Aaaaand we're back!
Again, apologies for missing last week but I think my brain and emotional well-being fairs better if I take a break every now and then. Plus I did my first podcast last week, which I think should totally make up for it.
This week is LATIN WEEK you guys. I can't tell you how I know that other than the fact that they repeated it about 17 times per minute.
That means this episode is going to be a very special kind of terrible.
I'm immediately validated in my assumption because this week features GRAMMY AWARD WINNING LATIN SUPERSTAR….Juanes, I want to say? I mean honestly what was Ricky Martin doing besides caring for twins? I'm asking.
They remind us again it's LATIN NIGHT.
Everyone descends the staircase to the cheesy intro music and I really wish I knew who composed this song so I could give them a swift kick in the pants. It truly is the worst. It was probably the band leader they make us thank every week for being terrible.
Inigo Montoya is still here, Aly looks like a peacock, Bruno is dancing FAR too much to this music over at the judge's table as per us', Jacoby shimmies a lot, and Zendaya throws up her trademark gang symbol because she's so hard. I did find out (definitely NOT by stumbling upon her Twitter page) that she does that symbol as a Z for Zendaya so DON'T WORRY GUYS she's not a Blood or anything. She's just good at branding.
"Tonight our contestants are going to do a LATIN dance performed by a LATIN song by LATIN grammy award winner Juanes and did I mention that it's LATIN night?"
YES, host guy, AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU DID.
Adding another layer to this cluster of awful that is this episode is the fact that there are TWO rounds. If you get the best grade in the first round you get immunity this week and don't have to dance the second round, which is [wait for it] a DANCE-OFF.
Y'all this is really happening. I hope it's just like Step Up. Or what I assume Step Up is like because I never saw it.
Here we get to be reminded just how badly the band butchered Stevie Wonder songs last week even though Stevie Wonder was ACTUALLY THERE. I mean honestly did he have to sit through this nonsense? He CAN hear, you know.
Anyway, according to Jacoby's partner, this week it is ESPECIALLY important to be good because only ONE couple gets immunity. As opposed to every other week when 14 people get immunity? Sigh. Just dance, Katrina. No one wants to hear you say things.
Katrina ignores my advice and throws out the non-word SNAPADOODLE and I really wish she would just stop talking.
Jacoby tries to do a lift and Katrina is all, "Grab my legs, Jacoby, not my arms. [grabs her arms] My legs. [grabs a different part of her arms] MY LEGS."
Sigh. Football players, AM I RIGHT?
She kicks him in a face a lot, he makes a joke with poor comedic timing, and he takes a day off to recover from both [DUN DUN DUN]. Will they still learn the FOUR dances they have to do this week? Let's find out.
They fake playing Latin-themed percussion for a minute (because it's LATIN WEEK you guys) they do a lot of spins and at the end it looks like he caught her head with his crotch as she slid under but OH IT WAS ON PURPOSE. I literally gasped, so I guess it worked?
The audience seems to be OVERJOYED at the pure magnificence displayed before them.
Len: "Was that an earthquake or did you just rock this place?"
Sigh. Who gives him these lines?
He says it was good but TOO MUCH LIFTS for his taste.
Mama Jones gets ANGRY in the audience and does the Barney Stinson watching-you motion.
"SOMETHING FIESTA SOMETHING SOMETHING" Bruno goes on and on and thrusts a lot an he is wearing a blue suit and people are screaming and I'm just super overwhelmed. It's sensory overload here.
"I loved it." - Bruno. Shocking.
Girl Judge: "It's like you could FART the salsa. It's like, man, that guy FARTS salsa."
And she looks around like "RIGHT? AM I RIGHT?" and everyone's just like "ew, Carrie. Ew."
The host literally says "Really?" Am I the only one picturing like Pace salsa coming out of someone's butt? I'm done here.
Girl host is totally appalled and says that ladies are NOT supposed to say that word but let's face it, fart jokes are funny across the board.
"My grandma says if you keep in it, you gon' die, so I let it out."- Jacoby
His partner looks MORTIFIED. What is even happening on this show anymore? Is this still on TV?
Girl host says talking about such things is NOT good for "all of us back here" which I assume to mean…hosts? It reflects badly on them? Are their reputations REALLY on the line here? They are hosting DWTS and ol Tom over there goes rogue every 15 minutes so I really don't think she has any grounds to be upset at a little fart talk at this point.
He gets 9s and the host reminds us it's LATIN NIGHT again but also adds "or what we like to call Carrie Ann-over-sharing-night" which makes me actually like him for once.
INIGO MONTOYA is apparently doing a Nacho Libre salsa, whatever that is.
Back from commercial and some people named Emma and Sasha are dancing for no reason I guess to give Juanes something to do because he is singing his little heart out up there.
YOU GUYS. There are currently animated flames coming out of Inigo's head. ANIMATED FLAMES.
Seriously if this show had any dignity left, it is now in the pooper.
OMG they are showing scenes from his General Hospital days and it is the most 90's fabulous thing I have ever seen.
In rehearsal Inigo's partner is wearing a flowy dress with a bikini top underneath, paired with legwarmers. I mean honestly get it together, KIM.
Inigo informs us that since the Rumba is very romantic and sexy he should be good at it because he's been doing that for the last 18 years (on a soap).
Y'ALL they dance to Maria, Maria by Marc Anthony. Way to earn your 9-cent royalty, Marc Anthony. Keep milking that one hit for all it's worth.
Inigo rocks a fedora and the singer is all "played by Car-los San-tan-aaaaa" …NOT. Why didn't the singer replace the name of the band member? "played by Pa-uuuul Fendermannnnn" totally works. Or he could just say "played by aCarlosSantanaImpersonatorrrrrr…." I'm just saying. It wasn't accurate.
The dance is far too long and boring but the song does take me back to 1999 so that's helping.
THE KID FROM SHAKE IT UP IS HERE TO WATCH ZENDAYA. Sorry not sorry that I knew that.
Is it just me or does Inigo's partner remind you of a skinner, more provocative Renee Zelwegger? Is that how you spell Zelwegger? Why does she have such a weird last name? I'm getting off track.
Anyway Bruno is all "They say that hips don't lie! In your case, I weeesh they deeed!"
Man, he's standing again. He stands up whether he likes the dance or not. Apparently Inigo didn't move his hips enough and is THINKING too much.
People boo and the host is all "Heh, did you guys take BOOING LESSONS before you got here?" and everyone thought this was HILARIOUS and I want to jump out a window.
Tomorrow night the dancer who lost her foot in the Boston Marathon bombing is coming by and DWTS hopes to be "part of her recovery" and I just want to tell her to stay as far away as possible because DWTS will ruin any good thing she has going for her in her life because they are the WORST.
Inigo says his character on General Hospital would've given him an 8 which is great news considering what a dance aficionado "Jax" is.
Bruno dropped his paddle when he was saying his score and host guy is like "Bruno lost his paddle, joining the MARBLES he lost in Season 1." [insert dramatic eye-roll here]
Seriously just stay with the script, TOM.
SIDE NOTE: is anyone else super creeped out by how intense Juanes is?? He's like a Latin Uncle Jesse only more intimidating.
I guess he is just entertaining people during commercial breaks because the profesh dancers are the only ones dancing while he performs.
Meanwhile a GOLF CART drives by in the background carrying Zendaya and some other dancers and WHY is everything in this show so painfully unnecessary??
Kellie & Derek next.
Apparently they got 10's last week and Len said it was the best dance he's seen on season 16 and all I can think about is the fact that we have let this go on for SIXTEEN SEASONS without shutting it down.
In the interview, Kellie is literally wearing a shirt that has "ALABAMA" emblazoned across the chest and says that "gitting a tee-un from lee-un" was so great last week.
This week she has three concerts (REALLY KELLIE? COMMIT, OKAY?) so Derek has to go on the road with her which makes me laugh. Did they like bunk up in the tour bus and eat cereal together and did he come to her shows and stuff? I need to know what this experience was like.
"We're gonna be dancin' zawmbies Monday naght." - Kellie
OH NO THEY DIDN'T. THEY ARE DANCING TO "SHAKE YOUR BON BON."
They really should rename this episode "Throwback to the late 90's Latin Explosion" night.
They hip swivel and thrust a lot and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable AGAIN. I should probably just start a drinking game or something for every time I feel uncomfortable but 1) I don't like alcohol and 2) I'm pretty sure I'd be too drunk to take notes after like the third dance.
It turns into some kind of interpretive dance for a quick minute and then they do a super impressive ending, not gonna lie.
Streamers fall from the ceiling when their dance ends which I think shows a little favoritism on the producers' part. I mean come on where were Jacoby's streamers?
LOLOL Carrie literally has to say "Kellie…Kellie…focus" before she starts talking. Basically she says that Kellie lacks the emotional connection.
Len says it was a "mix of bootie, bounce and bongos." SERIOUSLY with the lines. Who is writing this nonsense? Len thought it was BRILLIANT so apparently Carrie is being kind of a hard-ass tonight and everyone hates her because she is the only one saying anything negative so far.
"You shook MY bon bons!" - Bruno
[insert shot of alcohol here]
Girl hosts asks Kellie if they actually did feel like zombies tonight and Kellie starts to say something but Derek totally hijacks the interview and is all like "WE HAD FUN [to audience] DID Y'ALL HAVE FUN???" like he's trying to cover up her answer because they actually are zombies and she was about to blow their cover or something.
Derek is ashamed about going shirtless in front of his grandparents but shouldn't we all just live each day as if our grandparents are watching? EH, DWTS?? Let's tone down the questionable behavior.
OH NO ANDY IS WEARING A PINEAPPLE ON HIS HEAD AND IS EMERGING FROM UNDER A TABLE.
This can't be good.
Andy is wearing a bright yellow vest.
Bruno called their performance last week a "personality-driven SHAMBLE of a samba," which I'm thinking can't be good.
"Sharna and I are in the pack of scraggly coyotes…" - Andy
I just…Does anyone even know what he's talking about anymore?
Sharna: You gotta get a LITTLE bit sexual baby, it's a Rumba. Andy: Ok, don't get mad if you fall in love with me!
Things I've learned so far this episode 1) Rumbas are supposed to be romantic and sexy and 2) Andy Dick is neither.
EWW he is kissing and fondling her leg.
[insert shot here]
People are still clapping to a non-clappable song. THIS IS NOT A THING, you guys.
Ew Andy is beckoning her like he's a serial killer.
There are SMALL CHILDREN in the front row. Why are we letting them watch this??
Len says it wasn't erotic enough and I'm wondering what planet he is on. Maybe he went to get Starbucks during the dance because they take so freaking long.
Bruno wishes he could forget it but they appreciate how much he TRIED (wah-wahhhh). This is becoming a theme.
Carrie says he has dead arms.
"I'm moving like a dancer…in LIFE" - Andy "[awkward eye shifting] Errr…I love you Andy…" - host girl
Everyone goes "AWWW" and makes it 500 percent worse and Andy takes it upon himself to say that "gives him the ol' sour face." UGH. MOVING ON.
In this random setup we have the three professionals dressed as a mariachi band and Zendaya, Sean and Aly are sitting at a nearby table trying to look like they don't want to die.
Sean's not really succeeding.
Back from commercial and UGH make this Juanes guy stop singing and bring back Stevie freaking Wonder.
Emma needs to TONE IT DOWN. She is STILL in dancing character just walking up to Juanes and waiting for the real people who matter to start talking.
Aly is wearing blue eyeshadow and I hate it.
Mark's pants have leopard print pockets which are never explained and Aly hurts his neck. He has trouble moving and they show him at the doctor (OH NOOOO).
But don't worry guys he doesn't sacrifice style in the most dire of situations, as evidenced by his wearing of a fedora at the doctor's office. The doctor says it will be a MIRACLE if he performs (FORESHADOWING Y'ALL).
They show Aly and Mark at Mark's apartment. STRANGER DANGER, ALY! You are 18!
"I hate the feeling of you out there with someone else." - Mark
Um, is something going on here we need to be aware of? I'm asking.
Aly has to dance with dumb ol' Henry in the mean time but don't worry Mark is THERE you guys.
The dance starts off with Aly behind a legit fruitstand called "Raisman's Fruit Fiesta" I mean HONESTLY how much time and effort is being spent on these sets??
I used to like Aly but now all I see is a bunch of bouncing and mouth-opening and over-the-top facial expressions and a lot of fringe.
Y'all that looks like real fruit in the fruit stand. Did they waste that just for this?
People are going CRAY over this dance and I'm not really sure why. I guess they fell for the ol' fringe and bouncing routine.
"You SPICE UP MY LIFE!" - Bruno
WHOA WHOA WHOA was that a Spice Girls reference? I like him a trillionth of a percent more now.
NOPE he's still talking and saying things like "tutti fruiti tropical delicious blah blah blah hyperbole blah blah blah" and humping the table.
[insert another shot here]
Carrie loves it and she starts dancing AT Len which sets off Bruno and it's pandemonium at the judges' table while they both terrorize Len who, surprisingly, is becoming the most sane person at the table just by observing regular social norms.
Len analogizes it to a Tequila Sunrise and I'm done here.
In the post-dance interview Aly says something about HAVING FUN because that's what people always say. I hate post-anything interviews.
Peta is upset AND bummed about last week.
SIDE NOTE: Noooo sweet Victor went home! SERIOUSLY somebody voted in Andy Dick over Victor the precious boxer? I don't understand anything about life anymore.
"I have to pretend I'm in love, and that's a struggle because I don't have romantic feelings for Peta."
AHHH is anyone else having nostalgic flashbacks at Sean's use of the term "romantic feelings?" I miss the Bachelor. It is better than this show. And that is saying something.
YAY CATHERINE TIME!
Catherine comes in to help Sean be romantic and sexy or something but I JUST LOVE THEM OMG.
"I feel like I shouldn't be watching this." - Peta
Okay so go away and let Catherine dance instead. Like anyone would even be mad.
Catherine gets embarrassed at the sexy dance because she is the greatest.
Tom reminds us that tonight we are graced with the presence of a "leading all-Spanish-language Rock Superstar" which is NOT A THING.
OMG they are dancing to "Hero" by Enrique Iglesias. So great. The only Latin music America has was released in that three year period and then it died so that's all they have to pull from.
He actually does really well and I'm SUPER proud. Like more proud than I should be. Let's get Catherine in there every week. She mouths "that was beautiful" at the end and I still want to be her friend.
Carrie was impressed and apparently takes notes in a moleskine and I'm noticing Len has some kind of peasant spiral-bound nonsense. Seriously ABC spring for some quality notebooks. Don't make them bring their own from home.
Len says he was wooden and his hands were FLAPPING away and everyone boos again and he says he is not going to speak anymore because he is offended by a booing woman but no one's mad about it.
Bruno calls it "a vision in gray…fifty shades of SHOWN."
[insert shot here]
He adds that sometimes Sean sticks his butt out and it looks like he's going to the toilet. (He's not wrong.)
It's Catherine's birthday and Sean gets 8's and all is well with the world.
She's supposed to do the pasa doble which we learned from previous episodes is like super hard or something.
Mark says it's all about intensity which is what he does best and Zendaya says he probably eats breakfast intensely.
AGAIN WITH THE NAILS, ZENDAYA. Get those things under control. It's dangerous.
She starts with castanets and I just found out I can't spell castanets.
He was right, it's super intense, but the dance is awesome because duh it's Zendaya.
"Darling you look like an angel; you dance like a fury." True Bruno nonsense, ladies and gentlemen.
He adds to keep her CHEEN UP and so does Len.
Tom asks us to give it up for the band but I refuse because they suck at life.
Zendaya gets 9's and girl host asks Mark about being intense eating breakfast and he replies some nonsense about doing the best you can taking out the garbage and loving dancing.
Zendaya says "you know what I mean?" a lot and I'm pretty sure they're stalling right now because they usually rush the heck out of these post-dance interviews.
Everyone has now danced and it's time to reveal the winner of ROUND 1.
But wait! It's a TIE! [an audible gasp is NOT heard in the audience]
Apparently they have a "rulebook" [its existence is yet to be verified] which makes Kellie & Derek win immunity.
Aw man, now they make us listen to Juanes while people change clothes. I'm fast forwarding because I refuse to sit through this when I have the technology not to.
Now it's time for the DANCE OFF CHALLENGE (Challenge…Challenge…)! Don't worry there's even an animation to tell us that.
Andy's coach says it's the first time he'll get picked first (because he's the worst and people will want to challenge him) which I think is hateful.
Everyone reminds us 800 times that the Rumba is the dance of LOVE but I thought they were pretty much all dances of love.
"I JUST WANNA WIN, DAMMIT." - Jacoby.
Man I just love that guy.
Aly and Mark get to pick who they want to dance with and of course they pick Andy and Sharna because duh, who wouldn't?
Andy and Sharna take about 19 minutes to pick the ChaCha and basically get played off because they don't pick fast enough and this is live television.
COMMERCIAL NOTE: I'm watching this on Hulu but there is a commercial staring former DWTS contestant ….HOUSEWIFE…lady….and she's talking about "I cahn't believe it's not butt-tah." It takes a lot to be a step backwards from DWTS but I'd say she's achieved it.
Back from commercial and we are informed that this challenge gets you EXTRA JUDGES POINTS!!!
…wait…don't people vote for this show? So like everything is made up and the points don't matter, just like Whose Line is it Anyway? This is pure nonsense.
"HERE HAVE THREE EXTRA JUDGE'S POINTS!" -Host "What can I do with Judge's points?" - Dancer "NOTHING!" "So…." "[SMILES BLANKLY]" "[SIGH]"
YAY they dance to Karmin! OH WAIT this means it will be ruined. I hate everything.
Aly does her mouth expressions and bounces a lot again. Right now Mark should regret teaching her how to be animated.
Andy and Sharna dance to the same song only they dance at a pace about 900 times slower so of course Aly wins the challenge.
Len liked Andy's PLUCK for cheering on Aly while she was dancing. Never a good sign.
Bruno says "SOMEBODY was technically better" and Carrie says "I love you for never giving up."
Seriously this patronizing of Andy Dick has gotten way out of control. I wish he would stop acting like a sad wounded raccoon so that they would actually say something real to him.
NEW PADDLES YOU GUYS. These have NAMES.
Aly gets three judge's points which means nothing and we move on to zendaya who is wearing Chuck Taylors. I don't know if that's allowed but I approve.
They pick Jacoby & Karina because these points matter zero point zero percent and they know it.
They do the jive and Zendaya is precious and awesome as usual and Jacoby is good and does the splits and jumps over his partners head again. So now we know what his go-to moves are.
Presently Jacoby and Val are doing a splits-off.
"EET TWAS LIKE WATCHING TWO CHAMPIONS REALLY." - Bruno
He says he likes the kicks & flicks so I guess that was good.
"I applaud you for picking Jacoby because that made it a REAL battle."
Come on Carrie, that's just insensitive. Sean is RIGHT THERE.
Zendaya wins the three nonsense points and no one is surprised.
This leaves Inigo and Sean to do the Rumba which they have both already done tonight.
Why are they pushing the Rumba so hard tonight? GAH.
Of course it's a One Republic song and I think Sean has actually found his dance. Y'know, besides the butt-sticking-out thing. It's pretty much the same dance as before but high five for recycling.
Inigo DOES have the hip swivels going on so that may win it for him. Also WHY is his partner never wearing anything?
Apparently while they were dancing Carrie was filling out paperwork or something and she says she had BUSINESS to take care of which is probably her signing on for another show because this one is making her die inside.
"EET TWAS LIKE WATCHING BATTLE OF THE HAHNKS" - Bruno
Host girl: "What did you think about this challenge?" Inigo's partner: "IT WAS CRAY-ZY."
Was it? Was it really? I feel like that is a bit of an exaggeration, but then again, so is everything on this show.
Inigo: "It was fun; we actually had a dance-off kind of!"
Good because that's LITERALLY WHAT IT WAS CALLED.
YEAH BRUNO voting for Sean! Oh well the other two voted for Inigo so he wins the invisible wonder points.
LOLOL this recap of the dances is ridiculous. It's like,
BAM JACOBY BAM INIGO [insert that circusy song here] Andy Dick
It feels like time stops when he dances and everything is more painful.
Final thoughts: I don't think Aly is as good as they think she is. And YAY SEAN.
RESULTS: Andy Dick got kicked off and cried a lot and everyone felt bad for him but at some point you just have to be able to dance, okay?