Ke$ha's Songwriting Method Defies Physics

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Yesterday whilst perusing the Internet, I was minding my own business when I noticed an article titled "How Ke$ha Writes Songs."

Naturally I had to click on it. Does she use word magnets? Draw words out of a hat? Rip pages out of transcripts from shamed public figures and books by Chelsea Handler? I had to know.

What I found, I never expected. Even from Ke$ha.

It was an interview with Conan in which she kindly explains she uses her breasts to play the piano.

Let's just forget for a minute how purposefully provocative this is and focus on how completely illogical it is.

One cannot use their breasts to play the piano. Period. At best you can produce some dissonant nonsense, but even then you're risking head injury. She suggested that she could come up with chord progressions doing this, which makes me question her knowledge of what a chord progression actually is.

To play a chord progression one must use multiple fingers spaced out between multiple keys, then move them up and down the piano. THIS IS STRICTLY IMPOSSIBLE USING BREASTS.

I'm okay with your party songs, your trashy image and even your inconceivably short dress emblazoned with tons of small Conan faces if you still crank out catchy hits like "Die Young," ma'am, but I am not okay with a complete disregard for the realm of possibility within physical science.

The interview stumbles on like a drunk elephant and becomes just like three minutes of Ke$ha trying to explain her songs because they are METAPHORS and EUPHEMISMS as if 1) any of us didn't know that and 2) any of them are hard to figure out.

She takes careful time to explain to us about how "Grow a Pear" is not about growing fruit and how the song about her car is not ONLY about her car but also about her unmentionables. Her songs have LAYERS you guys.

Oh, and some song she has about dinosaurs is actually about how she likes old guys. I haven't heard the song but I'm guessing it's probably obvious.

Ugh. If it weren't for the fact that I literally listened to "Die Young" on the way to work yesterday and still thoroughly enjoyed it, I would vote we excommunicate her from being a person.

What's your favorite guilty pleasure song right now? It's okay if it's Ke$ha. Really. We're all friends here.