Oh, The Humanity: Kim and Kanye Make A Kid

This whole baby thing is getting way out of control. I don't know if it's just because I've started paying more attention to celebrities or because my Facebook feed is filled with pregnancies and babies lately, but I mean honestly. Have there always been this many celebrity babies and pregnancies at once? Especially ones that are the products of not just one, but two celebrities? Let's just recap Blue Ivy's contemporaries for a minute: Jessica Simpson's big ol' baby (numbers one and two), The Royal Baby, Snooki's baby...where does it end?



I'll tell you: with Kimye's baby. [Note: I just found out "Kimye" was a thing.]

I mean, it has to end here, right? This has to be it. I don't know how much more of this grand science experiment the American public can take.

The whole celebrity baby mania thing is just one magnificent spectacle of one-upsmanship. "I'll see your Blue Ivy Carter and raise you a Royal Baby. No, y'all, check this out, a baby who is half nonsense-famous shiny diva and half loudmouthed rapper."

I'm starting to think this whole relationship was a sham--that every photo op and self-started rumor was strategically pieced together solely for this purpose.

Before you write it off as an impossible task for seemingly dense individuals such as they, just consider it. I mean come on--how did she go this long without getting pregnant and then just HAPPEN to conceive a child with Kanye freaking West?

Maybe Kim was all, "Heyyyyy Kanye, like, you're hot, and I'm like, hot AND media-savvy, so like, let's date and be controversial and then shock the world by having a baby together k?"

And maybe Kanye was all, "Girl you know I'll do anything for controversy. Especially considering the way my career is going right now. Remember that time I stole the mic from Taylor Swift? That was pretty shocking, right?"

And boom, a few months later--Kimye Baby. I'm not saying it happened exactly like that, I'm just saying there's about a 98 percent chance it totally did. Give or take a "like" or "girl."


Poor Blue Ivy. As if she didn't have enough competition to deal with--times being what they are, you know--royal baby on the way and all that. I feel like little Kimye Baby is going to be the crazy cousin Blue is constantly being embarrassed by in public.

Kimye: "Check it out, y'all! I'm wearing nothing but shutter shades and pull-ups! Take my picture!" Blue Ivy: [EXASPERATED SIGH] [Covers face with tastefully-manicured hand donning dainty designer bracelet] Kanye: [takes pictures of Kimye with his iPhone12, laughing and plastering them all over Twitter with misspelled captions] my baby aint lyk no 1 eles! Beyonce: [Shoots a look at Jay-Z] Jay-Z: [under his breath] Okay, let's get out of here before he notices we're gone. Who do you hope Kimye looks most like: Kanye or Kim? (Hard choice, I know)