I’d originally planned on doing this post about the introduction of a “Martha Stewart and Friends” cartoon depicting her as a small child (disturbing enough on its own), but when I saw this headline the other day via Nashvillest, I had to use it.
Wild Hogs Taking Over Tennessee Counties
Here is what I picture when I read this headline: a herd of mangey yet fierce animals, reminiscent of Pumbaa though hardly as lovable, waving torches in the air whilst rampaging through corn fields on their hind legs. Their yellow beady eyes (all scary animals have yellow eyes, don’t they?) are lit up by the moonlight, (I also imagine it is night time, because otherwise why would they have torches?) and shouts of “rawrrrr!” (all scary animals also say “rawr”) fill the air.
This scenario also reminds me of the angry mob that goes after The Beast in Beauty and The Beast. You’ll notice most of my imaginary-scene references are to Disney characters. This is an accurate representation of my inner self.
Anyway. Here is the real story if you are interested in reading it (though it is not nearly as exciting as the vivid dramatization I have just laid out before you).
Perhaps my favorite part of the real story is this quote:
“They’re here, and I imagine the rest of my career I will be fighting them here in the county,” Ventura said.
I love the imagery that he sets up (albeit unintentionally) by saying “the rest of my career I will be fighting them.” Let’s imagine again, shall we? Ventura, standing atop a hillside with one hand on his hip and the other holding some sort of spear (noble hunters use spears in my imagination), cape flapping in the wind, dedicating the rest of his life to protecting rural Tennessee from the havoc-wreaking wild hogs. Stepping up to be the self-sacrificing hero. I am now realizing that the type of hero that carries a spear is probably not the same type as the one that wears a cape, but I never said my imagination was congruent.
But not to worry, the great state of Tennessee is on it, having reclassified the wild hogs as “nuisance animals” earlier this year. As if “nuisance” even begins to describe the mob of scoundrels barraging the corn fields as I have previously related. A “nuisance animal” would be that mosquito that you know is still floating somewhere in your house because you bug bites keep mysteriously appearing in random places like the bottom of your foot (which makes no sense whatsoever as you have been wearing socks all day). I feel like a 400-pound wild hog should be considered a “panic-and-call-the-Hog-Hunter” type of animal. Hog Hunter. I like the sound of that. Reality show anyone?