Dear One-F Jef,
Where do I begin? I suppose from the very beginning.
It seems like just yesterday you glided into our lives on a skateboard, only to discard it in the bushes seconds later in an effort to demonstrate your devil-may-care attitude. We were admittedly skeptical at first. I mean, you threw it into a bush, One F. But the bashful "Oh that? Yeah, that was stupid" you threw out later in defense, paired with your endearing smile, redeemed the entire thing.
A hipster haircut defying gravity at every turn, skinny ties as well as jeans--this Nashvillian heart was hard-pressed not to swell at the sight of you (note my aforementioned crush on hipster culture). Sure, you could easily be a forgotten member of One Direction, but is that a bad thing, your charming demeanor asks? I'm here to answer: no. No it is not.
From day one we knew you weren't like the others. Whilst Arie's grim reaper hands were drifting ever closer to Maynard's unmentionables, you waited patiently, endless charm radiating from across the room where you sat.
Resistance was futile--Maynard was drawn to you like fake teeth to ironic suspenders. Who are you? Why weren't you proclaiming your infatuation with her immediately? Why isn't your hair spiked with gel and how does it still maintain its shape without it?
She was hooked. And so were we.
Neither your hair on the beach nor your lack of athleticism could detract from your pure, unadulterated charm. Your words, though fewer in number than most of your competitors' (except Michael*), made up for their infrequence with clever jocularity and swoon-worthy quips. Ugly Gerard Butler** glowered in the corner, wishing he could harness his words as poetically as you did (instead of just watching them tumble out of his mouth with abandon and mingle with his tears of rage).
As you jet-setted across the globe with the World's Worst Historian, you continually knock her down a peg simply by being a person of above-average intelligence and wit. This obvious contrast only makes us adore you even more. But no matter to Maynard, she just wants you to love her.
And then…then there was the puppets. I wanted to hate your puppet show. Really, I did. I mean, you are 27 years old on a televised dating competition reenacting scenes from the previous weeks with ugly marionettes. But One F, dang it if I didn't just love you more. By all accounts, it doesn't make sense. You make even the most terrible situations enjoyable.
I don't know what this power you have over me is, One F, (I can only assume I've been confunded or given Amortentia***) but I commend you. You took group dates like a champ. You wear skinny jeans and shoot guns at the same time. You wrote a real-live letter to Emily without making Tony listen to the whole thing or making me want to gag. You turned down the fantasy suite without giving Maynard the chance to revoke the invitation she elected to give you in the first place.
You say things like: "I just want to hold her hand til we're 110."
One F, if we never see you again after Sunday's LIVE THREE HOUR LONG DRAMATIC FINALE SPECTACULAR FIREWORK CITY USA, then go forth knowing you were the world's first Mormon hipster to ever be featured on prime time reality television and somehow remained irrefutably likable.
[Also if you're going to need a next step to finding love, I would suggest purchasing a fixed-gear bike and moving to Nashville or just getting this whole thing over with and marrying Zooey Deschanel. That is a reality show I would watch. Newlyweds 2: One F and Zooey. ONE F AND ZOOEY, you guys. That's a perfect name. OR better yet, forget love, drop Zooey altogether and have your own show.]
All that to say, we love you, One F. Keep livin' the dream of knee socks and bowties, and we'll see you on the other side.
Love, Laura (and the rest of everyone ever)
*DRAMATIC SIGH. The long haired guy, okay? He tweeted at me because I am the only one who remembers his name. **trademark Knox McCoy ***If you understood those references, you are one of my people. And by "my people," I mean Harry Potter nerds.
Who's been your favorite Bachelorette contestant? OR if you don't watch this ridiculous show, who would you like to see as a contestant that would make you watch?