DWTS Recap: Razzle Dazzle and Razz-a-mataz

Apparently misery loves company, because some of you actually read last week's recap of Dancing with the Stars (DWTS). So here I am again, bringing you all the news that's fit to print concerning B-list celebrities bumbling their way through dances I've never heard of. Is it just me or are the costumes exponentially worse than they were in the first episode? Glittery flight attendants, unconvincing lifeguards, and Wynnona is literally wearing the same policeman outfit as her partner. Except he's wearing a fake mustache.

I already hate this episode more than the last.

Also I'd just like to ask why this show is so unapologetically cheesy. Are they really panning past all the contestants they've already introduced while they smile and wave and wink at the camera?

Anyway, on to the dancing.

1. Inigo Montoya. (As he will henceforth be called because I can never remember his actual name which I think is similar to Inigo.) The montage essentially consists of a scene which is uncomfortable for everyone, where they talk about the need to have a penny in your butt.

SIDE NOTE: I keep thinking they're about to say Inigo is dancing with Kim Jong Un but then it's just dumb ol' Kim Johnson, which is not nearly as interesting.

He does the quickstep which I think is just synchronized running. The judges rhyme a lot and say things like "bingo ingo" and "tricky dicky" and that he messed it up because (spoiler alert) it was difficult. They argue about whether the problem was his frame or his footwork but basically they settle on it was OK but not GREAT.

Judge guy breaks in to bring the required drama and tell us that it is time for the VERY FIRST (in this season) JAZZ NUMBER and he literally uses the phrase "hi-jinks and high-drama."

This feels even more forced than the Bachelor.

Preview: Andy Dick trying to do the worm! Dorothy Hamil's body can't take it! Coaches yelling!

I see Sean's parents in the crowd and it warms my heart a bit.

2. Dorothy Hamil. Guys. Are you ready for this? I hope you're sitting down. Dorothy has a cyst. But she's brave and wants to keep going but her coach won't let her so she just has to sit there filming him dancing on an iPad but really probably checking facebook.

We get a lot of glimpses of Dorothy's bloomers and her partner looks like he came out of That Thing You Do. I dunno. It looked right to me until she almost fell sliding under his legs. So there was that. Lady judge says it was just fear not the cyst but they seemed to make a big deal about it before so I'm thinking maybe yeah it was the cyst.

She doesn't get good grades and she is clamping her partner's hands on her waist REAL hard during that post-performance interview. I'm just sayin'.

3. Jacoby Jones. He and his partner pose in a way that looks like he is sitting on her but JAY KAY you guys it's just the way they were standing and the fact that they have matching pants.

Oh snap, y'all. JAZZ time.

His partner refers to him as "Jacoby Jones"…like both names..which I feel like is a little much. Then he farts in rehearsal and she looks like she hates her life.

Little ballerinas come in and whip him into shape and the most adorable girl ever tells him she's got her eye on him and does the Barney Stinson thing.

The dance begins with a 10-foot tall woman in a trench coat…seems weird but OH NO FOILED AGAIN it's just her on Jacoby's shoulder you guys.

Their dance reminds me of Princess & the Frog, so I'm on board.

British judge says it's full of "razzle-dazzle and razz-a-mataz" which I assume is a good thing. Full disclosure, I can hardly understand a word this guy says most of the time.

Spanish guy is too excited about everything.

Perhaps my favorite part though was in Jacoby's post-dance interview when he was asked about the little dancers being hard on him:

"It felt like being trapped in a house, and they took up all the bathrooms."

….?? Is this Bad Lip Reading?

SIDE NOTE: You can vote on Facebook now? What kind of goof-around voting system nonsense is this? In my day you had to pick up a phone and call a number to vote for someone on American Idol and wait until you got through. Sigh. Remember 2001?

SIDE NOTE AGAIN: Do these people rehearse in a Peruvian compound? That building looks like an impenetrable fort.

4. Victor Victorious or something (Boxer Guy, for those of you keeping track at home). Basically Victor and Lindsay argue a lot and then they hug and make up. I'm actually kind of a huge fan of Lindsay and her ability to be a sane person in this show.

Dance opens on a wanted poster for "Vicious Victor" and "Lucky Lindsay" and I kind of want to vomit but also am left wondering how many hours their creative department spends on this crap.

The british guy calls it "scruffy" and people boo and he says "if you prick me do I not bleed?" Which I kind of enjoyed.

Spanish guy mispronounces Denzel and tells him it looks like a Zumba dance and that he needs to keep his bum underneath himselef.

Also Girl Judge impales her forehead with her bracelet.

5. Wynnona Judd. Wynnona's motivation this week, if anyone was wondering, is to…wait for it…not pee her pants. Her hair is about 8 shades of orange and her partner calls her babe a lot.

They enter on three-wheeled police segway contraptions and I'm not 100% certain she can see through sunglasses AND a hat AND her makeup. Like I'm a little concerned.

Her dance is a quickstep and it looks like it was in slow motion so I'm thinking that can't bode well.

Spanish judge talks about her boobs needing high security and British guy is not impressed.

SIDE NOTE: Do you think they make the host add all the scores in her head or do you think they multiply it for her in real-time? It seems like a waste of energy but I mean who wants to add quickly on national television?

6. Zendaya. Full disclosure I now adore Zendaya. I rediscovered the greatness of her performance last week and have since watched it about 5 times. She makes me enjoy dancing, which none of these other yahoos do.

She's basically amazing again and makes me enjoy myself for three minutes while watching this show.

Spanish judge says a star was born but I'm not really sure that this is the correct platform to be making those kind of assumptions on. Like how many famous dancers do you know and how many of them were made famous by Dancing with the Stars?

She gets 9s and I'm a huge fan.

7. Andy Dick. In his montage he says this is the first time he's experienced an exorbitant amount of stress and not drank, so I guess he has that going for him.

Unfortunately he and his partner decided to wear hashtag shirts in rehearsal. HASHTAG shirts. They say "#teamdick." I mean honestly.

His contribution to the dance was what his parter called the "demented worm" so we have that to look forward to as well.

Giant 3D mushrooms fill the stage and they do a super trippy Alice in Wonderland dance and Andy Dick channels a dinosour with a woman on his back at some point. I'm uncomfortable. She then does some sort of move where it looks like she's magnatizing Andy's butt which is weird and he crawls under her legs and looks through her skirt frame. I'm frightened.

Star Jones (or someone I assume is Star Jones) is in the audience and is just beside herself excited for Andy Dick so I guess she's like his best friend and has been rooting for him to overcome his addiction and dress up like the Mad Hatter and do the demented worm for years and it's finally happening.

The host calls it "fun-crazy" which I'm thinking can't be that good but I guess the judges liked it.

8. Sean Lowe. Okay, even Sean's skin is orange. We have a problem. I think we're going a little too far with the costumes here, guys. The montage includes Sean jumping around awkwardly, admitting to not showering and being verbally abused by his coach.

How does Catherine feel about her future husband giving fake CPR to a foreign dancer? I'm just saying, she's already had to endure watching him suck face with 24 other girls on TV.

I love Sean but he looks CRAY during this dance. Like his perma-smile and bulging eyes are a little too much for me.

Spanish judge says he has charm and charisma but it was TOO JITTERBUG, which is what I was going to say.

British judge didn't like it "at tool" and Louie Anderson is in the audience.

Is it just me or does Sean's partner look just like the mean step-mom from the Lindsay Lohan parent trap?

9. Aly Raisman. She makes a joke about quick-stepping-it-up and her partner tries to teach her how to be dramatic because I guess she was just too normal.

I don't know--it looks good to me but I am concerned that they almost bumped heads during the dance. And she definitely is hamming it up out there so high five for learning how to make faces when you dance.

The judges say it was the best quickstep of the night so apparently that's a big deal.

10. Real Housewife of Somewhere. She's wearing a glorified dance recital outfit which makes her look even older in my opinion. Her partner cries because he wants her to do well and I guess he's just sad that she's so terrible and his name is still Gleb, if anyone was wondering.

Can I just say how much I hate that these things have themes? Literally there is a beverage cart on stage. So unnecessary. WE GET IT YOU'RE A FLIGHT ATTENDANT OKAY?

She shakes a lot and then everyone makes airplane-themed puns about turbulance and bumpy rides and not taking off so all in all not looking good for Housewife.

Maybe she should have brought the dog out again. Apparently he was a better dancer than her.

Female Judge gives critique to the partner/expert dancer which I think is a little uncalled for. Poor Gleb.

11. D.L. Hughley. Apparently he got the first "4" in two years, which I think means they're playing it a little Paula-Abdul with the whole rating system.

"This went from a fun thing to Hunger Games in tights."

Sure he's being dramatic but 1) this show could use more drama and 2) it's a Hunger Games reference so I'm automatically in.

He complains and cusses a lot and the partner is not having it and they fight.

Watching the performance all I can really think about is how nervous I am for him after all that and how the girl singing messed up the words to the song and is now SCATTING.

Spanish judge calls him "my dahling" and Female Judge reminds him that he got slammed last week. He gets some 5's this week which means they told him it was great but really it was only 10% better than last week.

12. Kellie Pickler. The spray tan is not helping Kellie look any less crazy and neither is the way she says "brawd-way jay-uzz hay-unds kinduh thang."

This dance is apparently going to be ART and the judges may or may not GET it.

It opens with a lot of light sabers and Kellie is swimming with her legs while her partner carries her.

Basically she's kind of suprisingly amazing and her legs are still taller than I am and her partner is wearing no shirt. Oh, and the band butchers another song--this time Ellie Goulding.

Apparently the dance is so good that Female Judge's boobs almost pop out and host guy passive aggressively adds that it wouldn't be the first time. Female Judge also calls it "FREE-GAN" amazing, whatever that means.

Why do they keep showing Louie Anderson? I mean I know he's going to jump into a pool from a billion feet in the air but COME ON.

I am informed that next week is prom themed. Ugh.

Kellie thinks her scores are uh-MAY-zing. The End.


Apparently Dorothy Hamil bowed out due to her injury so everyone else gets to stay, including Andy Dick. No justice, I tell you. None.

Who do you like best? I'm team Zendaya all the way at this point. She is the only person I've rewatched a performance for simply because I enjoyed it.

Alternatively, which part did you hate the most? I'm gonna say first, how uncomfortable Andy Dick's performance was, and second, the band.