(ABC makes their own memes now. Seriously, this image came from their website.)
By now you may know that the community here on ol' XB loves/hates us some Bachelor. (It's complicated.)
By now you probably also know that this year's Bachelor took about 5 seconds to breathe, then jumped into a glittery blazer and went to dress rehearsal for Dancing with the Stars.
Though I've only seen two full seasons, I know enough to know that in general the Bachelor/Bachelorette is pretty insufferable. This year, though, was different.
I don't know if you've noticed, but Sean is awesome. And the girl he picked is awesome, and it's just all around a love fest of awesomeness.
So I felt like I had to give him a shot on DWTS, even though I have never watched the show.
And y'all, it was pretty darn terrible.
And not terrible in the way that The Bachelor is terrible but you're still entertained most of the time. Terrible in the way that you almost fall asleep while Andy Dick is crying about dancing being difficult and how he has let people down because he was on drugs or something.
It's even worse because they're not even competing FOR LOVE. They're just competing. I'm not even sure what they win. (I don't think it's pride.)
So without further ado, I present the recap (I'll try to make it less boring than the actual show, which shouldn't be too difficult because hopefully this post doesn't waste two full hours of your life.):
1) Kellie Pickler. I literally did not recognize her until her background montage told me who she was. She has a Jamie Lee Curtis haircut and makeup caked on like Emily Maynard. But don't worry, her voice hasn't changed. Still the worst. Like I can't even comprehend how someone in 2013 has that strong of a southern accent. And I grew up in Alabama.
Oh, and she was good at dancing and her torso is longer than my entire body.
SIDE NOTE: I already hate these judges. They say even less real words than American Idol judges (full disclosure I have not seen this season). The British Guy just said "yum yum pig's bum, that was fun" and I want to die.
ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: This band is terrible. Mostly just the singers. Why do they hate Jessie J so much? Why don't they use tracks? Or failed American Idol contestants? Then it'd all come full circle, you guys.
2) Some Boxer Guy. I think he had a hard life and then he is a clumsy dancer and does this pose with his mouth open at the end. Boring.
CATHERINE ALERT. I was just wondering where she was and then they showed her. I miss Seatherine already. Ca-sean? Their names don't fit very well.
TOO LITERAL JOKE ALERT: "We get most of our cast when their judgement is impaired." - Host Guy.
3) Some Soap Opera Guy. He was apparently on a soap opera for 18 years. General Hospital I think they said. I don't know who he is but he literally said he "does a lot of stand-up paddleboard racing now," like that's a calculated career move, so he's got that going for him.
The judges have a heated spat when British Guy is all, "TOO MUCH LIFTS" and Female Judge and Overly Suggestive Spanish (?) Judge are all "LEAVE HIM ALONE HE'S GORGEOUS" or something.
Basically he gets to wear a wifebeater and Sean has to wear what looks like a smoking jacket made out of Dorothy's shoes so there is no justice in the world.
4) Some Real Housewives Lady (AND HER TINY DOG). The dog for some reason comes with her onto the stage and looks VERY sedated throughout the interviews. I'm wondering if he's actually animatronic. She's worried about cheating on her husband of 30 years because her partner touches her butt and she is surprisingly conservative to look the way she does.
The first part of the dance is in black and white for some reason I guess to make it classier and her partner's name is Gleb. Don't worry she passed off the dog before she started dancing. He probably needed to go crash in a crate somewhere. Or recharge his batteries.
5) D.L. Hughley. I only vaguely recognize him from like 90's comedy or something but apparently he had a hard life too and was in a gang and it was sad and he found comedy which I think is nice.
He's the only one who has perspective in this show so far. His partner tells him not to move his arms like she does because it's what ladies do, and his response is "ALL this s*** is what ladies do!"
He does a ridiculous hip-sway/gyrating thing that I wish I had a gif of (this video will have to do) and is pretty much terrible but I kind of like him because he's obviously not taking this as seriously as Andy Dick (see: crying).
BAND UPDATE: I didn't think it was possible to butcher "Apple Bottom Jeans," but by jove, this band has done it.
6) Zendaya. Y'all don't have to explain to me who Disney Channel stars are, so I knew exactly who this girl is. She actually has dance training (she's on a dance-themed Disney show) so she was actually very good and super likable. No qualms with Zendaya. Also her partner was wearing bright yellow patent leather loafers.
7) AWWW YEAH, it's Sean time, you guys. First he's charming in his interview and we get to see Catherine some more, then he classily says something like "people want to talk about my personal life a lot [cue images of "virgin bachelor" US Weekly covers] but I don't really see how it matters."
We get to see him try to learn to dance which is also charming and adorable (as expected).
Foreign partner girl tries to suggest that he "rub himself" to which Sean responds "woahhhh," which only cemented my adoration for him further.
He's actually not terrible and gets to start out his dance holding a rose to which I'm assuming his response was "pshh no problem I got the whole holding-a-rose-and-looking-handsome thing on lock" which made his confidence level skyrocket.
The judges thought he was ok at dancing but applaud his "fearless exuberance," which I feel is pretty good feedback.
DISCLAIMER: I know zero point zero about dance, so nothing I say here will have anything to do with technique, if you haven't figured that out already.
Also he danced to "power of love" which just makes my heart happy. Win and a win for ol' Sean Lowe in my book.
8) Aly Raisman. If you don't remember, she's on the U.S. Olympic gymnastic team from last year. I was a fan of hers so I was excited to see her dance.
Her voice is kind of terrible (I was unaware of this seeing as I'd only watched her do gymnastics silently and/or tweet), and her breasteses were way out of control but she did a good job I guess. She was less likeable than I'd hoped.
COMMERCIAL COMMENTARY: This Splash show looks like the worst show of all time. The fact that they can legally claim any of these jokers (except maybe Kareem Abdul-Jabar) as a celebrity without being sued for false advertising is outrageous. Let's make Louie Anderson jump into a pool from 35 feet. Sure, great, do that. And Community is on the chopping block? I hate everything.
9) Dorothy Hamil. I knew who she was, at least, but I mean does any one really care anymore now that Sean has already gone?
She was probably good but I zoned out after it started snowing on the dance floor.
10) Wynnona Judd. Just…sigh. She talks about how her husband is named Cactus and got in an accident and everything is sad. Then she dances and it's pretty boring and basic and like I could probably do it even though I can't dance at all but everyone is nice to her because she's so sad about life.
11) Andy Dick. More tragedy…addiction, rehab, and annoying voices. He talks about how this is his big chance to start over and some kind of nonsense and then he cries because it's too hard. First episode. Also he pushes that "I've treated everyone in my life poorly because of my addictions" thing SUPER hard. Like he tries to work it in to completely unrelated scenarios like Ben did with his dad dying on the Bachelor.
Literally his partner said something like "No, Stay" and laughed and said it was like she was treating him like a dog, and he goes "Uh, no it's ok I've acted like a dog for most of my life." I mean, seriously.
Anyway I honestly can't remember a thing about his dance because I started looking at Facebook or something when he started crying and I just don't care anymore at this point because this show is super boring.
12) Jacoby Jones who is apparently a football player and you probably know better than I do. He mumbled a whole lot during his post-dance interview as if his stature didn't make it obvious enough that he was a football player. I thought he was actually good but British Judge said it was all showy and had no real technique. I know nothing about technique so there you have it.
And this concludes the first (and most likely last) ever Xtra Bacon recap of Dancing with the Stars. I hope you enjoyed the ride. Please collect your belongings on the way out and don't forget to vote for Sean because he's the best.
If you watched the show, who was your favorite? If not, which one of these B- celebrities would you root for?