Iran, Monkeys and Mohawks

So while you were at work or school or a coffeeshop writing zombie poetry (a genre yet to be explored) yesterday, Iran announced they have officially sent a monkey to space and back. That's adorable. We sent a person to the moon in the 60's.

But whatever, good for you, I guess.

I'm mostly just concerned about the monkey and his feelings. He was all alone in a space ship 75 miles above the earth with nary a wise-cracking bug friend to speak of.

(LIGHTBULB: make feature animated film about this monkey. Add wise-cracking bug friend.)

Poor little guy. I bet he was scared. Or maybe he slept through it. I don't know. Maybe monkeys are less afraid of dying in rocketship explosions than humans are.

But seriously, should we as a country be concerned about this? I mean I know China's going to kick our butts and own us all in the near future or something but, Iran? Really? Are we just going to sit around watching them send chimpanzees into orbit and not do anything about it? Are we not a country in which one-upsmanship is a virtue? Do we not make people compete for love for our own enjoyment? This is America and we will not stand idly by while middle eastern monkeys float in the cosmos.


You can't ride on that Mars rover thing forever. Get back out there and beat the Iranians. Send a monkey to MARS. That will show them.

But if you do, please send a friend along with him. I don't like the idea of him being all alone for that long. And you wouldn't do that, would you mohawk guy? You're young, you're a humanitarian, you wear TOMS, right? Of course you do. You have a mohawk.

Here we are wasting precious time talking about frivolous things like "gun control" and "universal healthcare" when really we should be focusing all our efforts on getting zoo animals on mars.

(SECOND LIGHTBULB: OMG you guys, Mars Zoo. Wouldn't they be adorable in their little astronaut outfits?)

All I'm saying is, let's pick up the pace a bit here. I know NASA pressed pause on space shuttles or something but let's unpause that game and make it happen.

What do you suggest we do to fix this imbalance?

MORE IMPORTANTLY: Would you watch a movie about a monkey going to space and his wise-cracking bug friend?