off. This dance seems a little stripper-y to me due to his black wifebeater and black cargo pants and the aforementioned skirt ripping. Again the band butchers a classic, and Inigo just looks very angry the whole time. Probably because the man with the six fingers killed his father.
It literally ends in flames and I'm wondering if his partner is secretly Olivia Newton John.
Lady Judge tells him to fix his core which to me means nothing. Kind of like when Michael Scott starts talking about how that machine strengthens your whole core…your leg core…your back core…
Spanish judge starts yelling stuff about how that was no way to treat a woman and trying to be funny and I hate him.
COMMERCIAL NOTE: Charles Barkley is just as terrible in this hot dog commercial with Alec Baldwin as he was on SNL, and I assume he had several takes to get it right this time.
Back from commercial and oh em gee it's the 50th anniversary of General Hospital! [ABC PLUG] No one cares. He gets 7s.
Some people in shirts with letters on them that spell out "ROMP?" are on stage now with little to no explanation.
4. Desperate Housewife. She was in the bottom two last week so she resorts to taking pictures of her shirtless partner to put on Twitter and get people to vote for them. She says something about it looking desperate which she fails to realize is literally the name of the show she is famous from so I'm not really sure why this is an issue for her.
Her tiny sad puppy in a t-shirt stares at an iPad twice his size which is supposed to mean he's tweeting the picture for her because he has thousands of followers. Which is actually true. Poor Jiggy. He longs for freedom. You can see it in his eyes. I just want to rip that tshirt off him and release him into the wild.
Anyway they do a waltz to a Whitney Houston song and the band once again murders the song pretty savagely. Like it's so bad I can't even focus. I have no idea if the dance was good.
They show a woman in the crowd who I assume is the housewife's daughter since they look like their plastic surgeon used the same mold for their faces.
Spanish judge says it was like she was empress Josephine wafting around blah blah blah is he seriously still talking? But let's not get too carried away, it wasn't THAT good, he says, and people boo.
Gleb talks about how he "got a few marriages proposals." Aw. Poor Gleb. He tries. He does have abs though I guess so he has that going for him. But not his name. Definitely doesn't have that going for him.
They get 7's and the host makes a joke about how easy it is to use Twitter because Jiggy can do it without opposable thumbs. Someone needs to tell this guy comedy isn't for everyone.
5. Kellie Pickler. Kellie inexplicably puts a pickle in a punch bowl in the setup to her montage. I don't know what it means but I assume it was meant to be suggestive.
Kellie calls the jive a "jav" and talks a lot about her partner's wasp face. She pushes the wasp face thing really hard and then it's time to dance.
She's great of course and real talk: I kind of love her dress. She does some splits and some shimmies and unfortunately they are dancing to Footloose which now reminds me of Chase Freedom cards so thanks for that one, Chase Freedom guy who can't actually play the guitar.
"There's nothing loose about that performance! You're sharper than a Samurai sword!" - Spanish Judge. Seriously he is too excitable. He literally cannot talk without standing up.
British guy says they were flying about like a wasp at a picnic. GET IT BECAUSE THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT WASPS BEFORE? Ugh. That's not even a saying.
He crowns her prom queen and Kellie squeals and after they get their A+ they do a weird handshake about potatoes and french fries and sticking them in the fryer and I want to jump out a window.
6. Victor. Spoiler Alert: he didn't go to prom either. Except he wasn't off doing backflips or being a child star, he was a street kid and couldn't afford it. Poor Victor. I actually really like this guy. Again I am a huge fan of his coach. High five for maintaining normalcy in a studio full of yahoos.
They perform to "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" which automatically wins me over because it's just a great song. I dunno, it looks good to me but they do a lot of lifts and I remember last time British Judge was all TOO MUCH LIFTS so I guess they're in danger about that again.
Man, this Spanish judge is a total Standing-O whore. He does it like every single time.
Girl judge says Victor is a dancer now--I guess because he picked up his partner a lot. British judge was pleasantly surprised and said the lifts were good but there wasn't enough good dancing in the middle. (Told you TOO MUCH LIFTS.)
7. D.L. Hughley. He didn't go to prom either because he never graduated high school but what he DID do is charge people $25 to rent him to be their date for prom which is not sketchy at all.
He wears a metallic cape and dances terribly to James Brown. I'm thinking by now his dance style is just thrusting a lot and shuffling back and forth.
"If you're a sex machine, I'm America's Next Top Model." Ya'll, he is BRITISH. So he can't be ANTM even if he wanted to be. That's how strong that metaphor was.
He hated it but basically told him it was adorable that he tried.
Apparently D.L. has trouble moving his hips because every time he's done it in the past he has ended up paying child support, which wasn't super well received as an excuse.
COMMERCIAL NOTE: Penelope Cruz is saying "neth-pretho" all over the place and I can't handle it. Stop trying to make Nespresso happen, Cruz. It's not going to happen.
8. Jacoby Jones. He got kicked out of prom for pranks and then it gets all heavy because Katrina took his school and he's doing this dance for them.
They do a Rumba which I always kind of thought was like what dancers at Ricky Ricardo's club would do but apparently it's like overtly sexual so I was way off.
Jacoby has trouble being serious, which I appreciate, but then in the performance he totally pulls it off. He looks all dancer-y because he's not wearing a shirt and wearing black pants and they're dancing to Rihanna's sad song.
They love it and spanish guy uses the term volcano-bic which is not really a word and says "JACK-O-BEE" so you know he's really excited and everyone says it was good.
AW MAN I forgot Wynnona was here but they show her doing slow motion sexual movements up on her partner as a preview of what's to come.
Back to Jacoby and the 80's host asks him how much hurricane Katrina affected him. UGH these questions are as vague and obvious as every halftime interview ever done. "Uh so how important do you think scoring is in the next half?" GAH.
9. Wynnona Judd. Apparently her goal this week is to make the spanish judge growl and unleash her inner tigress.
SIGH. This will not end well.
OH NO. I see pole dancing. THERE IS POLE DANCING. WHYYYYYYY.
"I don't wanna look like I'm goin' in the woods." Well, Wynonna, either way I'm not really thrilled.
It's just as traumatic as you'd expect it to be and then the rest of the dance is super robotic and slow. It's kind of like she's just shifting back and forth and her partner is like dancing all around her like a mad man in comparison trying to make her look good when really he's just making her look worse by comparison.
"You're like Mount Rushmore!" says British Judge. (WHAT. Did he just call her fat?) "You look fantastic but you don't move!" Oh okay.
COMMERCIAL NOTE: Cheryl Burke (dancer on DWTS) tries on Depends for charity. I don't even…why, Cheryl, why?
Back from commercial and Wynnona talks about how amazing it is that Dorothy Hamil has managed to come sit in the audience which I mean I'm not saying her cyst isn't a big deal but can't anyone sit in an audience? I'm asking.
10. Sean Lowe. OH GOSH 2002 prom Sean has vampire hair.
His perspective is that dancing to YMCA is going to be great because everyone knows it, but I think he's forgetting that everyone also hates it. His partner says he's awkward (shocker) but he works super hard.
They interview him and he's super charming and I kind of miss him still.
OH MY GOSH YOU GUYS HE IS GIVING HIS PARTNER A ROSE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THIS IS HAPPENING.
I fear for what this dance is going to be.
There are three other people on the stage and they are all dressed like the village people.
He's not very good but bless him, he's trying. He kind of looks like a chippendale dancer on account of his overalls and wifebeater and hardhat.
But hey Catherine looks pretty!
Basically they say he has enthusiasm and isn't very good but this is his best dance yet and Spanish judge says he has shelves for Sean to come fix and acts suggestive and makes everyone uncomfortable.
Girl judge says spanish judge was the only thing missing from the routine which spanish judge of course takes as an excuse to get out from behind the desk and go after Sean.
He gets 7's which I think is probably pretty generous.
11. Zendaya. She hasn't been to prom because she is 16 so she is recreating moments from her grandma's prom because she has breast cancer which is pretty sweet.
Her nails are like 8 inches long and I'm hoping she cuts them before she gauges out her partner's eye.
They start out the dance in a fake gondola and then do a pretty dance in fake moonlight and of course it's great.
DWTS RESULTS: Wynnona Judd is eliminated. I mean ok she was terrible but she was providing half my material. Sigh.
Did anyone else endure Wynnona's pole dancing? Please tell me I wasn't alone.