Blue Ivy Carter

Oh, The Humanity: Kim and Kanye Make A Kid

This whole baby thing is getting way out of control. I don't know if it's just because I've started paying more attention to celebrities or because my Facebook feed is filled with pregnancies and babies lately, but I mean honestly. Have there always been this many celebrity babies and pregnancies at once? Especially ones that are the products of not just one, but two celebrities? Let's just recap Blue Ivy's contemporaries for a minute: Jessica Simpson's big ol' baby (numbers one and two), The Royal Baby, Snooki's baby...where does it end?



I'll tell you: with Kimye's baby. [Note: I just found out "Kimye" was a thing.]

I mean, it has to end here, right? This has to be it. I don't know how much more of this grand science experiment the American public can take.

The whole celebrity baby mania thing is just one magnificent spectacle of one-upsmanship. "I'll see your Blue Ivy Carter and raise you a Royal Baby. No, y'all, check this out, a baby who is half nonsense-famous shiny diva and half loudmouthed rapper."

I'm starting to think this whole relationship was a sham--that every photo op and self-started rumor was strategically pieced together solely for this purpose.

Before you write it off as an impossible task for seemingly dense individuals such as they, just consider it. I mean come on--how did she go this long without getting pregnant and then just HAPPEN to conceive a child with Kanye freaking West?

Maybe Kim was all, "Heyyyyy Kanye, like, you're hot, and I'm like, hot AND media-savvy, so like, let's date and be controversial and then shock the world by having a baby together k?"

And maybe Kanye was all, "Girl you know I'll do anything for controversy. Especially considering the way my career is going right now. Remember that time I stole the mic from Taylor Swift? That was pretty shocking, right?"

And boom, a few months later--Kimye Baby. I'm not saying it happened exactly like that, I'm just saying there's about a 98 percent chance it totally did. Give or take a "like" or "girl."


Poor Blue Ivy. As if she didn't have enough competition to deal with--times being what they are, you know--royal baby on the way and all that. I feel like little Kimye Baby is going to be the crazy cousin Blue is constantly being embarrassed by in public.

Kimye: "Check it out, y'all! I'm wearing nothing but shutter shades and pull-ups! Take my picture!" Blue Ivy: [EXASPERATED SIGH] [Covers face with tastefully-manicured hand donning dainty designer bracelet] Kanye: [takes pictures of Kimye with his iPhone12, laughing and plastering them all over Twitter with misspelled captions] my baby aint lyk no 1 eles! Beyonce: [Shoots a look at Jay-Z] Jay-Z: [under his breath] Okay, let's get out of here before he notices we're gone. Who do you hope Kimye looks most like: Kanye or Kim? (Hard choice, I know)

Dear Blue Ivy Carter (a.k.a. Babyonce)

Dear Blue Ivy, Welcome to the world!

And congratulations on already becoming the youngest person to have a chart-topping hit. Your performance was moving.

I'm sure you've heard by now that your parents are quite the music moguls, and you might consider following in their footsteps. You might be tempted to whip your hair back and forth or add "lil" in front of your name. I beg you to reconsider. Don't feel pressured by society to continue the legacy your parents have established. (Though if your dance skills and vocal prowess are remotely as mind-boggling as your mom's, I'd personally like see Beyonce 2.0 at some point in our future. Just sayin'. Take the time to have a childhood, go to prom, finish school---then take the world by storm and wow us all with the combined talent of Beyonce and Jay-Z. It'd really be a shame to let that gene pool go to waste.)


I'd also like to request that, no matter how tempting it seems, you steer clear of reality television in the future. Since you are considered 2nd generation pop royalty, several shows may call your name. And you may be enticed by the fact that you'd be blazing your own trail to fame separate from your parents'. But if we've learned anything from reality T.V., it's that it is not conducive to making solid life decisions, and reality T.V. fame is like the tagalong friend to the cool kids (i.e. real fame) that no one really takes seriously. Just look at the cast of Jersey Shore (sorry if that reference is lost on you by the time you're old enough to read this).

So even if the producers get together Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon's twins, Suri Cruise, and the host of children Angelina Jolie has taken under her wing and want you to round out the cast, just say no. Because you're better than that, babyonce. You're better than that.

Also, please don't listen to Watch the Throne until you're at least 16, and I'd avoid your dad's friend Kanye at all costs. Society doesn't trust him and neither do I.

Now, Blue Ivy, go forth and grace the pages of US Weekly's "Stars: They're Just Like Us!" and People Magazine for years to come. We'll be patiently awaiting your debut in 2030.



P.S. Will you talk to your mom about being my friend? I'd really appreciate you getting a good word in for me. Thanks.