Disturbing Headline of the Day: Naked Man Chews Off Guy's Face

Again, the Disturbing Headline of the Day raises the bar of complete and utter outlandishness. Are you ready for this one?

Naked Man Chews Off Guy's Face

This is not part of an IMDB description of a Liam Neeson movie. No, no. This is real life.

(TIP: don't watch the video if you have a vivid imagination -- read: me --- or if you'd prefer not to be really bummed out for the guy who had to witness it and call the police. I'm regretting it right about now. Hence the lack of picture.)

What makes it even more disturbing is that we find out in the news story the Guy Whose Face Got Chewed Off was ALSO naked.

Let's just set aside the fact that this is not only disgusting but also really sad and strange, especially if you think about it too long. Let's just talk about the some of the questions and/or comments I have for Naked Man Who Chewed Off A Guy's Face, based on the headline alone (because we all know I have them).

First of all, gross.

Second of all, Naked Man, why did you have to be naked? I'd say your plan of attack would garner enough attention in and of itself without you having to shed your clothing to be noticed. And why did you attack another naked man? Did he just happen to be naked, or did you take his clothes first because you clearly misplaced yours? This begs the obvious follow-up question: is Miami secretly a nudist colony?

Third, at what point in your life did you conclude it was acceptable behavior to chew off another human being's face? That's just rude. I feel like this is among the most basic common courtesies you learn in kindergarden. Rule number one: share. Rule number two: don't eat someone's face. It's simple manners, guys.

Fourth, the Hunger Games are not a real thing. I don't know if this influenced your misguided decision or not, but I felt like it needed to be said.

Fifth, what did 2nd Naked Man ever do to you, First Naked Man? Y'know…besides…look appetizing, apparently? (I'm sorry. That was probably in bad taste. I'm having a hard time walking the line between pointing out this story's ridiculousness and simultaneously respecting its sadness.) I'm just saying, what level of hurtful behavior qualifies as worthy of this kind of revenge? No behavior, that's what. I think you need an attitude adjustment.

What questions do you have for Naked Man and/or the city of Miami?