Step away from the puppy, Chris Brown.
YOU GUYS. Rejoice with me.
This could be it.
You know how in the future we'll be all like, "hey remember the last time you saw Chris Brown?" and the other person will be like "Y'know, I don't! It's been so long...when was that...2013?"
THIS IS THAT TIME.
And praise the Lord for that. After much long-suffering on the public's part - watching through weekly run-ins with the boys in blue, Twitter battles, assault charges, and terrible music to boot - I think we deserve a break.
In fact I think we've deserved a break for a long time. Ever since I wrote this post in APRIL OF 2012 asking him to reign it in. Or at least stop throwing stuff.
The day might be finally glittering on the horizon, like a Hawaiian sunset of peace and joy and happiness that simultanously silences a psychotic rapper.
That's the dream.
That one day Chris Brown will just be that guy who hurt Rihanna (how dare he) and nothing more.
His tweets (via Huffington Post, not my Twitter feed, to be clear) indicate that he will probably hang up his wifebeater after his next studio album, "X," which comes out Aug. 20.
He goes on to say that this is because he is tired of being known for a "mistake" he made when he was 18.
I get it. It kind of sucks for you. But how about thinking twice before beating up a woman, okay? And think three times before doing it to a famous woman. And think four times to realize that you, too, are famous and are in a highly-publicised relationship and OF COURSE it will ruin your life.
Also it's not just the Rihanna incident. It's the endless parade of crazytown that the Rihanna incident launched. It's the chair-throwing. It's the fits of rage. It's the "altercation" after "altercation." NO. Just NO.
Plus you did that in 2009, okay? 2009 was not that long ago. Four years. So yes, you made a mistake when you were 18, but you are now only 22, ok? Also being 18 is not an excuse. Look at the world. Millions of 18 year olds NOT beating people up. Sure there are a few that probably are, but the overwhelming majority is NOT getting arrested for giving Rihanna a black eye, okay? So don't act like this is just some phase 18 year olds go through. NEWSFLASH: It's not.
While we're at it, same goes to you, Biebs. Just because I will continue to root for you and hope you turn your own personal crazytrain around does not mean I will stand for your behavior and the fact that it gets written off as you just "being 19." NO. Again, SEVERAL 19 year olds are walking around every day, NOT peeing in buckets. I'm just saying.
[RECORD SCRATCH] Update, 9:16 a.m.: I just did the math (and went to Wikipedia) and he is most definitely 24. And this most definitely happened in 2009. YOU WERE NOT EVEN 18. So on top of everything else, he's a liar. In case you were wondering.
So in conclusion, Chris Brown, it's been fun (not really), but get on up outta here. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
Do you think he has a point or do you think he needs to leave us alone already? Who else do you think should throw in the towel?