Fish are creepy. Let's just be honest. I put them in a similar category as birds, in which they are fine from a distance--sometimes even enjoyable, depending on the variety-- but if one gets too close or, heaven forbid, TOUCHES me? That's another story entirely. Get it away from me. Immediately. Fish can also apparently be very strong, which makes them even more terrifying. I didn't even know how terrified I should be of fish until now.
Why? Because a man in Hawaii was recently DRUG INTO THE OPEN SEA by a giant tunafish.
A TUNAFISH.
I don't understand how something that comes in a tiny aluminum can with a pop top can be so horrific. I mean the one on the label looks so nice, with his glasses and everything:
Actually now that I think about it he kind of looks smug with his beret and eyebrows and all but still, NOT HORRIFYING.
Apparently tunas can grow to be like six feet long and are marked by an iron resolve to not go down easy and an affinity for dragging people into the sea.
WHO KNEW?
Well, poor 54-year-old Anthony Wichman knows. Thankfully he's alive, but can you imagine being drowned by a giant fish? Just being drug down to the depths on fishing wire by glorified cat food?
They were able to find him by his cell phone signal, because he apparently was able to call his daughter during this fiasco whilst clinging to his capsized boat and choke out the words "sinking" and "coast guard." Luckily his daughter is insightful and took this to mean "Help, I am being drug into the sea by a giant tuna fish and need you to please call the coast guard to rescue me before I die."
His friends later brought his boat in to shore and found that the tuna was STILL THERE, attached to the boat. What did I tell you? RESOLVE. Pure, unadulterated determination.
Wichman and his family told the fishermen friends to keep the tuna as a token of appreciation, but I'm thinking it was more of a "no really, you can keep it" "no, you earned it, you should keep it" "no, no, it's yours" which eventually ended in the Wichmans insisting their take it away as a "token of appreciation." I mean that fish is this man's NEMESIS. Plus it's probably willing itself to live so it can plot its revenge, and no one needs that hanging over their heads (literally, if they mount their conquests on the wall) once they've survived nearly drowning by tunafish. Hopefully they did the right thing and turned him in to a tuna packaging plant or something.
So next time you pop open a can of Starkist and you taste a slight hint of vengeance, just remember ol' Wichman and chew extra hard for him.
Has a fish ever touched you in the ocean? Did you or did you not freak out?