DWTS Recap: Razzle Dazzle and Razz-a-mataz

Apparently misery loves company, because some of you actually read last week's recap of Dancing with the Stars (DWTS). So here I am again, bringing you all the news that's fit to print concerning B-list celebrities bumbling their way through dances I've never heard of. Is it just me or are the costumes exponentially worse than they were in the first episode? Glittery flight attendants, unconvincing lifeguards, and Wynnona is literally wearing the same policeman outfit as her partner. Except he's wearing a fake mustache.

I already hate this episode more than the last.

Also I'd just like to ask why this show is so unapologetically cheesy. Are they really panning past all the contestants they've already introduced while they smile and wave and wink at the camera?

Anyway, on to the dancing.

1. Inigo Montoya. (As he will henceforth be called because I can never remember his actual name which I think is similar to Inigo.) The montage essentially consists of a scene which is uncomfortable for everyone, where they talk about the need to have a penny in your butt.

SIDE NOTE: I keep thinking they're about to say Inigo is dancing with Kim Jong Un but then it's just dumb ol' Kim Johnson, which is not nearly as interesting.

He does the quickstep which I think is just synchronized running. The judges rhyme a lot and say things like "bingo ingo" and "tricky dicky" and that he messed it up because (spoiler alert) it was difficult. They argue about whether the problem was his frame or his footwork but basically they settle on it was OK but not GREAT.

Judge guy breaks in to bring the required drama and tell us that it is time for the VERY FIRST (in this season) JAZZ NUMBER and he literally uses the phrase "hi-jinks and high-drama."

This feels even more forced than the Bachelor.

Preview: Andy Dick trying to do the worm! Dorothy Hamil's body can't take it! Coaches yelling!

I see Sean's parents in the crowd and it warms my heart a bit.

2. Dorothy Hamil. Guys. Are you ready for this? I hope you're sitting down. Dorothy has a cyst. But she's brave and wants to keep going but her coach won't let her so she just has to sit there filming him dancing on an iPad but really probably checking facebook.

We get a lot of glimpses of Dorothy's bloomers and her partner looks like he came out of That Thing You Do. I dunno. It looked right to me until she almost fell sliding under his legs. So there was that. Lady judge says it was just fear not the cyst but they seemed to make a big deal about it before so I'm thinking maybe yeah it was the cyst.

She doesn't get good grades and she is clamping her partner's hands on her waist REAL hard during that post-performance interview. I'm just sayin'.

3. Jacoby Jones. He and his partner pose in a way that looks like he is sitting on her but JAY KAY you guys it's just the way they were standing and the fact that they have matching pants.

Oh snap, y'all. JAZZ time.

His partner refers to him as "Jacoby Jones"…like both names..which I feel like is a little much. Then he farts in rehearsal and she looks like she hates her life.

Little ballerinas come in and whip him into shape and the most adorable girl ever tells him she's got her eye on him and does the Barney Stinson thing.

The dance begins with a 10-foot tall woman in a trench coat…seems weird but OH NO FOILED AGAIN it's just her on Jacoby's shoulder you guys.

Their dance reminds me of Princess & the Frog, so I'm on board.

British judge says it's full of "razzle-dazzle and razz-a-mataz" which I assume is a good thing. Full disclosure, I can hardly understand a word this guy says most of the time.

Spanish guy is too excited about everything.

Perhaps my favorite part though was in Jacoby's post-dance interview when he was asked about the little dancers being hard on him:

"It felt like being trapped in a house, and they took up all the bathrooms."

….?? Is this Bad Lip Reading?

SIDE NOTE: You can vote on Facebook now? What kind of goof-around voting system nonsense is this? In my day you had to pick up a phone and call a number to vote for someone on American Idol and wait until you got through. Sigh. Remember 2001?

SIDE NOTE AGAIN: Do these people rehearse in a Peruvian compound? That building looks like an impenetrable fort.

4. Victor Victorious or something (Boxer Guy, for those of you keeping track at home). Basically Victor and Lindsay argue a lot and then they hug and make up. I'm actually kind of a huge fan of Lindsay and her ability to be a sane person in this show.

Dance opens on a wanted poster for "Vicious Victor" and "Lucky Lindsay" and I kind of want to vomit but also am left wondering how many hours their creative department spends on this crap.

The british guy calls it "scruffy" and people boo and he says "if you prick me do I not bleed?" Which I kind of enjoyed.

Spanish guy mispronounces Denzel and tells him it looks like a Zumba dance and that he needs to keep his bum underneath himselef.

Also Girl Judge impales her forehead with her bracelet.

5. Wynnona Judd. Wynnona's motivation this week, if anyone was wondering, is to…wait for it…not pee her pants. Her hair is about 8 shades of orange and her partner calls her babe a lot.

They enter on three-wheeled police segway contraptions and I'm not 100% certain she can see through sunglasses AND a hat AND her makeup. Like I'm a little concerned.

Her dance is a quickstep and it looks like it was in slow motion so I'm thinking that can't bode well.

Spanish judge talks about her boobs needing high security and British guy is not impressed.

SIDE NOTE: Do you think they make the host add all the scores in her head or do you think they multiply it for her in real-time? It seems like a waste of energy but I mean who wants to add quickly on national television?

6. Zendaya. Full disclosure I now adore Zendaya. I rediscovered the greatness of her performance last week and have since watched it about 5 times. She makes me enjoy dancing, which none of these other yahoos do.

She's basically amazing again and makes me enjoy myself for three minutes while watching this show.

Spanish judge says a star was born but I'm not really sure that this is the correct platform to be making those kind of assumptions on. Like how many famous dancers do you know and how many of them were made famous by Dancing with the Stars?

She gets 9s and I'm a huge fan.

7. Andy Dick. In his montage he says this is the first time he's experienced an exorbitant amount of stress and not drank, so I guess he has that going for him.

Unfortunately he and his partner decided to wear hashtag shirts in rehearsal. HASHTAG shirts. They say "#teamdick." I mean honestly.

His contribution to the dance was what his parter called the "demented worm" so we have that to look forward to as well.

Giant 3D mushrooms fill the stage and they do a super trippy Alice in Wonderland dance and Andy Dick channels a dinosour with a woman on his back at some point. I'm uncomfortable. She then does some sort of move where it looks like she's magnatizing Andy's butt which is weird and he crawls under her legs and looks through her skirt frame. I'm frightened.

Star Jones (or someone I assume is Star Jones) is in the audience and is just beside herself excited for Andy Dick so I guess she's like his best friend and has been rooting for him to overcome his addiction and dress up like the Mad Hatter and do the demented worm for years and it's finally happening.

The host calls it "fun-crazy" which I'm thinking can't be that good but I guess the judges liked it.

8. Sean Lowe. Okay, even Sean's skin is orange. We have a problem. I think we're going a little too far with the costumes here, guys. The montage includes Sean jumping around awkwardly, admitting to not showering and being verbally abused by his coach.

How does Catherine feel about her future husband giving fake CPR to a foreign dancer? I'm just saying, she's already had to endure watching him suck face with 24 other girls on TV.

I love Sean but he looks CRAY during this dance. Like his perma-smile and bulging eyes are a little too much for me.

Spanish judge says he has charm and charisma but it was TOO JITTERBUG, which is what I was going to say.

British judge didn't like it "at tool" and Louie Anderson is in the audience.

Is it just me or does Sean's partner look just like the mean step-mom from the Lindsay Lohan parent trap?

9. Aly Raisman. She makes a joke about quick-stepping-it-up and her partner tries to teach her how to be dramatic because I guess she was just too normal.

I don't know--it looks good to me but I am concerned that they almost bumped heads during the dance. And she definitely is hamming it up out there so high five for learning how to make faces when you dance.

The judges say it was the best quickstep of the night so apparently that's a big deal.

10. Real Housewife of Somewhere. She's wearing a glorified dance recital outfit which makes her look even older in my opinion. Her partner cries because he wants her to do well and I guess he's just sad that she's so terrible and his name is still Gleb, if anyone was wondering.

Can I just say how much I hate that these things have themes? Literally there is a beverage cart on stage. So unnecessary. WE GET IT YOU'RE A FLIGHT ATTENDANT OKAY?

She shakes a lot and then everyone makes airplane-themed puns about turbulance and bumpy rides and not taking off so all in all not looking good for Housewife.

Maybe she should have brought the dog out again. Apparently he was a better dancer than her.

Female Judge gives critique to the partner/expert dancer which I think is a little uncalled for. Poor Gleb.

11. D.L. Hughley. Apparently he got the first "4" in two years, which I think means they're playing it a little Paula-Abdul with the whole rating system.

"This went from a fun thing to Hunger Games in tights."

Sure he's being dramatic but 1) this show could use more drama and 2) it's a Hunger Games reference so I'm automatically in.

He complains and cusses a lot and the partner is not having it and they fight.

Watching the performance all I can really think about is how nervous I am for him after all that and how the girl singing messed up the words to the song and is now SCATTING.

Spanish judge calls him "my dahling" and Female Judge reminds him that he got slammed last week. He gets some 5's this week which means they told him it was great but really it was only 10% better than last week.

12. Kellie Pickler. The spray tan is not helping Kellie look any less crazy and neither is the way she says "brawd-way jay-uzz hay-unds kinduh thang."

This dance is apparently going to be ART and the judges may or may not GET it.

It opens with a lot of light sabers and Kellie is swimming with her legs while her partner carries her.

Basically she's kind of suprisingly amazing and her legs are still taller than I am and her partner is wearing no shirt. Oh, and the band butchers another song--this time Ellie Goulding.

Apparently the dance is so good that Female Judge's boobs almost pop out and host guy passive aggressively adds that it wouldn't be the first time. Female Judge also calls it "FREE-GAN" amazing, whatever that means.

Why do they keep showing Louie Anderson? I mean I know he's going to jump into a pool from a billion feet in the air but COME ON.

I am informed that next week is prom themed. Ugh.

Kellie thinks her scores are uh-MAY-zing. The End.


Apparently Dorothy Hamil bowed out due to her injury so everyone else gets to stay, including Andy Dick. No justice, I tell you. None.

Who do you like best? I'm team Zendaya all the way at this point. She is the only person I've rewatched a performance for simply because I enjoyed it.

Alternatively, which part did you hate the most? I'm gonna say first, how uncomfortable Andy Dick's performance was, and second, the band.

XB's First (And Probably Last) Dancing with the Stars Recap

  Xtra Bacon Laura McClellan Dancing with the Stars

(ABC makes their own memes now. Seriously, this image came from their website.)

By now you may know that the community here on ol' XB loves/hates us some Bachelor. (It's complicated.)

By now you probably also know that this year's Bachelor took about 5 seconds to breathe, then jumped into a glittery blazer and went to dress rehearsal for Dancing with the Stars.

Though I've only seen two full seasons, I know enough to know that in general the Bachelor/Bachelorette is pretty insufferable. This year, though, was different.

I don't know if you've noticed, but Sean is awesome. And the girl he picked is awesome, and it's just all around a love fest of awesomeness.

So I felt like I had to give him a shot on DWTS, even though I have never watched the show.

And y'all, it was pretty darn terrible.

And not terrible in the way that The Bachelor is terrible but you're still entertained most of the time. Terrible in the way that you almost fall asleep while Andy Dick is crying about dancing being difficult and how he has let people down because he was on drugs or something.


It's even worse because they're not even competing FOR LOVE. They're just competing. I'm not even sure what they win. (I don't think it's pride.)

So without further ado, I present the recap (I'll try to make it less boring than the actual show, which shouldn't be too difficult because hopefully this post doesn't waste two full hours of your life.):

1) Kellie Pickler. I literally did not recognize her until her background montage told me who she was. She has a Jamie Lee Curtis haircut and makeup caked on like Emily Maynard. But don't worry, her voice hasn't changed. Still the worst. Like I can't even comprehend how someone in 2013 has that strong of a southern accent. And I grew up in Alabama.

Oh, and she was good at dancing and her torso is longer than my entire body.

SIDE NOTE: I already hate these judges. They say even less real words than American Idol judges (full disclosure I have not seen this season). The British Guy just said "yum yum pig's bum, that was fun" and I want to die.

ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: This band is terrible. Mostly just the singers. Why do they hate Jessie J so much? Why don't they use tracks? Or failed American Idol contestants? Then it'd all come full circle, you guys.

2) Some Boxer Guy. I think he had a hard life and then he is a clumsy dancer and does this pose with his mouth open at the end. Boring.

CATHERINE ALERT. I was just wondering where she was and then they showed her. I miss Seatherine already. Ca-sean? Their names don't fit very well.

TOO LITERAL JOKE ALERT: "We get most of our cast when their judgement is impaired." - Host Guy.

3) Some Soap Opera Guy. He was apparently on a soap opera for 18 years. General Hospital I think they said. I don't know who he is but he literally said he "does a lot of stand-up paddleboard racing now," like that's a calculated career move, so he's got that going for him.

The judges have a heated spat when British Guy is all, "TOO MUCH LIFTS" and Female Judge and Overly Suggestive Spanish (?) Judge are all "LEAVE HIM ALONE HE'S GORGEOUS" or something.

Basically he gets to wear a wifebeater and Sean has to wear what looks like a smoking jacket made out of Dorothy's shoes so there is no justice in the world.

4) Some Real Housewives Lady (AND HER TINY DOG). The dog for some reason comes with her onto the stage and looks VERY sedated throughout the interviews. I'm wondering if he's actually animatronic. She's worried about cheating on her husband of 30 years because her partner touches her butt and she is surprisingly conservative to look the way she does.

The first part of the dance is in black and white for some reason I guess to make it classier and her partner's name is Gleb. Don't worry she passed off the dog before she started dancing. He probably needed to go crash in a crate somewhere. Or recharge his batteries.

5) D.L. Hughley. I only vaguely recognize him from like 90's comedy or something but apparently he had a hard life too and was in a gang and it was sad and he found comedy which I think is nice.

He's the only one who has perspective in this show so far. His partner tells him not to move his arms like she does because it's what ladies do, and his response is "ALL this s*** is what ladies do!"

He does a ridiculous hip-sway/gyrating thing that I wish I had a gif of (this video will have to do) and is pretty much terrible but I kind of like him because he's obviously not taking this as seriously as Andy Dick (see: crying).

BAND UPDATE: I didn't think it was possible to butcher "Apple Bottom Jeans," but by jove, this band has done it.

6) Zendaya. Y'all don't have to explain to me who Disney Channel stars are, so I knew exactly who this girl is. She actually has dance training (she's on a dance-themed Disney show) so she was actually very good and super likable. No qualms with Zendaya. Also her partner was wearing bright yellow patent leather loafers.

7) AWWW YEAH, it's Sean time, you guys. First he's charming in his interview and we get to see Catherine some more, then he classily says something like "people want to talk about my personal life a lot [cue images of "virgin bachelor" US Weekly covers] but I don't really see how it matters."

We get to see him try to learn to dance which is also charming and adorable (as expected).

Foreign partner girl tries to suggest that he "rub himself" to which Sean responds "woahhhh," which only cemented my adoration for him further.

He's actually not terrible and gets to start out his dance holding a rose to which I'm assuming his response was "pshh no problem I got the whole holding-a-rose-and-looking-handsome thing on lock" which made his confidence level skyrocket.

The judges thought he was ok at dancing but applaud his "fearless exuberance," which I feel is pretty good feedback.

DISCLAIMER: I know zero point zero about dance, so nothing I say here will have anything to do with technique, if you haven't figured that out already.

Also he danced to "power of love" which just makes my heart happy. Win and a win for ol' Sean Lowe in my book.

8) Aly Raisman. If you don't remember, she's on the U.S. Olympic gymnastic team from last year. I was a fan of hers so I was excited to see her dance.

Her voice is kind of terrible (I was unaware of this seeing as I'd only watched her do gymnastics silently and/or tweet), and her breasteses were way out of control but she did a good job I guess. She was less likeable than I'd hoped.

COMMERCIAL COMMENTARY: This Splash show looks like the worst show of all time. The fact that they can legally claim any of these jokers (except maybe Kareem Abdul-Jabar) as a celebrity without being sued for false advertising is outrageous. Let's make Louie Anderson jump into a pool from 35 feet. Sure, great, do that.  And Community is on the chopping block? I hate everything.

9) Dorothy Hamil. I knew who she was, at least, but I mean does any one really care anymore now that Sean has already gone?

She was probably good but I zoned out after it started snowing on the dance floor.

10) Wynnona Judd. Just…sigh. She talks about how her husband is named Cactus and got in an accident and everything is sad. Then she dances and it's pretty boring and basic and like I could probably do it even though I can't dance at all but everyone is nice to her because she's so sad about life.

11) Andy Dick. More tragedy…addiction, rehab, and annoying voices. He talks about how this is his big chance to start over and some kind of nonsense and then he cries because it's too hard. First episode. Also he pushes that "I've treated everyone in my life poorly because of my addictions" thing SUPER hard. Like he tries to work it in to completely unrelated scenarios like Ben did with his dad dying on the Bachelor.

Literally his partner said something like "No, Stay" and laughed and said it was like she was treating him like a dog, and he goes "Uh, no it's ok I've acted like a dog for most of my life." I mean, seriously.

Anyway I honestly can't remember a thing about his dance because I started looking at Facebook or something when he started crying and I just don't care anymore at this point because this show is super boring.

12) Jacoby Jones who is apparently a football player and you probably know better than I do.  He mumbled a whole lot during his post-dance interview as if his stature didn't make it obvious enough that he was a football player. I thought he was actually good but British Judge said it was all showy and had no real technique. I know nothing about technique so there you have it.

And this concludes the first (and most likely last) ever Xtra Bacon recap of Dancing with the Stars. I hope you enjoyed the ride. Please collect your belongings on the way out and don't forget to vote for Sean because he's the best.

If you watched the show, who was your favorite? If not, which one of these B- celebrities would you root for?