"Not Them, Too!": A Lament in Light of Recent Celebrity Breakups


As a society, we've come to expect certain things: former teen stars on drugs, nonsense on MTV, Madonna's reinventions of herself. We get it. It's Hollywood. But even though we've seen countless celebrity breakups throughout our lives, there's some part of us deep down that secretly wants certain celebrity couples to make it the long haul. We know the likelihood is slim, but we still hold certain couples to a higher standard.

Over the last couple months it seems that all our hopes and dreams have been dashed. Couples we swore would be the holdouts have crumbled from "so in love" to "mutual respect for one another" seemingly in the blink of an eye.

So, in light of these recent breakups, I thought I'd take a moment to recap these relationships and properly grieve their loss.


Demi and Ashton: Okay, we were all semi-shocked when this relationship became a thing. Let's face it, on the surface it makes no sense. He wore trucker hats and had a show called "Punk'd" in which he pranked other celebrities and yelled enthusiastically into the camera in black-and-white. (Not that we were complaining.) And she--well, she's Demi Moore. I'm pretty sure we all gave it a year, tops.

But as the years rolled on and nothing happened (no news is good news when it comes to celebrity marriages), we started to believe in them. They defied the odds, appearing together on red carpet after red carpet, until we just assumed they'd be together forever. How dare they toy with our emotions like that? Making us abandon our common sense and actually have faith in their relationship, then ripping it right out from under us...unbelievable.

J.Lo and Marc Anthony: It's pretty clear who is the reacher and who is the settler in this relationship. But for J.Lo to settle down and have twins with someone, we knew it had to be real. After all, she's still just Jenny from the block. And hey, he seems like a pretty swell guy. Enter American Idol. Now, I'm not saying American Idol came between them, but did anyone else see that performance? Clearly J.Lo was getting pretty used to her reclaimed throne-o-fame and ol' Marc just has to attempt to serenade the swaybots by singing in Spanish (strike 1) while the world ignores him and watches her shake her booty. I felt tense just watching it. Poor J.Little and Marc Jr. (I have no idea what their twins' names are).

Heidi Klum and Seal: I really know nothing about this relationship other than the fact that it existed, but everyone seemed pretty devastated to find out they were splitting. After all, we perceive the length of celebrity marriages like we do dog years, and 7 x 7 is 49. So it's basically like they've been married 49 years. Who breaks up after 49 years? You've almost made it to your 50th anniversary. Such a shame.

Katy Perry and Russell Brand: This was an admittedly short-lived marriage, even by celebrity standards, and I'm sure more sensible observers would have seen this coming. But I, for one, was disappointed. For no other reason besides the fact that I just like the combination of those two people. And it also bums me out that we will never see a Katy-Russell hybrid (er...child).

Help us,Will and Jada. You're our only hope.

What celebrity couple do you hope lasts a lifetime? Who are you most disappointed to see separate?